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User Topic: Been a long time, could use feedback.
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I visit often and get help from reading. I am having a hard time and need to reach out. Every part of my being is fighting against it but I know I need to bring truth and some light to my situation.
So brief catch up... My husband and I have been together for almost 40 years, his affair that happened 31/2 years ago completely flattened me, just like many of us here, I was totally blindsided.
After several separations, many,many hours of good therapy we have been on the slow and bumpy road of recovery.
There is a lot to fill in there, but it would take to long!
Probably the most important thing I can say is I am not the same person, I know I am a much stronger person today.
I am having such a hard time even writing this... On Mother's Day this year I found inappropriate texting going on with my husband and a different woman. He claims there was no further involvement and I have had no reason not to believe that. Since my husbands affair I now periodically check his phone. When I brought this too him he was remorseful, embarrassed... We went to our therapist with this, too difficult and lengthy to try and put in a few words what transpired, the jest of it was he was pulled in by the thrill of it .. I have an amazing therapist feel very fortunate we have over a 20 year relationship. Over the years we would go see her about life's issues that would come up. We have a daughter who has had a lot of trauma and emotional issues.
So here I am... Things are not great my husband goes through the motions but truthfully I don't know if he has it in him . I don't know if I have it , to overcome a second blow. I just want to scream WTF is wrong with you? How could you possibly do this knowing the damage the first go around did, not just to me but our adult children
I want an easy fix and there isn't one, I don't hate my husband I wish I did some days. I hate his behavior!
One of the reasons I stopped posting here on SI is because I got slammed with a lot of get rid of the bum advice. I was really broken and fragile, and some of the advice wasn't helpful. I wasn't really strong enough to weed out what I needed and what I didn't. I am so much better, even I can see it. Really I was bad off, like probably should have been hospitalized bad off! I couldn't eat, sleep, work talk to people it was awful! I was taking medications just to get through.
I know I have done a lot of work on myself, I don't feel as lost or crippled by this new revelation , I feel incredible sadness!,
That is compounded with the loss of my sister this year to cancer. If you were to ask me right now I don't think my marriage will make it but I look to anyone here who has experience for some feedback. For now I am just sitting with this and not making any decisions, I am checking on my WH. I have told him another incident and I am done, but I not sure if I am done anyway, I can say without hesitation I hate this sh.,.,.,t!!!!! I would not wish this on anyone. I know I need a place to talk and work things out, I need to talk to people who understand this and can share their experiences. It can be tricky to try and talk to friends and family, they love me and want what's best. The answers don't seem easy to me. Ugh!,, help appreciated!


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
lovesobroken
♀ Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((())) do you know if its just texting?/how did it start? Who is this woman? Hang in there.

Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2014
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe it was just texting, she was a customer at his work. I read the message he sent that said I will not be contacting you again. But the big trouble is whatever trust had been rebuilt has been thrown out the window. I don't know what to believe. So now I am back in the detective mode! I hate this!!


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out who the woman is and she is married, I haven't done anything further at this point. In some ways as crazy as it sounds I think the reality is just hitting me. I was so involved with my sister during the last months of her life and all that goes with losing her, then this...I think I might just be coming up for air. I don't know if he is being totally truthful or not.


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through something very similar - I think it was 2 years ago, so we would have been about 5 years out.

H handed me his laptop to read a joke. He was on his way out to pick up a script at the store. I read the joke and then poked around. I saw a lot of emails between him & *Lauren*. Lots of winkies & smilies :) - all font enlarged and bolded. One invited her to his office as he had her favorite candy. Like you, I wasn't as mad as I was sad.

He came back and got all exasperated that I could even think such a thing was going on again. Blah, blah, blah. I reminded him that he has had TWO affairs with coworkers.

He was quiet & distant for a few days. That's pretty typical of him. He needs to process things. He came to me a few days later and apologized and said "I guess I still have really shitty boundaries". Yep you do! I told him to unfriend her on FB - he said it was no big deal. I said I see that you searched her out and sent the friend request to her. He cried. He knew that I was ready to walk and this was non-negotiable. He unfriended her and I blocked her. Shortly thereafter she left the company for a new job.

I think unless WS are diligent and constantly checking themselves it is way too easy slip back into those old habits.

How did your WH react to discussing in MC? Does he *get it* at all?


