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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So this is weird, right?
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi!

I still stalk OW. That's not normal, right? I mean, c'mon! It's been like 7 YEARS.

But here's the odd thing. I trust FWH 100%, and I have for years. He is a great guy that did a really dumb thing. Over, fini, period.

I know I posted a few months ago about true forgiveness and I am working on that. I thought a lot about my last post, and all the amazing responses. I did read them all, several times.

It like I'm still a little triggery. I'm not devastated by this...but it's still there and pops into my head from time to time.

It must be me. I must be triggering me. Like I'm still the same, and haven't grown, because I swear it's not him.

This is weird, right?


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Define "stalk."

Is it hourly? Daily? Monthly?

I don't imagine that Crazz will ever mess with COW again, but I Google her ass about once a quarter to make sure she hasn't "coincidentally" moved to our location or applied for a job where he works. She actually tried that shortly after DDay. So that was enough for me to decide that wellness checks are ok to do. In moderation.

Giving the AP headspace is definitely a problem - it's too much of a drain on our time, energy, and hearts. If you're stalking to protect yourself, that's one thing. If you're stalking because you are fixated, it's time to get some help to get her evicted from your day-to-day.
(((nokidding)))


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nokidding 7 yrs is a quite some time. If OW was going to do something, she would have already done it. It's been 2yrs for me and I still stalk him. I trust my FWW now.... well 99% do, but him, NO! He was my friend.

I (in my head) believe he will call her one day and say "hey how are you. Where are you guys now because me and wifey have parted ways and I still have feelings for you".

Realistically, this may never happen, but I feel the threat and that is why I stalk. I need to know where he's at so I can feel like I have some sort of control. Yeah...we're all damaged.

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 11:57 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing wrong with occasionally keeping tabs on our enemies...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc - agreed. Especially when OM was a friend. Won't get sucker punched EVER AGAIN!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stalk (def)

An odd fascination, curiosity. Schadenfreude. Guilty pleasure, ala Real Housewives. More frequent than in the past, monthly. Previously, quarterly to semi-annually.

I am not remotely concerned with a rekindling as OW moved to the UK some years ago. Even while still in our area, I was not remotely concerned.

Maybe I am fixated. I am quite a vindictive person and never forget any perceived wrong doings. I think I just want to actually witness karma in action. Ok, that is likely a shitty excuse.

I don't know why I do it.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nokidding, I feel you on this one.

It's not very often, but yeah, I really, deep down, want the Google to tell me she got hit by a train. And since I haven't created a google alert for that, I search for it on occasion.

Maybe the google alert would be a better idea...


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nokidding

Maybe I am fixated. I am quite a vindictive person and never forget any perceived wrong doings. I think I just want to actually witness karma in action. Ok, that is likely a shitty excuse.


Well, you got wronged. That's just the bottom line. There's no payback, justification, ...it sucks. Karma doesn't exist anyway. This is why forgiving is so hard. You have to let go. Sorry to sound preachy but I'm actually talking to myself.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather Google alert? Dang... I need to do that.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really, deep down, want the Google to tell me she got hit by a train.

YES!!! That is the honest truth. I want super bad shit to happen. I know it's wrong, but I just don't fucking care. AND I don't want to miss it when it happens.

Well, you got wronged. That's just the bottom line. There's no payback, justification

Tru dat


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trust FWH 100%, and I have for years

I think this is the wierd part (not the stalking). I don't think a "F" WS should ever be trusted 100%. I really don't think any spouse should ever be blindly 100% trusted without occasionally verification.

As for the stalking, no I don't find it strange at all. Its natural to be curious!


Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and another thing to add

Well, you got wronged. That's just the bottom line. There's no payback, justification,

For me, that is the crux of it all. I have a LOT of bad points about myself. I'm impulsive, have zero discipline, live moment to moment. I want to make bad decisions all the time. But I don't. I struggle everyday to tell the Devil on my shoulder to shut the hell up. But I do. I make good decisions all the time.

I'm not mad at FWH for making poor decisions, truly I am not. He didn't have the skill set NOT to.

I guess I do have the skill set that keeps me on the right path, but trust me, I really try hard.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really just want to see bad things happen to her. So i google her, every couple of months hoping to see some sign of catastrophe. It was maybe once in two years. And had gotten to the point where, when I say her wedding pictures, and honeymoon... I was happy for her. (Ok, so maybe happy she found someone, and that meant fore sure she was gone for good.) but then dday2 happened... And any closure I had from the first A was gone. (A lie, really) even though it was a different OW... My need to see OW1 suffer some semblance of consequences for the damage she help inflict.

It didn't help, that during my "wellness checks" of fWH's social networks, that his mother, is friends with EAP and sent him a private message telling him he should contact EAP, because she could really use a friend... I was both angry at the nerve of MIL, and really curious as to why se "could really use a friend... That I almost reached out pretending to be FWH. (I didn't. I was good. )


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is the wierd part (not the stalking). I don't think a "F" WS should ever be trusted 100%.

I'm ok with this. I think you should strive for that. If you aren't at 100%, then you have more work to do.

God forbid, if the day ever comes to another Dday, I will be as shocked as the first.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much time do you put in this? Is it just casual, occasional checking, or hourly? I check OW maybe once a week, mainly because she was a very determined sociopath stalker that had a history of trying to circle back. I really do not care what she is doing as long as she stays on her side of the fence. I feel that one of us needs to "watch" for crazy, and I would rather it be me than H. Is it weird? Not for me, just preservation from her crap.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM had feelings for my FWW. He told her last time he had an affair it took him long to get over and he's the EA kind. So I know he's stalking FWW's FB and such. So is his BS. So why shouldn't I?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM had feelings for my FWW.

Maybe that's it. It was a double betrayal as OW was my closest friend at the time. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about that. I had relegated her to Whore Status and totally forgot we were friends.

*lightbulb moment*

I think that's it!! I am feeling triggery because I am lacking in female friends at the moment. I have been thinking about that recently, that I really need a close female friend, or two. The last 10 years or so have just been a whirlwind of kids, sports, home renovations, work, etc. I miss having a close girlfriend. Oh sure, I'm no loner. I have loads of friends...but not that one girlfriend you tell everything to.

I feel better now.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
SMSA925
♀ Member
Member # 43955
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo Read my story. 24 yrs later, same OW. Hadnt thought of her forever until she showed up on my WH FB friends page. Sigh


Me: BS; 55
Him: WH 61
Together 32 yrs, Married 20
DDay April 17, 2014

Posts: 140 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Phila. PA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still stalk OW. That's not normal, right?

I agree, as others have noted an occasional "wellness check" (I like that friendly phraseology) to gain an illusion of "control" Is very NORMAL.

As long as she doesn't take up too much of your precious head space.

You know the saying:

keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

Nothin' wrong with checking her place coordinates, now and then.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!!! That is the honest truth. I want super bad shit to happen. I know it's wrong, but I just don't fucking care. AND I don't want to miss it when it happens.

Thank god I'm not the only one. I found out that the OW boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence against her last month. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling like she deserved it. WTF is wrong with me? This girl brings out the worst in me.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 28
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