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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not my circus - Part 2
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh for fuck's sake!

Just received a message from 11, wanting to argue music with me. Normally, I would love to hear from him (and to argue music), but it's MIDNIGHT, and this is the second night in a row that this has happened!

Me: Shouldn't you be sleeping?

11: Mom said I can stay up and draw if I'm not asleep by 12.

Me: I love messaging with you, but I'm not going to do it when you should be sleeping. Whether you're actually trying to sleep or not is between you and your mom, I guess. I love you. Good night.


I understand that he has trouble sleeping some nights because of his ADHD and meds. I had/have that same trouble sometimes. My parents used to give me shit if I wasn't asleep, so I try my best to be supportive, BUT I have always had a strict rule with him that even if he can't sleep, he has to be lying in his bed, in the dark - and he's not allowed to use anything with a screen after a half-hour before bedtime. That way, when the sleep comes, he's ready to receive it, instead of fighting it off with external stimuli.

Then I just couldn't bear it anymore. I had to send a text to The Princess: "This is the second night in a row that 11 has been messaging me at midnight. He tells me that you're okay with him being up and active if he can't sleep."

I don't expect I'll receive any response from her. She doesn't take criticism well. But seriously, what'n fuck is so difficult about this?

<rant>She's fucking miserable, fucking stupid, fucking arrogant, and fucking irresponsible. And a fucking liar, and a fucking slut, and a fucking ridiculous mother. Give me time. I'll think of more.</rant>


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, stoopid (with two o's for extra stupidity) is what they be. And I am going to give advice and then try to take it myself...try to get some sleep. There is nothing we can do right now for the kids, and we are getting ourselves sick instead of resting.

Fucking stoopid. Yup.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! She responded.

"Not exactly true. Just tucked him in again. Will discuss it with him again in the a.m."

I'm not even fucking responding to that shit. It'll just piss me off more (I know I hide it well, but I really am pissed off). This will somehow come back to being a combination of 11's and my fault.

Fucking fucking fucking miserable irresponsible fucking twat!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right, kg. I need to try to sleep off the hatred. Thanks.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Pass, but I started laughing out loud at the end of your rant. My EX has bullied and terrified to the point that he produced an email in court that I wrote three years ago after learning about his double S&M/anonymous-violent and dangerous-sex-with-strangers life with OW.

In the email, apparently I wrote the word "whore" twice.

So it comes up in court. And I feel like a criminal. And it's the only bad thing about me in my 53-page divorce decree. That I might be "impulsive" because I used the word "whore!!!!" About a woman who has had sex with probably more than 1,000 men, women, and groups of strangers! (And 1,000 is probably too small a number.)

So God Love Ya, Pass, Rant On!

And yes, that is absolutely pathetic that your EX can't perhaps sit down with your DS and calm him, and turn off electronics, and get him to sleep before midnight. Good parenting takes a little effort.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is a child herself (your X).

You know how there's marriage prep courses in some religions?

The world needs fucktard prep courses, to weed these people out of reproducing in the general population.

Sorry for her lunacy, pass.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2005
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to send a text to The Princess: "This is the second night in a row that 11 has been messaging me at midnight. He tells me that you're okay with him being up and active if he can't sleep."

"Not exactly true. Just tucked him in again. Will discuss it with him again in the a.m."

You know that her *discussion* with DS will most likely be "don't text your dad", right?

Pass, a couple of months ago, my son *graduated* from the 8th grade () and there was a dance he attended that happened on his dad's night. I sent him a text around 10ish asking if he had a good time. Anyway...we *talked* for a bit and then I told him to go to bed. He told me that *I* couldn't tell him to go to bed because it wasn't *my* night (he said it in a joking-type way).....but what he said was true. I have *zero* control over what happens on *Monster's* time.

So long as your exchange with your DS is what you posted it as....you did great. *Dad says <bitofchitchat> (then) I love you, but GO TO BED!!" <end of message>.

Let go of the reins a bit, Pass.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope, if my rant can bring joy to one other betrayed on here, then this whole divorce and upheaval of my life will be worth it.

Thanks, Mel. Definitely not the first time someone has told me that I'm dealing with a woman who's never made it past a maturity age of 15.

So long as your exchange with your DS is what you posted it as....you did great.

Thanks, Gonna. So you're saying I SHOULDN'T have messaged my rant to 11? It really is such a fine line, isn't it?

I really have loosened the reins a lot, and have come to grips with the fact that she'll just do whatever she wants for most things. This is bugging the shit out of me though. Sleep is a health thing, and is a huge issue for 11.

