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OWs life / My Life not comparing but...

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shygirl07 posted 7/30/2014 16:18 PM

this might be a rant and I usually dont get many replies on my posts but ive been down in the dumps lately maybe because DDay anniversary is coming up ... but I know im healing ..but just have thoughts and no one to talk to...

As I continue to heal and live a life without my WWEX , I cant help sometimes but wonder .. what my life would have been like if I had the child.. I know his now OW -who was his ex Turned Gf again - doesnt work and spends the day cleaning his house and tending to their child.. he wanted me in that role and I didnt want that for myself... that is why I resisted thing.. the A would have happened regardless of that but man it just still at times makes me question my self worth.. he threw away someone driven and passionate about life who liked to travel and cease life for someone who is happy and content being a stay at home mom and mooching off of him...

the other day I saw his friends and they told me he has found someone who accepts his drug using , never going to get out of where he lives life down in the scums and I am up in the clouds wanting more for my life and that it was evident the entire time.. basically that he has someone on his loser level...

sometimes I semi envy her life.. not having to work , being able to do whatever she wants, and she instantly earned a man with a house and property and money and she didnt have to do anything and got pregnant right away..

but then i dont envy her. depending off a man of his caliber , a cheating decieving abusive liar .. it might take me longer to have my own house and stuff but it will be MINE not someone elses that I got lucky on coming up off of.. I know I am ruminating.. ok rant done

Razor posted 7/30/2014 16:27 PM

Well to me it sounds like you are good to be rid of him. He basically held you down. Instead of rising with you he grabbed a passing anchor and is bound for the bottom.

Its hard to not compare ourselves with the OP. believe me I know this as do probably most of the BS here. In some cases (like yours) you have to wonder... *he gave me up for THAT????* WTH. In other cases (like mine) I wonder if WW is settling by staying with me.

Any comparisons with the OP leads to nests of vipers.

Right now maybe its best to just concentrate your efforts toward your own success in your career. and let the rest take care of itself. In time and when you are ready you will find someone MUCH better to be with. Believe me. there are guys out there that would swim across oceans and walk through fire just for the chance to be with someone like you.

JLyn1128 posted 7/30/2014 16:42 PM

I may be reading you wrong, if I am, I apologize. But are you insinuating that women who stay home to care for the home and children are moochers? I've been a stay at home mom, a working mom, and a working woman throughout my life. All lifestyles have value and even when I was raising my son at home (not working) I didn't think I was 'mooching' off my husband. Working mother (after divorcing the bum who was sleeping with everyone in town except me) was the hardest role I played. Turns out he wanted someone who wasn't the traditional mom, who wanted to travel and party. Something he could have told me before we got married.

Sometimes people just want different things out of life. It sounds like maybe that's what happened here. Was he upfront with you about what he wanted in life? Some men want the traditional role for themselves and their women. Some women want to play that role. That alone doesn't make them losers (you know them, I don't. I'm just making an observation about generalities.) I guess I'm saying that people should get these things out in the open before they build a life together. If you don't want that role, then you shouldn't be with a man that wants a woman in that role. And if it turns out that way, try to look for someone who wants the same things out of life and don't look back and judge yourself by anyone else's yardstick.

MailServer posted 7/30/2014 16:43 PM

Dear shygirl07:

Sounds like he just wanted something "barefoot and pregnant", and you know what that means all around.

He won't be nurturing another level of life with her and the kids, or, enjoying any milestones of a happy family, like, First Grade, first day at camp, first day of high school, proms, off to college.... He won't be planning the next step in a couple's relationship. Vacations alone, Disney World as seniors off for another great adventure after the kids launch into their own lives.

Instead of dreams there will be stale resentment.

Instead of participation in each family milestone there will be indifference in front of a laptop or television. The photo album will be bare.

Instead of intimacy there will be estrangement.

And both will attempt to find solace in another's bed. And its a good bet that it will destroy them.

And you won't be there. You will be elsewhere making your dreams come true. With someone who shares them.

That's your "ODE" to a cheating, deceiving, abusive liar.

JerseyCowgirl posted 7/30/2014 16:46 PM

I understand your train of thought...where we start to second guess ourselves. But I see you are able to pull yourself out of this. It shows you are healing more & getting back your confidence.
Always remember..
A woman never competes with another woman because it only demeans herself. You have shown who the real strong woman is here and after time she will start to look very "needy" took

JerseyCowgirl posted 7/30/2014 16:48 PM

I understand your train of thought...where we start to second guess ourselves. But I see you are able to pull yourself out of this. It shows you are healing more & getting back your confidence.
Always remember..
A woman never competes with another woman because it only demeans herself. You have shown who the real strong woman is here and after time she will start to look very "needy" to him. Bravo for being one strong lady!

Lark posted 7/30/2014 16:50 PM

Giving up who you are in order to be with him isn't a viable long-term option, so no if you'd chosen to be that wife who stayed home and raised kids, then you'd be miserable. it wouldnt' be you.

