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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did I over react?
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Sorry this is really long, my posts always are for some reason. some new stuff has come to light and really shaken me. There are kind of 2 parts to my post today. Part 1 new info about that night and part 2 finding out he had been to her village when he swore to me he hadn't. I don't know what to do with this new info..

I was talking with H last night and told him something I had read on SI yesterday had triggered me badly. It was a thread about a ONS and everyone was saying it's never just once. That they all say they stopped mid sex but then go on to do it again. That they all say they hated the sex. Basically that if they had sex they wanted it, they finished and they did it again. That anything else is a lie.

So I asked him to explain again what had happened. He swears he hated it. That he did it out of fear and cowardice. He went through it all and the details remain the same but this time he was more open about his feelings.

He says he was playing at having an affair. That he wanted the EA but nothing more and he only wanted to feel wanted by someone but that after he kissed her he didn't want anything more physical. That he had text her that night and tried to end it again, he had tried before but only half heartedly as he wanted the EA to continue but didn't want it to go too far. Again she brushed him off saying they were 'just friends' he took that to mean she agreed to just stay 'friends'.

That was why he got in the car that night as he felt special she had gone out of her way to give him a lift home. He felt safe cos she had agreed 'just friends' that he was stupid and did it just to get more attention.

But when she lifted her skirt out of the blue he panicked. He says he remembered all the times at work she had blown up in a temper if he didn't do what she wanted, the silent treatments and the storming out. That he realised all he had done and that it wasn't a game and he was going to have to face the fall out. So he submitted.

He swears it was submission, not desire. I think I believe him cos he admits he didn't say no to masturbating her, but he did shut down emotionally to do it. That he distanced himself from the act. His actual words were, it felt like it wasn't me doing it. Then she asked if he wanted to get in the back. He said no. She started moving stuff anyway so he said no again, but this time added that he didn't have a condom. She said it didn't matter and got in the back. At this point he didn't see how he could say no after all they had done, and he was too weak to say no and mean it so he gave in but when they started he couldn't ignore what he was doing anymore and stopped,

Now I have mixed feelings about this. I think it's true as he has admitted things that make him look bad. I won't go into details but stuff that made me livid he still held his hands up to. No excuses. Like not saying no until it was too late, the way he touched her etc etc.

But it sounds to me like he is telling me it was almost like coercion. How can a grown man be so weak he can't say no? He says cos he was in too deep and didn't have a leg to stand on. He has always been the guy who can't say no. He will do anything for anyone if it means they will like him and give him attention. He struggles to say no to anyone.

So I am confused at that side of things. How can it be coercion when he was doing the touching. She was playing a power game. She never kissed him or touched him once, just offered herself and acted like he wasn't allowed to refuse her. He had seen her tantrums at work if things didn't go her way, had stopped talking about me cos she fell out with him if he did. Lots of things like that. He felt he couldn't say no out of fear of how she would react.

I kind of accepted he gave in to what she wanted cos he was too weak to stand up to her but when he started talking about how he shut down his emotions, stopped thinking and distanced himself from what he was doing I started to feel awkward. If this was a woman we would be thinking non consensual sex. Could this be what happened when it was him doing the touching? I am really uncomfortable with this as I have been through similar and I call it rape but I wouldn't say that with him as he was the one who used his body. I am thinking non-consensual?

Part 2. I had got myself in such a state after reading the thread about how they always lie that I started pushing him for anything he might not have told me or minimised. He swore there was nothing.

Then I remembered a withdrawal in the bank statement from the Sunday before they had sex. The start of the week it turned physical with them. It said it was a village post office ATM. She lives in a village. He told me at the time it was one of two things. Either he had gone for a drink with his bosses after work and taken some money out there and it had taken a couple of days to show up or money he withdrew on one of his bike rides. He couldn't remember. But he was adamant he hadn't been to her village, that he wasn't sure exactly where it was, only the rough area.

