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User Topic: Did I over react?
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. I am more sorry for this thread than I can say. I did my usual trick of asking for the truth then freaking out when I got it. I had no one to talk to so I poured it all out here. I am sorry for the people that read my freakout thoughts but I am not sorry I typed. It helped so much and stopped me doing anything stupid.

I need to find better ways to deal with my world falling apart than always seeing suicide as my only option.

Things are very different this morning and I need to explain some other things so maybe I can explain some of why this is not all his fault.

He has tried on many different occasions to tell me the truth but every time I freak out and then he minimises cos he can't stand to see me losing it. Of course it's not all me. He kept things back so he didn't have to face them either.

Last night when he left me alone was because he didn't know what to do. I was drinking and typing things on here and he left me to cope in my own way as he didn't think I wanted him anywhere near me. Considering I told him to get out of my sight that's not surprising. He said he was so cold when he told me as the only way he could tell me was to spit it out and he was scared how I would react. Justifiably so I would say.

Things are very different now. He went to work this morning but only to talk to his boss. They know all about the affair as he told them so they wouldn't ask him to interact with Ap and to get them to move her to another part of the building. Anyway, his boss told him he could come home and be here for me if I needed him.

He came in, sat down with me and we went through everything.

Tbh the only really new thing is the 2 visits to the pub she worked in, during the week it turned into a PA. Of course that has changed things as it shows they were much closer than I thought they were.

He has made it very clear to me that it WAS a REAL affair. He said he was like a drug addict, he couldn't be with her enough, he couldn't get enough attention and was following her round constantly. He completely put me and DS out of his thoughts. He felt like a single man and acted like one. He made it clear HE did the chasing. She encouraged him and did all the usual AP things but he desperately wanted all that.

Things have also changed about the sex but not so much and nothing he hasn't tried to tell me before.

He didn't plan to have sex but he knowingly sat in that car park fully aware something was going to happen. He expected her to make a pass but not full on sex. He wanted to fool around and get his validation but he didn't plan on sex

BUT -when it was offered he couldn't resist the temptation. It wasn't lust, more curiosity, a chance to have sex with someone new and a no one need know mentality. He found this really hard to admit.

He still maintains the sex was bad though. He said when he touched her she felt horrible and woke him up so he stopped. But then he felt he couldn't say no to full sex.

BUT - and this is vital info to me and makes me believe him.

He said if she hadn't felt so nasty, dry and wrong, that he may not have woken up and would probably have gone through with sex and enjoyed it. It was only because she didn't feel 'right' that he woke up and the guilt came flooding in. It was a shock that shocked him out of the fog but then he didn't feel he could refuse full sex so he tried but she felt like sandpaper inside and he hated it. THAT'S why he stopped. He wasn't enjoying it so his conscience kicked in and he couldn't carry on.

He admits if he had enjoyed it he would like to think his conscience would still have kicked in, but probably not as he was so wrapped up in the affair and in how she made him feel about himself.

So now I feel, deep down, I really do have the truth. It's too brutal to be anything else. I was desperate last night but I had a good sob this morning and after he came home and we talked I feel bizarrely better. Hopeful that now I feel I have the truth maybe we can finally start again.

I know he lied and I have told him trust and sex are going to be hard to get back until I feel safe and confident that he is not lying to me at all about anything.

BUT I did give him a 24 hr amnesty and he took it. So I don't feel it's a deal breaker, more a possible move towards a more honest relationship and a fresh start although it will be far from easy. I feel he has been honest and I understand why it was so hard to tell me the truth. With my depression so bad and my suicidal tendencies it must have seemed easier to tell me as little as possible to save me pain. Thing is it caused more in the end.

He says that's why he has lashed out a few times, why his moods have been all over and he has been so defensive. Because he was still lying to me.

I really think I have it all now because

1) he immediately offered to get a loan for a polygraph event though previously it was all excuses, we can't afford it, they're not accurate, you won't believe the results etc etc.

2) he told me he was not the man I thought he was. That he had acted like a typical cheater, was a typical cheater and when given the chance for sex he took it.

3) that he did it cos he wanted to

4)that he didn't even think of me until he realised he didn't like touching her. It took actually having sex and not liking it to make him even remember I existed.

5) that he admits if she hadn't been the way she was physically, he would probably have enjoyed the sex and finished. Probably even repeated it and getting caught up in a long term affair.

6) that he didn't really love me at that time.

7) and this is HUGELY important to me. He IS going to start using SI again. This time admitting responsibility for his choices and not blaming her or me. He is going to ask for support and help and take all he gets from the WS's (which I hope will be support and not too many 2x4's).

8) he is no longer against me coming on here. He is encouraging me too. He said he only had a problem because you all knew he was lying.

