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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help! OW child enrolled in my class
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Shocked  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long time lurker here. First post because I really need help, advice and support. I teach at a small private catholic school and just found out the OW enrolled her child in my class. I love teaching my grade and do not want to leave my school. I feel that changing grades would only give her more power over my life. But I feel like she screwed me over once and now she's doing it again. What do I do? How do I handle this? Yes, she knows I teach at this school and she knows I'm the teacher of this grade. I feel sick and but mostly


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! She must really be sick to do such a thing. She has no idea how you will treat her child. Is she crazy!!!!
I really don't have any advice, but maybe you should tell the school administrators about the situation and see what can be done. I know that is hard, but I just don't know what the heck I would do. I could not teach that child with a loving heart, that I know.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, if your husband ended the affair, then she probably harbors a lot of ugly thoughts for you. So you could just be a WONDERFUL teacher for her child so her child would tell his or her mother how wonderful you are every night.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have spoken with administration and they can't do anything. "A child shouldn't be punished for the behavior of their parents." My principal asked if I wanted to switch grade levels but I think that would be like she stole my career too.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kansas. You made me laugh when I didn't think I could.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and yes he has ended it. He is being supportive but honestly we don't know where to go from here. He said he would support whatever my decision is and he is so sorry for the suffering his actions have brought.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You love your job and the grade you teach....the child will be just another student in your class.....I know that sounds flippant and I don't mean it to be....
just make sure if OW wants a meeting with you regarding
her child to have an aide or someone else in the room with you....parent teacher conference time same deal...try and always have your ' teacher hat' on!
It could be a long school year but remember you are in charge of your classroom!!!!
Is your principal trustworthy? A good principal always has their teachers back....without divulging any information you can always say something like ' this parent makes me uncomfortable I'd prefer to not be alone with them....'
Hang in there....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No you don't sound flippant. I've been telling myself something along those lines as we'll. My principal does know and has expressed to me a willingness to help in any way. She has even offered a sit down meeting with the OW and set up guidelines. Honestly, I don't want her in my class EVER! Nor do I want her on any field trips. I usually have parent volunteers everyday, and parents must pick up directly from my classroom. I'm thinking of asking my principal to tell her she must pick up in the office or arrange for someone else to pick her daughter up from school.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd take the higher road here. The child is a
Child. When u teach, u love children. Don't punish child by having her:him picked up differently than other students.

I'd either switch grade levels (for the year) or call a meeting with OW and principal. During meeting state that you r professional and will treat her child like any others but feel there is a huge conflict of interest knowing past history. Ask her (in front of principal) if she is sure she wants to keep child in ur class and let her know if she does, any phone conversations, emails, conferences will need to be done w ur principal present.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Dec 2013
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my now 32 yearold daughter was in 2nd grade I was a room mother...we al met with the teacher and she pretty much said I will ok who goes on field trips etc....
this is your class room!!!! Don't forget that!!!
There are soo many volunteers for stuff like that especially in the younger grades...you should be ok! Although not sure what grade you teach....
as far as pick up we always had a car line....all the teachers were on duty for that....
I would suggest don't change routine because of OW....don't give her the power....she is on YOUR turf!!!! Hold your head high and do what you do best TEACH!!!you could be the kids favorite teacher!!!
living well is the best revenge!!!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! I am so sorry you have to go through this. What an ugly person she must be to use her child like this!

I agree, you can't treat her child any differently regarding pick up, etc. Sadly, for your own peace of mind I think your only choice is to change grade level. Think about whether you really want to deal with this day in and day out all year long! It may be more prep work now, but it might save you grief in all sorts or ways later on in the school year.

I'm sorry. It sucks.


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2014
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I didn't confuse anyone. When I stated that I didn't "want her in my class", I was referring to the OW. Hopeful reminded me that I am in control of my class which helped me tremendously. I was feeling as though the OW was taking my control away.

The difficulty will be not remembering the video OW took of her daughters first steps ...toward my husband...and then posted it online. If I don't have to see or interact with the OW then I believe i can see this child as any other student. But I worry that if I have to see the OW the memory of affair will be there too as will the knowledge of how she tried to steal my kids daddy to give her kid one.

[This message edited by MyBrknHrt at 8:49 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a teacher as well. I have checked the enrollment of our school to see if OW2 by chance has open enrolled her daughter. I teach every student in our building.

