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New Beginnings     Print Topic    
User Topic: Family micromanagement of us
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Flame  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 6 years since DD that led to divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure, unintended move to a different state where I know virtually no one except family. My mother died and I lost 3 of my best friends- my family of Lhasa Apsos. I have been through hell and back and am still hovering over the open pit of life.

The biggest Achilles Heel of my life is finding a career I can earn a living at. I am 47 now. When I was 17, I was told by my "loving" family that all of my creative outlets that God gave me were an abject WASTE of time and that I needed to find a suitable career that was "approved" by them - a family of generations who believe that that the steel mills of Chicagoland are the ONLY jobs with success and that everything else is a waste.

I was young and impressionable-----and STUPID. I caved and got spent 4 grueling years getting an Accounting degree to the JOY of my family. ONE FUCKING MONTH after I graduated with said shiny degree, I couldn't find work. SO what does my family do? They advise me to take the first job I can land: a CAR DEALER saleswoman position!!! I am 23. A catholic girl. Squeeky clean who wore skirts BELOW the knee.....and THIS is what my family told me to do...as a good little girl I followed!

Four months of hell where I earned very little money because I wasn't outgoing or dishonest enough. I learned at 23 how to use the "F" word in every form in a sentence.

After wasting those months to no avail. I quit. I was THEN unemployed for 10months until a nice rosy entry-level accounting postion came up. From 1991-2004, I paid homage to my degree by working those "real" jobs for which I hated with a passion. I was eventually fired from the last one I was for 7 years because of burnout and job absorbtion on the companies part. When I left with my box of things, I wasn't sad. I was HAPPY. I told myself I would NEVER, EVER, get a desk job again for it is NOT who I am.

From 2004 till today and through my divorce and living hell, I have been living frugally making small money but doing what I do best: creativity.
I had a small handmade craft jewelery business, I am a professional photographer and a freelance journalist. In between, I have supplemented those with Ebay and partime work.

This is NOT good enough for my family. Since I lost the house bought with my EX H's money when we were married, I had to come back and am living with my dad for now. EVERYTHING ABOUT me stacks up to LOSER to my family.

My sister is the spearhead now of the incessant micromanagement of what I should be doing in my life now. She sits and reads job opportunities I am NOT qualified to do or simply CAN'T and gets my dad to harass the snot out of me to apply for.

I am at wits end with these people but am a rock in a hard place. I DID NOT come THIS far POST DIVORCE just so my family (the same ones who brilliantly told me to become a carsaleswoman fresh out of college)can dictate AGAIN the direction of my life!!

Since I have moved back to Indiana, my real friends are back in Illinois miles away. I feel trapped and panicky. I stopped talking to my sister so she has my brother-in-law seeking to "have this conversation" with me!!!

HOW do you get these people you had no control in getting in your life to acknowledge who you are and who you are not and to LEAVE YOU ALONE to pursue what God has told YOU for your life....NOT THEM.

I totally appear to be a person chasing after smoke and mirrors -aka creativity careers- but there are SO many people still making a living at these...successfully! My stupid sister who has never known depression or infidelity thought my life should have been back on track after 6 months post Dday! After 5 and a half years, she is simply APPALLED I haven't turned my life around 360degrees 9 times!

HOW do I get this WITCH OFF MY BACK along with all the family she instigates so I can figure my OWN life out at my OWN pace????

I want SO desperately to win enough money to relocate 3000 miles away from her

Sorry this was lengthy. This is the most sensitive subject of my life.

[This message edited by Guinness23 at 9:10 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been there to some extent. My family has never agreed with the major decisions I've made in my life until after it is successful.

They try and steer me in the direction that they want me to go in. I simply don't listen to them.

One of the things I've learned here on SI is that you can't control other people. You can't control what they say or do. You can only control you.

You control how you react to what they say. You control how much of what they say that you allow to enter your mind and roll around in there. You are allowed to say no to your family. It's okay. Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to do everything that they think is best for you.

You are allowed to have boundaries with your family and enforce them. You can listen to advice from your family, and then go and make your own decision. It's your life and ultimately you must live with the consequences not your family.

Just my 6 cents.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3042 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Myname:

You are allowed to have boundaries with your family and enforce them.

But I would go even further. I would put a huge, super fine-screened filter up between my family and me that would put limits - like SERIOUS limits - on what I would listen to. Nobody has a right to call me up and tell me what to do, how to think, where to work, etc.

Personally if my family treated me like that I would stop answering their calls. They would all go straight to voice mail. Shutthefuckupalready. I'd call them back ONCE A WEEK at most. I'd tell brother in law that you simply are not going to dicsuss your career, not with him, not with your sister, not with any other family member. If he wants to have any kind of relationship with you then stop asking, stop trying to intervene, and mindyerownfuckingbusiness.