So last night I was in such a tizz after reading how they always lie and I did something I never do. I lied to him and told him the post office had HAM written next to it. The first 3 letters of her village. He clearly forgot what he had told me straight after dday cos he confessed he had been THROUGH her village on a bike ride to somewhere else,but not mentioned it as he hadn't been TO her village or seen her. He said he didn't want me to think he had met her so had kept quiet about it. He then says he isn't even sure about that as the route goes through many villages and he only assumed it was hers as he rode past the pub she used to work at so he assumed it was her village.

I got so mad at him. I told him I am sick of these 'little lies' how could he tell me he hadn't been there when he had? He says he didn't want me to think he had met up with her when he hadn't. He knew I would be upset he had been there so he lied about it.

I am so mad, so hurt and worried I am over reacting. How can I trust him now? Am I making too big a deal about it? He was wrapped up in her before they had sex but afterwards he says he hated her. The affair lasted 6 weeks but once they slept together in week 3 the rest was about keeping her quiet and he ended up bringing her here to meet me cos he was too weak to end it himself so I kind of believe him but I wonder what was in his mind that weekend he went there when he was still hooked on her.

My honest opinion? He was curious about where she lived and in his little affair bubble he acted like a teenager wanting to be near where she was without crossing any lines by actually meeting her. Either that or they went for an afternoon drink but I doubt it cos he was never gone that long. Of course if they wanted to do it they had plenty of chances, a day off work together etc but he swears not.

I really want to move forward but my head is a mess of doubts and now, after last night, distrust too.

What do I do? I know it's a small lie but a lie nonetheless. HE did come clean though and when he denied it it was way back at dday.

[This message edited by olwen at 5:26 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
forkinthehead
♀ New Member
Member # 42267
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Olwen I don't feel that you over reacted. Personally, I find myself mostly in a hyper- vigilant state. Turning what he's told me over and over inside my head. It's very difficult not to be reactive. Especially, if we are given answers such as "I don't know" and "I can't remember". Of course they know. They know that they made a choice to fool around on us, and that their choice has been crushing to us.

Im sorry that I have no advice. I wanted you to know that you have been heard. Some days I feel as if im walking a tight rope. There are days that I function well and can keep my emotions at bay. On the emotional days, its nothing but
A downward spiral.


Just when you think it's safe to go into the water. Life steps in and takes a big bite. Let me rephrase that to a HUGE bite out of ones ass.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: northeast
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might have been a lie about something smaller in scale but the real problem, the reason you went ballistic is the bigger picture.

The bigger picture is that he doesn't get to decide what details are important to you and which aren't. He needs to be completely forthcoming with everything that went on. How you feel about it is up to you.

Basically this was more trickle truth over a year out. It means he hasn't been remorseful. It means he could still be hiding stuff from you.

The reasons behind the discussion are the problem, not the details of what was discussed. Don't let him confuse the two and don't doubt yourself. You did not overreact.

I can't tell you how many times I found myself in the same position. It ripped me right to my core each time because it was proof he still didn't "get it". It meant things were not as far along in R as he believed they were, as I believed they were and it was devastating each time it happened.

Is he willing to post in the wayward section? That would be ideal. He needs to understand that each time he does this it restarts the clock at dday. He can not continue doing this if he wants R.

I would ask him to again write out a detailed timeline and after you read it over you ask detailed questions about whatever you feel the need to explore. You also need some real consequences if he does this and continues the trickle truth.

I'm so sorry. You absolutely did not overreact. He is still lying and minimizing and at this point that is a huge problem. Trust your feelings and stay strong. Never feel bad about the need to clarify the situation you are in. Trust yourself.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1862 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Olwen...this far out from dday..and he is still minimizing and still playing the victim.

