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Newest Member: AmIDreaming41 (45703)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confused
Embers2Fire
♀ Member
Member # 25557
Question  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the OW. After Dday I did a lot of snooping to get the proof I needed and also so I could convince myself it was all true. During this time I uncovered plenty of personal information regarding OW I have since that time till now always known her name, number, address, and place of employment. I never confronted OW despite having the ability to find her at any given time. I am 6 yrs out from Dday and have been blessed with a whole new life, however lately I am obsessed with the desire to confront her. Why now, why. Why do I even care anymore at this point. My XWH has not been with her for over 3 yrs now. Somebody help me understand WTH is going on with me. I am so confused right now. Need some advise please.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm happy to hear that 6yrs out, you have a wonderful new life. Did something happen to trigger you to start thinking of her again? Is it possible you have not fully healed and are still trying to wrap your head around the A? I would not contact her. Why not post here what you want to say to her? Get it all out.

Posts: 36423 | Registered: Mar 2011
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is natural and may creep up from time to time.

BUT the OW along with your ex took so much from you. To confront or entertain these thoughts gives more if your power to her.

Everyone is different but for me I didn't care who she was because my ex made a vow to me. Truly she owed me nothing and who could blame her wanting a comfortable life.

I don't like her or think about her but unfortunately she is part of my story and I never asked her to join our family.

Be good to yourself and see if the feeling passes otherwise I would write it out to rid yourself of the poison.

Hang in there.


Posts: 1055 | Registered: Jul 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, but I am wondering if there is something about the 6 year mark? I know I just commented on IL's thread about anger and we are both right around the 6 year mark also. I didn't think much about it for a few years, but now the anger is rising again.

Sorry you are having these intrusive thoughts about her. She really isn't worth your attention, but are you feeling that there is something left unsaid? Do you feel you didn't get closure? Maybe you feel you need to speak your mind once and for all to get the closure you need? I agree with the others about speaking it here. To seek her out and give her any of your precious attention at all only gives away some of your power to her. She will be thinking that it still bothers you after all these years and it isn't going to make her feel bad....

Actually, I think that is how I feel about my WS also. I really want to tell him what a rotten horrible awful sociopath he is, but it won't bother him. He will just thrive on the attention.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15387 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Embers2Fire
♀ Member
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the advise. 6 yrs ago my first instinct was that she was not worthy to stand in the same space as me and I would never her have given here the pleasure of seeing how much pain she had caused me. But now I am so much better so much stronger, maybe I want her to see that she never had the power to destroy me, maybe I want to rub it in her face that even though I left my XWH and gave him the freedom to do whatever he wanted she still could not have him, despite all her whoring, he woke up and saw her for the cheap slut that she was. Maybe I want to rub it in that 6 yrs later I am married and she is still single because eventually every man can see what she really is. Maybe I just want to see the look on her face when she sees me after all these years.
I do feel like I need some sort of closure, I walked away from my marriage, my home, my job, my life and never said a word to her, I wonder if my silence made her think I was not angry or that I understood. Or maybe I should just write all the things I want to tell her in the safety of this forum. There are so many maybe's, and I just feel confused.
@ NA, maybe there is something to the 6 yr mark, it seems to have come out of nowhere, but the truth is I expressed all the anger I had about the A to my XWH so I got it all out of my system with him but I never told this home wrecking whore how I felt. I have overcome so much in the last 6 yrs I hate having this residual still living inside me


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe try writing a letter to her first here in this forum. It's safe. See if that doesn't take away some of the emotion you still have left. If that doesn't work, then you can think of other options. I do think, though, that showing you are totally happy with your new life is the best revenge because if she doesn't feel that she made much difference in your life then it will make her feel insignificant. That is a worse feeling than feeling like you caused someone misery.

The most painful thing you can do to a narcissist or someone that is very self-centered is ignore them. You know how they say negative attention is better than no attention? If it is about you wanting her to know that her actions hurt you, remember she didnt' care about that when she was whoring with your H. She isn't going to care now. She only cared about herself. If, after totally debasing herself by sleeping with someone else's man, she is left alone while everyone else has moved on, that has to really hurt. You know?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15387 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 6

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