I'd make filters for email and have every family member's message go into a box named "bullshitbabel" and marked READ. Make that shit disappear.

Boundaries. You need rock walls, not an open door. Your life is YOURS. Keep her OUT. Pull up the welcome mat.

Take your power back. Take your peace back. Stop allowing your hard earned new beginning to be tarnished by her butting into your life.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand you have had a very difficult time, so please don't take this as a judgement.

I am going to say that if you can not support yourself at your age without living with family, you are setting yourself up to hear about it.

Ultimately, it is up to your Dad whether you live with him or not. But, I would be not amused if one of my grown siblings was living with my Dad and not contributing or making an active plan to get out. Your sister also lost her mother.

She may be a big pain, but from what you write, you are giving her ammunition because you are not taking control, getting a job that would pay your living expenses (like an apartment) .

If you were self sufficient, I don't think it would bother you so much that they were trying to tell you what to do. Or at least then you could say, "Not your circus as you are not paying for the monkeys".

And as an aside, I am very creative, etc. I work a job everyday and iuse what free time I have for those endeavors. Would I love to have that reversed? Sure. But I also take great pride In sUpporting myself at a certain level. For me, that is more important. But then, my parents were very clear that once you move out, you are out and if you ever move back in, it came with a time limit and a plan.

What happens if something happens to your Dad? Do you get the house? If not, you need a plan now because you will be moving at some point.

Hugs


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adding, what is your pace? What do you think is a reasonable time frame to being self sufficient?

Eta: Living with family when it works can be great for everyone. When it does not work, then my personal opinion (and you know what they say about opinions) would be 6 months to a year, 18 months max.

[This message edited by Pentup at 4:43 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've worked for many, many years at jobs that have ranged from liking very much to hating abysmally, but they've kept me afloat. I find my passion elsewhere, and it works for me.

I too listened to family and did not 'follow my bliss' to become a veterinarian, but who knows if I would have been successful? I'm a business generalist, and I've never gone more than two months without a job. I've worked in fields from insurance to government to nonprofit to ecotourism. A long list.

I too moved in with my mom after I left the X. It wasn't what I was expecting. She was more difficult than I thought and really didn't want my help. I found a part time job immediately (selling shoes in JC Penney's) and my full time position with the consulate of Canada within a month. I moved into my own place (rented a 3-bedroom house) within a year. I've moved twice since then.

I'm 60 years old. I had never lived on my own prior to the D. Of course I was fearful, but I plunged forward.

You can do this. You really can. Make a plan and get moving.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 2:42 PM, July 29th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20229 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to remember how to use the "F" word when talking to your sister.

😊 JMHO.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been where you are. This is honest:

1. Focus on you and a plan. The more you focus on them the more you lose your personal power.
2. Get a job - any job until you can find the job you want
3. Insight I learned far too late: they care so they speak up. Eventually they may not be there or care enough. Get a plan and walk and focus and when things turn around they will be silent if not celebrating with you. If not you always have us here.

At some point we all are accountable for ourselves- learning that now as I type this. It is tough but it can be tougher when you need to be there for loved ones or friends. Do what is best for you and plan. The other stuff will just be noise.


Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2012
travels
♀ Member
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. My oldest sister is very manipulative to the point of being controlling. I'm sure she has some type of personality disorder, but haven't tried to figure out which one. One of my regrets in life is allowing her to make me feel like I am less than I am. My only excuse is that she is 12 years older and between her and my mother, I didn't stand a chance.

Just within the last few years I finally realized most of the issues are hers and not mine. Someone here posted about toxic people which led me to research the phrase. My sister and mother had just about every characteristic.

My best advice, that someone else mentioned, is boundaries. I've cut my sister out of my life as much as possible. I avoid being around her as much as I can. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I text her on the rare occasion I need to communicate.

It does make me look like the "bad guy" to others. Yet, I am so much happier and at peace with her out of my life. The constant negativity is gone. I'm not depressed like I used to be. I no longer have to hear how I washed a dish incorrectly or be told how to do my job. I'm a teacher. She's tried to tell me what I need and don't need in my classroom.

I could go on and on with examples. Draw your line in the sand and set those boundaries.

Good luck!


When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3776 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A heartfelt THANK YOU, people...really!!!

Boundaries. You need rock walls, not an open door. Your life is YOURS. Keep her OUT. Pull up the welcome mat

Absolutely!!!!

My father keeps asking me who will I turn to after he is gone and that based on that I NEED to keep my sister in my life. I told him ANYONE at Walmart I have met for 5 minutes are more caring than my "blood" sister.