I've told her what needs to be done, and - more importantly - 11's pediatrician has told her the same stuff. She says she'll do it, but then does nothing. It's just too much effort for her. Then she likes to lecture me about what I should be doing when the boys are with me. It drives me crazy.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the below is given with the disclaimer that I completely do NOT have ANY of this stuff figured out.....

Thanks, Gonna. So you're saying I SHOULDN'T have messaged my rant to 11? It really is such a fine line, isn't it?

By rant, do you mean this part?......
I love messaging with you, but I'm not going to do it when you should be sleeping. Whether you're actually trying to sleep or not is between you and your mom, I guess. I love you. Good night.

....because that doesn't seem like much of a rant directed towards your son. This is the part that I gave you the *thumbs up* on (love you, love talking to you, you should be sleeping now, but it's not *my* time to control)

I really have loosened the reins a lot

Agreed. You have.


Her time is her time. Your time is your time.
Live that and own it.
Last weekend was Monster's. He took the kids out of town to his mom's. He kept them *busy* the whole time and up later than their normal bedtimes, so when they came home last night....they just wanted to *chill* -- and then my youngest was so tired that he didn't want to go to 'lifting-for-football' this morning because he was so tired that he just didn't want to get out of bed. AND Monster let my 2 youngest spend the night with his mom for one of the nights -- which is a violation of our ROFR clause.

But seriously. W.T.F.ever.

For your own sanity, choose your battles and *panties in a bunch* issues wisely.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For your own sanity, choose your battles and *panties in a bunch* issues wisely.

I could post rants almost daily. They used to grind my gears big time but it's something I can't enforce and getting into it with him just fuels the dung beetle fire I finally snuffed out. carers

There is no cop-arenting with these lower muppets, only parallel parenting. You'll drive yourself nuts trying. 11 is of an age where he should start being responsible for himself and know to start winding down by Xpm. Would you consider trying herbal sleep remedies? There are also exercises he could do.

I was left to my own devices from around 12 and I stayed up watching TV. I had insomnia for years afterwards and I still struggle with it now. It is something I have to be proactive about and it's easy to get lazy. Until it impacts other areas of your life.

Does he have full internet access on that device? No way would I be allowing my girls to go to bed with internet connected devices. Our after school care had an issue where a playing device also happened to have internet access. Some kids saw porn. There's also the issue that if a kid is caught sharing explicit pics they are subject to prosecution as sex offenders and be on the Sex Offender Register for life.

Talk to me when I have teenagers but right now this is a huge NO for me.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By rant, do you mean this part?......

Nope, I meant me f-word filled rant about The Princess, which I would never say in front of my kids. Poor attempt at a joke.

It really sucks to watch poor parenting of my own kids, and to be able to do nothing about it. I don't think of myself as a control freak, but I guess I am when compared to the woman who exercises absolutely zero control.

11 is of an age where he should start being responsible for himself and know to start winding down by Xpm. Would you consider trying herbal sleep remedies? There are also exercises he could do.

I agree, but as a kid with ADHD, impulse control and self-regulation are difficult for him (I know because I still have those issues at 44). At a bare minimum he needs guidance to get him started on the road to self-regulation, but he doesn't get any from his mom. It's like he's being raised by wolves when he's with her.

We both use melatonin with him, and I have another whole bag of tricks that I use here, that seems to work quite well. His mom just wants to take the path of least resistance, while pretending to everyone else that she is SuperMom.

Does he have full internet access on that device? No way would I be allowing my girls to go to bed with internet connected devices.

Yes he does. The whole world is at his fingertips when he should be trying to sleep. A few weeks ago, The Princess made a big deal about how she was creating a "charging station" out in the hall for all their devices, so there would be no surfing at night. She put on her "I'm a tough parent" bulldog face as she was telling me about how it would be enforced.

Two nights: That's how long it lasted. It's become a huge joke between my boys about how she doesn't stick to anything.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a different note.

Two of my kids are ADHD and I understand the medication issues. DS12 took an evening supplement for a while to help with his sleep issues. There are also different lengths of extended release ritalin. I worked with his doctor to find the right combination of medications for DS12.

Also, did you know that if the dose is too low it just makes them more hyper? This happened to DS12 also. Since your DS is 11, you know that they are growing leaps and bounds at this age. Maybe he needs a meds adjustment?

Anyway, the point is that the Princess seems to have the attitude of "There's nothing I can do about it. DS11 just has to deal with it." Which pisses me off on your kid's behalf because my attitude has and always will be, "What can I do to help my child be happy?"


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1861 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass,

Gently....pick your battles, dude, and the subjects on which you are going to allow the Princess to get you riled up like that.

11 has many, many more years of ADHD, meds and all the things that come with that. Are you going to flip out every time the Princess doesn't have him in bed by midnight?

