I have always been so vocal about how infidelity would be the end of the line for me and he did it anyway! ....I swore I would walk out in a heartbeat if this even happened to me, but I love this man and I thought we had a really good marriage.
I see this over and over. I really wish people would reconsider their "tough talk" in early stages of relationships where they swear they'll walk if the partner cheats. I've never said this. Now you just look weak if you don't follow though. Its better to tell you partner how devastated you'd be if they cheated.
That being said, I think you should physically separate for a while at least. Can he go live at his mother's house? He needs real consequences. If you just do counseling, and continue on, he really hasn't suffered any consequences yet YOU have suffered horrible pain.
He said it wasn't even for the sex or orgasm, it's because he thinks he's trying to subconsciously ruin his life!! I think that's BS!!
Now this is rich. You're right it is complete BS. The "wanting to ruin my life" bit is just turning the focus back on "poor him" so you feel sorry for him. He did it b/c it felt good!!
My first priority would be:
1. STD tests for both
2. POLYGRAPH TEST
3. Full investigation into cell/computer. I fear you've only seen the tip of the iceburg. Most men start off online, chatting, ads, personals -- and escalate to actual in person interactions. I suspect he's been up to no good online too.
How old are you two?
My concern is he didn't feel any guilt or have any problem living his normal life while he was doing this. It was only until he got CAUGHT that he is now horrified at what he's done? Yeah right.
[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:33 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
BTW - I'm 42 and he'll be 50 this Oct. So much for the big 50th b-day plans!! He deserves nothing!
[This message edited by Betrayal10fold at 3:42 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
Know this Betrayal10fold. His cheating has nothing to do with your medical conditions. Something in him is broken which is what allowed him to do this to you and himself in the first place. There are many many other options that could have happened first including talking to you first. he needs to figure out his why he is broken in addition to figuring out why he cheated. Know that this is not your fault. While you are sorting through what to do, you can find most of the abbreviations that are used on SI here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.
Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:
And more 180 info under the target thread here:
I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Before You Say Reconcile...
On a completely separate side note, honestly your medical issues as far as I'm concerned have nothing to do with him acting out. My wife has very similar medical issues and sex was not enjoyable for either of us for a few years. Long story. But the short version is we turned towards each other, kicked down some inhibitions, and have a very enjoyable, intimate, and fun sex life together even if we can't always have "conventional" sex. This is a completely separate thing and in my opinion is not an issue as to why he did what he did. He could have turned to you first.
Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.
eta - typos
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:42 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]
Typically, handjobs is all they offer, although if you laid down $200 some places might offer more. Unless you are very well off, it's the kind of money that would be hard to hide.
Men who go there see it locally or hear about it from friends. There isn't an escalation to it per se. Because it is impersonal and typically with older fairly unattractive women, it isn't going to bring so much guilt as shame. For most, it's just a step better than masturbation. No kissing, no orgasm for the girl, and likely little attraction; you are probably hotter!
While rare, intercourse would be with a condom. These women are street smart. I'd be more worried about a co worker where unprotected means more spontanaiety and fun.
Sorry you are going through this. My suspicion is that its more than 10, but that HJ is what happened. That's what most men I know about are getting, and all they would want from there.
Feel free to PM me
[This message edited by Nitrobob at 9:12 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'
I am so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve this.
Maybe not. Had a friend used to go AMP every week. Hookers entail risk(getting arrested), and expense(fee,hotels) etc. Also sex with a condom a turn off for married men. At least the hand isn't gloved!
If you have discovered ten visits, that's what he likes.
I'm not saying there might not be more. You should check cell cards computer etc. just saying its not unheard of to go AMP like getting your haircut.
Gently, I'm assuming that you provided sex in all of the other ways besides intercourse. If not, why not? I'm trying to understand why HJ couldn't be done at home.
[This message edited by Nitrobob at 10:38 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
I just want to address something that was mentioned above:
You are NOT responsible for any of your husband's behavior. NONE. OF. IT.
It does not matter what type of sex you were having with him, how often, etc. etc. HE broke his vows. There are several members here whose spouses/partners frequented those places and we were BLINDSIDED. It certainly wasn't because we were not "providing" at home. To suggest that her husband went to these places because she is not providing at be home is simply not true. Never met Betrayal10fold, but I bet I am right.
My husband has been to AMP at least 40 times. He is a sex addict. He was molested as a child. Cold, unemotional mother. Sexual anorexia (not having sex with spouse). Started with excessive masturbation, then porn, then strip clubs, then AMP's.
I am not saying your husband is a sex addict, but I think you should research it a bit.
I hope you are taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated. Make sure you eat. Get tested. Demand to see his test results. Follow the money. Run a credit check on him. See if he has secret credit cards or outstanding loans you don't know about. My husband had both.
PM me any time. Keep posting.