Hello everyone. I am more sorry for this thread than I can say. I did my usual trick of asking for the truth then freaking out when I got it. I had no one to talk to so I poured it all out here. I am sorry for the people that read my freakout thoughts but I am not sorry I typed. It helped so much and stopped me doing anything stupid.
I need to find better ways to deal with my world falling apart than always seeing suicide as my only option.
Things are very different this morning and I need to explain some other things so maybe I can explain some of why this is not all his fault.
He has tried on many different occasions to tell me the truth but every time I freak out and then he minimises cos he can't stand to see me losing it. Of course it's not all me. He kept things back so he didn't have to face them either.
Last night when he left me alone was because he didn't know what to do. I was drinking and typing things on here and he left me to cope in my own way as he didn't think I wanted him anywhere near me. Considering I told him to get out of my sight that's not surprising. He said he was so cold when he told me as the only way he could tell me was to spit it out and he was scared how I would react. Justifiably so I would say.
Things are very different now. He went to work this morning but only to talk to his boss. They know all about the affair as he told them so they wouldn't ask him to interact with Ap and to get them to move her to another part of the building. Anyway, his boss told him he could come home and be here for me if I needed him.
He came in, sat down with me and we went through everything.
Tbh the only really new thing is the 2 visits to the pub she worked in, during the week it turned into a PA. Of course that has changed things as it shows they were much closer than I thought they were.
He has made it very clear to me that it WAS a REAL affair. He said he was like a drug addict, he couldn't be with her enough, he couldn't get enough attention and was following her round constantly. He completely put me and DS out of his thoughts. He felt like a single man and acted like one. He made it clear HE did the chasing. She encouraged him and did all the usual AP things but he desperately wanted all that.
Things have also changed about the sex but not so much and nothing he hasn't tried to tell me before.
He didn't plan to have sex but he knowingly sat in that car park fully aware something was going to happen. He expected her to make a pass but not full on sex. He wanted to fool around and get his validation but he didn't plan on sex
BUT -when it was offered he couldn't resist the temptation. It wasn't lust, more curiosity, a chance to have sex with someone new and a no one need know mentality. He found this really hard to admit.
He still maintains the sex was bad though. He said when he touched her she felt horrible and woke him up so he stopped. But then he felt he couldn't say no to full sex.
BUT - and this is vital info to me and makes me believe him.
He said if she hadn't felt so nasty, dry and wrong, that he may not have woken up and would probably have gone through with sex and enjoyed it. It was only because she didn't feel 'right' that he woke up and the guilt came flooding in. It was a shock that shocked him out of the fog but then he didn't feel he could refuse full sex so he tried but she felt like sandpaper inside and he hated it. THAT'S why he stopped. He wasn't enjoying it so his conscience kicked in and he couldn't carry on.
He admits if he had enjoyed it he would like to think his conscience would still have kicked in, but probably not as he was so wrapped up in the affair and in how she made him feel about himself.
So now I feel, deep down, I really do have the truth. It's too brutal to be anything else. I was desperate last night but I had a good sob this morning and after he came home and we talked I feel bizarrely better. Hopeful that now I feel I have the truth maybe we can finally start again.
I know he lied and I have told him trust and sex are going to be hard to get back until I feel safe and confident that he is not lying to me at all about anything.
BUT I did give him a 24 hr amnesty and he took it. So I don't feel it's a deal breaker, more a possible move towards a more honest relationship and a fresh start although it will be far from easy. I feel he has been honest and I understand why it was so hard to tell me the truth. With my depression so bad and my suicidal tendencies it must have seemed easier to tell me as little as possible to save me pain. Thing is it caused more in the end.
He says that's why he has lashed out a few times, why his moods have been all over and he has been so defensive. Because he was still lying to me.
I really think I have it all now because
1) he immediately offered to get a loan for a polygraph event though previously it was all excuses, we can't afford it, they're not accurate, you won't believe the results etc etc.
2) he told me he was not the man I thought he was. That he had acted like a typical cheater, was a typical cheater and when given the chance for sex he took it.
3) that he did it cos he wanted to
4)that he didn't even think of me until he realised he didn't like touching her. It took actually having sex and not liking it to make him even remember I existed.
5) that he admits if she hadn't been the way she was physically, he would probably have enjoyed the sex and finished. Probably even repeated it and getting caught up in a long term affair.
6) that he didn't really love me at that time.
7) and this is HUGELY important to me. He IS going to start using SI again. This time admitting responsibility for his choices and not blaming her or me. He is going to ask for support and help and take all he gets from the WS's (which I hope will be support and not too many 2x4's).
8) he is no longer against me coming on here. He is encouraging me too. He said he only had a problem because you all knew he was lying.
9) we sat down and talked to DS together. He has seen me cry too much and heard too many muffled rows for us to not say anything. Last year H just told him daddy got too close to another lady and its hurt mummy badly. This time we didn't say much more only added that we haven't managed to get over it because daddy was keeping secrets and now mummy knows she is upset all over again but we will be fine. Then we had a chat about the importance of trust and honesty and how lying only hurts people. He is 9 so he isn't daft and bless him he took it in his stride. He was just relieved to know he didn't need to worry and that mummy would be ok in time.
I really feel he has been honest and I hope I can face the truth and not run from it like I always do. I really need some strength sending my way if anyone has any spare.
I really hope I can get over this and we can have the happy marriage we had all those years ago.
I almost forgot. He also told me a lot about how he really felt before, during and after the affair. That he has a problem with needing constant attention from anyone if he isn't getting it from me. That he felt I didn't love him anymore after DS was born cos he wasn't the centre of my world and attention.
He said the affair was an overgrown child stamping his feet and being moody and withdrawn cos he wasn't getting all my attention and then going off and getting it where he could.
It's a lot for him to admit and face up to and it means a lot he is willing to be so open with me.
I have told him we need to start right back at the beginning cos the trust has gone. I need to accept the truth and not run from it. He needs to look hard at himself and help me recover not get defensive, blame shift, gas light or lash out verbally.
We have a lot of work to do and I am not sure of him yet but I will give him the chance to make changes and support me and see what happens.
Coming home from work and actually sitting me down and pouring it all out is definitely new and encouraging.
So I will say the words I never wanted to say. You were all right. I am sorry I didn't listen to you, that I argued with you, that I believed his lies.
The only thing that he was honest about was that he didn't enjoy the sex BUT he now admits that was a purely physical thing. She has problems with being very dry. skin, hair nails so it fits. There is also a medical condition nick named sandpaper vagina and is common in women who are dehydrated. He would not have known this. THIS is why I believe him.
The key thing is. If she hadn't had this problem and been such a shock to him then the odds are he would have enjoyed the sex and ended up even more involved, even though he prefers to think he wouldn't and it's hypothetical.
The only reason he didn't enjoy the sex was she felt so different and in his words 'just wrong' to him that he even came out of the fog at all.
He saw the grass wasn't as green as he thought and it woke him up.
That's so hard to take, so in my book and my gut, it's the truth. Therefore it doesn't matter if he enjoyed it or not. He intended to enjoy it and couldn't resist temptation so the rest doesn't matter.