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Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

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User Topic: Sexual Obsession
jiang
♂ New Member
Member # 43911
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ever since my wife revealed her affair five weeks ago, I've been sexually obsessed with her. While we've had some intense mutual sexual touching, there's been only a couple of instances of intercourse in this period.

I can't understand why I crave this physical contact and why I'm having these intense sexual thoughts about her. Perhaps I'm emotionally needy and need affirmation that she desires me again, or perhaps I'd rather imagine me making love to her than the OM.

Other theories? Anyone else go through this?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of us do. We call it hysterical bonding, or HB, for short. It is normal... Regardless of how crazy it makes us feel. It's basically trying to reclaim the marriage through physical contact.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What steadfast1973 said. It is crazy and wonderful and intense. My FWH and I were doing it at least 3 times a day all over the house. We are older and it nearly killed FWH as we were having HB sex for a couple of months like this.

It is really normal. I feel it us (BS's) reclaiming what is ours and trying to get the connection back with our WS.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
peaceBmine
♀ Member
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely normal, but quite a strange feeling. However, we were very thankful for HB as this made getting over the physical obstacles of betrayal quite a bit easier than I expected.


Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jul 2014
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a nicer version of peeing on them to mark your territory.

Not everyone goes through it though. Some are too repulsed to even consider it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Jan 2011
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yup....HB alumni here. It was intense and went on for months. I never felt like I was marking my territory, but instead felt more like it was a way to reconnect. During the A our sex life had dwindled and my first love language is touch...sooo

I did, however, mark my territory by going to places with my H that he went with OW ....that definitely was claiming ownership and nicely peeing on their memories......


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1724 | Registered: Mar 2010
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have HB but have seen a lot of other people say they did. He made me want to puke.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

million tears, I understand that, too. I feel only because the affair had ended 6 years prior and he hadn't recently fucked someone else that I was able to have HB. If he had just recently ended the affair, like on d-day, I feel I would have been repulsed, too.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We also had HB, but, like Sister milkshake, my WS's A occurred 26 years ago & I only found out about it 11 months ago. So, our sex life was already great before Dday. I also wondered what was going on & if there was something wrong with me until I found this site, read about it & realized it was normal. Lately though I've had a little harder time (just sometimes) when WS & I make love. Such as the mind movies & more emotional. However, in the long run I think it was best it happened. I think had we taken a break from it after Dday, we would have had an even harder time with R. Because believe me, I have still had all the horrible emotions, been mean & ugly to him & had some pretty bad meltdowns & depression (which I've dealt with for years anyway). I hope this has helped you to better understand the feelings you are having. Blessings on your own R. ☺


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
takingitdaybyday
♀ New Member
Member # 44259
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely thought I was weird too then I found this forum.. HB was a way for me and my WH to connect again and I felt weird wanting it because the books I read discussed how hard it may be to make love again.. I didn't experience that and felt like perhaps something was wrong with me. Then I read it on here and understand the reason behind it.
I must admit I cried though after.. just so many emotions rushing through me and thinking of him with the OW was tough. Every time got easier and I guess proved to both of us that what we had was worth fighting for.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the BS and it happened to me too. I can recall the moment it started too.

I was finally able to drag myself into the shower a week past dday to chisel the dried layers of tears, snot, and sweat off of me. When I came out I sat on the bed in a towel because I felt light headed and weak. He came into the bedroom and I just had this feeling come over me that he should be servicing me sexually. It took off from there.

It was terribly confusing for a while. It made me feel wonderful and horrible all at the same time.

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's nothing negative on you. I felt like it was very primal.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2416 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think HB is harmless fun, its very destructive and undermines reconciliation. It removes the focus from the enormity of the crime perpetrated against the marriage and the painful task of rebuilding. Intense sex virtually forgives and rewards the WS for their shameful betrayal.

Your wife can hardly believe her luck. In her eyes she has been forgiven and given the green light to rugsweep. She can use sex to alleviate her guilt and she really must regard you as pathetic. Why not cheat again in the future; after all she knows exactly what to do to gain your forgiveness. Her dominance is complete; your sexual needs give her the power she never knew she had. You are rewarding her for her cheating.


Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's nothing negative on you. I felt like it was very primal.

I think it is kind of primal...and I don't think it's a negative on the BS.

The HB between WS and I after Dday was just that...bonding. I needed that to help survive the rest of the shit I was going through and dealing with...we weren't making love though...I was clear on that. We were having sex.

There are so many emotions and chaos going on when you've been betrayed and we are all so different how we respond, what's important and how we heal.

Do what's right for you....and only you. In the end that's all that counts. If you want your wife, be with your wife. Time will tell whether she is remorseful and willing to do the work necessary, but it takes time. They refer to it as a roller coaster here at SI and it is ....the ups and downs are overwhelming.

R is not easy and not for everyone, but if that's what you both want and you are both willing to work for it and she is willing to give 200%....you might make it and it is worth it.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1724 | Registered: Mar 2010
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, but I'll share with you my case. We did HB big time! But after 2 years, I feel like I can't satisfy her. I'm not enough anymore because why was there an OM?

At the same time I need her sexually to connect, to sooth, to feel loved. I don't obsess over her sexually like I used to, but we do have more sex than before. I do feel like I physically want her now. Like this very fleshly desire for her. Before it was different. Maybe I see her more like a sexual being now instead of just my wife. idk.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 14

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