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Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 2 week away whilst working away
What2do2014
♀ New Member
Member # 44300
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't know what to do. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2. Although he cheated on me at the start of our relationship, he has been faithful since, although I have found it hard to trust him.
We have 2 young daughters ages 3 and 5 months.
He has been working away during the week for the past 6 weeks and last Friday I found texts from a girl. It was clear from the texts that they have been together and we're having some sort of relationship but I had no idea how long it had been going on as he had deleted most messages, so only had a few to go on.
He admitted that he has been seeing her for the past 2 weeks, on Tuesday and Thursday both weeks. That he probably would have seen her this week but that he had no intention of continuing the affair after he finished working there this week. The texts indicated that they were planning a dirty weekend in a couple of weeks but he assures me he had no intention of going. That going to London just to see her would "seem too much like cheating."
Although he says there is no excuse for this cheating, he said that he was feeling lonely, wanted attention, etc. and there had been times I wouldn't answer the phone because I was busy with the children and admittedly I didn't make the effort to text him in the evening either.
But what do I do now? Should I be "grateful" he doesn't love her and wasn't going to leave? Whilst I can't imagine being able to forgive him, or being intimate with him, do I break apart our family for the sake of 2 weeks? I would find it hard with children on my own full time, and know that my 3 year old would miss daddy. It's worth mentioning that he does not usually work away, this was to be the last week. Any advice most welcome.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the second time he's cheated on you (I've been there).

You need to decide if you love him and want to stay in the marriage. He needs to recognize his issues that led him to all this "attention seeking". In other words, there's work to do.

Counseling would be a good idea. Also read the articles in The Healing Library in the upper left corner.

Were there consequences when he cheated on you the first time? Did the two of you "rug sweep" his first affair? Is he truly remorseful?

There is no time limit on when you have to make any decisions (I'm 9 months since Dday). But this forum and The Healing Library will help you set boundaries, get advice and be a source of support.

Others will be along with more advice. Sorry you are here - and good luck!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2013
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. That is just a crappy discovery to make.

I am also sorry to say that he is probably minimizing and/or trickle truthing -- that is, there is probably more than what he has revealed to you.

You state that sometimes you were busy or didn't have time for him. Well, he had options. He could have pursued, suggested, or even offered an ultimatum for marriage counseling. He could have filed for divorce. He could have gone to counseling just by himself and maybe gotten some guidance there on how to deal with something in his life that he was unhappy with.

Instead he just had an affair. This is incredibly selfish of him. I'll bet there were things that you were unhappy with in your relationship. You didn't cheat though.

The him feeling lonely, needing attention, etc. That may be true. But guess what -- for a lot of waywards that was true long before they got married. It had nothing to do with their spouse. It is actually some broken in this person that needs to be addressed. Often waywards cannot find value in themselves so they seek it out externally.

Again this is such a crappy discovery for you and I'm so sorry you find yourself here. There are lots of friendly people here though and you will also get lots of great advice here.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:31 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you are now a member of this club, but you have found a great place for support and information. To start, please read the articles in the Healing Library.

There are issues in every relationship, but not everyone chooses to cheat.

That going to London just to see her would "seem too much like cheating."

^^He's full of sh*t. Cheaters lie. What's the difference if he was cheating at the first location or London? In London it would feel like cheating but it doesn't feel like cheating elsewhere?

He was only working away for six weeks, and in that short amount of time, he meets someone, cheats, and plans a weekend getaway.

Feeling lonely is no excuse for cheating. Needing attention is no excuse for cheating. He could have communicated his feelings to you instead of bringing this nightmare into your life. If he doesn't fix what's broken inside of him, he will certainly do this again as this has been his second rodeo. IC is a must IMO if you decide to reconcile.

Please get yourself tested for STDS asap, him as well, non-negotiable.

You don't have to make any decisions now, take time to process all of this. Take care of yourself as best as you can as your precious children need you.


Posts: 7591 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what do I do now? Should I be "grateful" he doesn't love her and wasn't going to leave? Whilst I can't imagine being able to forgive him, or being intimate with him, do I break apart our family for the sake of 2 weeks? I would find it hard with children on my own full time, and know that my 3 year old would miss daddy. It's worth mentioning that he does not usually work away, this was to be the last week. Any advice most welcome.

Grateful?

There's NOTHING about his lying and cheating that should make you feel grateful or relieved. So he basically used some woman for his own selfish needs while he was working out of town and now supposedly intends to throw her away like yesterday's garbage when he blows back out of town at the end of his work assignment? It's almost a given he lied to this girl and told her he was single. In fact, I'd bet the farm on that.

And since he had absolutely no qualms at all about conning some woman into spending time with him purely for his own amusement while he was away from home, his claim about not crossing the line 'physically' with her just sounds utterly ridiculous. That's kind of like a bank robber claiming he won't run a right light because it's against the law. Please.

The guy is a sneak and he's already proven to you he's more than capable of cheating, as he did years ago at the beginning of your relationship. He took advantage of his time away from home to get a few cheap thrills and when you caught him, he turned it on YOU and blamed you for it.

Considering his complete lack of integrity, that doesn't surprise me at all.

But do be warned - he feels completely justified for his sleazy behavior. Instead of feeling horrified for how he's hurt you, he's JUSTIFYING what he did. That means he has zero remorse.

ZERO REMORSE.

He'll cheat again the second the opportunity falls in his lap. You can jump around like a trained seal for the next 50 years, doing his bidding, bending over backwards to please him, giving him everything he desires, and he'll STILL cheat on you the second the opportunity arises.

I guess you need to decide how much disrespect you're willing to take from him.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 5

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