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User Topic: BH seeking input from WW - topic sex
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has indicated but not detailed something about how the AP was more masculine and had this sexual energy about them that I apparently had lacked, I will spare other detail, but my questions to WWs (in particular) are this:

Q1: If you felt the sexual enjoyment of your affair was really good, did if really seem so good after the fog lifted, or did the clearing of your mind bring new truth to the subject?

Q2: If you lost the desire for your BH, how did you get it back? Our bedroom is ice cold and both of us are having incredible trouble wanting to reingage.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

steppingup - I'm a BH here and not a WW, however, I don't think you should spend much time worrying about these questions.

Based on your profile, these statements come from a unremorseful, foggy, blameshifting WW. Spending too much time trying to understand how she is processing information in this state of mind is not much use because it is her that has the problem and not you. It makes her feel better about herself thinking there is so magical sexual reason why she did what she did and you are partially to blame. Don't buy it - it is simply someone not able to take responsibility for their actions.

Any man who is willing to cheat with another man's wife doesn't score very high in the masculine department. Your WW is dilusional if she views that type of behaviour as masculine.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO RP, you are correct in all that you say, quite wise at that. The term "magical" is actually one she used. I have read before that WSs have these distorted view/experience which is amplified with the infactuation/love that cheaters get, the cheaters "high" and in these conditions they experience soemthing that might not be at all real.. Thanks for your post sir. Many regards, Step.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are correct in all that you say, quite wise at that.

I spent the first few months after DDay trying to put myself into my wife's shoes to try to understand her thinking process. Eventually I figured out how pointless of a process that is. We need to get the why's figured out and all but trying to rationalize the rest of the thought process is useless in the end.

In your case, 180 is what is probably your best course of action given that your WW has not gone NC yet. If you do talk about the A with her and she wants to talk about these "magical" things with you - I suggest you be a bit on the rude side. If she uses the word "magical" again - I would just break out into laughter. Followed by some witty retort back like "I doubt you and your magical bf's relationship would last 6 months if you lived together" or "must take a real man to be ok to sleep with another man's wife" or whatever sarcastic comment you want to fire back. Your WW needs a serious wake up call. If you are nicely engaging in a conversation regarding her "magical" feelings towards her AP you are just reinforcing in her delusional mind that this may really be a possible reason to her problems.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here,

I agree 100% with what RP said. Your WW will not be happy with any real relationship sex until she sorts out her distorted thinking. If she was in a real,relationship with her AP the word "magical" would magically disappear from her vocabulary. The problem is with your WW, not you.

My sexual desire was negatively impacted by my feelings about myself and sex. Some of my issues came from CSA that was stuffed and never processed. IC, SI, and books have helped me start to deal with it. My desire for my BH is healthy and strong along with the tremendous love and respect I have for him.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"must take a real man to be ok to sleep with another man's wife"

I have said very similar things in MC. I told her she was acting like a coward and if she really felt she wanted to be with the kind of man that would prey upon a married woman then she could leave.

*Crickets*

Yes, it's good to realize the rationalization process is nothing more than BULL CRAP heated to perfection served on a bed of lies.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit, if my WW had said that the sex with the mOM was magical, I would have packed all of her crap in a magical box and left it on the hood of her car.

Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2010
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW here. My AP definitely had more sexual energy than my H. At least for me he did. My H always wanted me to initiate, rejected me at least three quarters of the time I did initiate, and the times he didn't, had me do all of the work anyway and had some type of criticism about my performance or my looks. My AP on the other hand, while obviously not a paragon of virtue, went after me with a passion that was too exciting to turn down.

I never lost the desire for my H but he seems to have lost it for me. More so since I was discovered. The honest truth.


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stepping up, rather than spend a whole lot of repeating the wise words of RP, I'll just direct you to my signature line.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My personal opinion is that 'passion' is a nonsense concept...like 'happiness'. Elusive and ephemeral. All that time and energy is spent on the pursuit of those two things instead of learning to be OK with what we already have.

