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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Family
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you you have successfully R'd, how does your family feel about your WS? My family was right there with me the night my H took 'the easy way' and chose not to fight for our M. They have held me while I cried and stood up or me to him and his family. They were not happy to here he wants to come home and work on our marriage. We are no where near R, but it made me wonder, has your family gotten past it? Do they support you, if not your choice? Or are your lives separate when it comes to family?


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the first year the only family who knew was my sister. She was great at first, then I don't think she knew how to deal with it and we couldn't really talk about it.

Then DDay 2 happened. I planned on a divorce. I told both families. H is an only child so there were just his parents. EVERYONE stood beside me, even his parents. How lonely that must have been for H.

They have all been accepting and supportive of my choice to R. I'm very thankful for the families I have.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 693 | Registered: Jun 2012
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have very little family. My Sister knows and she has supported me the whole way. She went through the same thing and her now x-husband did not to go therapy. She admired my WS for wanting to fix things and work on himself. My Dad passed away 20 years ago and my Mom is in a nursing home with dementia, so she would not understand. My WS family does not know, which are his parents. He was extremely embarrassed and he is not that close to his family. They are basically a non-communicative family, which I believe lead him to his path to the affair. My support system has been my VERY close friends.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they support you, if not your choice?

they all support US! they've known him since he was 23 - 30 years almost! None of his family knows though.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5538 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His family is the only family we have close and ours is a tumultuous relationship that I have worked at maintaining for my husbands sake. They do not know.

My mother was here visiting when I found out. She acts like she is fine and everything is normal, but he is not the amazing son in law he was once.
My father passed away years before this happened. He was very important to my hubby and I know mentioning my dad brings back the shame and remorse for my FWS.

My sister has her own problems so we just talk about superficial shit and pretend we are the girls we used to be. She is like my mom and pretending like everything is "normal"

My brother and husband always had a strained relationship and this obviously made it worse- but no worries because my brother lives 3000 miles away and we rarely talk.

So really- our "family" is fine with it because the only people that know are so far away it doesn't matter and his family have always been a pain in my ass.
Yay me


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My situation is a bit different as I do not have any family of my own except for WH and our kids. All of my family are deceased (part of my FOO issues). However, WH's parents and brother know and they are very supportive and do not want to see us separate. WH lived with his parents for the 2 weeks we were separated and they helped him greatly. He had a bit of a mental breakdown and they even called a mobile therapist to come to their house to help him.

But as you can see FOO issues are part of WH's problem too as his father also had A's and sought out prostitutes and movie houses (back in the day) so this has been kind of "taught" to WH in a way. He is dealing with that and other things in IC at this point. He is learning a lot about himself as am I.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EVERYONE knows. With the exception of my Mother in law whom we longer have contact with post DDay, all have been extremely supportive. Though my father is always willing to offer a hug these days, has remained quiet. My mother asks weekly how we are both doing and is supportive of anything we do to foster connection (watching kids so we can go away for a couple of days, etc). My sister has said that she is very happy to see how hard we have worked and that she can see a real difference, that we seem happy and more like a team....

Have they gotten past it? I can't imagine that they have. How could they when I haven't yet?? Still, if they really have not gotten past it, they have not shared any of those feeling with me....


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 745 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We gave been together for 18 years and my family hates him! They were never crazy about him to begin with, but my mother had just started to trust him in the recent years. But she always knew he would hurt me. She just didn't know how badly. He feels they will come around but they, like I, will not forget the choice he made on DDay. My father passed away in the middle of my H's affair,which is another issue for everyone. He was there for me when my dad died, but I, and my family feel he used my preoccupation to his advantage. I fear that, should we reconcile, I will have 2 separate lives, one with him and one with my family.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We gave been together for 18 years and my family hates him! They were never crazy about him to begin with, but my mother had just started to trust him in the recent years. But she always knew he would hurt me. She just didn't know how badly. He feels they will come around but they, like I, will not forget the choice he made on DDay. My father passed away in the middle of my H's affair,which is another issue for everyone. He was there for me when my dad died, but I, and my family feel he used my preoccupation to his advantage. I fear that, should we reconcile, I will have 2 separate lives, one with him and one with my family.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry! Don't know why that posted twice!!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's awesome that you have family support and some shoulders to lean on. Our families don't know a thing and never will. We are extremely close to our families, but that's just it--I could never live with the thought that they would be devastated if they knew what he did--it would have killed my dad he loves my husband so much. Protecting their hearts became more important to me than even my own heart. I will be honest and say that it's a been a hard road with no family support the last 5.5 years but it was the right decision for us.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2011
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My grandmother and sister found out only because I was in the middle of a meltdown. I wouldn't have told them otherwise. My sister is only 17 but she seems pretty optimistic about us. She see WS as her brother and just says we were meant to be and that I should forgive him ( she is very involved with the church and beleives we should work on our relationship) my grandmother on the other hand told me to "just get over it" " it's been years" and she even had the nerve to tell WS "wtf is wrong with you? Why would you tell her this, you should of kept it to yourself" I was so upset with her I didn't talk to her for weeks. My whole family loves WS, he has not only been there with me but he has always been around for my family. When my grandmother was in the hospital he would bring her food and magazines and anything she asked for daily.
I don't think the rest of my family knows, but if they do, the sure don't care and treat him just the same.
In some ways I'm glad but sometimes I'm just like wtf? What about me?


