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User Topic: Survived weekend, had conversation, not sure what to think
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is an alcoholic and can't go more than a day or two without drinking or he gets very unpleasant.

This, on top of everything else? Oh Gottabeabiggirl.

Please, please, take the advice of everyone here and leave him.

You feel weak and incapable of leaving. So I think it would help you to read the "How to get out" advice on sites for those who are in abusive marriages, because whether you believe yourself to be in such a marriage or not, these are precisely the feelings experienced by those who are. So the advice will help you. (Look again at the list that I believe Nature_Girl posted for you in an earlier thread and continue to work on that.)

Do not listen to your husband's promises to change and appeals to your love and good-heartedness. Those who subject their wives to domestic violence usually promise to change as well. But they don't. If your husband chooses to write a journal, he is probably very good with words, so he may be exceptionally persuasive. I beg you not to be persuaded by him. In my opinion, his problems require professional help: they are too complex and severe for you to solve, however great your love. And if you stay with him, you have fifty or so years of a very bleak future ahead of you.

Listen, please, to Forged1:

If you do not walk away from this person right now, you will spend the rest of your life with him (however long that may be) in a constant state of anxiety, fear, doubt and self-loathing until he cheats on you again. You will never again have a moment's peace. If you walk away, you will get the chance to be happy again.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:44 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2009
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur with everything the others have said.

I might differ a little on the age gap thing, because I was married at 18 and I have no problems with an 18 yr old marrying a 28 yr old (these types of age differences have happened in our family and been successful marriages). BUT, that's if it is true love not just an age fetish thing, and both are mature and loyal people. However, I think your husband may have an age fetish thing,when he's 50+ still "friends" with 18/19 yr olds it's gonna be a mess.

This relationship sounds exhausting. That's what I picture your future like with this man: exhausting. You will always have to be the rock & the stability while you are constantly watching out for some new shiny object to catch his eye, while he panders around being a big man-baby doing, acting, and thinking however he wants.

He's breaking so many loyalty rules it's not even funny. And on top of it, I get the feeling he wants accolades and blue ribbons for his "honesty" and the fact that he doesn't actually whip his d!ck out and f##k every one of these crushes and fantasies. Am I right?

unfortunately , I think you will have to leave him to save yourself from a lifetime of changing his emotional Pampers. Sorry, to put it that way but this is not fair to you what he is doing. You can always call off a divorce at last minute, you can always remarry him if a D even does go through! Don't worry about those things, worry about your own future and your own self because he's not.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 5:08 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 44120
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize the age thing was a fetish as we had so much in common... I should have known that was a bad sign as he was 10 years older. I was mature for my age with my mom having cancer and a substance abuse problem and my dad in a coma, I had to support the family with my high school bf for a while and dealt with serious responsibility early. I never did any of the college partying and was always responsible for myself and took things in my life seriously from about 16 on.

But yeah we had the same spiritual beliefs, music tastes, hobbies, life goals, passions, etc... I never knew he had these issues, I just looked up to him so much and he was the perfect man for me even with his past shitty behavior. Naive.

My aprents were 13 years apart and his parents are 10... his parents just hit 43 years. I really thought we had a chance as both sets of our parents met each other when the women were very young and aside from my mom dying, have been successful relationships.

He does think honesty should get him some passes. Today I had to blow up for him adding his 19 (he now suddenly claims she is 23 like that matters) coworker on fb and then ANOTHER 20 year old coworker last week (she added him and he knows her dad but still...) and he just didn't get it. He told me, well I told you about her and how I talked to her so you should understand its not a threat... NO DONT DO STUFF LIKE THAT DANG IT!

Our MC finally laid it out for him that if he wants to continue our relationship he has to give up pursuing any kind of relationships with these other girls. Period. And what he did WAS cheating. He didnt argue for the first time ever when hearing that stuff.

I know its hopeless, I am a fool. My date I set is August 2nd. I have decided to just stick to that as I have planned all along, give myself some time to get my stuff together, figure out things, feel confident in my decision. Enjoy the last few nights I have to pretend to be happy.

[This message edited by gottabeabiggirl at 7:44 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

Me - BW 25
Him - WH 35
No kids

Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DDay - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not a fool, gbbg. You're a woman in love. In love with a man who JUST added TWO *young* women as friends on Facebook (and get this: expects YOU to be the understanding one, not HIM!) Added them even with therapy. Even with his journaling to help him understand how to have healthy relationships. After all this reading he's begun.

Yes, it's a terribly hard future to face, no matter which way you turn, but you will do what you need to do.