9) we sat down and talked to DS together. He has seen me cry too much and heard too many muffled rows for us to not say anything. Last year H just told him daddy got too close to another lady and its hurt mummy badly. This time we didn't say much more only added that we haven't managed to get over it because daddy was keeping secrets and now mummy knows she is upset all over again but we will be fine. Then we had a chat about the importance of trust and honesty and how lying only hurts people. He is 9 so he isn't daft and bless him he took it in his stride. He was just relieved to know he didn't need to worry and that mummy would be ok in time.

I really feel he has been honest and I hope I can face the truth and not run from it like I always do. I really need some strength sending my way if anyone has any spare.

I really hope I can get over this and we can have the happy marriage we had all those years ago.

I almost forgot. He also told me a lot about how he really felt before, during and after the affair. That he has a problem with needing constant attention from anyone if he isn't getting it from me. That he felt I didn't love him anymore after DS was born cos he wasn't the centre of my world and attention.

He said the affair was an overgrown child stamping his feet and being moody and withdrawn cos he wasn't getting all my attention and then going off and getting it where he could.

It's a lot for him to admit and face up to and it means a lot he is willing to be so open with me.

I have told him we need to start right back at the beginning cos the trust has gone. I need to accept the truth and not run from it. He needs to look hard at himself and help me recover not get defensive, blame shift, gas light or lash out verbally.

We have a lot of work to do and I am not sure of him yet but I will give him the chance to make changes and support me and see what happens.

Coming home from work and actually sitting me down and pouring it all out is definitely new and encouraging.

So I will say the words I never wanted to say. You were all right. I am sorry I didn't listen to you, that I argued with you, that I believed his lies.

The only thing that he was honest about was that he didn't enjoy the sex BUT he now admits that was a purely physical thing. She has problems with being very dry. skin, hair nails so it fits. There is also a medical condition nick named sandpaper vagina and is common in women who are dehydrated. He would not have known this. THIS is why I believe him.

The key thing is. If she hadn't had this problem and been such a shock to him then the odds are he would have enjoyed the sex and ended up even more involved, even though he prefers to think he wouldn't and it's hypothetical.

The only reason he didn't enjoy the sex was she felt so different and in his words 'just wrong' to him that he even came out of the fog at all.

He saw the grass wasn't as green as he thought and it woke him up.

That's so hard to take, so in my book and my gut, it's the truth. Therefore it doesn't matter if he enjoyed it or not. He intended to enjoy it and couldn't resist temptation so the rest doesn't matter.

[This message edited by olwen at 7:45 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im glad you're feeling better. Please don't apologize to us, or anyone else, for your feelings.

Look, this is TT. It hurts. It pisses you off. It shows he has minimized the extent of the A, and that he is still lying. After nearly 2 years, this is bullshit.

Stop feeling bad that it made you angry. Of course it did!

However...the things he has said he will do..are a step in the right direction..finally. But only a baby step. He has to follow through with all of them now. And *that* will show you if he is remorseful and no longer being selfish. It will take a real effort on his part, and he will need to be consistent, completely honest, patient, and understand that this will take a LONG time to heal. But it has to start sometime..right? If you now finally have the truth, you can start today...right now. But he also needs to understand that with TT, comes more damage. Your healing has just been set back..because real healing doesn't begin until you have the truth.

Oh..and that polygraph he offered to take? Take him up on that. Insist. Don't think because he offered it means he is being honest. Many waywards offer, thinking their BS will back down.

Please do something nice for yourself today.


FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7369 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We understand the pain you must be feeling and being limited physically must make you feel very trapped.

You don't have to apologize to us. We are concerned. You need to be your own solid rock for a while at least, and also for your son. Don't give up looking for help. I imagine it can feel so defeating but you can't give up. You need you and your son needs you too.

With the bullshit he is teaching your son, that boy needs you more than ever. If you can't help teach him that lying and manipulation is wrong then he's going to grow up carrying himself the way your husband does.

We understand feeling exhausted, feeling defeated, being tired of being the only one facing reality. You are justified in feeling like giving up but know those feelings can get better too. We want you to commit to the fight because it's really the only choice, the only chance to survive this. You are the best thing going for yourself and your son.

If posting here helps then keep doing it. You can express all the negative things you feel right here.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1730 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a way I feel better as I am sure now I have the truth.

H has ice blue eyes and for the past year all I have seen in them is a strange look when I ask questions, cold and hard like he was hiding something. I thought it was guilt because I could see fear and panic in them. He had defensive eyes. He also looked at the floor or to the side every time he answered a question. I thought he was just trying to remember so he could answer my questions. Other times he would stare into my eyes like he was trying to convince me. I fell for that but this morning he has looked straight at me when he answered my questions and I saw such a change.

