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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: One night stand on vacation
MovingPast
♂ New Member
Member # 44273
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me begin with a little bit of background. My partner and I aren't married. There are no children involved. I know those two details would have a lot of people saying, "get out now". However, I'm committed to making this work.

We're in our mid-20's and we've been together for 3 years since University. About half of that time was spent traveling together, and it's a huge component of our life that we hope to always plan around.

However, between her last job and when she starts graduate school in the fall she planned for a 4-month trip to Colombia which I wasn't financially able to swing. We talked it through, and I was more than comfortable with her going. I trusted her implicitly.

Her time has been spent mostly on farms, and a bit in hostels traveling around. She stayed on the first farm for a month and a half at the beginning of the trip, and although I was a little weary I still trusted her.

Yesterday, 2 months after the fact, she came clean to me and said that she did have a ONS with the owner of the farm. She said it was terrible, they stopped a little ways into it, and they're just friends now.

Since she volunteered the info, I completely believe that it was one instance and that she is disclosing the true details. She could have gotten away with never telling me, but she chose to.

She had planned to return to the farm for the last week of her trip since it is a free accommodation near the airport. Obviously I put my foot down on that idea.

Anyways, she sounds truly repentant (although most probably do) and both of us truly want to move forward from this.

I can't imagine my life without her, but I fully understand that it might not work out. I'm completely prepared and ready to pull the plug if I'm not able to get past what happened, but I hope that I can.

She'll be home in 2.5 weeks, and I guess the road to recovery will start then. I'm not sure how it'll work out, but I'm hopeful for the future.

Any questions that might jog my thought process, ideas or gentle advice are welcome. Even though I've made it clear that I want to move forward, I'm totally open to arguments against it as well since these decisions need to be well thought out.

Cheers,
- M


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and both of us truly want to move forward from this.
How will you ever believe her or trust her again. She has a lot of work to do in order for you to ever trust her again.

There can be no sweeping this under the rug and this is not some little mistake. Why did she have sex with some guy she didnt really know. The real answer is there.

No matter what excuse she gives, she can always use it next time. If an affair and especially the honest reasons for it are swept under the rug, most likely it will happen again in the future...something is there and she needs to be honest with herself and then you about it.

The it was terrible and they stopped through it sounds to me like minimizing the entire truth.

And why still friends if it was so terrible?

How much older is this other guy?


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Jun 2002
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone het would necessarily tell you to get out after a ONS. I believe EVERYONE here would caution you about not investigating further and being completely certain those are the only facts. Only you know your relationship. We don't know her morals or ethics and can only hope you really do. It's definately a red flag in a three year relationship. People do make mistakes and cheaters lie. The only advice I'd give you is to take care if yourself and trust your gut. Good luck. I wish you the best.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friend, This is the very first thing that MUST end:

Yesterday, 2 months after the fact, she came clean to me and said that she did have a ONS with the owner of the farm. She said it was terrible, they stopped a little ways into it, and they're just friends now.

Sorry, but you don't fuck someone, and now have them as your friend. No Contact (NC) is the hallmark of any potential reconciliation, and is absolutely NON NEGOTIABLE. PERIOD!... Contact means the affair continues. She lied, deceived, and I'm willing to bet has a LOT more that she can tell you, and IMO is minimizing big time. Cheaters by their very nature are very selfish liars, and look to save their own asses, reputation, etc.

Know how you feel now most likely will change, to include white hot anger at what she did, and most especially the lying, deception, and complete breaking of trust. Any potential Recovery you may wish to extend is a gift to her, and she has to earn it with extreme remorse and work to help *you* heal. Any anger, rug sweeping, minimizing, and God forbid gaslighting, means a one way ticket to splitsville. I understand being committed, but you must as best you can be objective, strong, and clear thinking as you can... What you are experiencing is severe emotional trauma, and there is no magic to get through it, not past it. Good luck friend, and know we all know what the pain feels like, the roller coaster of emotions, the feeling of sadness, emasculation, you name it... Remember, and never forget, she is 1000% responsible, you are zero % for her terrible, selfish CHOICE. Strength to you brother.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A word of caution. My WH confessed to me, too. I would never have known. The guilt was crushing him. But even then, he minimized. He said they "had stopped". I believed him. I later found out that they had stopped that time - that was true - but that he also took her out for dinner a few times after that as "friends", and she gave him a bj.

We had a second Dday a year later, because he had not done the work inside to figure out how he could give himself permission to do it in the first place. He was regretful, but not remorseful. Huge difference.

If your Wgf is regretful but not remorseful - if it was just a one time "mistake" - I would be very wary of investing more of my life or trust into the relationship.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
MovingPast
♂ New Member
Member # 44273
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How will you ever believe her or trust her again. She has a lot of work to do in order for you to ever trust her again.

Craig, I'm not sure that I'll be able to trust her ever again. It's impossible to know that right now, one day later. I do know that I want to try though and that I believe our relationship is worth the fight.

And while my message might seems very light and forgiving, we both understand this isn't getting 'brushed under the rug' or going away anytime soon. There's a long hard road ahead to regain trust, and we're not just going to skip that step because it would be easier.

