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Newest Member: BetterMindset (45337)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Communication
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To say that good communication is a problem I struggle with would be an understatement. As part of the introspective process I am undertaking I have acknowledged that this is a major weak spot for me. I realize it always has been but I have never done anything about it other than tell myself I need to do better. But the problem is I don't know how to do that. It's not just a matter of doing it. I need to know how.

I see so many posts where people posit a problem and the advice in many cases is "talk to your spouse about it." Even now my BS and I struggle to talk about our situation. I don't bring it up out of fear. Fear of ruining a good day, fear of not knowing what to say or how to say it. I feel like this has been a major source of trouble within our marriage. Part of my "why" is the fact that I acted out of a sense of rejection. The problem is the rejection probably wasn't rejection at all, it was a lack of communication between us. I take responsibility for that now and know that I should have recognized it sooner and done something to improve it.

So how about some advice? Is there a good book you've come across that would help? Especially pertaining to communication within marital relationships.

I've always used the excuse that I'm not a good communicator but I've never done anything about it. That needs to change.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Do one thing every day that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

You have to be brave. Communication takes bravery, and kindness by both parties.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
StartingFreshNow
♀ Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Fighting for you Marriage"

It's a book on communication that I found to be wonderful and unbelievably helpful. Multiple counselors I've seen have also given me advice that is in this book so I feel it's a safe book to recommend :)


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I can't be the only person in the Wayward forum who doesn't have good communication skills

Just wanted to bump this to see if anyone could give some advice.

Startingfresh, thanks for the book recommendation. I've already put it on my list.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a huge, huge problem for me as well. Fear keeps me from communicating. I stuff my feelings, especially when I am angry or when someone is running over my boundaries. I am extremely non-confrontational, and I really struggle to initiate difficult conversations with my spouse. I knew there were issues and problems for a long time, but I was too scared to confront my BH. I don't know what I was and am afraid of. He is not a violent person, but it's like I'm afraid he's going to hit me or something. And a lot of our problems were shared, but I took responsibility for them all. This is pre-affair, btw.

oh well. I don't have any advice. I am too much of a mess to offer anything constructive, but I can identify. I will be interested to see what others say in response.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always been horrible communicator. Turns out, through a ton of work and IC, that i just didn't have the words, especially for my emotions.

Pre-DDay, emotions were simply the basics: happy, sad, love, hate. Now i'm learning to differentiate between frustration & hate, disappointment & sadness, etc.

I thank god have great IC and friends that don't laugh (too much ) at my ignorance and help me work through them.

Its a long road I'll be traveling for awhile, but it has enhanced all my relationships.


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
Remone
♂ New Member
Member # 40260
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great topic, I have struggled with exactly this and I have come to a conclusion. It's that my communication comes from a very inward place. I don't use the skill of seeing how a situation might be affecting my BS, only me. That is hard for my BS. I realize that if I approach communication from a place of curiosity about her perspective rather then just blurting out my take on it, that there is then communication. If I don't say it then it festers inside of me and my perspective of only thinking about myself and how I'm feeling gets worse. It's a progress.

Peace


Posts: 38 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"7 principles of making marriage work" - Gottman

Start learning about "Active Listening"

Try this:
when your BS tells you something, repeat it back to her in what you understand her to be saying. This is an important part.

Also:
Do not get lost in the beginning of the conversation thinking about the first part of what she is saying so that you miss the next 10 sentences before you are listening again.

These are 2 things I have worked diligently on. and have made a difference.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 699 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it gets to the "how" of better communication, but one thing has propelled me. I used to stuff my feelings, too. Typical guy, right? My reactions to these stuffed feelings is what got me depressed, and withdrawn, and then all the rest.

When BW said she wanted to see outward changes in my behavior, this was one of the biggest, most important ones.

I still have problems with it, but I can start conversations with "I know you want me to share my feelings, so..." It's sort of a permission to say anything, even if its unpleasant.

Even if it's bad, BW's reaction is tempered with relief that I am communicating.

