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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Regret
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot stop thinking of the sweet woman I could have married instead of my WW, I know I am not alone wallowing in regret. How do you deal with it?


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 652 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
justastatistic
♂ New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, do I know where you are coming from. I dated for years a very sweet, wonderful woman who I dropped to be with my WW, and for years I have fantasized about going to find her and see if I could reclaim what I gave up.

But I don't. You know why? Because it isn't fair to the woman I let go. For whatever reason (and I don't completely remember why now) I let he go. She did nothing wrong, so she deserves someone who treated her better than I did.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was a woman that tried to date me for years through college she was a peach, the kind of woman everyone would say was "marriage material", but I went after the woman that was "dating material",....came back to bite me has hard as possible right in the ass.

Yes, she (the other lady), is married and happy, would NEVER interfer with that. NEVER.

I dont do hypocrisy.

No!


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 652 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just have to deal with it. Unless you can invent a time machine. Thinking about what ifs can really mess with your mind and hurt you moving forward with a positive attitude.


Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jun 2002
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't change the past and that realization alone can be crushing, but thinking about what could of have been is not doing you any favors.

You really don't know for sure what would have happened. Appearances can be deceiving. She could have been just as likely to cheat. You are latching on to the "idea," of her. The consequences from choices that were made in the past that can't be undone.

It goes without saying that your W has done the same thing. It can never be changed once it has been acted upon. You still have choices and any choice you make will have consequences. Some are good at first and some are bad at first and bad ones ultimately turn into good ones as your perspective changes. That is just life.

I had an XFiancee that cheated on me. So when I began to date again and met my current W. I valued fidelity. She was good, M material and to be honest was not as attractive as my previous fiancee.

In some deluded way I thought that made me safe. The trouble is we ca never control any one else's actions. Yes we can influence them, but control is not something we can exert over another.

Trying focus less of what you could have done different to make yourself happy and focus more on what you can do today.

I know living in now sounds cliched and I would caution you that we still learn important lessons from the past, but don't confuse what you can learn from the past with what you have the ability to change today.

I know this sucks, but I promise you that this thing does work. Think of bad/missed experiences as teachable moments not drift into a fantasy of what could have been. It just makes the pain worse and saps your will to live.

BTDT.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As Frankie said
"Regret I've had a few, but the again too few to mention"
Don't sweat it my man. Its very common for a BS to think in retrospect and wonder what they missed. What has happened is no reflection on you, its all on your WW because she was and is that good a liar and sneak. If you would have met my XWW you would swear that this woman was a saint and never cheat. If you met her after D-day you would have believed her stories of abuse and DV at my hands. She had many people believing her lies for a very long time. But time is their enemy, because in time people begin to see what a liar they are. Their true selves always have a way of floating to the surface sooner or later. Your just another one of many people she has fooled over the years. Be glad you were able to see the light while you still have some life in you. I know it does not seem like that now. But in time you will come to accept this and be glad you found out when you did. Best you can do is to start detaching ASAP. Good luck !!!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Nov 2007
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with numb. You don't know for sure what would of happened with this other women. I thought about this myself a week back. Bless you. Best thing to do now is look forward.


BW: (25) WH (29-RemorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born.
R... apparently
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account and other dating profiles he won't admit to. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014- admitted to ONS.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
Topic Posts: 7

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