Do NOT allow yourself to take any of the blame for this. That will only put you at a disadvantage, and allow him to hurt you again and again.
What he did is wrong. If he was lonely he should have joined a bowling league, or softball team, not found some other woman to bang.
Can you work it out and heal your M? I don't know, what I do know is that there has to be complete and total honesty and he has to do some work to figure out why he has crappy boundaries, and fix that. Is it worth saving? Only you can answer that.
I do think you need to be brutally honest with yourself, and figure out why you would want to save your M, and what you feel would be the deal breakers.
I tell all new BS's that join that they need to do some very concrete things.
1. See an attorney, find out your rights, and empower yourself with knowledge.
2. Get a full STD panel. He has a relationship with a woman you don't know. He can promise he used protection, as they all do, but most likely hasn't, you know he lies, so don't believe him. Do NOT have unprotected sex with him until he is done with her, and proves he is clean.
3. Focus on the basics right now, make sure you eat, sleep, and do one nice thing for yourself every day. If you can't eat or sleep, then talk to your Dr about it. Starvation and sleep deprivation make us mentally dull, unable to control our emotions, and make bad decisions. Nothing wrong with a little pharmaceutical help to get through this already harrowing time for you, taking care of aging parents.
Do NOT own one bit guilt or doubt over this. He chose to do this, he made a decision to deceive you. That is all on him. All you asked for was honesty and he couldn't man up an do that. That was his choice.
Keep reading, keep posting.
I'm having an affair or I want to, and I want to feel better about it. I haven't really considered that means you get to have sex outside the marriage also. Also I have no idea that open marriages require a lot more trust than we have between us now. I'm only thinking of myself here.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
One of the things you said really hit me "Maybe we should have an open marriage".
YOU don't want to be with anyone else that way, and you are obviously hurt and upset that he was. That is not a person who wants an open marriage. Do not let him guilt you into something you don't want because of your circumstances. He has many options to not be alone besides having an affair.
I also agree - if he brings up an open marriage, he is basically asking permission to have an affair, or justify one he has already started. There's no other reason for him to want one.
My husband asked me once if I wanted to go to a "swingers party". Apparently, that was his way of telling me he was considering an affair. I should have been able to read his mind, and know that's what he really meant. With hindsight, and after lots of pain and heartache, I realize now I should have seen that statement for what it was.
Again, do NOT let him convince you to do something you don't want to do. And gently, be prepared for more; they never tell the whole truth in the early days.
Hugs to you and good luck.
You had a talk..and during this conversation it was made clear..and agreed upon..that IF either of you wanted to open your marriage, then the two of you would discuss it first. He broke that agreement. You didn't give permission.
There are a few members here who were in an open marriage..and they were betrayed. Betrayal isn't always about fucking someone else. It's about being lied to..it's about breaking trust.
This is NOT your fault.
NOW..he feels sorry for himself? Because you were caring for your dying mother? Tell him to grow the fuck up. He had other choices. he chose the most destructive choice.
How is he showing you he wants to R?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. And that is with an honest, remorseful WS.
He needs to be tested for all STD's..as do you. And you get the results from the doctor, not him.
He needs to be completely transparent..you have full access to all of his accounts and his phone..passwords included.
He needs to be accountable for his time away from you. Get the GPS. You are not crazy..you have been betrayed and you need to feel safe.
He needs to answer all of your questions, for as long as you need to ask them. This could take years, because new questions will occur at random times. I just asked a few last week.
His main goal should not be to make you happy. it should be to fix himself. He needs to figure out why he did this. Not because he was lonely or angry..those are surface reasons. He needs to work with IC to find his "why."
Who is OW? Does she have a husband?
He needs to write a NC email to OW, and you send it. Then he needs to block her from being able to contact him. If he talked to her on Facebook, then it's bye bye Facebook.
He needs to be proactive in helping you heal, in healing himself, and in healing the marriage. You shouldn't have to tell him every little thing..he needs to figure it out.
Would he sign up here on SI?
Are you living together now? he needs to fin d a job where you are and live together..or this will take a very long time to heal..if ever.