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6604 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does seem to 'get it' he was honest with our MC and continues to be willing to go. I feel so whacky about this, almost like if I find something more than I can just say that's it.
The first go around I was willing to go to any lengths to save my marriage. That affair was different way more involved. Not that any of it is ok on any level! I don't know what to do with myself we have a lot going for us we have always been good friends we share a lot of common interests, have a good life.
Our sex life has suffered as is not to great! That is a problem!
I had a birthday this past weekend and I feel like something shifted in me. I don't want to throw away a whole lifetime, but I don't know how to get through this. It has opened up the wounds that were barely healed. As I am talking outlaoud to you( and by the way thx for your response) I am hearing myself, I have to once again talk to WH. I think the only way to get through this is for him to hear me, I hope he can continue to get it...


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does seem to 'get it' he was honest with our MC and continues to be willing to go. I feel so whacky about this, almost like if I find something more than I can just say that's it.
The first go around I was willing to go to any lengths to save my marriage. That affair was different way more involved. Not that any of it is ok on any level! I don't know what to do with myself we have a lot going for us we have always been good friends we share a lot of common interests, have a good life.
Our sex life has suffered as is not to great! That is a problem!
I had a birthday this past weekend and I feel like something shifted in me. I don't want to throw away a whole lifetime, but I don't know how to get through this. It has opened up the wounds that were barely healed. As I am talking out loud to you( and by the way thx for your response) I am hearing myself, I have to once again talk to WH. I think the only way to get through this is for him to hear me, I hope he can continue to get it...


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanttosurvive: I am pretty new at this. I have not made a decision yet. There are still things I don't believe, things I don't know. I want my family. I want the this life and I feel I need to figure out how much I can sacrifice for it. The trust is gone. A lot of the hope is gone. I guess I am saying where is your line? Where is my line? And are we willing to walk away when it's crossed? If we don't walk away, what do we have? It's soul crushing.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 297 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woops double post


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry don't have a good answer for you however, I wanted to let you know I do understand. I am in the same place as you just some different circumstances. I have been married a long time also. His A was a mega betrayal. I tried everything to R. He knew no lies , he must be open about everything. He went behind my back 5 yrs into R and did a financial betrayal. Part of his A involved financial betrayal. It is so hard. With the years, our age etc. you are right the answers don't come easy. I feel for you.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Jun 2008
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wanttosurvive))) I know that feeling so well, almost praying for him to do something definitive so the heartbreaking decision to leave is out of your hands. If you aren't ready to make it, don't. Let all of the shoulds go, and just take care of yourself.

I think it is telling that while your sister was dying your WH started the cheating behavior again. A stressful life event is a pretty common time for those inclined to cheat to do so. To me, it sounds like your WH was kind of coasting through the last 3.5 years. Working superficially on the marriage, but not doing the hard inner work that would let him deal with stressful times in your marriage appropriately. Your WH isn't trustworthy or a safe bet right now. If he wants you to stay he has a lot of hard work to do.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Dec 2012
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really hard and I don't think there is a one size fits all answer. I sure do wish there was right now. I would have said without a doubt this would be a total deal breaker for me and yet here I sit. Over the past three years there has been healing and hope and I am not sure yet if this has killed that. I think time will tell. I think I am going to continue to check up on WH in the meanwhile. This is soul crushing, I do know it gets better though, because I can't tell you what a difference there is in me today then on that fateful night in October 2010 when my husband confessed to the A. My world shattered and I don't feel so shattered today. I have a sense even though it is a little shaky that I will be ok no matter how things turn out.
Sending hugs seenow give yourself the gift of time, I am going to take that advice too.


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Frustrated  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the hard part is he may not be capable of doing the 'hard work' and I agree about the tough life situations that seem to throw him back to this behavior. He is not trust worthy right now. My age, his age this all seems like too much! And on top of everything my dad is 93 years old. Still living independently but is starting to fail. My sister's death has shaken him badly. Hope I am not whining it just feels like a lot!
I appreciate all the responses I have been feeling isolated with all this and I know that is not good!


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Wanttosurvive))))

