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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Conversation
imalive
♂ New Member
Member # 43847
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was supposed to play golf this am, but the weather changed those plans. 6am to 9am babysitting our dog , who is terrified of thunder.

Flat out told WW that unless things change, we are headed for, at the very least, a separation. She was stunned. I held my ground, told her that I will not be the "doormat" 2nd choice, etc. I told her I was not comfortable with her relationship with her boss and basically told her that she either gets her head out of her *** or I am done and will move one. House up for sale, work out visitation for DS, etc.

Her response, as I said, was stunned. I quote: "I can't believe you are that insecure to end our marriage over this I did nothing wrong, I have never cheated on you" Told her to look up EA's online and talk to me after she had. Asked how she would feel if I was doing the same thing with someone that worked for me or with me. No real reply.

Not going to bother with VARs and all that other stuff, been married over 20+ years, she is either here or she is not. Her choice, but she doesn't have alot of time left.

Funny thing is, I know, know, she loves me...******up.


Married 22+ years.
DD 21
DS 16
Making it day by day but imalive

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amalive- I'm proud of you for standing your ground. Also, please realize that if she truly loved you she, at the very least would have told you about every single communication with her boss. If she was fully committed to you, there was no need to keep anything from you.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
adriana1980
♀ New Member
Member # 41780
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imalive, I am sorry to mention it but you have to be realistic that most likely your wife had also PA with her boss. Considering her irrational behavior and literarly endless opportunities they have everyday I don't belive it has been just EA. There is probably more to this story than you know about it right now.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Dec 2013
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry to hear, but Good on you OP, keep us updated.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Jul 2014
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go bro

Stand firm - you handled that well.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2505 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buy her the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and drop it off in her lap and tell her she has to read it. You could even make it a condition for her moving forward...IF you move forwad:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=32554557511&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13978579823099168954&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_376e4z285y_b


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buy her the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and drop it off in her lap and tell her she has to read it.
I agree. She is smart and it should open her eyes to what she has really done and how and why you feel the way you do.

And it should teach her that your concerns are not based on insecurities, but her actions.


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Jun 2002
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude

She might love you but she does not respect you.

You need both in the marriage or there is not much of a relationship is there......


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go! stand up to emotional bullies, and her cowardly, lying blameshift. Save yourself the dough on buying the book (she will NEVER READ IT), and keep that spine of fucking steel. You will never regret EVER, being tough with a cheater. Good luck, and unfortunately my gut, my own experience, and being a part of SI long enough, has shown me a lot more is still unknown in your situation.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imalive - Do you think there is more to this than just the EA texting?

If there isn't, she might not really realize what she did was overly wrong. But reading about anything concerning EAs will clue her in.


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Jun 2002
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have just done the best thing possible in order to save your marriage.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8826 | Registered: Jan 2008
imalive
♂ New Member
Member # 43847
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the conversation from the morning didn't seem to take. I made dinner last night, DS cleaned up, and she finished all her exam online.

She finally finished all her homework at 915pm, then wants me to come watch a movie with her so she has some down time. I watch about 15 minutes, then tell her I am headed to bed as I had to be up and out the door today at 5am. Kissed her on the forehead and headed upstairs.

This didn't go over well. Tracked me down, started a fight, "kiss me like I'm your wife" why didn't you spend more time with me this weekend?, ad nauseum. I asked, when was I supposed to do that as you were studying almost all day both days. "why couldn't you be near me"? Excuse me, but why would I sit quietly for all those hours doing nothing? I had other things to do.

Anyway, got about 3.5 hours of sleep, got up, went to work. While at work, got a text..r u safe? I said yes why wouldn't i be? reply "Just checking" I thanked her. She texted back "I love you" I replied I know you do I love you too" She called about 2 hours later on her way to work and sounded pretty down. I was not cold but not really talkative either. The call was pretty short. I think she was either looking for an apology or looking for me to say everything is going to be okay. I don't have anything to apologize for and I cannot say that everything is okay, when clearly it's not. I am clearly the target of her stress relief and frustrations. I'm fine with being supportive, that is what married people are supposed to be for each other. However, I am at the point that this has become one sided. Done being her "rock" until she shows me that she deserves it again. I honestly sometimes do not know who she is and others she is exactly the woman I fell in love with and still love.

PS Checked our phone records online a few minutes ago to see if she texted him last night. No texts eexcept the one she commented on in the last two months. Withdrawl?


Married 22+ years.
DD 21
DS 16
Making it day by day but imalive

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Withdrawl?
I would say no. Withdrawal usually shows itself as an aloof or depressed mood. Just moping around doing nothing.

She is acting like she is worried you are filing a divorce and leaving. That is why she is calling you all of the time wondering about you, in other words, are you at the lawyers office.


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Jun 2002
Dyokemm
♂ Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take advantage of her obvious desperation to put this issue to rest once and for all.

