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Newest Member: lovingmyson21 (45342)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
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am0930
♀ New Member
Member # 44292
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im not really sure how this works so bare with me.... I have been with my partner going on 4yrs. When we got together he took over the father role to my 1yr old at the time and has been her daddy ever since. We have an almost 3yr old and I am 4months pregnant. He started texting a co worker and I found out right away. That led to her telling him about a free texting app and when ia seen that he deleted it. Hes now getting a hold of her through email. Once in a while he goes out to the bar with co workers and she goes too. I don't have solid evidence that he has cheated physically but the way he texts her is not the way you text a normal friend. He is super jelous and doesn't like the fact that I have male friends. And thinks that even now that I am pregnant I would cheat on him. He also believes that I would cheat on him with my older daughters father if i were to let him come around her. He tells me I mean the world to him and still does everything a H should do. He did confess to me though that when he gets mad at me he does think of cheating on me with her or other women just to get back at me, and that he contacts her through msgs or hangs out with her because it would piss me off. I also read a msg where he told her he missed her and it was after a fight we had.This girl knows about me and so do all of his co workers since I have met them. I just don't know what to do anymore. Our intimate life is the same nothing has changed.I forgot to mention nothing like this ever happened util after his father passed away, his father always told him how he wished he was like him and date many girls. Might the guilt of him not really being there for his dad be a reason why hes doing it?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2014
cannotforgive
♀ New Member
Member # 43367
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is doing it because he has the opportunity to do it.
It is probably an emotional affair, which soon will turn into a physical one if nothing is done.
You need to sit him down and talk honestly with him. Tell him his relationship is inappropriate with her and if he does not stop, he can pack his suitcase and you will serve him the papers. I know you do not want to do this, but he needs to know the consequences of his action.
He needs to be committed to you and show you complete transparency.
He sound very immature and not committed to you if he retaliates by contacting her to piss you off. WTF?
It is quite a paradox, but sometimes cheaters blame the other half of cheating or are jealous, when they are cheating themselves.
Read on the 180 and implement it.

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Europe
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((am0930))))

Your gut is always right--trust it. He is absolutely breaking boundaries and in A territory, whether it's been physical yet or not.

The question then becomes, what do you do about it? That's hard. Without hard proof, I think many are frozen in place.

Start with stopping finding excuses for him. I don't care if he's behaving this way because his lost his dad--that's no excuse.

Next, try to draw boundaries. Total transparency of his phone. Not going out with coworkers without you. No 'wayward' thinking--being jealous of you, acting out after fights by contacting other women, etc.

I also recommend you consult with a divorce attorney so that you are prepared with information. Focus on your kids, yourself and the new baby to be, and make sure you have a plan for moving on without him if he does not change.

It's hard. I'm so sorry you're in this position.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Might the guilt of him not really being there for his dad be a reason why hes doing it?

No. He's doing it because he's selfish and likes the attention and likes hooking up or flirting with other girls even tho he wants to be married to you.


Posts: 443 | Registered: Feb 2014
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

am930
You both sound to be very insecure with your feelings and commitment to each other.
Can you stop, think and see that you both seem to be yearning for more - from each other?
It would seem very in appropriate for him to have such a relationship - be it emotional, physical or sexual with a co-worker.
If it is not physical now, he sounds like he is 'putting himself' in the position where she becomes 'infatuated' with him and he is powerless otherwise than to have a physical A with her, and he will then go on to blame her for her infatuation with him, rather than himself for being such a needy twerp.
This is personally a huge blow to your self confidence - that his co-workers (who know you) should so tacitly 'condone' his stupid flirting.
You probably still do 'mean the world to him' - unfortunately - some men still seek the personal validation of their attractiveness by 'grooming' another woman to become emotionally involved with him
I think he is doing it for an ego-boost, because he is jealous of your mature co-parenting relationship with your older daughter's father.
He feels inadequate by comparison and is trying to get one over on you.
If you think this sounds like your situation, maybe you could retrieve your relationship by inviting him to be open and honest with you about his fears and doubts?
This may not happen unless you could first bear to be open and honest with him - whilst he is currently fooling around and acting like a complete arse.
Whatever happens, I wish you peace in your mind.


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did confess to me though that when he gets mad at me he does think of cheating on me with her or other women just to get back at me, and that he contacts her through msgs or hangs out with her because it would piss me off

This is extremely unhealthy. Instead of discussing problems with you, he just decides to get back at you? This is a recipe for disaster. He'll need to keep upping his game to get to you. This is NOT how problems are solved in an adult relationship. I'm sorry, but he sounds extremely juvenile. If you don't mind my asking, how old is he? His thinking is not that of someone that wants a good relationship.

You have a child with him, and another on the way. I suggest you try counseling together. He may be against it, but his method of coping with upsets is very bad and he needs to change that.

You also mentioned he thinks you'd cheat with your daughter's father. He sounds very insecure. Has he always been this way (insecure)?

Regarding his father - a death, particularly of a close relative or friend, can make people feel as if life is going to pass them by. It can make people 'snap', so to speak. I don't think this has a thing to do with his father's wish that he dated more women, and it's not an excuse for anything he's doing. The fact that his behaviors changed after his father's death only reinforces my belief that counseling should be considered.

I don't know why your daughter's father isn't in her life, but that's hard. You have another child, which is hard. You're pregnant, which makes anything more difficult, and is challenging by itself. Your BF should be supporting you right now, not purposely behaving in ways that will upset you.

If he refuses counseling, then the ball is in your court. With two young ones and another on the way, I'm sure this is scary, but your BF can only do this for as long as you are with him. You have the power to stop this, at any time.

Your daughters are learning what to expect from a relationship from you and your BF. Please teach them to accept nothing less than respect. You don't want this for them in 20 years.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
am0930
♀ New Member
Member # 44292
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Painfulpast)) he just turned 24 yesterday. And aa for my older dd father he just came back into my life about 3wks ago but I was trying to be civil with him so he doesnt take me to court for custody.
Thank you all for your post and I agree with all of you. And now I feel like im in the wrong for being with him. I know its easier said then done. (Madoldbat)I was never jealous until this girl came along. He has always been jealous, stopped for some time and is extremely jealous now. I am only 26 and have been through too much pain in my life to even think about hurting him. I do yearn for more from him I work, go to school and take care of my children sometimes I don't have much time for him due to responsibility, but maybe this is also a call for more of me? Sad part is I work in a dv agency I help women like me yet cant help myself.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2014
am0930
♀ New Member
Member # 44292
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Painfulpast)) he just turned 24 yesterday. And aa for my older dd father he just came back into my life about 3wks ago but I was trying to be civil with him so he doesnt take me to court for custody.
Thank you all for your post and I agree with all of you. And now I feel like im in the wrong for being with him. I know its easier said then done. (Madoldbat)I was never jealous until this girl came along. He has always been jealous, stopped for some time and is extremely jealous now. I am only 26 and have been through too much pain in my life to even think about hurting him. I do yearn for more from him I work, go to school and take care of my children sometimes I don't have much time for him due to responsibility, but maybe this is also a call for more of me? Sad part is I work in a dv agency I help women like me yet cant help myself.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 8

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