While I don't know the situation of the OW and know there's a lot of pain and anger in regards to her - I just wanted to say that there is nothing wrong in general with those who do stay home and take care of children and do not work. That they are a stay at home mom does not make them a moocher.

JerseyCowgirl posted 7/30/2014 16:52 PM

Okay I have a not-so-smart phone. Sorry for dbl post

shygirl07 posted 7/30/2014 17:14 PM

I just want to clarify to everyone because I didn't add it in the first box , I completely look up and admire stay at home moms and what you do . I don't think there is anything wrong with the man working and the woman taking care of the house and children. In my case , this woman his ex and "friend " jumped from man to man but always meddled in our relationship. We were or I thought 100-% together and growing together . But at the same time he had treated me atrociously in the past and cheated ( always lied about his cheating though ) and I had no clue he was in a huge rush for a child and a wife stay at home mom or else we would have parted ways . So it hurts I got duped also this woman always told me they were friends so when she gets with him behind my back and literaly gets pregnant 6 months after dday , it was a slap in the face .... But no disrespect to stay at home moms

Girlietoo posted 7/30/2014 17:33 PM

I wanted to reply mainly because of you comment about your posts not getting a lot of replies. I understand how it can feel like another rejection, especially when other posts get to be 10 or 15 pages long :(

Please know that lots of folks read and don't always know what to say and therefore don't reply ( I have to remind myself of this as well). I think you dodged a bullet with that guy and you have freed yourself to meet a man who will love and cherish you.

Ostrich80 posted 7/30/2014 18:30 PM

I'm a,stay at home mom and I'm a little envious of ow lifestyke...independent, owns her own home, does what she wants when she wants..well not envious of her morally depleted self but I guess my ws likes her independence too. He home with the kids but sometimes I think he resents me for it.
You may be better off without him, although it hurts to be cheated on and for his choice to betray you sucks, it sounds like he was holding you back. Drug problem...yea that's her problem now too. I hope you find someone that has the same goals and motivation as you do. I totally get what your saying though. She just kind of strolled in made her place.
I wish you an awesome future and as far as they go, they deserve each other He cheated on.his wife and she cheated with a married man..their future looks pretty bleak to me.

steadfast1973 posted 7/31/2014 07:23 AM

I can't help but feel a little sting about the mooching and "not having to work" thing. But I get what you're saying.

EAP has a good job. (In my vocation, I might add...) she has no kids. She didn't have to take several years off, because her working was costing the family more than she brings in. My education is obsolete. I basically have to start completely over with my education, despite the $37,000 in student loans, just to get my career back. She and her BH go on exotic vacations... Have a hip apartment. Se even drives the scooter I always wanted.

I've enjoyed being home with my kids, I have. But... I can't find work, now. Because of staying home. And it's because of the attitude that I've just been mooching off my husband, "doing whatever I want". Lol, any SAHM can tell you that that is so far from the truth. It wasn't until my youngest went to kindergarten that I was even able to go to the bathroom on my own. I am jealous that SHE gets to do what she wants. And I am stuck with a messy house full of people who don't clean up after themselves... Because I am not working, so I have to be the one to clean...

I don't mean that as defensive as it sounds... Just, that she is probably just as jealous of you and your perceived freedom, as you are of hers. I know EAP was jealous of me and my "ability" to stay home.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 12:43 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

LivinginLimbo posted 7/31/2014 07:44 AM

Here's a bit of irony. In one of the MOW's blog rants after she got thrown under the bus, she bitched about me being a SAHM. (I guess she ignored the fact that I went back to work when the kids were older - but she also didn't seem to notice that both she and my FWH were married.) Prior to my becoming a SAHM, my FWH and I had the same salary. When I rejoined the workforce, I never earned anything remotely close to what I once did.

Being a SAHM means giving up your independence. I've seen many SAHM BW's who express feeling trapped after discovering the cheating. I wouldn't be surprised if the OW is envious of you being self-supporting.

steadfast1973 posted 7/31/2014 12:40 PM

EAP even lives in the City I want(ed) to move to. Funny that she wanted to take my husband... She's living the life I would be living if it weren't for him! The one I sacrificed, to be with him. How fucked up is that? I should have just traded lives with her

shygirl07 posted 7/31/2014 12:46 PM

Isnt it ironic how that works ? my WWEX wanted me to move out of state w/him and not finish college and I almost did it until I realized the town he was moving to was already bankrupt so I would be job and education less .. he ended up moving without me , I found out after we broke up he had lots of different women ! wanted me to move yet when i didnt go w / him he still left and had prostitutes and drug whores ( he told me he likes "trashy" women with low ambitions because he feels superior) barfffffff

southsidecali posted 7/31/2014 13:18 PM

Don't fret, she might be gaining the pregnant & barefoot in their own home but she is also gaining all the shitpile he will bury her in eventually.

I picked someone beneath me, in every sense of the way. For me what was a partying casual relationship turned into serious because I got pregnant. I got stuck.

