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User Topic: just found out but wife made love to me- do I tell?
caldy70
♂ New Member
Member # 44313
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time poster here. I have read alot of info on this forum over the last couple of days and I am thankful for it. So, my story is as follows;

Same old story, I have been suspicious for months but never had the courage to prove my suspicions. I finally looked at her cell phone on Saturday morning and she had messages from her boss at work that were obviously not appropriate. I confront her, she doesnt deny it, says she sorry, blah blah blah but its just lunch at work, etc. She says she is going to move out because of all of the stress of our relationship, were not a team, finances, etc. etc. I ask her how deep the relationship is and she covers it up by saying its not serious, etc. We had a camping trip planned beginning Sunday as it is the same yearly camping trip with her family this week. I didnt have plans to go up except for the weekend due to my work responsibilities but she was going to take my son and go the entire week, which she has done the past two years and it is indeed innocent. She says she wants to just get away for the week and think about things. I tell her I can forgive her but she needs to come home after camping and begin working on our marriage and we talk a bit more. So, she then asks if I am going to come camping with them and I tell her I can try. So, I work it out and head up on Monday and though I didnt get the reception I had hoped, she is cordial and says that she is a wreck and doesnt want to deal with this right now. I so okay, lets just try to enjoy ourselves. At that point I drop the subject and try to go on business as usual, talking to her family, having some drinks, etc. She is distant and obviusly in severe pain and anguish. She is just not herself. However, ultimately her and I make love that evening in the tent when our son fell asleep. Once she falls asleep on my shoulder, I am overly curious and I grab her cell phone and there are messages from him from that evening that he has told his family about her and they are excited to meet her and that he loves her. The next morning I tell her what I saw and tell her im heading home. Before I do so, I make my peace by telling her that I can and will stand by her and accept her back but first and foremost she must be honest with me from here on out. I know she is in deep and it would be so easy for her to run back into his arms because that was the plan all along so it seems.

I know how she is feeling right now every step of the way through this because I did this to her 5 years ago, stepped out on our marriage. I ultimately spent time alone and figured out that I needed to make a decision based on what I had at home vs. being alone because I was able to see through the fog and realize it was a fantasy. I want dearly for her to realize that as well and I can forgive her but she has to want to as well. My question in all of this is, do I tell the affair partner that I made mad passionate love with my wife last night? I read in some of the documentation that you should rattle their cages, but is this the right time? My ultimate goal(what I want), is to have her back and fix this. I do love her and I am confident she still loves me but she is in this fog of the fantasy, the drug of passion and excitemnet, denial, deceit, etc. etc. I need to know, will telling the affair partner be a move that I should make now? I have typed up the text but havent sent it. Please help!


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question in all of this is, do I tell the affair partner that I made mad passionate love with my wife last night?

I read in some of the documentation that you should rattle their cages, but is this the right time? My ultimate goal(what I want), is to have her back and fix this. I do love her and I am confident she still loves me but she is in this fog of the fantasy, the drug of passion

I think you should have her write him a no contact letter, with that information included. You should mail it together.

In it she needs to say she loves you, regrets the affair and wants to work on her marriage.

You can't reconcile with someone who is still in an affair.

With that said, when my husband learned that his affair partner had at least four other affair partners when they were together, it was like throwing a cold bucket of water on his passion.

So I think you should find a way to let him know that your wife and you had sex on your vacation.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1361 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you rattle their cages and rattle hard. Your WW is still actively involved in an A. There is no chance of having R while her still involved in an A. She is also not remorseful and just regrets getting caught. R also cannot happen without remorse. If she gets it at some point in the future maybe you will have a shot at R. That's not an option right now.

Your primary objective right now should be to get out infidelity as it is actively going on. The best way to do that is to expose their affair and rattle their cages. First thing you do is you notify their HR department where they work. Especially because he's her boss. The second thing that I would do would be to out the A to her family. That will be a dose of reality. Some would say not to out the A to her family as your cannot un-tell if you do. However, I believe if you do so you will have a better shot at the fog lifting for her and a good dose of reality. Secondly, this will also provide more eyes on the A. The more people that know, the less chance the A has of thriving underground.

What about her AP? Does he have a BW or a SO? If he does they need to be notified asap. If not, then his family should know that he has no problems fucking around with one of his married employees. Will also provide more sets of eyes on the other side of the A and less of a chance to go underground.

Gently here, you both need to get tested for STDs. A very unfortunate reality that has to be done.

If she wants to go into recovery mode of your marriage, she will have to find a new job. There is a 0% chance of being able to enter reconciliation going forward if they continue to have contact of any sort. Has to happen.

She will also need to actively go into IC before you go into MC if you want to attempt to recover the M. She needs to figure out why she's broken and why she thought it was ok for her to do this to you and your family.

Consult an attorney. This does not mean you have to file. You just need to know what your rights are moving forwards.

Actions have consequences. She needs to see the results of her actions. Let her know she has to have no contact going forward. Difficult because of the job. She's going to need to quit that job. Start talking about what living arrangements, finances, and every day practical things will look like if you should S or D. No longer refer to her boss by his name. Start calling him her affair partner (AP). Because that's what he is and it's not derogatory.

Lastly, if you are going to contact her AP, be prepared for the shit storm that he is going to throw back at you.

