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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He wants to start on a clean slate after betrayal.
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to recap my story quickly. My marriage was blissful and i was blindsided when my husband SUDDENLY left me when I was 6 months pregnant with a planned pregnancy.

A month later I found out that he was already living with his mistress who is butt ugly(and knew that I was pregnant) and my 9 year old daughter was asked to cover up this deceit from me. I got an STD test immediately after that and found out that he gave me something that could be passed on to the baby, so I had to take medications to prevent that.

a month after that, my baby was born, x never bothered to name him, and x never bothered to give me a penny to support him. LITERALLY NOT A PENNY.

He has harassed me many times to agree to give him 50/50 custody of our children, including the infant he never named or supported. He served me divorce papers A WEEK AFTER I DELIVERED THE BABY.

I felt wronged in several ways:
1) He cheated on me with an ugly tramp
2) He told me everyday he was so happy, then abandoned me suddenly
3) I was 6 months pregnant with a planned baby
4) He passed an STD to me, risking baby's health
5) He never cared to name baby or show up for birth
6) He never gave me a single penny to support his children after he left
7) He served me divorce papers a week after I went into labor
8) He harassed me to agree to a 50/50 custody
9) He brought his mistress to my house
10) He involved our 9 yr old daughter in his deceit


Fast forward to now, it has only been less than 4 months after DDay, and we are progressing quickly with our divorce, but now x is wanting to act like we're friends!!! Like oh, smiley smiley, let's let bygones be bygones, put the past behind us, we're friends now, what are you mad for, we have to coparent in a friendly way, why are you still holding a grudge, you should be happy for me. He even told me that he and his mistress are giving me a chance to be a part of their family!!!! He wants to start on a clean slate right now! And he is amazed that I do not want to do that. He acts as if I'm spiritually inferior because I haven't forgiven him yet.

The problem is, I'm so far from being over it! In all honesty I do not know if I'll EVER forgive him until I die!! I do not know if I can EVER feel NEUTRAL about him at all. In your opinion, fellow betrayed friends, am I crazy???? Am I ABNORMALLY clinging to past hurt? After 4 months, should I have been able to just start on a clean slate and feel neutral when I have to interact with him? Am I expected to treat him with positive regard despite his betrayal?? Please I need to hear the opinions of BS only.

[This message edited by betrayedpregnant at 4:09 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but F*CK NO! I found my husband's affair 8 days after I had given birth to our first child. I too thought we were happy, our baby was planned and he seemed to love the idea of becoming a father. Now we are in R, WH chose me on dday, broke it off with her and went no contact. But if things had gone the opposite way I would have fought tooth and nail for him to have as little to do with the child he basically threw away, I would never forgive him and be cordial. I would move on when it was healthy and important for me to get on with my life. Not 4 months after dday and certainly not 3 months after having his child. Forgiveness is for you, not for him. I would cut him and his hoe out of your life like a cancerous sore. Sure, you have to co-parent and keep things stable for the kids. Outside of that you feel how you need to feel and start letting go when it's the right thing for you.


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know if I can EVER feel NEUTRAL about him at all. In your opinion, fellow betrayed friends, am I crazy???? Am I ABNORMALLY clinging to past hurt?

Oh hell no.

This person wounded you in what is one of the most overt, painful ways a human can hurt another.

Ignore his desire to be nicey nicey friend friend.

Then repeat after me:

He. Is. Delusional.

You, my friend, are healthy and amazing. Having a baby in the midst of this insanity!

You need be nothing more than distantly neutral with him as a parent. Cool. Aloof. Little contact as possible.

His problem if he can't handle that consequence to his fucked up choices.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will allow you to be a member of THEIR family?

Holy Hell.

I admire your restraint.

FTG.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayal isn't easy to get past. Given everything he's done I think you are doing great.

I truly believe that someday you will be happy you are not married to such a broken man. You might even be able to be cordial to him and his whore. If not, so what? It's okay if you never are nice to either of them again.