I was the complete opposite of his previous ex's..I exposed him to a lifestyle most ppl would LOVE and be envious to have. BUT even with that he just wasn't happy and was something he didn't really want. As quickly as he wants a "committed" relationship, he doesn't like all the responsibilities tied to that commitment.

many times I would tell him, We might want the same things in life but we just don't want them with each other. Our expectations of a "life" are at different levels.

His latest rebound gf/fiancee is a "single mom" that works 2 jobs and by all means they are engaged after 4mos- they talked engagement and wedding within a month of meeting..YEAA hes NPD, BUT she is just like him- gives the appearance of being a responsible parent. They moved in this past week because he of course can't keep roof over his head due to "my childsupport" being so outrageous! I will let you decide what kind of a "parent" and struggling single mom she is... Her 15 yr old son has serious behavior/acting out issues: suicidal(came out Bisexual), has rage issues, CUTS himself, uses drugs, sexually active(he claims someone tried accusing him of rape, almost died 3 weeks ago some heart surgery issue..what does she do? She ships him back to his grandmother to take care of him because she is working 2 jobs but every single time she has off, she is spending with the fiancee(my ex).

She definitely is not promoting any visitation or relationship between him and our kids. why would she? Why would he want someone like that impacting our kids well being?

Yes, your ex new gf/wife might be home and taking care of their kid but there is definitely more than what you might see. She knows how their relationship started and obviously she and your ex share qualities that obviously you were lacking.

Compassion, morals, virtues and honesty most of all a good human being is something that they BOTH do not value.

Count yourself lucky you weren't brought down to their level.

shygirl07 posted 7/31/2014 15:05 PM


WOW this sounds like my ex.. we broke up and immediately he moved her in and immediately she got pregnant.. its funny our waywards dont of course look at the character of these women , my wwexbfs OW had dumped him years before we met and always used him for rides and other stuff (his poor damsel in distress didnt have a car ) but she never WANTED HIM.. then I come along and date him for 7 years and suddenly the month his business is up and running she has a change of heart .. 10 years with different men after him and suddenly she wants him and he throws us away so easily...

so I can def understand your situation especially with children involved and you had me at the part about her son ! as a parent and mother she should be there helping him , that child is going to resent her and your ex and her will have to live w the resentment.although lets see how long the fantasy lasts.. sounds like you as well are way better off .. just sucks good people get hurt like us :(

momentintime posted 7/31/2014 15:08 PM

And when he dumps her, she will be a single mom raising a child with no job history, and no prospects other than finding another man to support her. In the long run you will have the much happier and secure life. Don't envy her.

shygirl07 posted 7/31/2014 16:32 PM

exactly ! and to everyone who reads my post this is what I meant by she is a moocher. .. she will find men to take care of her and she always had.. I talked to her Betrayed ex she was with right before going in for the kill with my WWex and he told me he had been paying her rent supporting her . . . she is a "hustler" in every sense.. she isnt ghetto or anything she just knows how to use her looks to her advantage.. i mean his friends have even said it that she always has toyed him around..

I in the end will have myself as a back up and she can continue to hustler these idiots...

OutoftheDeep posted 7/31/2014 17:54 PM

Shygirl, I get what you're saying. I was a SAHM all through my children's lives, still am only now I have a found a means to make money from home. As much as I know first hand how much work it is, I also know there are those who call themselves SAHMs and don't do any thing really. I always viewed being a SAHM as a job: I cleaned, cooked, my children were well cared for, I taught them things, AND (this is what I feel is also important) I was not only there for them but I did a lot for other family members as well. I have seen "SAHM"s who really do nothing, just like in all professions there are real losers.

but don't be jealous. I'll give you some examples:
My current WH's ex was a "SAHM" yet her house was hoarder filthy, her kids were disgusting, she still wanted them in daycare which WH couldn't really afford at the time, she had various drug problems, half the time didn't know where her kids even were, used family members for everything, WH would work all day, then come home and cook and clean and take care of all the kids while she sat on her butt constantly. I know this, because I've also heard it from other people and seen the way she is.

MY first marriage: exWH OW was the exact opposite of little SAHM me She was single, had a trust fund, was "fun", was "artsy", could spend as much time as possible stroking the egos of all the guys around her while the rest of us women actually had shit to do.

Current WH howorker: single working mom, likes to party with all her free time, but acts like she SUCH a spectaclular mother and her parents seem to do most of the child care always. I believe she liked to make WH (and other men) think she was such a hardworking do-it-all-herself little martyr - better than "lazy" SAHMs - even though her family does everything and on her free time she is usually drinking not to mention how much time it takes out of her parenting time to carry on an A with married men at the company and flirt with guys like my WH . What did she have, an hour a day, to be the super mom she claims?? Yeah, right...

See, OW are all kinds. Don't be jealous of her lifestyle. She has a kid with a drug addicted cheater, I can't think of a better revenge...

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