You said you have been reading here a lot. In case you have missed these, here's a bunch of threads I recommend reading:

You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with her:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp


Some that you may want to print out and give to her if she wants to recover and possible reconcile:

How much does my BS hurt? ...
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446

Things that every WS needs to know
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474387


Very sorry you find yourself here Caldy70. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The previous two posters have you good specific advice. Not much to add except this.
Your WW is contemplating leaving you and is in an active affair . And as long as you keep telling her no matter what she does to you that you love her and want her, you are doomed.
Here is no reason for her to. Ba be anything with you groveling and tell her fuck the OM , do what you want to, I love you and want to work it out.
You have now agreed to am open marriage . Until you show her there are going to be real consequences , you will continue to get the shit sandwich you are enduring.
If you listen to the posters who will respond, you will at least have a chance to get some dignity back

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

from him from that evening that he has told his family about her and they are excited to meet her and that he loves her.
Rattle everyone at this point.

Your wife may have never gotten over what you did and there is a lot of work to do here. If you want to stay married, she is going to bring that up. You need to figure out how to deal with that. Or was it actually dealt with at the time.

What does he mean his family is excited. What family? Does his family know she is a married woman?

I do find it odd that your wife is having sex with you if she is in love with her boss.

As for telling the OM you and her wife had sex, yes that should rattle him if this is love.

You could email him and say something like who do you think you are having sex with my wife...yes, I found out this morning after making love with her.

He might not like the idea of being two-timed himself.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 11:35 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do love her and I am confident she still loves me but she is in this fog of the fantasy, the drug of passion and excitemnet, denial, deceit, etc. etc. I need to know, will telling the affair partner be a move that I should make now? I have typed up the text but havent sent it. Please help!

My advise is stay out of the "love triangle". If you start a conversation with the AP you will only get infurated and he will begin a struggle with you, it will not bring your WW back into your arms and heart.

She has to WANT to be with you, you contacting AP will not get him to leave her and does not solve the WANT you need her to have for you.

I would do the 180 and show her your power and value, nothing more. If she leaves the in time the fog will lift and so will the fantasy bull crap nearly all these stupid affairs bring...

family cannot wait, what...he is baiting little children to know they get a new "mommy"? Horrible, manipulative monster. What a ASSHOLE.

BADHURT is 100% accurate.

[This message edited by steppingup at 12:10 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as the betrayed spouse, I think you have received some great advice so far. however, with your earlier betrayal of her you have entered a new category. there is a forum below called I can relate, within that forum there is a thread called Mad Hatters only thread I actually think the best advice you will receive will be found it there.

I'm sorry you had to join us, glad you made it.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First - check the phone records. I'll bet anything they've been texting the entire time she's been at camp.

Second - get an STD test and see an attorney.

Third - Tell OM you know, and that if it doesn't stop immediately, you will be reporting them both to the HR department. Let him know that you can see the text logs, and one more text from him will mean you expose the affair. Tell her the same. If, after you tell them both this info, there are ANY texts, keep your word and tell HR.

Fourth - Your wife needs to agree that she quits, effective immediately. No two week notice, no training someone else - she quits, now. If your wife agrees, tell OM that he WILL give her a glowing reference whenever anyone calls or you will be suing for sexual harassment and defamation of character. He will not mention that no notice was given. He will say she was a model employee - or else.

Fifth - Your wife writes a NC letter that you are allowed to read before she sends it. In this letter, she does not say anything that would give any hint that she doesn't want NC, or that she will miss him, or anything else. It is simple - She made a mistake, she loves her husband, she will never be in contact again and she wants him to never contact her.

If 3, 4, or 5 are broken or not agreed to in the first place, start the 180, and maintain it until these things ARE what is happening.

Finally, no more talk of working things out, at all. If she is cheating, you agree to nothing other than divorce. If she stops and asks to reconcile, only then do you discuss it. As long as she has a boyfriend, you cannot provide any feedback telling her she is doing anything that would make you want to stay with her. Actions speak far louder than words. She needs to stop acting in a way that harms your marriage. Saying she wants to be married to you is not enough. She needs to act like she wants to be married to you. Until she does, do not offer her any reassurances that you are there for her. It's the kiss of death.

If you get frustrated, post here. There are thousands of members here, all with great insight.

Please remember - all cheaters think their affair is 'special' or 'unique' or 'meant to be'. None of them are anything but two broken people doing something no clear thinking person would think is a good thing. There are only a handful of affair stories. Every affair fits into one of them. There is nothing special or magical about this one, no matter what these two morons think.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to employ the 180.
You need to see an attorney.
Your WW needs to go NC.
You do not need to send any texts to the AP.

Posts: 343 | Registered: May 2010
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has to WANT to be with you, you contacting AP will not get him to leave her and does not solve the WANT you need her to have for you.

^^^ This. This OM is nothing to you. He knows she is married and doesn't care. Sure it might rattle his cage, but it very well could draw her more closely to him. They will bond over their anger of your interference in their fantasy.

Figure out what your requirements for R will be things like:

1. NC. Which will require a new job as she cannot have daily contact with her boss and be NC with AP as they are one in the same.

2. Transparency - passwords and access to all email, phones, computers, web pages, etc.

3. IC - Needs to start individually. You cannot have a healthy relationship with unhealthy people.

Which comes to your A. Was that really dealt with or just rug swept? IC would be a good place for you to start as well if you haven't previously worked through it all.

Focus on you. If she is not ready to give up the A, then 180 hard. You cannot love a WS back to loving you. It may seem to work, but it will be temporary as nothing has been delved into at the depths necessary for safety in the relationship.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6544 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Topic Posts: 10

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