The hardest part is the uncertainty I think, and the fear of offering trust agin only to be yet again made a fool of and hurt. If you decide to leave, you will be okay; but you don't have to decide yet. I'm glad you have a good MC. Has he read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. I am one of those with multiple DDays, so I understand the pull to stay and wondering where your "line" is, if you even have one any more. My only advice to you is to focus on your own self right now. Who cares what his "why" is? What is YOUR why? Why do you give yourself permission to be so disrespected by someone who is supposed to love you? I had to answer this question for myself, and it was very hard. When I figured out my own "why", I was able to see my "line" very, very clearly.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right, there is no 'one size fits all' answer as to the best way to proceed after infidelity has exploded in your marriage. But I will say this: I think that nearly every person who has experienced infidelity and stayed in the marriage has made big compromises, for different reasons. It may be that you believe they are 100% remorseful and you trust that nothing like that will happen again. Some may stay in the marriage for purely lifestyle/financial reasons. Some stay out of debilitating, unresolved codependency....or a combination of a lot of reasons. The trick is to know how much compromise you can personally manage in your life. Your WH has shown you that his immature, self-centered thinking is still alive. It is probable that your focus on your dying family member had something to do with his newest betrayal. I should think it would be wise to address this in therapy. Is he so needy for attention that when you became preoccupied with your sister in the last weeks of her life he felt the 'need' for attention and again risked your marriage to get it? Or did he sense that your preoccupation with your sister would make it easier for him to 'get away with it' ? He needs to answer these things to himself, and to you. You have no rush to make a final decision. It will come to you in time. And you are right about this too: you are a stronger person than you once were. Anyone who survives infidelity becomes a stronger person. Sadder, but stronger.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 499 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanttosurvive...I'm so sorry you lost your sister. You won't get a kick the bum out from me, I'm still living with mine. Only you know when its time, or maybe there won't be a time. The second DD is different, I agree, something changes inside of you. Hopefully your WS will get back on track, I hope he realizes what he has at home and gets his act together. Such poor timing, when you really needed him to step up...I hope he becomes the man he needs to be.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:33 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5174 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What went down 3 1/2 years ago after dday? What reason did he give then and what did he do to earn a chance to stay with you then? Did he do IC and read etc? How did he help you through all of your pain? I too cannot comprehend a ws seeing the devastation they caused and then repeating similar behavior again. It is unfathomable to me. This is why I ask what kind of work he did originally. It doesn't sound like he ever really dealt with his issues in the first place. Do you feel like much of his A was rugswept?


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 452 | Registered: Mar 2014
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanttosurvive, this is really tiresome, isn't it? Of all the things I notice on this jiurney, my intense fatigue is the biggest.

It takes so much energy to keep giving, in the midst of uncertainty.

What would trouble me about this is, if this is how your husband copes with stress, what happens as you get older, and may face sickness or more life altering events in your family?

I'm trouble by his reason: for the thrill of it. THis to me reflects a person who is ok with throwing a marriage & commitment under the bus due to poor impulse control.

It would make me wonder, what else will he do on impulse? Can I count on him?

Although it's good he identified his reason, I wonder if he has a plan for the future. How will he handle similar temptations, stressors, etc?

I empathize completely with the difficulty you face in making long term decisions. It's hard to detach from a person we love, even if they've gravely hurt us.

Can you think through things to do right now that take care of you? Like, walking alone, or seeing a movie by yourself, or taking a roadtrip to somewhere a few hours away. Space may help you see yourself, him, and the scenario more objectively.

[This message edited by meleanoro at 2:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2005
wanttosurvive
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here next day... Answer to some of the questions which is good because it makes me reflect and try and be truthful with myself. After the first affair we had 2 separations, he had become involved with the OW physically and emotionally. Pre disclosure I thought he had cancer and wasn't telling us... Just an aside of how crazy it gets. The affair lasted several months and didn't break off quickly. He was definitely in the fog and appeared to have been taken over by alien life form! We did intensive care therapy! A lot of work on both sides, long story decided to stay in marriage. Did he do enough work, well my answer to that is an obvious no! Or I wouldn't be sitting here with this! Is he capable, I am not sure. There have been many moments of closeness honesty and truth, that is what has kept me here. I do believe I know the difference although it is easy to start questioning my reality... OMG the fatigue it comes like a wave, just trying to write about this is exhausting!
I think I have to just put one foot in front of the other keep taking care of myself... I hate that can go out the window, why in god's name do I torture myself because of H infidelity. I know trust me years of therapy,self help all that stuff and it still can happen, the good news is I have some awareness and try and catch it! I have a tool I like to use which is I try to treat myself like my best friend.
Truthfully I don't really care about why anymore, which I can't even believe because I was haunted by the why of it! I just want it to stop! And if it isn't going to stop I want to figure out how to move on. And that is overwhelming, I am 58yrs old, working very part time, to young to retire too old to re-invent myself- again! I am financially dependent on H, I am comfortable with my life and completely pissed off that I may have to change all that because of his assinine behavior!
He is trying to do all the right things I just don't know if it enough I feel numb, this is deadening my heart! How horrible is that! I want some kind of cure .... And there isn't one! I do know time helps. I feel the need to say something positive, I work on gratitude, I have 3 amazing adult children and I have great relationships with each one of them, (I have worked at that!) I have the best dog in the world a 3 year old golden retreiver! It is summer.


"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
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