Hang in there.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 625 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thought

Read "understanding the tin man" this could help shed some light on that subject for you and your BS


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 699 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to stuff my feelings, too. Typical guy, right? My reactions to these stuffed feelings is what got me depressed, and withdrawn, and then all the rest.
somethingremorse, your post resonated with me because my problem might not be so much of how to communicate within or after a conversation has started so much as it is how to get one started in the first place. I like you tend to bury feelings as well and you hit the nail on the head as to what that leads to.

I admit that I have a hard time starting conversations with BS. I'm not sure why. Still trying to figure that out. What am I so afraid of? I think your tip of just coming right out and saying, I need to express my feelings and just doing it is probably best. I have to remind myself that no matter what the reaction is, it has to be better than the alternative of continuing to bury them.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No you aren't, I need to learn this too.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
PainfulReminder
♀ Member
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunatly communicating is a two way street andif a person doesn't want to listen or learn to open up you can't help that..


BUT, you can express yourself and listen.

Some things that help is either writing things out and reading it over to see if that is really how you feel or talking out loud to yourself. Sometimes we don't "communicate well" because we actually don't know what to say.

Don't be afraid of being misunderstood or rejected. Fear stops us from being honest so many times.

Have empathy. Don't get mad when your spouse is telling you something but rather look at things objectively. If you stop yourself from jumping to conclusions, projecting or being closed minded it can be easier

Communicate don't convince. A lot of people (raises hand) try to convince the other person of our opinion. But, sometimes we are wrong or just have a different perception. Letting go of the outcome of a disussion can keep tempers calm and pressure off.

Be vunerable. Don't let pride stop you from saying something.

Those are a few things I have learned. The other is to not stew on something. And to not just want other people to "get it". The whole "he should know" causes so many problems.

So many.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013
shiftingsand
♀ Member
Member # 43656
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my WH has the same issues - "stuffing" things, having conversations in his head without me - although he thinks I am there with him - it is only what HE thinks I would say - not neccessarily what I WOULD say. Remember that when you do not share those things you deny your spouse the opportunity to respond POSITIVELY!

My counselor suggested the following to help conversation rolling - pick three things or at least one thing that happened to you that day tell him/her about it and How it made you FEEL and why.

Also, try asking questions of your spouse about how he/she feels! Ask open ended questions- those that are not answerable by Yes,NO.

Struggling with conversation myself! lol


Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are so many of us in this same boat, it's beginning to get a little crowded! I started another thread not too long ago about talking about the Affair. I stuff(ed); I got/get scared; I have/had difficulty identifying my emotions. I'm developing an awareness of these traits and more importantly what to do about it. You aren't the only one.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 307 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, BW and I had not 10 minutes ago been dealing with my fear of ruinung good days (I was always a dismal communicator, now im just a shit one lol) and needing to come forward with feelings and my own struggles as a wayward on my own rather than always waiting to be asked.

Look I am not a master at this by a long shot, but I have come a long way with it. It was fear for me as well. I have always been terrified of confrontation. Even with the person I am supposed to trust the most. Trust, for me, never extended to vulnerability. And thats the key right there. You need to be brave enough to be vulnerable.

As someone who has always feared communicating, the way I have learned to be more vulnerable was by coming to believe with my whole heart that it was central and pivotal to the survival of my marriage that I do so. I realised I feared the collapse of my family and my life more than I feared confrontation and I CHOSE to be vulnerable instead. Of course, its not always that easy! And I dont always succeed. But with time and pratice, im getting better at it.

Your BS will appreciate this more than almost anything else you could do. Because every little thing you volunteer that your BS doesnt have to ask for is another brick in the new house of trust you are building.

I just want to ask about one other thing you said - you mentioned part of your why was a feeling of rejection. Are you saying you think you may hve cheated because you felt your BS didnt want you? If thats the case, I strongly encourage you to dig deeper. Rejection isnt your why. Your why, is why you chose to deal with feeling rejected by cheating. Why did you feel that was an ok way to cope?

If im off track above, please ignore. If im not, keep working at it. The statement 'that needs to change' is a great one.


Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 115 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 16

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