Thank you all, except Pentup. Thank you for understanding where I am at and how horrible it is for someone to expect to take control of your life just because THEY think its been too long.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice? Stop blaming other people. No one forced you to take this job or that. They may have recommended but you had a choice.

Just like you have a choice now. If you don't want to hear from your sister or dad about jobs then move out and get your own place. But if he is helping put a roof over your head, even as an adult, he has a say.

Also a lot of people work jobs they hate because they have to pay bills. Both of my parents are dead so I don't have the choice of moving in with them because I want to be creative and not dislike a job. Be thankful for what you have.


Posts: 505 | Registered: Aug 2009
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, except Pentup
.
The beauty of this site is take what you want and leave the rest.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, except Pentup.

You didn't need to say that, unnecessary IMO, but now that you have, what part of her advice did you not want to hear?

You all could use some counselling to find your way out of the unhealthy dynamic you're mired in.

Your dad is just being a parent, it's probably really stressing him out to see his kids at war like that, and having you steaming around his house can't be fun for him either.

I get that you're frustrated but it's down to you to do something about it.

Start drawing up a plan and a timeline for getting out of this situation and take the steps required to make it happen.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:39 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17413 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
LydiaE
♀ Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You should try to see things from your Dad's point of view.

He is getting older and deals with stressors you cannot understand until you are his age and in his shoes. His means, both financial and emotional, might be limited. Worrying about your well-being and whether or not you are taking advantage of him is very stressful. He might prefer living alone and would like you on your feet sooner than later. Guilt and resentment are probably things he feels towards you, but I am sure he loves you as well.

Without goals and plans we lose hope. Go to a temp agency. Work retail: it does not have to be a big box store. Take a civil service exam. Enroll in a technical program and take a p/t position at the college/university. Change your diet and give up any vices that might be keeping you depressed and powerless. Explore an area church or spiritual center. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Visit the elderly.

It's scary and hard, but you can do it. You don't want to be indebted to anyone and you don't want to have to deal with difficult family members. My mother died recently and my sister has attempted to form a wife-like relationship with my Dad. It is creepy and I want nothing to do with it. Get on your feet again and tailor these relationships so that they are comfortable and healthy to you.

And, (((hugs))).


Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, except Pentup
.
The beauty of this site is take what you want and leave the rest.

Yes, Pentup. That is true.

I do apologize for dissing your advice. You took time to post to help me and I am grateful for your time.

You didn't need to say that, unnecessary IMO, but now that you have, what part of her advice did you not want to hear?

This:

I am going to say that if you can not support yourself at your age without living with family, you are setting yourself up to hear about it.

Ultimately, it is up to your Dad whether you live with him or not. But, I would be not amused if one of my grown siblings was living with my Dad and not contributing or making an active plan to get out. Your sister also lost her mother.

She may be a big pain, but from what you write, you are giving her ammunition because you are not taking control, getting a job that would pay your living expenses (like an apartment) .

This problem of a career is the broken bone in my life that was never set properly and keeps giving me pain. THIS problem IS the zit on my nose everyone looks at and brilliantly tells me about as if I didn't know. I am WAY to touchy about it and Pentup reminded me of exactly what this thread is warding off: my sister.

My advice? Stop blaming other people. No one forced you to take this job or that. They may have recommended but you had a choice.
Just like you have a choice now. If you don't want to hear from your sister or dad about jobs then move out and get your own place. But if he is helping put a roof over your head, even as an adult, he has a say.

Blaming other people? Oh yeah. I can and I will....as WELL as myself. When I was 17, I did NOT have "balls" so to speak to challenge these people. I was good little girl and their advice ruined the direction of my life. So yes- I WILL blame them...but me, too, for being the good girl and following orders. Because they WERE orders. Just like now. At 47, these people are TELLING me and harassing me to short of driving me to the company of THEIR choice and/or filling out the online app FOR me. There is NO choice.....which is why my brother-in-law "wants to have this conversation."

I "get" that I appear to be unfocused. Why? Because I AM. But not with how deadbeats can be.

Here is why I say this:

At long last, I took the bull by the horns in 2007 in Illinois and sought the career I REALLY wanted: photography. In 2012, I added journalism. I self taught myself and I went about and pounded the pavement to make the opportunities materialize. I put in HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS etc honing my photo craft. I successfully worked weddings and every kind of photography except sports. Then I added freelance journalism and have become the "package" deal of both photography and journalism delivering spot on stuff.

