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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My daughter has seen his porn
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And your poor DD.

When SAH started telling me all the stuff he's been doing, it was like the blood drained out of me. Early on after DDay, he 'slipped' by watching porn in the bathroom while the kids were just outside of the room. I'm sure he didn't lock the door. Even if he did, it's an old door that the kids can unlock from the outside.
The lack of concern for their well being is sickening. Now he asks me if I trust him to make good decisions where the kids are involved.
Hell no, I don't.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:31 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 772 | Registered: Mar 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, you are a calm, methodical person. Keep your rage in check and approach this as you have done with everything else. You found history of porn on the Nook. He has a known predilection for prepubescent girls. That is probable cause for you to notify the police of your concerns so they can begin their own investigation because possession of child porn is illegal. Whether they do or not is out of your control, but you would be doing your due diligence by discussing your concerns with them.

As for your DD, masturbating where she could see it is a deliberate act. And again, your knowledge of his SA gives you concern, as a mother, that your DD is being exposed to a harmful situation. That is where CPS comes in. You need to express your concerns about your children's welfare while he has them, again because you have probable cause. Whether they investigate further is not on you, but you have taken steps to protect your children.

These steps would demonstrate to a judge that you are not okay with this and you are trying to protect your children from someone with a known SA, especially for young girls. If he had no history, I could see an argument for alienation. However, he does have a known history so you have every reason to be concerned for the well being of your children.

You are their first line of defense and must act.

((NG and kids))


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1203 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, NG, I have just seen this thread! Ugh. I read the whole thing and I think you have great advice. I do disagree with your decision NOT to look at his email. WHY the hell NOT? Just don't open any unread messages. I would look at everything you could. There is probably a WEALTH of info in there. Commo with his lawyer? Emails with sexploits? This is a GOLDEN opportunity to help you achieve your goal of protecting your kids. PLEASE look!

Get snapshots of EVERYTHING before you let anyone else handle that NOOK! Just a simple act on your ex's part and those accounts will be unlinked and POOF! all that proof and evidence gone. You NEED that stuff! Get it!

And WHAT the HELL??!! Laying on your daughter in the dark? Can't you get her to tell someone who CAN report it? Pediatrician? Counselor?

Your kids, while needing to be protected from certain knowledge, have a GREATER need to be protected from his abuse, and to have any shot at that, they have got to know SOMETHINGS of what to watch for and how to get word to you that things are not okay. Also, reassurances (as someone else said) that you will BELIEVE them, no matter what it is or what someone else says to them to try to keep them quiet.

I hate this for you.

My SA ex-poopsmear left porn open on the computer which was seen my my DD who is now 20. She was 6 at the time (we were still married and ex had stayed up past me watching porn and left the browser open. DD woke up before us and went to get on the computer to play games and got to see a woman fake-screaming with a huge penis in her. )

DD is so troubled right now I am scared for her. She went from being a virgin until age 19 to being extremely promiscuous. She has her own apartment now and just informed me last night that one of her sex partners was diagnosed with chlamydia and she knows she has it too but has no $$$ for the doctor. She just had her boyfriend move out on her (because she was cheating) and her arms are healing from the dozen or so razor slices she inflicted on herself. She is drinking nightly and smoking pot. She started secretly smoking cigs 4 years ago by sneaking her fathers (he smokes) during visitations. She was very sneaky at first and I knew nothing until about a year ago. I don't know how in the world as a non-smoker I missed it. I always thought the smoke smell was residual from her work and from her dads) I blame her troubled state, desperate search for acceptance and lack of self esteem on the shit job her father did. She and my other kids have watched his shenanigans for 10 years (since the divorce) and have seen so much dysfunction and inappropriateness (including seeing his porn over the years while visiting him and seeing evidence of the swinging sex life he was living) that they are lost as to what is normal and healthy. I wish I could have protected them more. Had someone told me when my daughter was 11 that she would be suffering today the way she is, I never would have believed that my bright honor student would be struggling so. She is acting in so many ways JUST LIKE her screwed up father (blame-shifting, angry, asshole to her significant others, cheating, lying frequently...etc), but in her case it is worse because it is obvious she is lost and in pain and is destroying herself, too. My ex was diagnosed as a SA, too but never sought any treatment. I wish I could have protected them. I wish he were dead. I wish your ex would keel over right now. I am sorry. Don't let fear paralyze you. Even if he NEVER touches them, there is too much risk to them as evidenced by my daughter. I am SOOOO sorry.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying that you had the strength and courage to go to the police, let them do a proper investigation,

My prayers are with you and your children,

Please keep those innocent kids safe from abuse


Posts: 386 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone, for your support!