WS and APs have passion because they're flooded with brain chemicals...dopamine, norepinephrine, etc....that shit doesn't last forever, man. It's not supposed to. That's honeymoon-phase garbage. It's not a mature relationship, and anyone searching for a relationship that maintains that initial rush of blood to the head is going to constantly on a search for that next high, that next person, that next 'fix' to keep them loopy.

Remember- Love is a verb. It's how we treat the ones we let in and keep close. It's not excitedly pawing at each other's buttons and zippers like a pair of overexcited 8th-graders. You grew up; isn't it time your wife did as well?


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH with an opinion. I just read your story and I would not in any way shape or form put any stock in what your wife says to you.

It is a fantasy world, make believe and that is how she has been living her life these past 14 years at least.

At first I thought maybe she said these cruel things to you because of defensive embarrassment at getting caught in an affair, but after reading your story, there is no reason to believe anything she tells you is real. Including this.

She is now fantasizing about men at her gym. No, don't let what she told you bother you, she needs mental help at this time.


Posts: 4119 | Registered: Jun 2002
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healingjourney - I commend you for having the courage to post outside of the wayward forum given how recent you are since your DDay. While difficult, I think it is good for WS to review the BS forums to gain a better understanding of what their BS may be going through. I read your posts and get a sense that you are doing a bit of blameshifting yourself.

You seem to have a strong opinion on your BH sexual satisfaction towards you but I think it is still tainted because you are still in the wayward fog. Your BH may very well have issues to deal with but you need to first focus on the damage that you just caused your marriage and the issues you feel your BH has take a back seat at the moment. Unless your marriage vows contained a condition on the amount of sex in your marriage, it was your actions that caused the marriage to end as you now know it and not his. Your BH will be able to better process his issues to deal with once your are safe to him again. Safe for him will mean that no matter what passion some other man will show you, you will not be tempted to break your vows again.

If you continue on your healing journey on SI, I suspect what you now believe to be the "honest truth" may change.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tearingaway: Shit, if my WW had said that the sex with the mOM was magical, I would have packed all of her crap in a magical box and left it on the hood of her car.

You never know what you're going to do in a situation, until you're in it. How many BS currently in R would've sworn they'd immediately D if their spouse cheated?

The phrase I used when I told BH was "spiritual experience," and BH was advised by SI members to Hefty-bag my sh*t, which certainly would've been a valid choice.

ITA with the others, Step, this has zero to do with you, or even the AP. It's all about your WW's delusion. Don't get sucked into the crazy.

Speaking of, apologies if this is a t/j, but I just couldn't let this one go.

My AP on the other hand, while obviously not a paragon of virtue, went after me with a passion that was too exciting to turn down.

OMFG, healingjourney, thanks for the real-life example of foggy WW delusion. Yeah, shocker, AP was excited to find an easy woman who'd put out for free, no strings attached. What a prince.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, well, as a BH who has put up with all the stuff that goes with an A, I stand by my statement.

Saying things like that simply doesn't amount to anything vaguely resembling remorse. I believe BSs work too hard to find a way to "lift the fog" with their WSs.


Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2010
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea, thank you for your response to my post. I agree that this is my fault, but we are in MC now and when the therapist asks me what kind of state I was in at the point I started cheating, well at that point I have to be honest and talk about the effect the years of rejection and criticisms had on me.
Other than that, I have been focusing only on trying to help my BH heal.


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

went after me with a passion that was too exciting to turn down

As did my WW, I'm sure it validated you completely, as it may have done with my WW. My problem is that I already suffered at the hand of my WW before and I was in a sexual trama (PTSD) as a result of it, so normally I would approach sex with caution and anxiety not acting like some Tom Cat or Bar Fool who wants nothing more than to nearly rape a woman and have his way with her to his satisfaction. I'm sure she felt like a godess. Yes that term came up too. But unlike some long term relationships before the last affair I still loved her and thougth she was sexy and I was initating sex nearly all of the time and doing all the work in bed as she just laid back and enjoyed the ride. She is an ENTITLEMENT PRINCESS.

