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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How have you changed since Dday?
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has changed so much since dday. His changes are big and obvious as he was so broken and has been working so hard to improve. Today I made the realization that I too have changed after something my WH said over the weekend. I know I was not perfect before the A. Since dday we have both been uncovering all kinds of things about ourselves. That has been positive for both of us. I hate how these changes have come about, but I do think that I am a new improved me in some ways. I am no longer controlling- I don't have to be anymore- my husband now controls himself. I no longer stuff feelings- I have cried more than I ever have. I feel more intensely for the good and the bad. I've lost a lot of weight- I know I look the best I possibly could right now. I take better care of myself and put my needs first. I've spoiled myself a little- if I want o take a bath I do it. IF I want a cookie I eat it. I give myself time for quiet, time to think, time to process. I've slowed down my life a lot. The time I spend with my kids and WH is definitely higher quality than it was in the past.

There are some not so great things too- I"m less confident- I question things more and I definitely feel pain every day. I am distracted- I have a hard time concentrating on things.

I'm working to regain my focus and to spend good quality time with my kids and WH.


Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
brokengirl37
♀ Member
Member # 42530
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some not so great things too- I"m less confident- I question things more and I definitely feel pain every day. I am distracted- I have a hard time concentrating on things


I feel the same way. R takes 2 people and it sounds like for the most part you are both on the same page.


((((hugs)))


Me: 38
WH : 40
2 Boys Age 10, 13
D-Day Feb 16 2014
OW: My Co-worker

Posts: 70 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some not so great things too- I"m less confident- I question things more and I definitely feel pain every day. I am distracted- I have a hard time concentrating on things


This is totally me. I have a new job and am failing at feeling a passion for my work. Or even a desire.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*snausage fingers posting

[This message edited by unfound at 4:06 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am more patient with those that deserve it and less with those that don't.

I am more empathetic.

I have no blind trust.

I have zero tolerance for asshattery.

I am more inclined to step back from something I don't understand and process it than having knee jerk reactions towards it.

I believe that no one can make me feel anything more or less than I feel for myself.

I've lost weight, gained weight, fought my weight and have finally come to peace with my body. (I still reserve the right to bitch about the dryer shrinking my pants though )

I have a quiet confidence that no matter what, I will be okay. I understand that this doesn't mean I won't ever hurt or be taken out at the knees, but I will be okay.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am more patient with those that deserve it and less with those that don't.

me too! although I'm finding that most DO deserve it. A few sticklers in there.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - interest in my hobbies, my job, cannot listen to my music (sold it or gave it all away) or watch movies, cannot multitask (can't even listen to the radio while driving anymore - I just can't concentrate), trust in people, and the confidence that I knew what I was doing. Most unusual and significant, I suppose - completely lost my faith in God.

Found - my compassion, empathy, and mercy, a desire to understand and not judge. Knowledge that nothing is permanent, and that I can live through Hell and come out the other side with my heart still beating. The desire to improve and broaden myself. Preference for experiences over material things.

Astonishment at how cruel, selfish, and unthinking people can be toward those who love them and trust them completely.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - interest in my hobbies, my job, cannot listen to my music (sold it or gave it all away) or watch movies, cannot multitask (can't even listen to the radio while driving anymore - I just can't concentrate), trust in people, and the confidence that I knew what I was doing. Most unusual and significant, I suppose - completely lost my faith in God.

crushed - I'm so very sorry.... I have a tough time reading now. what is it with the concentration thing? And God, yes, I turned to him after Dday 1 but then after Dday2, I turned away.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:13 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great topic!

I am vulnerable, open, honest, feeling, caring, and trustworthy. I was barely any of that before dday. In some ways, we fight more because I will not rugsweep even the smallest topics, and I will attempt to be sure my opinion is really heard. My "giveashit bone" is truly broken.

I don't trust anything on blind faith. I am not certain that we'll grow old together, and I really am not sure of her love as a foundation for our future. I hope that I'm desirable, but no longer know it. I hope that I matter, that my children matter, that anything I do or say matters, but I have been shown that the opposite is true.

It is hard to learn at a young age that we all die alone.

No one will really be there for me, and it someone is, I worry that it is for the wrong reasons.

I fear that improvement isn't in the future.

I am terrified.

Nothing above I wrote was true before March of this year. She took one year to show me that what I believed was true was only a laughable lie.

That sucks.

That said, I am hoping that something stronger rises from the ashes, something that similarly wasn't there before dday.