For your own sanity 180 him except for kids and finances. If he starts criticizing your attitude or anything else walk away, hang up, stop answering. One of the best things about getting divorced is that you no longer have to put up with that BS.

Take care of you and your precious children.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Sep 2005
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As everyone else said, Oh Hell No! He does not get a clean slate. As long as you are polite and cordial in front of the kids, you are doing fantastic.

He wants you to 'make nice' with him and OW so they can feel better about themselves. If you can forgive them, then what they did wasn't really that bad. Fuck that shit.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, think a bit deeper...why is he doing this?

Possible ideas:

- He told OW you've been keeping him from your child so he doesn't look like the POS he is.
- If you're his friend then (in his head) it means he did nothing wrong.
- He's wanting you to refuse & create more drama to help bond him and OW together
- He's trying to build a case of parental alienation against you (are you keeping a log of when he has had contact?)
- He's trying to control you - both emotionally (you HAVE to be his friend) and through the D (he's threatening to take the baby 50%, even though he clearly doesn't care, just to spite you/as a negotiating tool)


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1097 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck.That.Guy.


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Angry  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's willing to let you be part of their family?

I'm surprised you haven't killed him yet. If I were married to this jerk I'd be doing 50 to life right now.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you don't 'forgive' him for this! Also, you can file temporary CS papers, I think--he should be paying to support his child. Also, have you agreed to the 50/50? He may only want that to lessen his financial obligation. I hope you have a shark attorney going after this disgusting excuse for a 'man'.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is, I'm so far from being over it! In all honesty I do not know if I'll EVER forgive him until I die!! I do not know if I can EVER feel NEUTRAL about him at all. In your opinion, fellow betrayed friends, am I crazy???? Am I ABNORMALLY clinging to past hurt?

No you're not crazy to feel this way at 4 months! I'm 17 months from Dday, and I'm far from the feelings of indifference. I'm also afraid I may never get there, but the future will tell. I guess if we work on ourselves, and have awesome lives, they will nolonger occupy our thoughts or our hearts!


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 352 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH FUCK NO!

And ditto what norabird and softcentre said said:

Also, you can file temporary CS papers, I think--he should be paying to support his child. Also, have you agreed to the 50/50? He may only want that to lessen his financial obligation. I hope you have a shark attorney going after this disgusting excuse for a 'man'.

He told OW you've been keeping him from your child so he doesn't look like the POS he is.
- If you're his friend then (in his head) it means he did nothing wrong.
- He's wanting you to refuse & create more drama to help bond him and OW together
- He's trying to build a case of parental alienation against you (are you keeping a log of when he has had contact?)
- He's trying to control you - both emotionally (you HAVE to be his friend) and through the D (he's threatening to take the baby 50%, even though he clearly doesn't care, just to spite you/as a negotiating tool)

Or, it could just be a simple case of "If we're friends, than what I did wasn't so bad, because, after all, we let bygones be bygones. Sorry, but this is one of those things that bygones are definitely not bygones. Fuck him.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm...let me think....no.

There is a special place in hell for someone who leaves their pregnant wife. Do your best to get as much child custody as you can...you have enough ammunition to get it.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 769 | Registered: Aug 2013
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not crazy or abnormal. You went through a serious trauma and experience extreme betrayal when you were most vulnerable (pregnant) from the person you most trusted. This takes years to work on and get over. You do not ever have to be "friends" with your ex. You must be "civil" and you must cooperate, but you do not have to be friendly.

In terms of custody, speak to your attorney. His behavior will be taken into account in that agreement. Likely he wants 50/50 so that he can pay less child support. Let the attorney handle the negotiations.

So sorry you are going through this. there is nothing wrong with you.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELL TO THE NO!!!!

180 him hard. If you can, email/text only where records can be saved if you need them.

He is delusional and doesn't deserve you or his kids.

As far as the Ho-Wrecker is concerned you don't owe her shit. Part of their family, I don't think so.