To be fair, those of us that have kids with ADHD and do the med thing, we all know that there are times that no matter what we do, that kid isn't going to sleep. There are probably going to be times that 11 is with YOU, and awake at midnight for whatever reason, you know?

I get that it's just one more thing on the long list of offenses that you're keeping for the Princess...I think we all do that....but try to reserve the major flip outs for things that put 11 in harm's way, or will seriously be detrimental in some way.

Keep in mind too that 11 is probably frustrated about being unable to sleep too, and may have just been reaching out and looking for something to do/someone to chat with. (Not conducive to sleep, I know....)

Breathe. It's ok.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. The rage has worn away a little by the light of the day.

Anyway, the point is that the Princess seems to have the attitude of "There's nothing I can do about it. DS11 just has to deal with it." Which pisses me off on your kid's behalf because my attitude has and always will be, "What can I do to help my child be happy?"

Yep, that's the thing that bugs me. She loves to tell people, "I'd step in front of a bus for my kids". I guess the conditions on that are that the bus would have to be within five feet of her front door, and it couldn't be moving at the time.

Keep in mind too that 11 is probably frustrated about being unable to sleep too, and may have just been reaching out and looking for something to do/someone to chat with. (Not conducive to sleep, I know....)

Agreed. Since I have had similar issues all my life, and my parents used to regularly give me shit for not sleeping (which was a HUGE help, of course <sarcasm>, I try to be very understanding about it and make sure that I don't add to the misery. However, I also make sure that I don't add to the distractions that are going to prolong his lack of sleep. I always make sure to tell him that he's never in trouble for being awake - he just needs to try to sleep is all.

DS12 took an evening supplement for a while to help with his sleep issues. There are also different lengths of extended release ritalin. I worked with his doctor to find the right combination of medications

11 is taking an evening supplement now as well, and his doctor has told us basically how much melatonin he can take without harm (and it's a lot). But more important is just good sleep hygiene, lack of distractions, and lots of exercise. He does have the odd sleepless night here as well. If he's not asleep by 10pm, I give him some more melatonin, and take him out for a couple walks around the block. Seems to be the silver bullet.

I share all these things with The Princess, she looks all serious and concerned while nodding her head in agreement, and then she proceeds to do nothing about it.

Sometimes I get really pissed off at myself for making such a shitty choice of who to have kids with.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass - prior to the A, when all was well, did you think the Princess was a good mom?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Williesmom
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Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, gently here.

Stop sharing anything with the Princess. Don't be texting her anything about the boys. It makes you look like a bit of a control freak.

It's her house, her rules, her decisions. Crazy though they may be.

It's part of the process of letting go of the outcome of the entire mess. And also amplifies how much all of this shit impacts the kids.

Worry about only the things that you can control.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass - prior to the A, when all was well, did you think the Princess was a good mom?

Well, I thought she was a lot of good things that she wasn't really. She used to dictate rules for the kids, and then get me to enforce them. It's easy to be a good mom under those conditions.

And with what I know and suspect now, I'm not sure there was ever such thing as "prior to the affair". Prior to DDay, she had me fooled.

Since I moved out, she has proven herself to be quite lousy at parenting. To be fair, she's quite good at keeping up with the administrative stuff like doctor appointments and extra-curriculars.

But she is totally shit at co-existing with my kids in a parental way. There is no togetherness, there is no tenderness, there is no applying of any rules, there is no conversation. She really is shit.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worry about only the things that you can control

I understand what you're saying, Willies, and I know it's right. I just hate to see my boys being mistreated and mismanaged.

I know this all makes me sound like a control freak, but I'm really not. The boys and I have very loose time together. I make sure that there is a balance of free time and planned together time, and I make sure they get in on the planning where appropriate.

I know I have no control over this, so I really do need to stop going off about it. It's hard.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But she is totally shit at co-existing with my kids in a parental way.

Interesting.

I'm finding that I *enabled* my WH to be a good parent. Not that he isn't capable of doing it, but he's gone too much and too disconnected from what is going on in their lives to BE that good parent without me there filling in the gaps for him.

It's going to be a challenge for him, I think, to learn to seek out the kids and ask about what is going on in their lives. He is used to me just filling him in...it worked very well for us and really did allow him to be present and on top of things when he WAS here, pre-affair.

I'm hoping he steps up and learns the new dynamic. Maybe the Princess will recognize that she needs to develop some new parenting skills and will meet the mark over time. You know?

We can always hope.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hoping he steps up and learns the new dynamic. Maybe the Princess will recognize that she needs to develop some new parenting skills and will meet the mark over time. You know?
We can always hope.

That would really be nice. It would make things so much better and more stable for the kids. I'm afraid I'm running out of hope when it comes to her though. All I'm mostly hoping for now is minimal damage to my kids.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 26
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