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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: getting past the bitterness
soloney
♀ Member
Member # 42621
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I don't often post on here but I am a frequent lurker, it supports me just to read others' stories. My WH and I are finally on the path to R. We spent a long time in limbo, he was TT, it was awful. Finally something smacked him in the head and he woke up. We are about 3 months in MC and he is in IC. Both are going well.

For the most part we are happy, we enjoy spending time together. But then sometimes I get mad, I get mad that he did all of this. I get mad that I have to do all of this work just to be happy in a marriage that I did not stray from. I especially get bitter when we go to MC. It's helping and I like our MC but I'm just mad that I have to go. None of this is my fault, but why do I have to deal with it all.

Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.


Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2014
newdaytomorrow
♂ New Member
Member # 44129
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much to add, but good to hear something clicked and you are in R. Keep doing what you are doing. You are correct, it's not your fault. You are working hard, keep it up!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: OH
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not your fault but I think where you are at is totally normal.
I know people talk about triggers and I'm actually pissed I have to do something to deal with them so I don't spiral down. Like really? Affairs AND mental gymnastics? So, I get where you're coming from.
But it will get better with the dreaded time word.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((soloney)))))

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. You are happy that you're moving towards R, happy that you are being given the truth, happy that your WH is remorseful, etc. However....

You never wanted a 'remorseful' spouse. You wanted a faithful spouse. You never wanted R, you just wanted M. You never knew you didn't have the truth, and you hate appreciating it after so many lies. In short, you did nothing wrong, and it's infuriating that your life had to change because of the selfish acts of WS.

I wish there were magic words to make you feel differently. Maybe someone else has them. I just wanted to offer support and to let you know you aren't alone. You aren't far from DDay (using your join date, which may not be an accurate barometer), so these things are all very new. With time, you won't be as resentful, and you won't feel such resentment at having to work like this, and the changes that are occurring in your life. I don't think you'll get used to them, but as more positive changes happen, you won't feel like it was all 'just' to move past the A. You'll see other positive benefits from these actions, which will help you in accepting this new marriage.

(((((hugs)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
soloney
♀ Member
Member # 42621
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind words. They really help on this Monday morning.

Sometimes I think I just need to hear that what I'm feeling is normal.


Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2014
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soloney~

As the others have said this was not your fault, but would you say you had a perfect M? I too am a BS, but I am all for MC (has not started yet) and I am also in IC. I need to find out how our M got so off track (partly my fault) and how we can get to a sustainable place with our M. On the other hand, I need to work though my own issues (FOO) and see what makes me tick.

At this point I am all for healing and therapy has been a Godsend for us. We need the tools to keep communication going and when a problem arises how to handle it without repeating our past mistakes. No one is perfect and I see that now, so does WH. He has uncovered a lot in his IC that has been very helpful for me to get a better understanding of how his A's started. I see the changes starting and I am hopeful for the future.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soloney,

I too have a lot of bitterness and resentment. You didn't ask for your spouse to stray, yet, you have to work on this? When I get mad or upset, my WW shuts down and ignores me.

Summerluv - No the marriage wasn't perfect, but we both had an equal hand in addressing those problems.

Thanks for letting me vent on your thread.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You never wanted a 'remorseful' spouse. You wanted a faithful spouse. You never wanted R, you just wanted M. You never knew you didn't have the truth, and you hate appreciating it after so many lies. In short, you did nothing wrong, and it's infuriating that your life had to change because of the selfish acts of WS.

Yes, yes, yes!!!! Almost 3 years out and I can still relate sooooo much to this. It doesn't make me cry or feel sick anymore...so I suppose that is good progress and time and my remorseful spouse doing what needs to be done. It can still make me "sigh" though. I'm hoping at some point that completely goes away!!


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 8

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