You could be totally right about minimizing the truth, but by that standard I guess I'm not sure why she would've come clean about it at all.

I think he was late 20's


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
MovingPast
♂ New Member
Member # 44273
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but you don't fuck someone, and now have them as your friend. No Contact (NC) is the hallmark of any potential reconciliation, and is absolutely NON NEGOTIABLE. PERIOD!... Contact means the affair continues. She lied, deceived, and I'm willing to bet has a LOT more that she can tell you, and IMO is minimizing big time. Cheaters by their very nature are very selfish liars, and look to save their own asses, reputation, etc.

Shock, I completely agree and that was the first non negotiable thing. She terminated contact, and she's not going back there.

I should've been more clear about that point, as she presented it as "friends" to me. I absolutely wouldn't stand for them to remain in contact because it's just not worth my sanity for me to worry about it


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
MovingPast
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Member # 44273
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a second Dday a year later, because he had not done the work inside to figure out how he could give himself permission to do it in the first place

Plainpain, that is an interesting point you raise and it sounds like an incredibly important part of recovery to analyze.

What do you mean by 'how he could give himself permission'? Is that the excuse such as 'the sex in our relationship is bad' or 'my wife is distant' or is it something else altogether?


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could be totally right about minimizing the truth, but by that standard I guess I'm not sure why she would've come clean about it at all.
Guilty conscience. And then the WS will rationalize that just telling a little bit of the entire truth is good in itself and all is well, the truth is out.

Most people who lie don't realize that a partial truth is an outright lie.

Why would she wait to tell you 2 months later? Did she mention to you why it took her so long to tell you about a terrible ONS.

I hope your GF gets an STD test right away.


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Jun 2002
MovingPast
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Member # 44273
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig, any advice on prodding to ensure that it is the full truth? Or do I just have to leave it at that and decide whether or not I believe it?

Why would she wait to tell you 2 months later? Did she mention to you why it took her so long to tell you about a terrible ONS

She wanted to tell me when she got home so we could navigate this in person, but was unable to wait due to a guilty conscience. She said she had considered coming home immediately after, but decided not to because she would be ashamed that everyone would ask why she terminated her trip early. Obviously this is a sticking point, and I told her that she should've come home.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember cheaters minimize.
ONS could mean 10 times so you have to find out exactly what you are forgiving her for.
Just something to think about.
Is she going to have a job that requires a lot of traveling?
You will trigger if she does.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For starters, the best way to know if you have the entire truth is to pay attention. Try to listen more than ask.

Have your questions ready. Ask them again and again and if the answers change, that could mean she is lying.

Why was the sex terrible?
How did sex even start?
Why stop?
Was she drinking?
Where was everyone else.

You can play detective if you want to. But watch when she gives answers. Only ask the questions that you can handle the answers to. Because these answers will be with you forever.

Some people want to know everything and others don't.

If you do not feel like playing detective and fooling around like this, you could always just tell her that she needs to take a polygraph and that is the only way you can believe her.

The bottom line to everything is to make damn sure she understands that this is huge and not some TV show nonsense. You can turn it around and ask her how would she feel if you did what she did.

What would she be thinking, would she trust you or believe you today.


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Jun 2002
MovingPast
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Member # 44273
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bottom line to everything is to make damn sure she understands that this is huge and not some TV show nonsense. You can turn it around and ask her how would she feel if you did what she did.

Craig, thanks for all of your advice. Seriously.

We've been discussing a lot about empathy. I've walked her through the scenario as if our situations were reversed.

In fact, I've accidentally left out what is probably a very important detail: her parents' marriage was plagued early on by several years of her father cheating.

It absolutely ripped them apart, and her mother still suffers to this day. Her suffering is also a big part of why I will be okay with pulling the plug if I can tell things won't move forward in a healthy and sustainable way.

She said that the shame and guilt from knowing she did that after having lived through it was a big part of why she came forward.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
plainpain
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Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH never wanted to cheat on me. I think in his mind he was a really great husband, and he truly wanted to be a faithful husband. The guilt crushed him, and he told to make himself feel like an honest person again. He was truly ashamed and wished he hadn't done it.

The "permission" he gave himself came from all the things inside him. He loved me, he thought I was a great wife, the AP(s) didn't mean anything to him, he never tried to justify it to me that way. He had a tremendous amount of insecurity, need for validation, conflict avoidance, entitlement and on and on. He was not generally a person of his word. He had very poor boundaries. He lied to protect himself. He was capable of compartmentalizing his moral beliefs from his actual choices. He was able to stuff all that down and hide it, flirt around it and function mostly fine in our relationship because I was an enabler... until he turned 40, had a MLC, and all the dysfunctional thinking just rose to the top.

He says his A was 20 years in the making.Your wgf choice to have an A has nothing to do with you or the AP. She made a choice to betray your trust and her integrity because something else was more important to her. What was a deeper need for her than those things? She has to figure that out.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many affairs happen because of childhood situations. This would be a perfect time for your gf to deal with any and all unresolved issues from her childhood.

Individual Counseling might be very helpful for her to get to the bottom of why she allowed herself to do this.