In 2008, the marriage blew up and I hung on for dear life to my house in Illinois "hoping" to be able to get good enough fast so I could renegotiate the mortgage given the bad econonmy and take over the payment of my dream home in the town I lived and loved for 15 years.

The bank strung me along for 2 1/2 years with loan modification bullshit. I kept getting better and better in my craft despite my failed marriage and the stress of all that. I saw a glimmer of hope and THAT was the plan I sought. My exh played along with the modification bullshit to help me get back on my feet. September 2012, I found paperwork that showed the bank could NOT prove the trail of ownership...but as I was representing myself in court, the banks lawyers had the judge on their side and took my house anyway.

Now, after 2 1/2 years of dinking around with a loan mod, my credit score was SHOT. Not only that, but the Iphone became REALLY hot and murdered the photography business and EVERYTHING I worked for. I HAD to file for bankruptcy in 2013 and eventually got kicked out of my dream home.

Now - at 46 last year, with a trashed credit score and a failed career change that I WANTED to do, I was thrust in to moving away from ALL the people I know that could have helped me "network" my ass into a said "bread and butter" job that apparently I should be thankful for but cringe everyday to go to. Living in the new state now 10 months, I NOW am starting to bond with a number of people here. I DID get a part-time job at a store but it is not good enough for these people.

If you don't want to hear from your sister or dad about jobs then move out and get your own place.

Easier said then done. When you open a brand new puzzle box, doesn't it take longer to put it all together than if the box contained chunks already put together?

Some of you on this site were thrust into your personal hells but WITH one piece of your puzzle intact: a career path. When my world exploded, it wasn't the only bomb that went off. The bombs kept coming through these 6 years since.

I HATE being looked on as some loser seeking to retain freedom to be a "princess".
The truth is SO FAR from that!!!!!!

My pace people ask...and my witch of a sister keeps throwing at me has been due to so many setbacks and new disappointments. The thing that REALLY hurts and stings is that with you all, you are only hearing the story and facts now as I write it and seek help. My sister has KNOWN all these hurdles and STILL seeks to diss all of what I have been through and push me in a direction SHE wants.

I think you need to remember how to use the "F" word when talking to your sister

Trust me: I HAVE. She is completely aghast as to why!

THIS is SO TRUE and I am trying to do it:

My best advice, that someone else mentioned, is boundaries. I've cut my sister out of my life as much as possible. I avoid being around her as much as I can. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I text her on the rare occasion I need to communicate.

It does make me look like the "bad guy" to others. Yet, I am so much happier and at peace with her out of my life. The constant negativity is gone.

You should try to see things from your Dad's point of view.
He is getting older and deals with stressors you cannot understand until you are his age and in his shoes. His means, both financial and emotional, might be limited. Worrying about your well-being and whether or not you are taking advantage of him is very stressful.

Trust me: I HAVE

This pains me EVERY day. He just turned 82 yesterday and it is appalling to me that I find myself in this boat adding to any health issues and other things he has because my life isn't right yet. But then I also remember that it is THIS man who is the reason his daughter fucked up her career journey in the first place. It is THIS man who brilliantly instructed her to take the car saleswoman job because I was "living under his roof" back in 1990. I didn't fuck myself up and become a winey loser mooching off an old man without help and direction from my elders almost 25 years ago. I was HIS daughter and I did what I was told.

THIS is why now at 47, these people WILL NOT pick my career path NOW.

My new foundation needs to be solidly built to sustain me for the rest of my life.

Be thankful for what you have

The attitude of gratitude is something I keep making myself remember for all I have been through and the journey that I made up to this point. No matter what is wrong with my life, I DO know it could be SO MUCH WORSE.

In trying to dig myself out from the Grand Canyon sized hole my divorce thrust me into, I've made mistakes and done stupid things. But this journey has empowered me on the inside like nothing else could. Those 6 years everyone seems to think I have wasted stagnating in getting financially set have NOT been for I am very grateful that I have learned SO many things about myself and life along with mucho skills I never knew I could do.
I turned to Guinness to appease my problems and this is the latest triumph in a horrible journey that at the very least should have sent me to mental hospital. I drink Dasani water now. Guinness was a phase and this latest attack by my sister was proof that I DIDN'T turn to it!

I am sorry this is so long. I AM grateful for everyone who took time out to comment here.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I promise to not post to your threads anymore, but I have to say this.

I also don't believe the iPhone has ruined the photography business anymore than the Victrola ruined live bands.

Best of luck to you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to be a folksinger. Played in front of the liquor store to make my car payment. Starved a lot. Didn't have any money and came close to being homeless.

Met a boyfriend who had a graphics business.

Got a career as a typesetter that I loved.

Apple killed it.

I became a legal word processor.