I've followed your posts. I think the reason you are having such a difficult time moving forward and healing from this in a healthy manner, is because you don't believe him. You don't believe he was scared of her. You don't believe he stopped sex right away. Because his story makes no sense. It's full of contradictions. That you have found something new out, this far from dday isn't surprising. He has never owned this. And I think, deep down, this is a dealbreaker for you. Not the affair, but the failure to provide you with the truth.

You couldn't overreact to this is you tried.

Im sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7672 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is more. I can feel it. I am shaking and I feel sick. It's the same feeling when he took that deep breath and told me he had been 'texting' someone a lot....I saw it in his eyes last night when I asked him. He is so close to telling me but he just won't. I think I might get it tonight. I think there is a lot more to come.

He just doesn't 'get' honesty. I have just really lost my temper over something really stupid but it shows his mentality. He told me he had done the floors this morning but they were covered in dog hairs when I came downstairs so I asked him. He was adamant he had done the floors and didn't know why they were still dirty. Turned out he had 'done the bits that show'. I got annoyed he didn't say that in the first place and we were back to semantics. 'I said i did the floors, I didn't say I moved things'. Now I know I should be grateful he did the floors no matter how he did them and I would have been if he hadn't 'omitted' to tell me it was only done quickly.

Can anyone else see the problem here?

This was a bit more disturbing. When I found some strawberry milkshake in the sink I asked h when he came home at lunch if he had given DS that to drink first thing in the morning. I wasn't very happy. He is always spoiling him with junk food if I am not around. Coco pops and strawberry milkshake for breakfast for example when I like him to have weetabix and plain milk. He said no and DS got really upset and started denying he had had any. He even cried. H immediately played good cop, hugged him and told him HE knew he was telling the truth and glared at me like the wicked witch. Then H went back to work.

Now, I know my boy and I know he was lying so I left him to come to me and 5 mins after H had gone he came to me and asked me what I would do if he had lied and I told him I would appreciate his honesty and ask him not to help himself to sugary drinks in the future and not to lie to me again. He said he was sorry and that was that. What really got me was H was telling me off saying 'the poor kid is scared to tell you the truth!' Which is rubbish as I used to be a nursery nurse and I know what I am doing parenting wise. He knows honesty will get him 'out' of trouble not 'in' trouble!

So clearly we have an honesty issue.

I just don't trust him anymore. I think he knows I am serious this time as he has stopped saying there isn't anything to tell and instead is saying he is busy at work and can't talk. I know he has more to tell me.

I told him I am not an idiot. I know something went on that day

1) If you're going on a long ride you fill up BEFORE you go if you don't know where the petrol stations are
2) He took cash out. If it was petrol he would have paid on his card. Granted it was only ten pounds but that's enough for a couple of drinks or even a cheap meal, if they split the bill, at her pub.
3) he told me he had never been to this place when clearly he has.
4) he can never remember what he has done on any given day yet he remembered where he was on this day when I brought it up.

I text him these things and have not heard back.

Thing is I now know for sure his policy is to only tell me what 'he' thinks I need to know. It doesn't help that I tried to kill myself after the first round of tt. I am deeply ashamed of this but I have a severe mental illness and the switch just flipped. It's given him a convenient excuse not be honest though. It's the old 'she can't handle the truth' I bet you.

When i found out he told me it was just texting, then an EA, then when I stupidly asked for the password to Vodafone account he said he couldn't remember it. I got up the next morning to an email confirming he had been in and changed our details! I rang him and he went ballistic at me. Came home and tore shreds off me verbally then stormed off back to work. Then, as I was sat at the computer in shock messages started coming through. He changed the vodafone log in details. He changed his facebook details... A switch just flipped and i took enough pills to down an elephant. Didn't work though. It seemed my only way out as i am housebound and he is my carer.

That's the excuse he will use for not telling me the truth.

Also I found a text to him from his mum telling him to stop admitting to things. He is so wrapped up in himself that when I was unconscious in the hospital my mum told me he was sat in a chair crying and chanting over and over 'it was just texting!' I don't think he can even admit what he has really done even to himself.

