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User Topic: WH is probably with OW?
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is working out of town, about 7 hours away. It seems like his phone is off or in a do not disturb mode. I have texted, he has an iphone and it's going through as a text vs iM. He doesn't answer when I tried calling.

I know I shouldn't even be trying to get a hold of him. But now I am thinking OW is ther and I am letting myself get angry. He will give me a bull story about the batteries being dead or some other story.

How do I let it not get to me? It's nice that he can just be in a hotel and relaxing and I am stuck in the house with all the housework and yard work.

I just keep shaking my head why or why doesn't he just leave instead of cheating on me and being so cruel?

I know I must resolve this and end the marriage. How do I do that when I can't even get through a day without thinking about this?


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I read your profile and you've been eating handfuls of shit for a long time. You confront, he refuses to stop and life goes on it's merry way with him doing exactly what and whom he pleases.

It's time to shut this bullshit down.

He's not going to do it because, why should he?? He's been cheating for years and he's never had to suffer one consequence. He doesn't see this time as any different.

Your husband is a selfish, cruel, entitled POS serial cheater. He's not going to stop so this only stops when you say so.

Go back to one of those two lawyers and start the process. Gather everything you can in terms of records, bank statements, tax returns, and the evidence of his infidelity while he's gone. Get the ball moving forward to end this or else the only other choice is to live out your life with someone who could care less about the pain he's causing and the total disrespect he's showing. Divorce is difficult and life changing, but I would rather be alone than to be married to someone who couldn't give a damn about me.

Fuck him. It's time to take matters into your own hands.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2835 | Registered: Jan 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ agree 100%. Only you can change your life. No one else. This is the only life that you get there are no do-overs. You're wasting precious time that you will never get back. Never.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading too many online advice columnists: DTMFA

(Yes, very easy to say. You already know the answer so I'm wont insult your intelligence by telling you platitudes. You'll find your way eventually & it'll get better. Anything has to be better than this hell, right?)


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some questions.

What's preventing you from filing for D, hefty bagging his stuff, and changing your locks? Wouldn't that feel sort of good (within this lousy situation)? How does it help you to wait for him to leave? Why not shut him out of your life?

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:02 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for answering and supporting me. There are days when live just sucks.

I have been working on spreadsheets and lists for a dissolution. I haven't talked to an attorney lately because the last time I talked to her she said wait until he gets a job, he has been without full time employment for almost a year. It is very much to benefit to wait, but I am at the end of my rope and need to move on. I plan on calling the attorney this week to see what my options are.

Life is too short, if he isn't going to change, and I don't think he will. I must hefty bag him to the street! It would feel good to take some of the control away from him.

[This message edited by Mochagurl at 7:22 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand, your first post states "he's out of town workin" yet you state in your last post that your atty advised you to wait till he's employed to file.... Well, whatcha waiting for?

He's not going to stop so you have to decide if you are going to stay with a liar and a cheater or respect yourself more...


Posts: 307 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SpecialK,
I understand the confusion. He is working a temporary job at about 30% of what he should be making. So yes, he is working until this coming weekend. Then he will be back at home.
SS for a long term marriage is about 45-50% of his salary for life.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post made me cringe in thinking about the days I'd text my husband and that's what he did to me. I know the feeling Mochagurl. I know you are in a tough place because you want what you deserve financially. I'd talk to the lawyer, you can draw out the divorce a long time until he gets something more permanent maybe? But at least you know filing will put you back in control and will say to him that he can't do this to you anymore. But ask your lawyer first about your rights!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Apr 2014
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he finally called texted last night about 7:00. Said he was talking to his mom. He didn't call me back because I had " fausly accused" him of being with OW. So I guess he thought I needed to be punished. This really seems like borderline abuse. Screw him. If I can get away from work today, it's time to call the attorney and give her an update and see what she thinks.
He did mention some jobs he is planning on looking into. Who knows if or when that would happen. Some days I really hate him.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say this very gently, but there are probably always going to be a couple of reasons that you can come up with as to why now is not a good time to file. You are hanging on to that hope that he's telling the truth and that he's going to turn into the husband that you so desperately want. So, every time he accuses you of being crazy and turning on him, it makes you think that maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth and he's really not with OW. It's manipulation at its finest and he knows exactly how to do it. Most of us here have experienced this same thing so I know what you're going through and I know the pain that the last bit of hope can cause. It's very scary to jump out into the unknown.

I also understand trying to make sure you are as financially secure as possible and making sure that he is able to pay the support he will owe from a long term marriage. The main thing you need to ask the attorney is whether a court would impute a certain amount of income to him if he previously made much more of a salary. If so, then there is no reason to wait. If not, you have to weigh your options and decide if this is the kind of life you want to lead with the knowledge that he may never earn that previous salary again.

Mocha - this IS abuse. Affairs are abusive. This emotional manipulation is extremely abusive -it puts you on high alert, makes you anxious, makes you doubt yourself, and makes you afraid of the future without him. He is purposely putting you in a position of weakness because, again, why wouldn't he? He gets a comfy little life with a wife at home who works and earns income and who also takes care of him domestically. At the same time, he gets to have his piece on the side because he can.

It's really time to take control of this situation. I don't usually advocate this strongly for someone to talk to an attorney and detach from a marriage, but this man is a toxic POS who is not going to stop. He's been doing this for years according to your profile. He gets caught all the time and he has done nothing -not one thing - to help his wife heal or feel safe. He is as unremorseful and arrogant as they come.

Instead of blaming you and calling you crazy for having horrible thoughts of an A when he won't call you back, he should take ownership of that and do everything he can to help you through it. If he was really on the phone with his mother, don't you think he could have stopped the conversation for long enough to text or call you to reassure you? It's his mother - is she really that averse to being interrupted so that he can talk to his own wife? Let's assume, solely for the sake of argument, that he was just talking to his mother. He's still an unremorseful ass for ignoring you when he knows that his trips out of town are a major trigger and have been a major source of infidelity.

He's abusive and full of shit and you know it in your head. Your heart has not caught up with your head just yet. Unfortunately, you are letting the wrong body part dictate how to handle this. Move forward with your head only - it will always steer you in the right direction.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2835 | Registered: Jan 2011
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't call me back because I had " fausly accused" him of being with OW. So I guess he thought I needed to be punished

So he can't be reassuring and let you know what was going on, and instead he shuts you out for doing something he doesn't like?

I hope you made time for the attorney today. As others have said, you don't need to sign the papers today - you just need to file.

No one deserves that kind of mental abuse.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme-You said everything I feel! You hit the nail on the head. You brought tears to my eyes and I had to leave the office. I know I am scared. But honestly, with him gone most of the time right now, I have been more relaxed.

I know so many people here who have been through the same treatment. That's why I keep coming back here for help.

I don't want to disappoint the kids, but I think they know the way he treats me is not normal or right.

Head steering forward, heart is on standby for a while !


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 13

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