ETA: I looked back at this post and that sounds so ... grim. I believe WW and I are in fact in on a solid R path. I wish it hadn't happened, but it did. Given that, we're making something positive out of what was a terrible series of choices.

[This message edited by Didact at 2:04 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread...interesting to see different self analyses from people at different stages of this process. I am going on 5 years out and if you had asked me this 2,3 years ago I think my responses may have been different, but now...

I am over the panic and at a place in my life where life TODAY matters...I am unsure of what will happen in my life and M next year, next month...so nothing is carved in stone, but I have a tentative plan A (married) and plan B (he screws up and I am not married). Basically life is short and is unfolding before my eyes. The are no great expectations and I just want to enjoy life.

I am no longer controlling...and don't WANT control over anything/anyone else but me. That being said, I get frustrated with myself more easily for getting behind at work and gaining back the weight I lost.

I don't like to play games around an issue...if you don't mean it DONT say it and if you think it just be honest and say it!

No more blind trust.

When H lets one of his old let's be critical of crossroads comments (he did that a lot in the past... has really improved), I DON"T just let it ride anymore.


Posts: 600 | Registered: Nov 2010
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This Thursday, I made it thorough 1 year. My DDay was 7/31/13:

I know that I can make it through anything and feel strong that way

I have very little tolerance for stupidity

I am not as social. I tend to like to spend a day by myself if my husband is not around

I am much more observant of all things. Almost like I am looking for something constantly. I do not like this as it makes me feel not relaxed ever

I don't sleep well

I don't consider anything to be forever. I think things can change at the drop of a hat


Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been one year, almost to the day since I found out and our year in hell began.
It is odd because I haven't been on the site in almost six months, and this topic really resonates with me this morning.

I have good days and bad days.
I feel as if I have lost my "true" happy. The innocent one, the dreamer, the ever optimist.
Many of my feelings reflect what has already been said.

I am not writhing in pain and swimming in chaos anymore. But I certainly am not carefree and dancing.
I spend a lot of time alone- when not with him. Our time is spent on safe topics, plans for the future, plans for dinner, etc. but right now- I just feel ... Lonely. I lost myself a long time ago and it took his affair to make me see that.

On the outside, all looks well. Careers are moving along, kids are healthy and happy, we spend time together. Sometimes I have a hard time finding a reason...
I have very little patience for dishonesty of any kind. I prefer honest conversations and yes... We tend to argue a bit more because now I won't let things slide. But even now I am starting to say "whatever- does it even matter?"

Sorry- didn't mean to hijack your post with my sob story.
Yes- I have changed a lot. So much so that I don't even know who I really am anymore.
At one year, it has gotten so much better. But if this is the new normal, that makes me very sad.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen several mention loss of concentration and ability to multi-task. This has been one of my big challenges. I can't even listen to the radio when I drive anymore. My brain needs the quiet. I need to be able to think and process during that drive time. It's funny because I was talking to WH last night and he said that he, on the other hand, needs music in the car so he doesn't think or he goes to the place of shame and gets depressed. I also have a hard time watching tv or reading now. I can watch a movie once in a while if I'm lying in bed with WH and focusing. Otherwise these simple things are no longer a part of my daily life. Weird.

Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen several mention loss of concentration and ability to multi-task

this has got to be the result of trauma, some sort of change in the brain...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to tell all of you who mention the lack of concentration...can't read, listen to music, multitask, and other such things. I see that most people who are feeling that way are under the two year mark from D day. I remember feeling this so much. As an avid reader, I stopped reading. I love working in my gardens and barely touched them for two years. There would be days when nothing got done around my house, even though there was tons to do.

I am approaching the 3 years antiversary of D day and ALL of the above is so much better. Probably not back to 100% on any one of the things but getting better slowly on all fronts. Hang in there guys...it really can start to get better. I hope these words help someone because I can vividly remember the despair that the lack of normal brought to me.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
MissTrust
♀ Member
Member # 43549
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have lost the ability to concentrate, to read, watch tv or do anything slightly challenging. Lost my confidence in myself and everyone/everything, my patience with the kids, the desire to see anyone or do anything, lots of weight, memory is terrible, in fact all of the previously mentioned negative things apply to me too. What I have gained...nothing positive that I have identified as yet, maybe I will find them in time...but I have gained anxiety and panic attacks, an overactive brain and a very heavy heart :(

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 16

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