I love him and would love to make it work but I have been ill with it all this the past year, trying so hard to believe him. He was being so loving, so helpful round the house etc but there have been enough moments where he has slipped and insulted me or lost his temper that I have been concerned, and upset.

He cries every time I want to talk about the past. He says the guilt kills him. He sends me little texts saying, remember our first flat, our first holiday etc etc how much he loves me and what we want for the future. But I have this little gremlin in my tummy that won't quieten down and I can't move forward because of it.

I know the affair is long over and he hates her but I also know there is more to come.

I know he has told little lies in the past but it's always been little stuff like saying he had a bath when he hasn't bothered for a few days (yuk) or denying a mess is his and blaming our son but after the A I told him that had to stop and he had to start admitting responsibility for stuff and not blameshifting. Grow up basically and he really seemed to have done so. He told me when an ex pm'd him on facebook and we dealt with it together. He tells me if he has any contact with OW at work. He has owned up to all sorts of minor stuff around the house too. If he forgets something he will now say 'oops I forgot' or even 'sorry I couldn't be bothered' rather than shifting it onto me as in 'you never asked me to'!

This morning was the first time I was dealing with 'old' h again in a long time.

I am babbling. Truth is I am terrified. I know I am going to want to try again virtually no matter what he says. I feel like the truth being out could set us free and give me my mind and heart back so I can live again.

Problem is how could I ever trust him again? I told him when he confessed to what I thought was everything, that if he lied to me or had held anything back it would be a deal breaker. But I don't want to end it. I love him.

also I am too ill to live alone. I have no one to turn to. He is my carer. I can't manage and house and my son on my own. I am really not well enough. I am not far from a bed in the psych unit again.

He says he hates that I feel trapped, has offered to move out but that's as far as we get then we realise the practicalities of separating are just impossible.

We said from day 1 that if we split we will stay in the house together so I can stay with my son and get the practical help I need. As friends really. I think that's my only option til I get well and find a job again.

I am so scared. How can I get the whole truth out of him without a polygraph, we have no money, and how am I going to handle it when I hear it? How do I handle it if he goes back to saying I know it all? How am I going to handle it if he comes up with something minor and still insists the sex was how he says?

I just want the truth and the strength to deal with it. this has gone on too long.

[This message edited by olwen at 9:38 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and he won't post in the wayward section cos they called him out right away and he then claimed he didn't have time and was no good with words. I got him to listen to an audiobook version of how to help you spouse heal and he seemed to take it in but he was still lying.

He is terrified of getting caught in his lies. His parents were a nightmare and the whole family blame shifts and gas lights constantly so I understand where this stuff comes from but I am not like that and I deserve the truth.

I think he decided what he would tell me and hoped the rest would dwindle away.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is due home in half an hour. I am so scared. I text him to say I know there is more to come tonight and he ignored me so I text again and told him I need the truth and I am prepared cos when he didn't answer my first text I knew what it meant.

There is more to come. I don't want to do this!

I feel sick, can't eat and the panic is hitting. I just want to run away.

[This message edited by olwen at 11:00 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That behavior with your child is unacceptable. He is teaching him to lie..and to lie to you. And he is making you out to be the enemy....him and ds against you.

He sounds like a coward. Those tears are pure manipulation.

I'd tell his mom the truth. He had an affair. And that is the truth. He wasn't scared. He wasn't playing having an affair..He had a fucking affair.


(((((Olwen))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7672 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feel like I belong in JFO. He is full of shit. Just came home and told me he was meeting her at the pub she 'used' to work in. Guess what, she still did.

He went for a ride and passed her pub that Sunday then he went to see her twice in the evenings that week. He said it was somewhere to go and have someone to talk to.

I don't believe a word he says anymore.