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9

I love this so much I think I'm going to marry it. Would be an improvement.

WS and APs have passion because they're flooded with brain chemicals...dopamine, norepinephrine, etc....that shit doesn't last forever, man. It's not supposed to. That's honeymoon-phase garbage. It's not a mature relationship, and anyone searching for a relationship that maintains that initial rush of blood to the head is going to constantly on a search for that next high, that next person, that next 'fix' to keep them loopy.

Correct I studies the biochemistry and endocrinology to better understand the addiction behind some of this. No doubt the seduction mentally converts to brain chemicals which make pants and panties slip off with magical ease.

BH with an opinion. I just read your story and I would not in any way shape or form put any stock in what your wife says to you.

I realize and the MC IC has identified that she is emotionally as capable as an 11 year old girl, quite ironically the same age she was when her serial cheating dad balled out on her mom and her and went his merry why into his on F..kers fog.

It is a fantasy world, make believe and that is how she has been living her life these past 14 years at least.

Yes, pretty much the whole marriage, that has become normal for her.

ITA with the others, Step, this has zero to do with you, or even the AP. It's all about your WW's delusion. Don't get sucked into the crazy.

Yes the AP has been fooled by her too. When he found her he was just out of a LTR and on the rebound, thought he found his soulmate

The crazy, yes that's not for me I have far too much to live for. Even my WW says she thinks often that she has some kind of programmed self destruction mode and can't get out of it...ok, well then and go enjoy that...

Yeah, shocker, AP was excited to find an easy woman who'd put out for free, no strings attached. What a prince.

Yes, how convienent to come visit my wife while the kids are at school and I'm off doing 12 hour days, so nice of him to keep her company in the home I built with my own hands. So nice of her to share what I made, my sancuary my place of refuge solied....forever.

[This message edited by steppingup at 3:28 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healingjourney - Keep posting, I am only challenging your thought process to help you see things from a different perspective.

Read your last post again, so it is the MC fault for asking the question why you are doing a bit of a blameshifting dance? Do you really believe that it is your BH fault that caused you to cheat because of his rejections and criticisms? How would you feel if he said he was working late every night, but instead was having an emotional affair, going to OW house for dinner and then went on to blame you because you weren't a good cook and refused to take cooking classes?

It is being responsible for ones own actions, no one made you do any of this except you. It isn't your AP fault for showing too much passion, it isn't your BH fault for not responding to you the way that you wanted, it isn't the MC fault for asking the question.

Other than that, I have been focusing only on trying to help my BH heal.

From my perspective as a BH, I didnt want my WW to help me heal as much as I wanted her to fix her own issues so she was safe for me. As a BH, I am a responsible adult, I am fully capable of healing on my own if needed. A foggy WS can do more damage than help for a BS in their healing process.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 3:40 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea, much appreciated again. I feel hideous and remorseful for having cheated. I also felt hideous and undesirable from my husband's continued rejections and the criticisms. I don't think it is useful for me to sit there in MC and repeat over and over that I'm a dog for having done this. No, my BH didn't "make" me do it. I did it myself and I own it. But he disregarded my needs and put me down repeatedly. Yes, I should have done the honorable thing and told him either we go to counseling or get a divorce. I didn't do that and it was the worst mistake of my life.

I am definitely trying to fix my issues. I have been trying out lots of different psychotherapists trying to find the proper fit so that I never do this again. My BH has asked me for certain things as well and I am trying my best to do all of them.


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I should have done the honorable thing and told him either we go to counseling or get a divorce.

Yes and AMEN. What pain and trouble mankind would spare itself by just living by this simple truth.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Topic Posts: 19

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