As first anniversaries of some of the key dates of the affairs begin to feel as though they are just round the corner, BW and I have started discussing our fears and the fact that so many of these dates will be forever ruined. Just to add context, these dates include:
DS's birthday - as in the day he was born
Anniversary of the date we first got together (10 yr anniversary of this was a date i saw AP)
All of these dates sit between Dec 12 & Jan 10.
I am wondering, has anyone had any success in retaining these days as days that can be celebrated and been able to move away from the associations of the affair. Have you been able to not let the affair define those dates? Or is this a naive WS fantasy?
The reason i ask is that my current view, as i discussed with BW last night, is that these dates do not have to be defined by the affair. These dates will come around every 365 days for the rest of our lives, and although i am VERY aware that these dates will generate increased emotional turbulence and whirl up dust clouds of pain more or less forever, it seems to me that they do not necessarily have to be days that can never be celebrated for anything else and do not need to be feared.
Please let me make myself clear - I am not saying that my BW needs to move on, or not think about the affair, or should be able to forget about it, or anything so ridiculous.
I just want to know, if down the track, anyone has been able to retain those dates for them and been able to shift the symbolism they apply to them in a positive way - given time!
If thats just crazy and of course no one can do that, then happy to hear it and march onward with some new insight into just how impossible i have made her life.
All of our affair season anniversaries are upon us. As the BW, the dates are firmly imbedded in my head calendar. My WH probably doesn't even realize/remember the dates.
The first year was horrible. By the end of April the uncoming days were effecting me physically. By July I was a wreck. I could not sleep and I hate WH. The second year out I did not start feeling off until mid May. The end of July was rough, but not near as bad as the first year. The third year was slightly better. The fourth year did not start getting rough until mid July. Once again I am not sleeping, I'm eating everything in sight, and I am tense and nervous. I am always angry and "feel" no love for my WH. The thought of him touching me makes me sick I my stomach and leads to instant mind movies. I have not had an issue with those in months. In fact in fairly detached at this point. I just keep reminding myself that this year is once again better than last year, and next year should be even easier.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA
Celebrating her birth, won't be the same. WW confessed the affair 4th of july weekend, so only 3-4 weeks out, but DEEP in fog. Lives at AP's place and demanding a divorce. She is getting it, against my better judgement to wait for things to cool down. I have DD and myself to think of first. Irritates me to make her "happy" by giving her what she wants, but it's for DD and my own good.
Oh, and our 5th anniversary would have been august 15th. What do i do for that? Nothing if she is with him.
*going back to my 180 notes*
Any chance someone out there has found a way to turn these dates in bearable occurrences or even more fantastical... made them a positive?
There is a very similar thread going on right now in Reconciliation about dealing with holidays. I'll paste what I wrote there, as I think it applies directly to your thread as well:
In my case, my wife's last encounter with OM was the day after Halloween, I discovered her affair the week of Thanksgiving, with confrontation/d-day #1 two days later, d-day #2 was a week before Christmas, and I got the DNA results of my son not being biologically mine shortly after New Year's.
The first year out was the absolute most difficult, but to be honest with you, the anticipation of the upcoming dates was far worse than the dates themselves.
We ended up creating new traditions, and that has helped a lot. We travel out of town to a pumpkin farm to get pumpkins for our Halloween jack-o-lanterns. Thanksgiving tradition hasn't changed much, aside from going out of our way to make a special stuffing each year, and my wife is now more involved with the cooking instead of me just making the entire meal. We have a couple of pre-Christmas traditions involving sight-seeing with Christmas lights and lots of hot chocolate. New Years we celebrate the survival of our family and marriage for yet another year. We let the kiddo stay up with us, and we watch the ball drop on TV, and there is much hooting and hollering once midnight hits.
So, in our case, the new traditions have been very helpful in helping us actually 'celebrate' the holiday, and to alleviate some of the painful memories.
You will survive this, and it will get easier after the first year.
Sending you lots of strength and kind thoughts for this upcoming holiday season. (and in your case, affair season anniversaries, theseseatsRtaken)
Hope that helps a bit.