I am not finding actual hard core porn on her nook. I have not found child porn on her nook. I am finding very inappropriate stuff on her nook. She's indicated she's seen other images on his computer, but it was brief and he switched the tab immediately. She does not know what he was doing at the computer. I do because I'm an adult and I was married to him. Will everyone please back off some and trust that I am doing the best I can? I am not going to subject my family to a CPS and police investigation when a strong case can be made that this is accidental, resulting in an "unfounded" determination. I won't do it. You may think that I am careless, making mistakes, in denial or whatever else you may choose to think. I know myself, I know my track record in going to the mat and fighting to protect my children. I know what I'm looking at on HER nook. I know that I am consulting with experts & professionals. I know that my daughter is just barely reaching the "credible witness" age. She is giving inconsistent stories to ME, so I know exactly how she would be perceived by someone else. Of my three kids, she has taken the divorce the hardest and is the one still trying to recover her footing and emotional strength. I am not going to rush this.

There is some kind of link between my children's nooks and his email & Google account. I am still investigating. I am still doing my best, MY BEST, to determine the right course of action. No one here wants my ex gone more than me.

And for the record, I think Nooks for children are a very bad idea. I didn't want him to get these for the kids because I investigated and found out there is no way to put a filter on or otherwise safeguard your kids. I am now of the opinion that the makers of Nooks are beyond irresponsible in this regard.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh NG. So nothing you've found is 'enough' for the police? Ugh.

I'm shocked by the nook thing. Is this true for kindles too? Surely there should be a safeguarding kids option?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1065 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think any of us, for even a moment, has thought you weren't more than one hundred percent committed to and thoroughly competent to handle this. Our input was purely related to details with which we were familiar: how Nooks work, how to download the app on a phone to easily take screenshots for future use, who you might call for help. Not because anyone thought you couldn't do these things, but because we hate to see your struggle and wish that, in some very small way, we can help.

You know far more than any human should ever have to know about (struggling to) protect kids in a world in which unworthy and dangerous parents are sometimes given far too much benefit of the doubt. We know you know the system, and its myriad failings.

We doubt the system, not you. Our advice was never intended to impugn your motives or abilities, but rather to bolster you. You certainly are entitled to simply vent about this horrendous situation, though, and we certainly will support you however you find most helpful.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may think that I am careless, making mistakes, in denial or whatever else you may choose to think. I know myself, I know my track record in going to the mat and fighting to protect my children.
I might add, too, that you know your Ex, and how his divorce smear campaign went, along with his legal defense team's tactics. Your gut will guide you in knowing what he might do.

I'm glad to hear you are being careful about this. You are keeping your head in a very stressful situation! You are so very strong, N_G!!

{{{{ Nature }}}}


Posts: 1275 | Registered: Aug 2010
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and what solus sto said ((hugs))


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1065 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked with my IC this morning, just to make sure I'm seeing the facts realistically and not reverting to my unhealthy denial of my past. She agrees that this is in a gray area. So she is going to call CPS and ask them about the situation. Apparently you can do this, get their take on things, without launching a full-blown investigation.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sending hugs to you. You have been given a dump truck full of crap and yet the light and concern for your children keeps shining through. Praying for strength for you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the IC can call CPS without making a complaint. My IC did this during the divorce because my son had seen my XH's porn. My XH was out of the house by then and had supervised visitation so the IC was told there was nothing else to do.

She didn't just call about the porn though. There was also a history of abuse.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also agree with Solus. You know what you are seeing and what your Ex is capable of. We will ALWAYS support you here. I can see why you felt ganged up on though, but I am sure that wasn't the intent.

Sending you peace and strength today and every day.

