Force the decision- if you don't want to be with me and only me, then you can't be with me at all. Here are some hefty bags for your stuff. If you can't pack in 15 minutes, I will help by dumping the contents of your closet out the window so you can collect it from outside once I lock the door & change the key behind you.
The only other alternative is having an open marriage.
Also please read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. Surprised it hasn't been suggested to you yet and I should have suggested it in your other thread. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:
And more 180 info under the target thread here:
I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Before You Say Reconcile...
For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with him:
For future reference here's what hoovering means:
Hope this helps you.
Just days after DDay 1 when my H was insisting that it was just an EA (not even using that term, more like "we are really close" and other bullshit), I had to travel out of state for work. OW was calling my H asking him to come over bc he had told her I found them texting and they couldn't talk anymore. She wanted to talk to him about him leaving me for her. He went to her house and they ended up having sex (I didn't know at the time of course, only after the TT stopped). After that he sort of froze and didn't really break things off with OW, just told her half heartedly they couldn't talk anymore, and kept lying to me about the level of their involvement. He didn't delete her as a contact on his phone, email, social media, etc. He kept saying he thought he did, but in actuality he didn't even try. He now admits he was keeping his options open in case I threw him out.
When I learned of the PA I got tougher with him, demanding an NC call, which he did but he wasn't forceful enough with her because she still kept trying to contact him. I blame him for being indirect and not completely deleting her as a contact on some social media accounts. Finally I had enough and told him I was leaving if he didn't cut all ties, including complete blocking and sending a new NC text together with me in which he was much more forceful in telling her to go away. It was at this time that my H really started to show remorse and horror and disgust at what he had done.
Looking back I cannot believe I didn't tell him complete NC or else I'm out of here earlier. I chalk it up to shock. A lot of further damage to our M happened during this time and a lot of the resentment I feel toward my H results from the way he handled things (and how I let him) during that time after DDay. So that said, I do urge you to put your foot down earlier than I did.
It's emotionally damaging to be with someone who is feeding you bullshit in order to keep on with his own selfish behavior. Unfortunately, in most cases the cake eating lasts as long as YOU allow it to last. It's not easy. You need to be prepared to end your M entirely in order to stop the behavior. The M you want and deserve doesn't exist at this time.
The problem with that is he makes all the money if he goes so does any source of income I have for me or our grandson
Then it's time for a 180 until you see an attorney to see what remedies you have.
You can't make him stop. You can only remove yourself from the equation.
and has not blocked her out of his life, says he will
so he still talks to her romantically or just talk t o her?
my punk ass husband was still talking to OW romantically pretending he had divorced me and they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I couldnt deal. it probably wouldnt have been all that bad if he told her he was working on his marriage and was just responding to her messages politely. no he was talking lovey dovey to her while attempting to falsely reconcile with me. no bueno.
At the same time, he kept telling me he didn't want a divorce. It was insane. He was sleeping in the same bed, doing things on the weekends with me and the kids. But yet, he would ignore me. He was angry or drunk most of the time. The other times he was quiet and barely glanced in my direction.
In my heart, I knew there was someone else and I was pretty sure I knew who it was, but couldn't bring myself to investigate. I wanted nothing more than to have my husband come back home and leave this cruel shell of himself at the curb.
When I realized he wasn't doing anything to try to make it better, I took the kids and stayed at my mom's for a night. I told him he had until the next day to make a decision and tell me whether he was going to stay or go.
He chose to go, but it took him a few weeks to find a place. He also kept telling me it was just a trial separation and he wasn't sure what he wanted. I proposed D because he just wasn't in this anymore and he still told me no. He kept me hanging on to that last bit of hope for as long as he could.
The night before we were going to go to an MC appointment that he wanted, my best friend's sister saw him out with the one person who I knew was the OW. I confronted and I ended it. I made the decision for him, finally, and put an end to his bullshit.
I have no idea what his end game was. I don't think he knew. My IC says that she truly believes he didn't want to leave, but he got caught and knew the likely consequences I would dole out. He lied repeatedly and has never told me one bit of the truth.
Those months of his horrible cake eating were the worst. I didn't know which way was up and I was afraid to do or say anything that would cause him to leave for good.
I finally realized that I had no control over him and his decisions. I could only control me and, as hard and scary as it was, I knew that I was the only one who was going to stop that madness. I got up enough courage because I had to do it for me. I wouldn't have survived much more of that.
Sending you huges, strength and courage - this shit is hard.