I am a mess. He also confessed to something weird. he told me he went out with her at lunchtimes 'as a friend' and sometimes he went to the sunbed shop with her. He said he was bored out of his brains but went to spend time with her. He confessed he used a sunbed once. Whoop de doo. like I care. why confess that?

If he was riding out to see her in the evenings then he was a lot more wrapped up in her than I thought. I have told him to leave me alone so that's all I know for now.

He still insists the sex was how it tells it.

He reckons they started as friends, then started going out at lunch and texting at night then at the start of week3 he 'stumbled' across her pub. He told her at work the next day and she said pop in for a drink when she was working so he went up twice in that week. That's the week they kissed, he got his lighter from down her top and that they had sex.

Basically it sounds like that week they practically lived together. Work all day. out at lunch, texting or going to the pub in the evenings. Getting physical at work. Then the sex.

I have told him I can't trust a word he says.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Olwen!!

Oi! It sounds like he is habitually the victim and minimizing things. I read your profile and every step of the way he casts himself as being forced to do everything and he just had to unwillingly go along. Perhaps he even fooled himself "I didn't want it, I'm not a bad guy, I just had to" afterwards.

He's not a victim. He's a grown man. He made the choices he made, and until he owns up to his own behaviors, choices, and the consequences of his actions I don't see how he'll ever change.

That he's having your child lie to you and "play sides" is troubling. Is he normally so emotionally manipulative to you and your child? Lying to cast themselves as victims and you as "making them scared" to tell the truth??? Doing the minimum and then lying about it until you ask the right question?

If he admits to himself that he made the choices he did, he chose to do the actions (short of her actually raping him, I don't see how him wanting/not wanting it is actually relevant) - what will he have to admit about himself?

Nearly all cheaters on here felt guilt and "shouldn't be doing this" and "I don't want to cheat on my BS" and "I really want to pull out of this but just can't" at some point, sometimes for the entire affair. That's their conscious. And they push it aside and continue acting anyway. Does having a conscious downplay at all the choices they made? No, if anything I think it amplifies those choices BUT it also offers them the chance of remorse since they can give into the feelings of guilt and start acting on *those* rather than pushing them aside. Feel truly empathetic.

But if he, a year later, is still unable to be accountable and take responsibility for his own actions, how will he ever fix himself?


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 713 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the thing you need most to start to feel safe and stable is the one thing he will never give you. And it sounds like he was raised in a "whatever goes to cover your ass" family.

He's not going to be honest with you and you can't make him want to. So here you are.

You have a spouse who thinks nothing of lying to get what he wants and to avoid responsibility. He is now teaching your son his way of living. You are very limited with your options and he takes advantage of that.

You need to find a way to get far away from him. Even if not for your sake, do it for your son's. This man is toxic.

Stop arguing with him. He is a man child and it gets you nowhere. He twists things and dances around with words. Stop it. I think it's to keep you off balance.

Start the 180, do as much as you are able to with the 180 list. Most importantly start to pull back from him. Reach out to friends and family, even distant ones. This is a crisis situation and you neef any and all help that is available.

Contact any place like a woman's shelter or domestic abuse center, explain your limitations and needs and ask for help or ideas.

As long as you stay, he will not change. I know you are limited in mobility but he is the parasite living off of you. You need to pull this tick off, before he drains you of blood.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1862 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help but there is none in the real world. I have no family I can rely on, no friends, I can't leave my own front door without help. He was right I can't handle the truth.

I have been informed that my son only 'confessed' to make me happy!when daddy came home he told him. what a mess!

H is sat in the front room watching telly and ignoring me.

I don't know what to do. I can't use the phone, I can't raise my son alone, I can't stay with a man being so cold and heartless. He hasn't even shed a tear just gave me the facts then said in a cold voice 'I'm sorry, I love you, I was trying to save you some pain and I hate what I did' like he was reading from an autocue. I hate that arrogant cold side to him.

I will post more, probably all evening but don't want each post to be too long. I don't expect anyone to read my self pitying drivel. I'm hoping typing will help I don't know.