This morning I saw the eyes of my old H. I haven't seen them in so long I didn't realise until i looked into them this morning. They were warm, concerned, devastated, loving and open. No challenge, no coldness. The complete opposite. He is also talking like there is no tomorrow. Opening up like a book.

He spent ages explaining to me how, when he realised she was playing him the same way he was playing her, he felt stupid and embarrassed. How he felt like a mug for believing she did and for chasing after her. that he can't believe he did that. That was hard for him. He always made out like he didn't care so for him to admit how he had made a fool of himself was a big thing. He is clearly ashamed.

I don't know about the polygraph. It's a lot of debt on top of what we already have. Plus my gut is quiet right now. What he is saying makes sense.

I feel I have the truth and that can be start to a new future.

He knows I will not take anything more from him. I am going to come up with a plan for if he lies or cheats again.

I am sure he won't cheat again cos I have seen what it has done to him as well as me but if I don't see the promised changes I will go. I have been thinking and I will ask him to leave if he does. He offered last night. He said if I needed space he would leave for a while if I didn't want to be around him. Previously he has refused to leave. His whole demeanour has changed.

If anything else comes up, if he doesn't keep up with his promises, if things don't start to get better now I have worked out that I can cope. I have his mum who does the school run for me. I have on line shopping. I would get by. It would be hard but I would get by.

For some reason I don't understand I feel deeply sad but also at peace. How is that possible? It's like the weight of suspicion has been lifted off my shoulders and replaced with' my god this hurts but maybe we can get past this now'.

He knows we need to start back at day one and he has so much work to do. I hope he will. He is busy in the day at work and is playing with our son right now so I can be on here getting some support but he says he will set some time aside each night to come on here and get the help he needs.

I want my old H back. I haven't seen him in years. Today he looks and sounds like him again. Albeit a very sad, guilt ridden, frightened H.

I can't reassure him all will be well. He knows he has to earn that, but I am hopeful.

I keep remembering all the times he tried to tell me the truth but I reacted so badly he pulled back. I have been pulled up for that on here, and rightly so. How can I expect the truth if I react in that way? I have even told him at times that if he is lying I didn't want to know as I couldn't handle it and knew enough already. Of course then I couldn't live with the doubts and started pushing for the truth again. He would deny and deny, then crack and start telling me and I would lose it and then we would both minimise and back pedal. It's been a mess and I have my own blame to take in this dragging on so long. I have to face the truth this time.

The affair was all on him but the other stuff, well I have been a mess, I can't have been easy to open up to and I really need to work on that. I can't blame him for everything even as angry as I was last night.

[This message edited by olwen at 9:07 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is scary. the story you told about the car almost matches what my WW told me ... although she was the one that got masturbated, wanted to get in the back seat with him, and then they had sex (she swears with condom). they worked together (he was in a band, she worked for the band) and a few weeks after she was fired.

reading this story has triggered me REALLY hard. ouch.

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

Posts: 541 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Olwen, I am so relieved you are feeling some peace. TT is emotional abuse and very damaging. The truth heals and he is making the first steps. I hope you and he can feel that you are in this together and work towards R, it will be so much better for your son as well.

I think you have a long road ahead, but it must feel good to breath again. Keep strong and know you were right all along - trust that gut of yours.

DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 438 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you KatieG I really appreciate your kind words.

I am so sorry you triggered reading this (((William)))

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really hoping we can get through this.

He has just told me he is going to read, how to help you spouse heal, again. He started to ask 'do you want me to....?' but he stopped himself and said 'I'm going to re read 'how to help' again, I need to take it in now I am not hiding anything. I didn't really listen last time cos I was still hiding stuff from you',

I suggested he read 'not just friends' too. He has never bothered before but I think he will this time. I am not going to mention it again just let him know where it is, read it again myself, then let him know when I have finished with it and see if he picks it up.

Also he has been home all day, helping me, holding me and talking - not letting me minimise, letting me just cry, reassuring me. When he hasn't been doing that he has been playing with DS when I have wandered round like a zombie. He even got DS his lunch without me asking.

Only time will tell... every other dday he has dumped and ran off to work so this is very different.

He has a long haul ahead of him but he has been more open today than in a long time. He isn't avoiding talking about anything.

It's going to take many months before I feel safer, if I ever do, but things feel very different today.

[This message edited by olwen at 1:21 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you guys aren't able to do IC or MC, there are a lot of things you can work through with the Not Just Friends book if you're both reading it that might help.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 499 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I got quite a nice surprise this morning when I found the audiobook missing from my cupboard. He has taken it into work to load onto his mp3.

I have some real specific questions not so think I will start a new thread as I don't want this to get lost in here. I need advice and help understanding.

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 30
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