"This is the second night in a row that 11 has been messaging me at midnight. He tells me that you're okay with him being up and active if he can't sleep."
This made me cringe. As you noted, it was intended as criticism and was surely received as such. Not that criticizing a lower muppet offends me AT ALL, but let's think through the consequences.
1. Princess feels angry, attacked, put out by the criticism. She turns to the nearest target.... which is DS.
2. She confronts DS and in the process DS sees that you "ratted him out to his mom." (I made this error. I tried to suggest some better parenting to Stretch based on a conversation I had with DS. My DS lost trust and I spent over a year promising not to tell daddy damn near everything he told me. DS would start so many sentences with "Do you promise not to tell if I tell you .... " I also suspect he chose not to tell me some things because he just wasn't sure he could trust me.)
3. Princess attacks you and the cycle perpetuates and the NC bliss slips farther away...
4. Princess responds in what looks like a reasonable/rational way and OH HELL NO she didn't just pretend to be something she isn't and again, you are riled and frustrated with no outlet or expectation of improvement.
I think your message to DS was perfect. It stated your expectation for his behavior, an unwillingness to help him make poor choices, and it ended with love.
[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 1:01 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
I think my brain is still stuck in the "parenting team" mode, even though she has made it pretty clear that we're not.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
X loves to tell the kids how watching TV rots your brain and he sees how they get "mesmerized" by the TV and it's not good.
He is actively assuming that I let them watch TV too much when he is not around to see how much they actually watch. If he is saying they should watch no TV at all, that ain't gonna happen at my house. He got on this no TV kick because OW does not let her son watch TV.
After many confrontations about this I just keep my mouth shut and do what I want anyway. I hope this is not paralleling Princess' attitude but I know that I can't control what happens when they are with him and he can't control what happens in my house now.
Letting go of control is really, really hard.
I love that 11 thought to send a text to you late at night. That shows that he is thinking of you and your response was heartwarming to me and clearly shows the love you have for your son.
I have to believe they will be ok since I am hoping for the same for my twins.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 10:59 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
I think you handled DS great. He needs to start working whatever program works for him. I get that it's tough for him. He'll get there- with time. Kids don't see the bigger picture at that age.
My experience is the same as caregiver's. It took awhile for me to not tell him anything to do with my kids, because the kid would get the full force of their anger at me. It sucked.
It's a process.
It really messed with DD11, who is somewhat ADHD and that's how my parenting is.
Just my two cents.
There was a topic earlier we all talked about and I'm very tired so may have more trouble wording it, but wanted to comment about "entitlement" of an x that I am discovering.
Princess Mum sounds soooo much like Perv and has done many same things, including thwart my attempts to secure routines. He doesn't think we need them.
So two things come to mind right now with this thread. One is the entitlement issue and I know one reason Perv decided he couldn't live with me is because he is intolerant of my parenting and actually called me names. And when we had this exact issue, he turns off his phone if I contact him and am angry. So I'm surprised she wrote back and "dealt with the drama" that she might've perceived the situation as.
So there's the two things, her way of "parenting" and her mind set sounds like his where he thinks all I do is wrong and over the top, but it's actually him and his lack of parenting. And she still sounds like she's entitled to parent in her own way and you in yours and she doesn't have to do anything you wish, even though it's about the kids.
Do you think she could think she was doing what you want if she did your parent patterns? It's what he would think.
Sorry for long note and if ideas are off base.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I received a text from her saying that she had started the device docking station out in the hall again, and hoped that would help. While 14 and I were getting groceries tonight, I told him that I hoped it wasn't a pain for him to listen to music at bedtime now that the docking station was in effect again.
Can you guess his response? "What are you talking about? Mom hasn't done the docking station thing in weeks."
I said, "Oh, my mistake. I thought she had started again."
Why, oh why, does it surprise me to find out (yet again) that she is a lying harpy?