IMHO, you need to go ahead and file. It won't be hard to do that yourself, it will show him you aren't a child anymore and you aren't playing, and if he isn't able to rise to the occasion, well, you're that much further down the road.

IF he does make a miraculous recovery, you can put it on hold or stop it. If he can't do it in time, you can still consider something later - with you in a stronger place since you know you can make it on your own.

Take your time to do whatever you need. You have a home here when you need support.

P.S. That alcoholism thing? That's a big deal, too. Interesting that you only mention it late in the game, sort of as an afterthought. It's not. Marriages have broken up over just that is. It may have been subconscious, but I bet you two were a strangely good fit because you were already bent being raised by your substance abusing mom.

It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 381 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GBABG- you are not stupid, silly, crazy or whatever lable you want to give yourself. I wrote my dalliance with a man 10 years older then I was on your other thread, but what I didn't say was that it took me MONTHS AND MONTHS to disconnect from him. I hid the continuation of my relationship with him from family and friends because of how ashamed I was of it. And for the past 10 years I have beaten myself up over how stupid and pathetic I was not to have had enough self respect for myself not to have left the day he laid a hand on me. But I've actually been able to work through that lately and give myself a bit of a break. Just do the best you can.

The thing about the large age difference when we are that young, is that usually one of the major attractions to someone that much older is the idea of their maturity, stability and the illusion that they know and understand love. The reality, often times is not the case. Obviously in your family it has worked, but it is often a generational thing and they often end in separation within our generation. That is my experience anyway.

The biggest thing here... Even after your huge talk, his breaking down and sharing of intimacy, he then went and added the chick he is sharing the intimate secrets of your marriage with on fb. Talk about NOT GETTING IT! This man is highly entitled, selfish and unaware of your feelings at the very least. He thinks because he is honest he can continue to behave however he likes. This is not healthy and it is not safe. I think too, if you are honest with yourself your WH hasn't just developed this type of thinking and behaviour for however long his ea has been with your friend. There are most likely signs of it since the beginning that you either didn't pick up on or didn't see through the proverbial rose coloured glasses.

Don't let this man take your life. This isn't what love is supposed to be like. If he isn't kissing the ground you walk on and throwing himself into fixing himself then you could waste a couple of years "just seeing".

Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gottabe,

I just want to comment I don't think you are a fool.

I think you made the most educated and thoughtful decisions you were capable of at each stage in your life. When you met this man, I have no doubt that the 18 year old version of yourself was sure this guy was the one.

Even if you were a mature 18 year old, you didn't have the decision power and wisdom you have now. Do not blame your younger self for decisions an older, wiser, smarter version of yourself would have made differently.

But also recognize when a younger, less experienced version of yourself may have made a mistake. And recognize that the current, wiser version of yourself does not need to be loyal to poor decisions a younger version of yourself made.

I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^saturnpatrick has really kind, powerful advice there.

When we are around something/someone long enough, and sheltered by it, it becomes "normal" and we rationalize/normalize it. Because you were young and in a less stable life, the added perceived "security" of your marriage further created an attachment.

Making these changes now, for yourself, is really hard. That you are willing to see differently and question your circumstances is a testament to your strength and will, gottabe.

Keep writing here--you are among supporters and friemds.

Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((GBABG)) You are not a fool, look at all of us on here!! Most of us feel that way at times about this stuff, even though rationally what were we to do? Start our marriages with PIs following around our spouses?

They are liars, by definition a Wayward spouse = a lying spouse.

I hope I didn't offend you about the age fetish thing. As I said, I'm not of the opinion that an 18 yr old and a 28 yr old can't have a successful, healthy marriage. But, I think there is pattern with your WH, he's pushing 40 and wants "friends" young enough to be his daughter.

You may not see yourself this way, but you ARE strong. You've filed for D, you are a little confused and still wish all of this wasn't true or there was some explanation, but actually you've shown guts. Stay on your path, at times you start to doubt what is going on just remember "This IS NOT what a loyal man does and I don't deserve to be treated this way".

Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm overwhelmed for you. This is hard but please, please take everyone's advice and file for divorce. Withdraw the petition if you must but file now. This man is an alcoholic and an unrepentant cheat at the very least. From what you've said, he also sounds very much like a sex addict as well. It's not normal to imagine almost every woman you see naked. It's not normal to create elaborate fantasies about women you meet. It's not normal for your preferred age cohort to be emotionally vulnerable young women. But his abnormalities don't matter; your healing matters. Please, get yourself continued help and strongly consider ending this marriage. If ever he fixes himself and becomes the husband you deserve (unlikely), you can possibly reunite. But this, right now, is draining you.

M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 29
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