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User Topic: For those who have had more than one d-day
♀ Member
Member # 43959
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so fooled by my H's seemingly remorse and promises that I blindly trusted him to be the man he said he was and the man I thought he was

Me, too. The first Dday WH made up a story about a ONS. I believed him, we talked, I got his passwords to the accounts I knew about (there were more) and never checked up on him because I thought it was a one time thing. No MC. The affairs continued for 2 years, including one LTA.

Dday #2 was last March, when I did check his email and found name after name. It was a nightmare. I felt numb, enraged, shattered. TT continued until he gave me a timeline July 4. Then I was numb for a week. Now I'm riding the roller coaster and we're in IC and MC, he's in AA and I'm in Al-Anon. No rug sweeping this time. We're trying to R, this time for real.

Me-BS 50
Him-WS 50 Sorrowfulmate
Married 26 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 Timeline given

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jul 2014
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought people who stayed with their spouse after an A were soooo stupid. Well, look who's stupid now.

I check on him very little. I just don't give a shit. The more time goes on, the less I care. I'm not even that unhappy staying. I think all of these AD's have something to do with it. It's like I'm just flat.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying hard to remember if I was more numb the 2 d-day.

I think I was more devastated the 2nd one.

I had lots of d-days, only count four (one for each year). The first one, I had sent him to rehab for alcoholism and I finally found out what my gut had been screaming all along and he of course had been lying through his teeth. I got ahold of his cell phone and I do not think I will ever forget the texts I saw between them. I had to pull it together and the doctors advised that he had to work on sobriety before he could work on anything else. That was June '09.

August '09 he is back to drinking and I am trying to figure out where he is. He text me and I just know he is with her and I quote you his text "It should come as no surprise" Thankfully, I think I was still reeling from previous information and my mind could not take anymore. That is why I am not sure. I had already been crying for a good year anyway.

March '10 I ask to see his phone records, he has been swearing up and down that he is not in contact with her, but again my gut is screaming at me. He had just been deleting the text messages. He finally gives me the password and I see her number all over the bill. I think I finally started protecting my heart. Started really working on separating everything. He is asking for another chance and I stupidly agree.

June '11 I find out they are still at it. I file for divorce, he is "good" for a few months, white knuckles sobriety and I am now just worn out with it. He again asks for one more chance.

He goes to rehab again in Jan '12, he says he is changed, goes to counseling for a few months, starts drinking again, I get back from a week's vacation, he is wasted, I am beyond done, file for divorce again, he looks her up again and while they were partying I was finalizing the divorce.

There were a lot of d-days in between where I would find they were still in contact but I was so very stupid to want to believe him. Looking back, I never did get my questions answered truthfully. One of those d-days, he told me that she called him to ask for money since her ex was not paying her child support and he just had to help her, but he only gave her a hug and that was it. How fucking dumb could I have possibly gotten.

The best / worst d-day was when the bitch texted him to tell him that he needed to return her bra that she had left in the back of his motorcycle. I now wonder if she did that so that I would know. That was one of the early d-days.

I think that much emotional toll, the brain cannot accept so mercifully I blanked it out for a long time. He said he would mail it back to her but I now believe he met her and gave it back.

I definitely got more numb with each d-day (with the exception of his one text to me, that is burned into my mind for all time) till there was nothing left to try to work on save a divorce.

Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD#1 was definitely worse emotionally for me. The trauma of it was overwhelming.
DD#2 has lead to an apathy in regards to our m that has lasted 11/2 years. We have r'd for the most part, but I find it difficult to put my heart in it. I think that what others say about waiting for the other shoe to drop is worse after the 2nd DD. It's like, I know that I love him, but I don't really feel safe letting go of my heart since DD#2. He showed me that he really didn't respect it. I feel that it's more fear on my part than anything, at this point.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 374 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not for me.

The 1st D-day tore me up. We R'ed and he declared that he was "going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me."

D-Day 6 years later with OW#2 completely ripped me apart. Destroyed me.

He saw what D-day #1 did to me, watched my pain, and did it again anyway.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3493 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD1, I was more in shock than angry. But the TT over the next month or so made it worse and then the anger did hit.

DD2 about 8 years later and I was in shock because I really never thought it would happen again. So it was total anger.

TT for a long time after that and today I still do not believe I have the entire truth. My gut feelings tells me I do not.

I wish I could or I would get numb to it as others have written.

Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I am confused - a big part of me desperately wants to be able to carry on in some semblance of family unity - especially for my 3 DS', and another part of me can't see how to go about it. I am mostly just really sad right now.

To Stuckinbetween...I totally get you on this. The WS make life such a catatrophic complexity.

Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:29

Posts: 661 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
♀ Member
Member # 36402
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Steppingup - catastrophic complexity says it all. I keep waiting for the solution to come clear to me. Sometimes i think I will try some kind of in-house separation, but can't imagine just how to set that up. Having him out of the house (he has offered this 'if his presence is just making things more painful for me'), isn't any better. I will not lose my kids 50%. The alternative is him seeing them weekends - so I am primary (sole right now) breadwinner and single parenting...

And this:
"The 1st D-day tore me up. We R'ed and he declared that he was "going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me."

D-Day 6 years later with OW#2 completely ripped me apart. Destroyed me.

He saw what D-day #1 did to me, watched my pain, and did it again anyway."

..except I am on DDay 3 and he is vowing to do anything for me and the boys, that we are all he cares about.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 28
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