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Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

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User Topic: Been a long time, could use feedback.
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, if you left, you wouldnt be throwing 30 years away. I felt like that too for awhile. I lived those years, had 2 kids loved my h, worked, had friends, laughed, cried, traveled. They had alot of value to me and I'm sure yours did too.
Second, perhaps you should consider exposing his behavior, if you haven't already. I think he should get the experience of telling his children what he has done. My h knows that the slightest transgression at this point will have him sitting in front of our daughters telling the whole grimy story. For him that would be agony. Obviously, you don't want to d, and I can understand why. The consequences may not have been severe enough last time. Maybe you were a little too nice the first time? I know I was. That's one reason my fwh thought he could get away with an email and phone r with his fap.
There comes a time when they just simply need to be kept so busy attending to your needs and the needs of your m, that they just dont have time to attend to the ridiculousness of playing around with other women. My h carries at least 50% of the load around or house now. We both work, and it was high time that he put his efforts into our life instead of his life in fantasyland. IMHO, of course.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to put so much work into something to try to save it, just to go back to square one. I know how you feel. My WH didn't have another A per se but he did some things that put us back a lot. I don't really have any advice because I don't know what I'm doing right now but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
♀ Member
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you know what you are willing to tolerate. I put up with things during my marriage that my friends think should qualify me for sainthood. I was willing to tolerate that because I always believed that the day would come that things would change for the better. And little things did change that gave me momentary glimpses of happiness and contentment. I sense that this is where you are.
For me, my threshold was fidelity and my physical security. I told myself that I could tolerate just about anything else . When the infidelity was admitted, the line was crossed and there was no going back for me. And this happened when I was 50 (we had a beautiful home, we were making plans to retire, the "things" in my life were comfortable). Do I regret it? I regret that he was unable to remain faithful. I don't regret having my line in the sand and staying true to that.
4 years out, I no longer wonder what could have been if I had stayed. Am I happy? ummmm not yet. But I'm content. One way or another, change is going to happen. You may leave, or you may stay but things will change because you will insist on it. Best of luck!!!

M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

I wish I had advice. All I can say is how much will you put up with? Do you feel you can ever get the trust back? Do you want to live as the relationship police forever if you can't?

People can change...I really believe that. But they have to WANT to.

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the feedback... As far as what am I willing to put up with... Apparently a lot! A big ah ha moment for me in therapy was when I kept saying I can't do this I can't do that.. Mostly it was put up with another second of the excruciating pain of infidelity.. And my therapist said you can because you are.. Maybe ask yourself do you want to? It is beyond me why some of the most simplest statements can be the most profound. So my answer is no I don't want to :to all of the above, but at this moment I do not see a clear path forward.
I feel so conflicted, I love my husband and I believe he loves me but he is obviously broken, is he mendable I don't know. He has worked hard at our marriage he has done a lot right or enough right. And then another screw-up, is it just that or is it a chronic problem? OMG is he tiger woods He is still willing to do what ever it takes to save our marriage. The whole point is does it even matter can I keep going? I am so afraid everything I ever thought to be true about my, h and my life is a big lie. Even though I can intellectually tell myself all that I have built over the years which has mainly been about my family, is solid and true and real, my emotions are telling me it is all one big fake!

"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
♀ Member
Member # 31122
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you itainteasy I miss her everyday,

"What doesn't kill you hopefully will make you stronger" changing from want to survive to 'intend to thrive'!!!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: north east
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