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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Betrayed Spouse
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During discussion of the A, we often talk about the OBS who I started a "friendship" with. I put friendship in quotes because it couldn't have been a real friendship since I met her after I had sex with AP and I never needed to meet her. What confuses me is why would I have insisted upon starting a friendship with her? She never would have wanted to know me. I inserted myself into her life and when D-day came she was doubly betrayed by both AP and me. My BH asked me why I didn't use the parameters of prior friendships of where I WASN'T sleeping with my friend's husband/boyfriend when implementing this friendship? I never needed to introduce my BH to AP and OBS. I never needed to become "friends" with OBS, yet I did. It makes me sick that I can't understand why I did this. I think this is important to understand to help me make sense of things about the A. She was a big part of this as well because I latched on to her just like I latched on to AP. Any thoughts?


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here -

without judgement, was there a secondary 'thrill' to setting these meetings up? From what I read here and elsewhere, part of the enticement of the A is the thrill of doing something 'bad'. Did these meetings/'friendships' add a layer of that?

if that's not it, perhaps start with your thought process. What did you hope would be the outcome of these meetings? Were you hoping for double dates, where you could have BH and OP there? What were your expectations from these relationships?

FWIW, I think it's admirable that you want to discover the 'why' to this part of the A.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Throwing some ideas out there-

Were you, perhaps, doing it as a way of self-soothing? After all, if you knew her, liked her and provided the benefits of 'friendship' you could convince yourself that you weren't that bad a person.

Or perhaps it was a control measure. The more you knew about her, the more power you could have over your unbalanced situation.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two, very different, thoughts: 1) Did you want, in a weird way, to size up the competition? 2) Did you hope that humanizing her might motivate you to stop what you were doing?


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 568 | Registered: May 2014
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you knew how much she was unknowingly being hurt by you and her husband, so in some twisted way you thought by being her friend you were helping her. Sorta like an abusive husband bringing flowers home to his wife after he's beat her.

Just a thought.....


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was the payoff for you then? In other words what did you feel you were getting out of it at the time?

I don't expect any understanding you gain will be one you can relate to or comprehend now. It isn't something likely to make sense now. However, at the time the "math" that worked for you during the A was very different.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3991 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's AP was a friend of mine, and actually stepped up contact in some ways after they got involved, i.e. inviting me over to keep me company when he was out of town, going out on a double date with her and her H to a play, coming over, us going over there. My H said he expressed hesitation about these things, and was acutely uncomfortable during any time we were all together, but I remember one time in particular she was dressed uncharacteristically sexily. I kind of laughed to myself and thought "Good for AP," never expecting that it was for my H's benefit. In other words, I don't think she was uncomfortable - I think she kinda dug it.

I guess this isn't helping you pizza, because you don't sound like a slutty sociopath!

I imagine she was kind of trying to keep dibs on him via me, and just see him as often as possible. I also think she had kind of a twisted thing about wanting to be us. . .so I don't know if that rings any bells. She was unhappy, and I think unhappy in her marriage, and I think being around us made her happy.

I still remember the letter you posted to the OBS that you didn't send, and I thought it was very thoughtful.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:03 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I think this is pretty wise:

Were you, perhaps, doing it as a way of self-soothing? After all, if you knew her, liked her and provided the benefits of 'friendship' you could convince yourself that you weren't that bad a person.

Or perhaps it was a control measure. The more you knew about her, the more power you could have over your unbalanced situation.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for the insightful responses. I am going to go through and address the ideas given in this thread.

Painfulpast

without judgement, was there a secondary 'thrill' to setting these meetings up? From what I read here and elsewhere, part of the enticement of the A is the thrill of doing something 'bad'. Did these meetings/'friendships' add a layer of that?

When setting up get togethers with AP, OBS, and BH, I didn't see hanging out with them all as "doing something bad". I saw it as fun times together hanging out, drinking, talking, etc. The aspect of something "bad" was when AP and I would make out in their basement when we were hanging out at their house. It was extremely sick that BH and OBS would be upstairs and we were downstairs feet away.
What did you hope would be the outcome of these meetings? Were you hoping for double dates, where you could have BH and OP there? What were your expectations from these relationships?

My expectation for all of the times that we all hung out was that of having fun together. I felt a part of a group (a bunch of times there were other mutual friends there). See, for a long time prior to the start of the A, I mostly just hung out with BH, his brothers, my brother, and one of our male friends. They all have a lot in common and sometimes I felt like I was not getting my needs met - they liked different music then me, have different viewpoints then me, etc. However, it was a very safe space to be in - it became very comfortable, but we didn't really hang out with very many other people for years. BH is an introvert and was only really comfortable with a small group of people. When we started to hang out with AP, OBS, and a few other people I started to feel like I was with a group of people who understood my viewpoints better. They were all teachers, or going to be a teacher; they were all outgoing and social; they were into more of the same kinds of music and things I liked. I connected with the whole group (not just with AP and OBS). Plus I was gaining a level of attention that I didn't really have before. I started to become the little social director of the group. I created such a web of friendship between them, my brother, my neighbors, my other friends that it seemed impossible to extricate myself from the A because the frienship network was woven so tightly. Unfortunately because the friendship with them was really a lie, my BH feels doubly hurt - he put himself out there with a new group of people that he probably wouldn't have made friends with on his own. He felt safe in the friendships and thought that they would be people that he could depend on. Unfortunately had I not started an A, there could have been the potential for a very long lasting rich friendship. I messed my BH up in more ways then one.