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Hopefuldad468
♂ Member
Member # 44143
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be surprised who knows what.....

I had thought nobody on WW side knew....but apparently they did for some time and did not know what to do and were living with guilt and trying to get her to stop.....apparently not hard enough. When something really bad happened between WW and OM they stopped speaking (as far as WW family know and they thought it was all over). For them it was as WW never spoke of it again to them.....but stared back with OM some months latr.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 4:40 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest USA
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My family is supportive of mine and wh's attempt to r.

His family has basically disowned myself and our children since dday 1.

Since we separated within a month of dday 1 for over a year, I assume they thought we were done, so did not need to bother with me anymore.

They didnt even send a Christmas card that year.

I will no longer have anything to do with them, so wh has in a sense, lost his extended family due to his infidelity.

Has anyone else experienced this with in-laws?

Talk about complete rejection,,,,,,,,,,


Posts: 689 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my sisters knows and fwh's brother and his wife know. Fwh's brother had a ONS long ago in their marriage too.
My sister seems supportive, my brother in law and his wife are neutral and none of the rest of the siblings know.
Personally, I would not care what any of them think. This is my life and my marriage not theirs.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Cantthinkofaname
♀ New Member
Member # 42809
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad is the only person from my family who has been supportive of our R and I am unbelievably grateful to him for it. My mom refuses to talk to WH and my brother ignores the whole thing.

We don't speak to WH parents and sister at all now. They dropped me like a stone after dday and didn't bother to contact our DS on his birthday (he turned 5, two days after dday). I guess they thought we were done and they didn't need to bother with me anymore. His mom ranted down the phone to me that I should be "over it" after a fortnight. We have had no contact with them for 5 months now.

We've basically lost everyone except my dad. My mom wants me to visit her without WH now. It's so tough, I can see where she's coming from but I just wish she could put my feeling above her own just this once.

We basically have no "extended family" now.


Me - BW,33.
Him - WH, 33
Married 10 years
DS,5
He cheated twice, randoms from internet sites.
DDay - 20/2/14
Trying to R, no idea what will happen.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one knew when it was going on. When I found out, I blew it up to everybody.
WH's parents sounded supportive of me at the time, but now refuse to acknowledge that anything happened. When I was hospitalized for PTSD and depression a month after DDay, they called and wanted us to pay to come visit them xcountry. Um, it's sorta a bad time?!? And now when they call and say "how are you" I start to answer honestly and they just cut me off. Literally, mid-sentence, interrupted to tell me that other people were around and they didn't want to hear it. Ugh. Fuckers.
My mom is supportive. Whatever I want to do. She is actually still surprisingly nice to WH. He made amends to her (AA step) last weekend.
My dad is not friendly. Well, to anyone really. Especially to H. He plans to make amends to him this weekend. We'll see how that goes.
He has apologized to my brother. Bro says it's my call.
My family was wonderfully there for me. They all see that WH was not "in his right mind". But ultimately they just want me to be happy.
Oh, as for his parents, they called both his brothers immediately and told them. God they love to gossip while maintaining to be such Christians. One family has reached out to me to say "hope things are well". Um, not quite! The other family the wife has reached out to me and been great, haven't heard from the brother, but WH talks to him.
So really, a mixed bag.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 343 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Topic Posts: 17

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