If that by chance happens, I'll quit. Life is short and I'm not going to be reminded of what happened. It would slap me in the face every time I saw her, and I'm sure she's a great kid. Doesn't matter. I create the peace in my life.

That said, if you could get through the year being a compassionate teacher to this child, you can rest assured that you are a person of integrity and morals. And that you value children.

Good luck with this. I couldn't do it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5530 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be very suspect of the OW and her motives. Why would she seek this school and class, knowing you are the teacher? You are in a hard place. You could treat this child like royalty and the OW could still accuse you of mistreatment. Who would your admin believe? I have seen parents with grudges get teachers suspended, reassigned, and fired. You need to document everything, make some very firm boundaries, and have other people present at every face to face.
I agree that children should not be punished, but parents make harmful decisions every day that negatively affect their children, especially regarding infidelity. This is your career, not a past time. I think your admin has failed you on this and I am not sure they would stick for you if OW creates drama.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think just treating the child like you would any student.

And glad you told the administration. That she specifically enrolled her child to be with you... I would be paranoid about ulterior motives of trying to get you in trouble at work or something.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 889 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
MyBrknHrt
♀ New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you. I need to document everything. Luckily, I have a full time aide so I have a "witness" if necessary. As for boundaries, I told administration "while no child should be punished for their parents actions, I (the employee) also deserve to have a safe working environment." In order to feel safe and do my job effectively I can not have the parent anywhere near my work space. OW must drop off and pick up on the opposite side of my wing or arrange for someone else to drop off and pick up. OW is not to come anywhere near me. OW will not help in the class. OW will not go on any class field trips. Parent/teacher conferences will be with the child's dad or another representative. My boss will call a meeting with the OW to let her know these boundaries. Hopefully the OW won't like them and decide this isn't the place for her.

[This message edited by MyBrknHrt at 12:03 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MBH

I am so sorry. I understand the professional difficulties in front of you because so much about teaching a young child can be strengthened in a good 'working' relationship with the parent.

Congratulations on your wisdom in confiding in your principal and seeking her support.

In terms of a management plan I suggest ensuring that going forward your principal agrees in writing to a number of management strategies. Eg: that you will not be expected to meet with this parent at all, that the parent can drop the child to the office if required but never to the your classroom.

I would request that your principal personally meet with her and get her agreement in writing that she is happy that will meet her childs needs and is happy to go ahead with the enrolment with that understanding. and I would get the management plan in writing between you and your principal.

Should interviews with the parent be required they will be with the Principal. That you could submit case notes in writing, respond to any queries in writing and that all of this will need to go through the Principal.

As a parent I wouldn't agree to this and would enroll my child elsewhere - but given the fact she has enrolled her KNOWING you are there I believe she will have done so just to make mischief and put pressure on you in your work place.

All opportunities for her to do that need to be limited.

it is a terrible situation you are in. As a private catholic school they would have enrollment criteria - like priority for parish / catholic children etc - do they fit the criteria of your school?

best wishes

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 669 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Asil0623
♀ Member
Member # 42419
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a teacher. I would quit or change grades before I would deal with this. You never know what will come up over the course of a school year. Behavior, failing grades, etc. I would not want to spend the next 180 school days worrying about dealing with this woman. I agree that it isn't the child's fault but this is asking a lot of you!

I'd have to do some serious praying to keep my heart in the right place. This woman sounds sadistic!

Asil


Me-BS
Him- WH
Reconciling? It takes two.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The principal should meet with the mother and lay the facts on the line. This puts you in a very dangerous position, professionally. If the child is never involved in any classroom problem, gets perfect grades, fine. But any difficulty at all sets you up for am accusation of bias. While I'm certain it would be unfounded, she could make your life hell.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully the OW won't like them and decide this isn't the place for her.

This is what I was going to suggest! Make the rules so strict, and make sure OW knows that others in the school know of her past, and maybe she'll just leave.

I'd make it clear that if OW breaks these rules, her daughter will be asked to leave the school. The last thing you need is OW showing up 10 minutes before school ends and just 'showing up' at your door grinning and waiting for her daughter. She needs to understand that if she breaks these rules, ever, her daughter will be asked to leave due to the parent's behavior.

I can't believe she isn't doing this on purpose. And I may be different, but the fact that those child's first steps were toward your WS would make me cringe just seeing the child. Yes, it's not her fault, but she would be a huge trigger.


I'm so sorry OW is being so nasty. This reeks of intentional harassment. Sad that she's using her child to do this.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 49
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