Nogoodusername

Were you, perhaps, doing it as a way of self-soothing? After all, if you knew her, liked her and provided the benefits of 'friendship' you could convince yourself that you weren't that bad a person.

Perhaps it was a way of self-soothing. I always thought that I cared about her. I went out of my way to do things for her, buy her gifts, spend time with just her, confide in her, spend time with her kids/buy them presents - I legitimately believed that I was her friend and that I cared about her. But perhaps I did all of those things to make me feel better about what I was doing. That if I showed her caring it would someone negate what I was doing to her and her kids. I don't think that was ever a conscious thought during the time I was "friends" with her.
Or perhaps it was a control measure. The more you knew about her, the more power you could have over your unbalanced situation.

I never thought about it like that, but maybe that was what it was - that I someone wanted to keep tabs on her and AP. Maybe that I knew more then she did it would make me more in control. He told me things about their relationship when just him and I were together that she was obviously not aware of. Just like she told me things about him that she wouldn't have wanted to me to tell him. The thing is, I never shared with either of them what the other person said.

TheIrishGirl

1) Did you want, in a weird way, to size up the competition? 2) Did you hope that humanizing her might motivate you to stop what you were doing?

Become friends with her was perhaps a way of sizing up the "competition". I initially started chatting with her on-line after the first time AP and I had sex and before the two couples first meeting. I remember really clicking with her when we chatted. She had a lot of the same interests as me and I thought that she was a very cool person. I was excited to get together and hang out with her. Hmm, in regards to humanizing her to motivate me to stop - I know that when I talked about her with my IC that I had during the A I would ALWAYS feel conflicted about what I was doing because I knew how much she and my BH would be hurt due to what I was doing. For some reason, that wasn't a powerful enough realization to make me stop what I was doing. As my BH says, "You needed to have an A first to realize that it is wrong." I really don't think I had a full grasp on what I was really doing or what the ultimate consequences would be.

Trulysad

Maybe you knew how much she was unknowingly being hurt by you and her husband, so in some twisted way you thought by being her friend you were helping her. Sorta like an abusive husband bringing flowers home to his wife after he's beat her.

I did actually believe I was helping her by being her friend. She didn't grow up in this area so the majority of her friends live on the other side of the state. She didn't hang out with many women so she was very happy to have me in her life. This makes me feel nauseous - that she trusted me and cared about me and I fucking shit on that. In fact, AP would often suggest to her that her and I go out together. I can't even imagine the torment that she must have felt when she realized that I was not the person that she though that I was.

Brandon808

What was the payoff for you then? In other words what did you feel you were getting out of it at the time?

The payoff for me was a friendship that I felt that I was lacking in my life. I have very few good female friends. My closest female friend lives about 1 1/2 away, so I don't get to see her as often as I would like it. It was appealing to have a female friend that I could see a lot and have a close relationship with.

Bionicgal

because you don't sound like a slutty sociopath!

I'm not!
I also think she had kind of a twisted thing about wanting to be us. . .so I don't know if that rings any bells. She was unhappy, and I think unhappy in her marriage, and I think being around us made her happy.

There were definitely things about their marriage that I envied - or maybe it was more that I projected onto them what the ideal relationship would be; I overlooked the negatives with them and only focused on the positives. There were definitely things in my relationship with my BH that I was unhappy with (and him with me), but they had problems just like us.
I still remember the letter you posted to the OBS that you didn't send, and I thought it was very thoughtful.

Thanks! That means a lot. I think about sending it to her, but I never will. I don't think it would do any good. I respect the fact that she wants to forget about me, so I will stay permanently out of her life.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of think the self-soothing came into play for me.

I have a couple of other working theories:

1. I think I was trying to throw BW and/or OBS off the scent. After all, if I wanted to hang out with OBS, or wanted BW to be friendly to AP, that means it's just a normal, friendly relationship, right? If I was doing something bad, there is no way that I'd want AP to spend time with BW.

I always talk in comparisons and metaphors, so here's another. I see it as kind of like when you are drunk, but don't want someone to find out about it. So you talk very deliberately. I think that I didn't want anyone to know, so I deliberately wanted to talk about it.

Yes, I know this seems screwed up. Lots of things do looking back.

2. I think it helped with compartmentalizing. My AP#1 was my SIL. If I had a box for home life, and a box for A life, why not have a box for spending time with BIL, or with the extended family, or to encourage BW to spend time with her SIL.

Again, this is sort of a working theory, but I think dividing my life into more pieces was a way of not dealing with it.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 616 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just sharing this post with my IC. I read to her something that I wrote:

He told me things about their relationship when just him and I were together that she was obviously not aware of. Just like she told me things about him that she wouldn't have wanted to me to tell him. The thing is, I never shared with either of them what the other person said.

I remembered that she had told me about a stash of money that she had that he didn't know about. I can't remember where she got it from or why she didn't tell him about it. Anyway, I didn't tell AP about the stash. My IC asked me why I didn't tell him about it. I didn't think it was his right to know about it. I didn't want to betray her trust. What a contridiction, right? I was COMPLETELY betraying her trust by having an affair with her husband. There was a part of me that just really wanted to be a good and trustworthy friend to her.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 11

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