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Jun 2002
Lucky2HaveMe
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Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you mean by 'how he could give himself permission'? Is that the excuse such as 'the sex in our relationship is bad' or 'my wife is distant' or is it something else altogether?

These are excuses and blame shifting. You & your relationship have nothing to do with the choice she made to cheat. Why did she even get close enough to him that sex was an option? When the touching started, why didn't she stop then? And certainly when the clothes came off... there were chances for her to stop before it became *terrible*. What if it had been the best sex she ever had? Apparently she would not have stopped there?

I don't believe many WS can really get to there core why without counseling. Others may disagree, but it takes a whole lot of introspection and self-awareness to navigate this mess.

I have heard it said when a WS says they have their *why* they need to continue to ask why until there are no more answers left.

So - I cheated because I was unhappy in my relationship. Why? Because... Why? Because....

The - *if only my s/o had done/was better at X, then I would not have cheated* - That's bull. What happens the next time you forget to put the cap on the toothpaste?

This is a long road where both have to be committed to doing the hard work. I hope she is as willing as you think she is.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6361 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I both come from homes broken by infidelity. Adultery is anathema to me. To him, it wasn't so much. I think the big difference between how we processed it was empathy. He has always struggled with empathy and I have too much empathy. Both have been damaging to our personal health and to the health of our relationship in general.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You seem to be in shock. And time is on your side. Why make a decision today? There are no easy answers - it's not like buying a car.

She had planned to return to the farm for the last week of her trip since it is a free accommodation near the airport. Obviously I put my foot down on that idea.

This doesn't sound consistent with the rest of the story. It really will take a while to establish whether this experience is a one-time shock for her, or if she isn't a good long-term partner for you.

She needs to drive more of this, should you choose to pursue reconciliation.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First and foremost - I'm sorry you're here. No one wants to know this site exists, let alone feel a need for it. It's a living hell.

Even though I've made it clear that I want to move forward, I'm totally open to arguments against it as well since these decisions need to be well thought out.

I'd pull back on the 'making it clear'. You need to see her actions first. Many, many members here and people in the real world have survived a ONS and gone on to have wonderful relationships. I have no doubt if you both want that, you can have it. However, I believe you should wait until you see that she is remorseful and is going to do the work necessary before you commit to R. You may know that you hope things work out, but if you're leading the way, then she's not doing the work, she's just following.

Has she offered to come home early? To me, that would be a good sign. Is this trip more important than the relationship? I'm not saying she absolutely should come home, but if she's not even thinking that maybe, after this, she should be with you instead of getting her last 2.5 weeks of vaca in, then to me, she's still in a very selfish mindset. ALL people that cheat are selfish, at least while cheating. Is she currently cheating? Or in an EA with this farmer? Maybe, maybe not - but cheating is a completely selfish act, and that level of selfishness doesn't happen for only an hour. For me, a willingness to get home and start the work instead of continuing the trip would be a good sign. So, has she mentioned coming home early?

Also - her thinking that it would be ok to go back to that farm tells me she's still got some serious work to do. This man isn't her friend. He helped her do something that was very destructive to her life. That isn't a friend, it's a predator.

It's a very good thing that she confessed, but are you asking why she confessed? Was she hoping you would end things, or was it guilt, or both? A telephone confession just before returning home would have me wondering why? Why not wait until she could do this in person? Was she afraid and thought the telephone would be easier for her? It sure wasn't easier for you (selfish). Why wait until she was almost home? Did she compartmentalize her actions and now that home is around the corner she could no longer do that, or was she hoping that, after a few months of basically being single, she could continue that by effectively destroying your relationship?

I think you need these and many other answers before you decide you're all in. Right now, you're simply looking at your life with or without the GF you knew. Things are different now, and you'll be seeing things differently soon enough. Red Sox Nation is right - shock is very common right after DDay, and you may be feeling some of that. When some of the dust settles, you'll see things differently. That doesn't mean you will change your mind about R. It just means that once this has settled in you will have a tornado of emotions to deal with, and 1,000 questions for each emotion.

In short - try to get to the 'why' of why she told you in this manner, and also why you should feel safe moving forward. It's her responsibility to prove that you are safe with her. Decide on R after you're comfortable that you can live with her answers and after you've seen that she's going to do the necessary work, not before.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Individual Counseling might be very helpful for her to get to the bottom of why she allowed herself to do this.

I think there is a lot to be said for this. In fact, if this is something that is going to be a long-term relationship, I think it is a core issue in preventing another A of any kind.

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass would be a great read for both of you.

And yes, sadly I fear that the "just the one time and that was it" is something that far too many of us heard on their way to learning the full truth. They say that out of a misguided sense of protecting you from "worse pain." That might even be partially true, but they have no idea that learning more details later hurts FAR worse than the initial pain of learning of the affair.

The nice thing is that you don't have to decide to do anything today. Give it a few months, to let both your heads clear a bit. If she really adheres to NC and is serious about rebuilding, you'll know it. Furthermore, after a few weeks, you'll lose a bit of the "pick me!" instinct, and may choose a different course as well. There is no hurry.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
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