[This message edited by olwen at 3:44 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even the mental health team in my area is shite. I have used the crisis team in the past and they did me a lovely care plan that involved calling them, having a warm bath and a hot chocolate. all so they cam turn up and tell me to have a warm drink and go to bed.

I got out of the psych ward by pretending I was fine and they just accepted it. I took a serious od last year. I took the pills first thing in the morning, was unconscious til 3am. woke up with a dr standing over me. He asked was I going to try again and I said no. He called me a taxi. A drugged woman in her pajamas with social phobia being sent home alone in a taxi in the middle of the night.

That's the sort of care I received. They called H first luckily and he came to get me, all the while raving at how irresponsible the hospital had been. He was going to write letters and go to the papers etc etc. He did nothing.

Then after my dad dies he drops the bomb. My nan died this week. Seems he waits til I have a death in the family to tell me stuff.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what did he actually say... A lot of this is repeats but I am tipsy so will probably say too much. I need to run thru it to get it in my head. Feel free to ignore...

That the first 2 weeks of the affair were him getting hooked on the attention, moaning about his life with me, telling himself he can't deal with the responsibilities of being a grown up and deciding to be a teenager again. They went out together on errands at lunch, flirted at work, texted all night every night and all day at weekends. He LOVED the attention. Wasn't so bothered about her apparently, she would do cos she liked him and was giving him what he wanted. Attention. Don't forget he tried it with an ex a few years ago but got nowhere. So I guess he wasn't that fussy about who she was.

On the Sunday he went for a ride that passed through her village and saw the pub. He didn't stop. Then when he saw her the next day, or while texting that night - I don't know - he told her he had passed her pub and she invited him to drop in for a drink. He went out twice that week, at night, to see her. He went out so much on that bloody bike that I lost track.

sidenote- he moaned for years he wanted a new bike but as usual never did anything about it, just sulked. So one day I had had enough. Went on line and researched loans, looked through adverts for bikes. I actually chose the bloody thing. as soon as he gets it he gets the itch to be young again. Fecking MLC. He has confessed he used it to get attention. Driving round the town at night (we are in a holiday town that's a mecca for clubbers) enjoying all the admiring glances.

Ok, he sold it straight after the affair, I thought that meant he was remorseful.

So, wk 3. They spend all day together, text and meet up in her pub, go out at lunch. Then she puts his lighter down her top and he dived right in and got it. To impress her apparently. He did feel some guilt but it soon got drowned by 'does she want me?' thoughts. Then another day she looked like she wanted to be kissed. He must have been paying pretty close attention to her to have intuited that! But he got it wrong, she didn't kiss him back. She just stood there. That one was just a peck so the afternoon break, he tries again. He puts more effort in this time, but still no response. Apparently he didn't want or fancy her but to see if shewantedhim.

Then that night, by text, he tells her the affair has to stop. Of course he doesn't come right out and say it. He says 'I'm going to have to leave olwen if we don't stop doing this' apparently he hoped she would say don't do that. Instead she said 'forget it, we're friends' he took that to mean the affair had stopped. BUT he didn't want it to. He claims he wanted the physical side to stop but he kept on texting the next day, even more so in fact cos he didn't want to lose his attention.

So, he tells me he wants a break. That he needs to sort his head out. That he's miserable. So I look up travel lodges etc but none of them appealed to him. So I suggested his parents, he said he wouldn't get to think there so he would stay but only if I lost weight, let him go out when he wanted and do more around the house. So I agree thinking he is depressed or stressed or something. He never arranged anything ever so I looked up our local pub to see what band is playing and it's the guys that played our wedding reception. I tell him to go. He umms and ahhs all day (texting her as usual) then as evening approaches he says he may as well go. Totally blasé about it. I jokingly say 'behave yourself, leave all the young girls alone' his usual response to this would be 'don't be silly, as if I would. I only want you' instead he said 'maybe, i'll look but I won't touch' or words to that affect. I asked him what he meant and he just laughed it off saying 'nothing, just joking'.