Voice recognition software killed it.

I became a temp.

A shoulder injury killed it.

I went back to school to start a BA in history, which is what I love.

Nineteen years later I'm still working on it because I had to take a break to work in a law office to make a living.

Now I spend four days a week working at a college dealing with all kinds of things that are not creative in any way, shape or form.

That job pays my tuition, I should be done when I'm 62 years old and I plan to go to grad school so I can be a research historian when I 'retire'. I realize I'm going to have to work until I'm at least 70 or 75, so that's my reality.

Throughout every phase of my working life I've always played music and written songs.

Had people record some of them, and made a few bucks in royalties.

I realized very early on that I was never going to be Christina Aguilera.

That was reality.

I could sit here and lay blame in a lot of places for the fact that I'm not sitting in a fabulous house in Malibu collecting massive royalty checks and driving my Maserati.

Thing is, not everyone is blessed with being able to survive on their creativity. Not everyone gets to be Martha Stewart or Richard Branson.

Learning to balance the reality and the creativity is the key to surviving IMO.

You, dear Guinness, have some serious childhood traumas to work through. You are way too reactive to what other people think and you let them control you.

You've hopefully won the battle with alcohol. You've proven that you're a survivor.

You can win this other battle too. But you have to face reality at some point in order for that to happen.

Take on some freelance bookkeeping to get some cash flow and get busy putting a plan together to change your situation.

Otherwise things are going to go from bad to worse. That's reality.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17413 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that this was just an opportunity for you to vent. I get that, sometimes we all just need a chance to vent and scream about the injustices we've been dealt.

I understand life hasn't gone the way you wanted, but I don't think it has for any of us. Blaming your family for choices made 25 years ago isn't going to get you anywhere. The other possibility is that they could have said "Guinness, yes! Follow your artistic dreams. Don't bog yourself down with a "real" job". Then you may have ended up broke anyway and blamed them for not encouraging you to head in a more lucrative direction. While I feel for you, your story isn't unique here. Many of us are in the same boat.

When XH walked out on me, I had a 5 year old and an infant. I'd been a SAHM for six years. I was terrified. My career was long gone and getting my foot back in the door would have been really difficult. I gave a BA in Spanish/Latin American Studies. My mom let me get that degree, because it is what I enjoyed. Guess what, it's hard to find a job that pays the bills with it. I wish she would have pushed me towards something more lucrative. So, I'm back in school. In working towards an associate's in respiratory therapy. Is it my dream job? No. However, it will provide job security and allow me to support my two young children. That is life.

I get that you are creative and working in an office is horrible. However, your goal right now needs to be getting back on your feet. Your artistic abilities need to be an avocation until you can afford to try it again full time. Even if you have to wait tables or work retail to get out of your dad's house. The ticket to freedom from your family's advice is to get back out on your own. Then, they have no say in what you do.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 903 | Registered: Mar 2013
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I promise to not post to your threads anymore, but I have to say this.

Not necessary, Pentup, for a promise like that.

Everyones comments are appreciated. It is your opinions and I have mine as to how I got to this disastrous hurdle in my life. It bothers many of you that I "blame" people, but if I had been left alone to follow my heart back then, I would have made a different choice.

At 47, I have pieces and parts of all kinds of "transferable skills" and very little "network" to put all those ingredients to gether to get a job to pay bills. THIS is the foundation for my resentment. It is the foundation for my anger at my family to try to do it again. When I still lived in Illinois, I could shut them out. Now that I am here, its very difficult. Somedays, I am simply not strong enough to push back. I KNOW what needs to be done in my life to rebound but it is very hard to wade through the shit of what I do have to offer and the damn job process as we know it now to get that cushy job so I can get the fuck away from these people.



Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the biggest problem for creative types is half measures. I know people who absolutely thrive pursuing their passion with 110%, and many more (myself included) who dabble, and struggle, and canít let go of the safety net. For the time being, Iíve accepted my safety net. Iíd rather be mediocre and comfortable than risk it all. Maybe someday, when Iíve put in the time, I will have the luxury of pursuing creative endeavors without risking the comforts a more traditional path provides.

If I didnít appreciate my safety net? Iíd hit the ground running. Look into foreign service jobs, the Peace Corp, park service, tour guide, cruise lines, anything nontraditional that requires little overhead, little experience, and opportunity to explore. Iíd immerse myself in a culture that didnít require a mortgage, new car, and a fat retirement account, and all of the traditional trappings to be a success.

Find a way to accept your lot or do something bold.

You can fault anyone, or anything, you want for your situation, but at the end of the day, the only person you are accountable to is yourself.


Posts: 3399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Topic Posts: 74
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