((((((((((((((NG)))))))))))))


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey girl, sorry for assuming you meant there was child porn. Given his predilections for young woman, I kind of figured it was there given what you said about him.

I do want to send you some more hugs. You are dealing with more than any person should have to, and I'm glad you are reaching out for support. Infidelity and divorce are hard enough without all this shit ton pile of bullshit you are dealing with.

I'm glad you were able to speak with a counselor who will help you and understands the situation. I just think you have been fighting this on your own for so long, and I really hope you find some support, some counselors, a domestic violence shelter, local resources, legal aid attorneys, the police, etc. It's hard enough being a single mom and helping your kids emotionally through a divorce, and I hope one day you can finally just focus on you and your sweet kiddos and have some fun. None of this is fair to you, and I will pray that if you keep reaching out, someone else can carry this huge burden for you for a while.

Lots of hugs to you girl..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 3:34 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature girl, I was going to PM you but your at your limit. With this new revelation I'm not surprised. Phoenix1 had some very good points as well.

As a parent I feel for you and my first reaction was visceral. I applaud you for protecting your children. The LEO side begs me to start asking questions. Sorry for that. Please understand I'm a little tired and may have missed something. But it appears her story has changed a little, and I know that happens regardless of age. I also understand that can cause some people even the police to doubt. I am not a techie by any means. But my family does have some NOOKS and KINDLES. (I know zilch about kindle)

May I ask what type of NOOK? Because the NOOK HD and HD+ both have parental controls. You can create either adult or child profiles and restrict them. Each profile can also be password protected. Does your daughter have her own B&N account? The email the NOOK is assigned is found settings and device info. If it is a separate email from his or yours she likely has her own account. I'm not sure about NOOK color or older models. I would have to do some research myself.

Again I'm not very technically savvy but as a cop those would be some questions I would ask. I'm also going to agree with several other posters. Document everything you can but you also have to protect yourself. Make sure you know your State laws pertaining to unauthorized use of computers, or whatever your state calls it. Because tablets and smart phones may be considered computers where you are and if you accessed "his" computer, network or email without permission it could come back on you. Good I hate having to write that because yes in this day and age you have to CYA with everything. Sometimes is seems that victims have less rights than suspects.

Just contacting CPS and asking some questions is a good idea. Let them know of your concerns and what your daughter said she saw and what was found on her NOOK.

I'm very sorry your having to deal with this. If your comfortable asking me questions feel free to PM me and I'll answer what I can. Chin up its tough I know.



Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG))) Keep going, you are doing great.

Just wanted to confirm the older Nooks have nada for parental control. Yes, the HD models have some parental controls, but they only go so far. IDK anything about Kindles, but they are probably very similar in that respect.

For those who want to avoid this nightmare best they can, there are a few precautions you can take.

Honestly the BEST thing to do is give kids their own NOOK/Kindle accounts and not share an account with a Nook an adult uses. You can still hook that separate account to the same credit card to pay for books/apps, but they will only see books/apps purchased for that kid Nook. I did this a few years ago with my kids, my Nook is on a different account that the other two kid Nooks. I got on a long customer service call to explain I wanted the kids' stuff separate due to their lack of parental controls, and they happily transferred all the kiddo books and apps I had already purchased from my account to theirs.

I would also suggest to not let the kids have the password to purchases. Obviously if your Ex provided the account, you don't have a lot of say in this. But if the kid knows it, they should share it with you so you can see what they download by checking the account on a computer. With Nooks, you can download stuff, then archive it, so it doesn't show up on the Nook itself but it can be added back later. If I were a kid (or an Ex) trying to hide what was purchased for the kid Nook, that's the way I would hide it.

I would also suggest to not let the kids have access to the password to your wireless network in your home if you don't want them to use the browser, which greatly lacks any sort of truly effective parental controls. Be advised they can go to any free wifi and do whatever. It is possible to turn the browser off but most kids would be able to turn it back on. They would also probably know how to delete the browser history, and I am not aware of any way to retrieve deleted history like you can with a computer.

I would also check to see that the email programs and the YouTube programs are not connected to an adult's account, only their own account or an account you have access to. That way the viewing history and emails are only their own.