So off he goes, he texts a few times then stops. He is texting her all night - 90 of them - including ringing her so she could hear the band OUR band ffs! Sending her pictures of them. He says he didn't invite her down cos he didn't want her there and she was on a date. I think he was scared someone would see him with another woman and tell me. So he tells her he is going home. She replies she will pick him up and give him a lift home, she' s not far away. He says no it's ok probably very half heartedly. Then he agrees.

She drives him round for ages. She says she is looking for a parking space so they could 'talk'. When she pulls up in a dark car park (where he tried to teach me to drive!) he thinks she is up to something and wants to find out so he sits and waits. Starts to think she is just going to talk and then she made her move. He says he didn't want it but when it was offered he was tempted and took it. BUT when he touched her the reality of what he had been doing hit him, she wasn't me, she felt wrong so he stopped and when she offered the back seat he just did it cos it had gone so far he may as well. BUT it felt wrong, nasty and he couldn't do it.

BUT he HAS admitted he wanted it, that he couldn't resist temptation and decided to take what was offered. NOT because he was soooo worried what I would do, not because he was sooooo panicked he couldn't think what to do. NOT out of fear. although that was a partof it he says it was more giving into temptation rather than wanting it but at least he admits to being too tempted to resist when it was in front of him. Apparently he had expected some kissing - which I found odd considering he hadn't LIKED kissing her! That if she hadn't offered sex he wouldn't have gone after it. So noble!!!

But he still insists he didn't like it. Same graphic reasons and that he didn't wake up til he started then he felt he couldn't stop. Knowing him he didn't want to hurt his little friend's feelings. He swears he stopped. That he finally remembered me - wow, I am honoured. And he couldn't continue.

Then apparently he went all moody on her in the hope she would get the message and stop the A. Of course she didn't so he carried on like her little lap dog with the texting, even a couple of errands at lunch until he started avoiding her rather than say no to her!! When that grand plan didn't work he pretty much arranged for her to come and get her nails done, gave her my number and everything. again, a total wimp. He was trying to talk about me more - wow, such loyalty - and mentioned I was doing nails. She saw some pics and said they were lovely so H texts me and tells me. Me, having no clue about the A said to tell her I would do her nails any time but I was still practicing (since stopped the hobby)H only went and told her that! So she said yes and asked for my number ad he gave it to her!!! Next thing I know she is here and he is so cagey and she said so much odd stuff that I realised what was going on. She finished it first thing on Monday morning at work. Poor him, that was when I started asking questions.

I got, 'we're just good friends, we only text!' then when I saw it in his face he claimed a bit too close but nothing in it. Then I get the phone records, all hell breaks loose and he admits an EA (once I had looked it up cos I knew it was some form of cheating) then when I got recurrent oral thrush he admitted to kissing. Then out of guilt on fathers day he tells me they had sex. The last year I have tried my hardest to believe him but I KNEW there was more.

Finally, yesterday I remember a village money withdrawal and now I am here tonight, floor pulled from under me again. NOT by what he did. The pub visits were a shock, such an obvious thoughtless, guiltless thing to do. To leave me at home when he goes out on a date with her, then come home like nothing happened! I guess this was a real affair after allI thought it was bad enough him saying' night night love you' when I went to bed and then go right back to texting her. It's not finding out he couldn't resist temptation anymore than any other cheater. It's the LIES. Everyday for over a year I have asked him daily if he has told me the truth. Everyday he has sworn on our lives he has told me everything. Last night he promised me... but I saw the chink in his manner.

and here I am stuck, scared, sick, heartbroken and very very angry.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Typing has helped. I am ok, just really really angry! I will find a way through this.