You can't control what happens at his house but you can control what happens at yours. She is not allowed in your home. If you can, since you have a a little one and he has involved your daughter in his Affair and deceit, I would try to get visitation where she is not able to be around them during that time.
HUGS


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
23 years of Marriage down the drain
Filed 4/5/11
Divorced 4/17/12

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You received sooo much on-point responses so I won't repeat them. Except this one ... FUCK NO to all your questions. You are an amazing woman and mom with dignity, compassion, strength and intelligence. You are struggling with his behavior because your dday was only a few month ago and I think your heart and mind are wrestling with each other. Your mind knows what he did and continues to do is straight up WRONG but your heart still remembers who you thought he was.

"He acts as if I'm spiritually inferior because I haven't forgiven him yet." Practice this: . He, of all people, shouldn't behave as he is spiritually superior. I struggled with the concept of "forgiveness". There are many definitions of forgiveness. I have "accepted" what he has done to me and the kids but I haven't forgiven him because 1. he hasn't asked for forgiveness and 2. I feel forgiveness must be earned by making amends.

Continue to focus on YOU. Do what feels right and authentic for YOU. Take care!!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2301 | Registered: Oct 2012
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I wonder if it rains skittles in his little world? He has completely lost his mind. What an obnoxious entitled asshole. Can't wait to read about it when the bus catches up with him.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2377 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not just HELL NO, but FUCKING HELL NO!

You are absolutely NOT crazy. He did a horrendous thing to you. It is very traumatic. You have EVERY right to be angry with him.

As for spiritual inferiority for not forgiving him? Um, how about his spiritual inferiority for fucking another woman while married with a pregnant wife! My XPOS was/still is a devout Catholic and he has thrown the whole "forgiveness" thing at me in the past. However, after I told him he was the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet each time he said that, he finally shut up about it. Stand your ground because you know what he did was WRONG on every possible level no matter how he acts. Eventually his antics will just make you roll your eyes.

Even when you get to the point of indifference, you don't have to forgive him for what he has done. I am indifferent to my XPOS, but I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me and our family. We are civil to each other as we have extensive ongoing interaction for other reasons, and he would love nothing more than to let bygones be bygones and be "friends," but that just is not going to happen. Tell him, in a calm voice with a smile, he can shove that "clean slate" right up his ass.

Oh, and DON'T give in to 50/50 custody just because you feel harassed to do so. STAND YOUR GROUND.

I am really sorry you are going through this at a time that should be joyous with a new baby.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1259 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants you to 'make nice' with him and OW so they can feel better about themselves. If you can forgive them, then what they did wasn't really that bad

This is right out of the cheater hand-book.

See what I did wasn't so bad, we are even still friends.

F.T.G.

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:25 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 631 | Registered: Mar 2003
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't even read this whole thread and I agree with everyone else.

They ALL try to pull this shit. Its the same as during False R - "I'm not cheating right NOW - what's your problem???". It is crazy making.

The fact that we have children together is the ONLY reason I HAVE to interact with you. This means civil, not amicable. Isn't it ironic that our vows and children didn't stop them from doing awful, terrible, horrible things and fucking around but they seem to think it gives them a free pass to amicable in the aftermath.

And at 4 months out?

Those fuckers need a check-up from the neck up.

Hell - I've had people who are friends with him and his whore reach out after a time trying to reconnect now that 'everything is in the past'.

Go fuck yourself - all of you. Yes, I'm not a sobbing heap on the floor anymore so that past is indeed in the past but you don't get the privilege of my company or my friendship in the aftermath.

I don't get how people don't understand that in these situations amicable isn't deserved or required. Civil yes, but not amicable.

The only option after loathing for me is indifference. Civil is as good as it gets for you, buddy. You should be delighted that I'm not trying to cut your dick off every time I have to see your fugly mug.

The chance of me being amicable or friendly are only slightly higher than the chance of me going to the moon.

Go fuck yourself.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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