Be aware a Nook/Fire is just like a smartphone in that you can download apps for chat, calls, and video chats that you would not see on the bill. Your kids should have total transparency with you on any programs like this.

I think a lot of parents have no idea when they give their kid a Nook/Fire that they don't really understand the implications of what kids can download and access if given free range. Even the basic ones that don't do internet at all, there are tons of free pornographic or adult-themed e-books out there. Please keep yourself informed if you decide to let your kids have one, or if your Ex gets them one. What happened to NG's kid (on the Nook) could still happen to yours even without the help of a psychotic sex addict sociopath by just a persistently clicking kid.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Nooks are HD and are all linked to my ex's email account. The kids have begged him for their own accounts, he absolutely refuses. He bought them, this is something I had no power to prevent. He has already tried to boss me around regarding the Nooks, telling me that since he bought them I have no right to restrict their use when the kids have them here at home, and so forth. (no, that didn't fly with me)

I mentioned to him that there should be some kind of parental controls activated because there was no ability to put a content filter on them. He ignored me.

I absolutely did not access his email. I could have, but I didn't. No way. Believe me, the temptation is certainly there! But I will not cross that line. I did not access anything that wasn't easily viewable and in the Nook's history or search history or whatever. Nothing "private".

I have not heard back from my IC regarding her conversation with CPS.

I am in the process of creating Gmail accounts for my kids so that they can possibly have their own accounts, not be linked to their dad in any way other than the payment method so he can purchase games for them, and then I will be in charge of the parental controls. He's had his chance to keep the kids safe.

BTW, my kids aren't supposed to have the wireless password because I don't want them on the internet at ALL here at home unless they're on the desktop computer that has Net Nanny installed. This daughter snuck the wireless password. :(


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, Gmail has filter options that you can set up such as restricting all images, restricting incoming mail to allow only messages from people on their contacts list. From my experience, they need to be revisited to make sure they are functioning the way you want them to. I have all incoming email to my kids accounts automatically copied to my personal email. (You can set this up for outgoing email as well. I did not.)

There are flaws of course, and no filter should make a parent feel safe. A computer savvy kid will know that gmail is free and set up their own account without your knowledge. Also, chats are not copied. You can turn off chat, but it can be turned right back on.

Just an FYI, PSA. My experience is that these filters worked great when my kids were much younger, but they didn't really use email then.

I hope you get IRL answers and support that you need. Soon. My apologies if the support made you feel untrusted. My own response to this kind of shock/trauma can be to freeze, feel overwhelmed, unable to see what to do, when to do, in what order how, what? should I, shouldn't I, (being a grown up sucks can I change my mind now please?) if only someone would tell me what to do and I could just do it! So, for me, that is what I tried to offer. If only Google maps had directions (for these types of situations) for how to get from here to where I want to be with route choices, estimated expenses and travel time.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Question  Posted: 12:18 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE??? I would love all ideas & suggestions on how to:

* make it so that the kids each have their own account for their own Nooks so that they no longer have a "one for all and all for one" situation where they are forced to share books, games, even ID's or names or something. I think the fact that all three Nooks are linked is the root of this problem (other than the fact that my ex is a sicko). I have created a Gmail account now for each of my children to use for this purpose, if that will make this possible. But no way in Hell will I give my ex the password for the Gmail accounts. No f-ing way.

* only are connected to their father's gmail account because that's how new games & apps are purchased. They can't see his email or anything else of his ever again other than the fact that his email is the account to buy stuff. If Chrome or YouTube have to be activated (I don't think they do, but whatevs), then they will be run through the Gmail accounts *I* set up for the kids.

* make each Nook have the child's profile as the ONLY profile so parental controls can be activated and then ONLY modified if a password is entered. I realize I will probably have to share that password with my sicko ex, and as such he'll no doubt leave the password open because he's a careless bastard who gets off on flaunting rules and exposing children to everything wrong in the world, but at least that possibility of safety is available. Right now it is NOT.

ARE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the nook is anything like a normal android tablet, it is very easy to use separate accounts for separate purposes. My wife and I share accounts for photos and app purchases, but separate for email.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
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