Tell her that you need the entire truth about what exactly has been going on...this is her ONE chance to get everything into the open, and you are considering a poly for her to confirm the story if any doubts remain.

If she refuses to take a poly, or it is revealed in any way that she has continued to lie and deceive about the true extent of this, then you will immediately and irrevocably move to filing D.

This is her one chance to put this entire episode in the past and save her M.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
wk55hn
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Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Withdrawl?

I would say no. Withdrawal usually shows itself as an aloof or depressed mood. Just moping around doing nothing.
She is acting like she is worried you are filing a divorce and leaving. That is why she is calling you all of the time wondering about you, in other words, are you at the lawyers office.

Yeah, +1


Posts: 367 | Registered: Jul 2014
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checked our phone records online a few minutes ago to see if she texted him last night. No texts eexcept the one she commented on in the last two months. Withdrawl?

Sounds more like a burner phone to me.


Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my XWH was in his affair, he used to call me to see where I was, when I was coming home, make sure I was where I said I was, so that he could sneak off and see the OW. Beware. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Many WS's will only admit to an EA, when in actuality, they are PA.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3390 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Hopefuldad468
♂ Member
Member # 44143
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your pain. ...we have all been there and are there now with you.

First...I don't think you have the whole truth. I think she is acting out of guilt and wanting to tell you but can't for fear of what the truth will do.
You know her the best..ask yourself what is the worst she can tell me (PA for a long time doing all sorts of stuff you would rather not picture...but will)....and then ask yourself how you would handle it...this may give you an idea how to approach her and get the needed confession to move forward.
I had to actually ask for divorse to get the real truth...and had to be willing to do it.....but each case is different.

Next...do you need her to keep her job? If no, she needs to quit or find another fast if you intend to say together.

Also if her job is not imperative to your income, then there is not a company I know of hat would tolerate a boss and subbkdinate having an EA or PA....may want to consider carefully if you want to report to her HR dept at work......

Is boss married? Bosses wife may need to know what is going on too...exposure takes the allure of sneking around out and keeps the OM busy with his family.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:09 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest USA
imalive
♂ New Member
Member # 43847
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for replies all.

As far as her calling me, she does that each and every morning and has for many many years. I leave the house much earlier than she does. I generally text her to let her know I am at work and in one piece (I have a fairly long commute on a busy interstate) I just didn't feel like it yesterday, hence the text r u safe.

So took her and DS out to dinner last night, even though beat tired, as I had promised DS taco night. We had dinner, came home and DS went to hang with friends. She asked if I would watch TV with her and have a beer and a glass of wine. I knew she wanted to talk, but I was tired.

She asked if we could start over, to which I asked , with what our marriage or the last few months. She said our marriage. I replied, there is no way to start over a 22+ year marriage, but that we could only go forward if we were both committed to that action. She got a little quiet, then stated she wanted that more than anything, but the last year hadn't been all that great. I agreed that there had been some great times, but some dark ones too. She said not dark, but tough times. I agreed but told her I was not up to heavy discussions as I had been up since 4, had to leave at 6 and it was already 10:30 Told her we could talk a little bit each night and be truthful with each other or it was a waste of time. Kissed her told her I loved her and always would (and meant it) and said goodnight.

More than anything I want to keep my marriage, but to me the "start over" comment sounded like a request to rugsweep which is why I replied the way I did. That's something I have learned about here. I cannot lose my own self worth or respect to "keep the marriage" Just can't do it. Thoughts on "start over"?


Married 22+ years.
DD 21
DS 16
Making it day by day but imalive

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Hopefuldad468
♂ Member
Member # 44143
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure "talking a little" each night is a good approach.. this gives the WS time to create stories and minimize details (the Trickle Truth -TT) where only little bits come out until you are satisfied and they WW does not have to divulge the whole truth.

Tell her you want to know EVERYTHING to as it is torture to find out a little at a time (Rip the band-aid off). Also tell her she gets this one chance to tell you all. If you find out she left off important things later - you are not sure your marriage could survive. It is a risk - but you need everything key very fast.

I know you want to "save your marriage" as I do. But you need to know the truth and major details. Otherwise you will always wonder and you mind will make up things that are far worse.

If you don't mind me saying - it looks like you may not want to know the whole truth or fear what she is going. Trust me she does not want to tell you and you may want not to hear it....but you need to get past this part to save anything.

Right now it is rug-sweeping and TT....you have to be ready for anything. And know how you are going to handle (calm, cool, and strong).

My case - it went from WW telling me it was "first time she wanted to do anything and (you) caught me before it happened" to "I have been in a PA with him for years and he was the love of my life at one time".... so be prepared.

Be strong...be firm....be empathetic ....but don't give her a chance to hide what you both need to discuss and don't give in to all the excuses you will hear.

Good luck and let us know.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:33 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Topic Posts: 35
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