BTW I gave him one olive branch. I told him if he got himself on here and used it to get help I would work on things. He refused. He doesn't even like me coming on here. I guess I know why now. He got called out big time by the ww's and won't come back.

He said he had faced what he had done and didn't need to tell me everything to be remorseful. That there was no need to hurt me as long as he realised what he had done and learned from it.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't take your pills with alcohol. I know you are hurting and very, very angry. And rightly so, if I could, I would beat the crap out of him for you.

Reconciliation is hard. It sucks when they lie and swear to God they are telling the truth. I just finally had to let it go. Once I was certain that the affair was over and he was no longer talking to her, the length and details of the affair became less and less important. I already know the worst or it. I get it hon, it drives you crazy wanting to know the truth, begging for the truth. That is why I finally let it go. I know some see this as rug sweeping, but obsessing over whether the affair started in October or December was killing me.

Maybe for now, just try not to let it get to you. Try for the next 24 hours to relax, watch a movie, sit outside and read a book, play a game with your son. Ignore your WH's childish antics. Be kind to yourself. It will get better!


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I have is my vodka and pills and the knowledge from previous attempts on just how much I need to take.

olwen, I'm going to be very gentle here, but I do mean this with everything I have inside of me:

You cannot continue to think this way. You are allowing this idiot and some lesbian pig to take over your life. And I'm sorry - but statements like this are frightening. I can only imagine how your WH feels. I cannot stand lying, but the fact that you actually attempted suicide after learning of the texting, and are discussing it again - I do NOT think he is right for covering things up, but I can certainly understand why he feels a need to do so. The environment in your home is beyond toxic. You're contemplating an overdose. Your son is stuck between a lying parent and a (probably) visibly upset parent. Your husband is lying to try to maintain some kind of calm but that's not working.

I think you need to call the mental help providers. Yes, they shouldn't have sent you home, but they did because you lied to them. This time, be honest. Tell them that you're depressed, that your H is lying to you, and you need help to get through this. Please, call them.

Your son needs you. He does, and he needs a mom that is mentally able to be there for him. Right now, you aren't. Please seek help, for him.

I pray you find some peace, and not in an OD or a bottle. Please call them, or call a family member and talk to them. Please talk to someone.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS)) Olwen I agree with painfulpast.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6805 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
blackbirdfly
♀ New Member
Member # 41131
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Olwen

I don't know your WH but I do know the story - because it's pretty much the same one I got. For three years. And after three years, I found out my WH's A was not a little backseat sex fling but a 3 month or more affair. With hotels and secret emails and plans for their future.

It nearly destroyed me to hear it all but also finally relieved all the nagging doubts. My WH's story never made sense and the way he continuously changed it was abusive and made me feel insane.

When you hear the truth, it will feel like the truth. And I think you know you don't have it. I used to come and post what my H had told me - hoping for verification, for someone to say "yeah, that's probably it!"

It made me feel crazy. It made me feel like dying was the only way to stop the pain. I couldn't possibly see how I could ever be ok, much less our marriage. Even as I type this I'm incredulous that I'm as "ok" as I am today.

I'm still married. Sort of in R, though I have had to draw some hard lines about how I am treated. But I couldn't force the truth. And that sucked and was awful and painful.

I don't know what's best for your marriage but I do know that the only think you can do right now is focus on YOUR health and YOUR needs. He is still operating in manipulative survival mode and telling you what he wants you to know. And it will continue to break you down unless you can stop making that your focus.

I hope I'm not too harsh - I'm just reading this and it feels like I'm reading my own words from months ago. And it took me too long to realize I can get better whether my H chose to or not.

If posting here is your best option, just do it as much as you need, but please also continue looking for real life help and support.

Hugs and strength to you.


Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38

Kids, yes.

Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.


Posts: 48 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

olwen..please check in.

He isn't worth it. But YOU are. Your son is. Fuck him. The way he treats you is nothing short of abuse. And he knows it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7672 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 30
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