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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: looking back...affair chat
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are just about 7 years out from dday. Don't have any issues left from the affair and really haven't talked about it in a long time.

Friday night hubby and I were having a drink and talking about stuff when the affair came up. I actually am not even sure how it did.

We ended up talking about it for a couple of hours. It was surreal. No anger, no defensiveness....kind of like we were discussing a book or a movie.

He talked about what an ass he was, the damage he caused, my healing and how long it took me to let some things go.

I was amazed with his insight into himself. He completely sees the brokenness that allowed him to do this, the messed up way of thinking a WS has of justifying. He has never spent a day on SI, but I was proud of his SI wisdom...he has a complete grasp on it all.

I did ask him a few things, and I had a few hmmm moments with these.

I asked if he had forgiven himself. He said some days he thinks so and other times he isn't sure he will ever really completely forgive what he did.

I asked him what made him come out of the fog. He said he finally saw what HE was doing to our family, our home and the destruction he caused. He struggled with what he had done but knew he had to fix it.

I asked him about lies he told during the affair and just after dday. He said he knows he lied but couldn't for the life of him remember the lies he told. He knew he was screwed up and said he would say whatever it took to swing the conversation in a more comfortable direction.

I asked him if he felt bad for the OM and what he did to him. He said he does feel awful but never considered apologizing because the words would mean nothing to him. The OM has moved on and to go to him to apologize would just make him feel better and may not help the OM.

After dday he didn't feel bad for the OM because he felt their marriage was over. He said his thinking was ridiculous and his getting involved with the OW was wrong no matter what their marriage looked like.

I also asked him how he ended it...or more so how he was able to. He said he told the OW he was going "home", that he needed to fix us and then the OW made it real easy...she flipped her lid. He said her true colors came out, it was obvious his well being wasn't important to her....and she was just looking for someone to use. He said he was ashamed he fell for her and there was a lacking in him that allowed him to believe it.

He said not only has he repaired the broken, but he would never jeopardize what we have built again.

There was a lot more, it was such an easy conversation and when we were done we were actually laughing about the dumb things we did....what an ass he was and how wonderful to have it behind us.

Things do get better, healing can happen and people can find their way after being lost.

It took what seemed to be a long time to get here but really, it took as long as we needed to heal.

(((hugs))) to those on their way


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very nice.

How di he get his SI wisdom? (Just curious....)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10421 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome. :)


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dupe - I apologize.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:20 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10421 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine having that conversation without my heart exploding. I wish I had you on speed dial! :)


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 761 | Registered: Apr 2013
phoenixrises
New Member
Member # 44203
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Karma, I recently joined but have read a few of your other posts and cut and pasted something you had recently posted for inspiration on my bad days. I’m barely getting started on this difficult journey so appreciate you sharing some positivity!


"Just because the past didn't turn out like you wanted it to, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you've ever imagined."
This is what I believe on the good days. :)
D-Day: February 11, 2014
Trying to R

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: CA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma,
thank you for posting. And thank you for coming back here 7 years after Dday to continue to post in a way that pays it forward.

We have had pieces of conversations like this. So, I think if we recover, we may be doing something right.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing this. I truly hope to get there someday.

You are an inspiration.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! That is such amazing news. To be able to have that conversation after all the pain, all of the work is so healthy and such a testimony to the effort you both put in healing. Thank you for sharing that. Amazing that it can actually be done.
also asked him how he ended it...or more so how he was able to. He said he told the OW he was going "home", that he needed to fix us and then the OW made it real easy...she flipped her lid. He said her true colors came out, it was obvious his well being wasn't important to her....and she was just looking for someone to use. He said he was ashamed he fell for her and there was a lacking in him that allowed him to believe it.

My husband did the same thing and relayed what happened in almost exactly the same way. HE actually said that after he told her that he owed it to me and to himself to try to figure things out and work on our marriage, her reaction was so all about her and so nasty towards him and so self centered; that she lashed out and said so many off things that he never looked back. He said too that he knew in those moments that I never would have treated him that way (such a mixed group of feelings when he shared that with me!)
So nice to hear that it really IS possible to get to a point where the pain is not so intense that it forms a black cloud over any conversation that can in any way relate whatsoever to the Affair...


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 654 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma, Man, I love your posts. Seriously. You are such a light. I wonder if you will ever fully be aware of the difference you make by sharing here and helping others. Often times we wait to tell people how much they mean to us until they are moving or switching jobs or for some other reason will no longer be in our lives, but I want to take the opportunity now to say what a gift I think you are. Thank You!!!


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I will come back and give more time to this later this afternoon. Typing on my phone is difficult.

Fixyou that has to be the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me, thank you.

Sisoon, I will answer your question as well. ....his wisdom really made my jaw drop.

♡♡


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful, Karma! As always.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post Karma. That's wonderful.

I'm also pleased I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

I'm impressed (you and) your husband could get to this point on your own. We needed SI. I don't think we would have progressed the same way or as far without it, and likely would have divorced.

Thanks for sharing.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this post karma. The progress we make after an A I think can be truly inspiring if given the chance. I am glad that the two of you are in such an awesome space


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. This gives me hope. :)


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this. Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I expect to be able to "talk it out" and have MrH participate in my healing- IE participate in R.

I may have little hope at this point but at least I see that I'm not off base in my expectations.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11233 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
klove02
♀ New Member
Member # 44047
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man I hope that is us someday. Thank you for sharing, it honestly made me cry to think of the possibility. I am very happy for you both.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Arizona
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you karma!! I know that all the hard work will and IS paying off!!
There are many very wise 'veterans' here who have helped more than they could possibly know!!! You are one of those!!!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 633 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks karma

We have glimmers of this, but I am not yet at a place where I can imagine speaking about it for any length of time with that kind of intensity.

I too am curious about your WS's wisdom and how he acquired it!


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 19

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