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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Book?
Littleleaf
♀ Member
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking for reading material, for my hard-head WH.

More Than Friends, has been mentioned..but I cannot find it on Amazon.

Any help appreciated…and if there are other books you can suggest…


Posts: 91 | Registered: Dec 2012
Littleleaf
♀ Member
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anndd.

Any books or relevant materials that will help ME with

RAGE, would be appreciated as well.


Posts: 91 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopeful325
♀ New Member
Member # 43521
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the book your thinking of is Not Just Friends. I got it from Amazon and it's available in Ebook format.

[This message edited by hopeful325 at 6:05 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check out the reading lists in the Healing Library link on the left if the screen. Tons there. A quick read for the WS to start with is 'how to heal your spouse from your affair' or something to that effect.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 709 | Registered: May 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its too bad your H is not looking for the books himself. This would indicate he is looking for solutions.

Not Just Friends, How to Help Your Spouse Heal....I don't have any suggestions for rage but as someone mentioned, the Healing Library might help you there. You can also just Google, "Dealing with Rage" and should get a nice list from that.

Good luck Littleleaf.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I ordered it via Amazon as an E-book and was able to download it on both mine and my FWH's tablets.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littleleaf! How are you? How is the baby?


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Dec 2012
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair. Short, succinct and very helpful. He can read it quickly (and over and over)


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 471 | Registered: Mar 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Books by Brene Brown (I think she only has 3-4 and they deal with shame) also How Can I Forgive You by Janis Springs.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may also want to take a look at The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 471 | Registered: Mar 2014
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been reading this article/book. I have to say that it's been helping him help me.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

[This message edited by Furious1 at 10:08 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Littleleaf
♀ Member
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You!

Everyone..for replying.

My head is so full of mud these days…. its a wonder I remember who I am..some days I wish I didn't!

Furious1 that article you mentioned..I cannot open it…any chance you can copy and paste it to me?

And, no. Reconciliation is not going well.

It has come to a stop…WH does not "DO ANYTHING"….
I have seen others with similar situations. He does not talk, share, go to IC, look for anything to help him, help us.

Truth is, now that I am gaining some small strength, I see he is not participating at all.

Just wants us to be together, have good moments with each other. Im so 'faked-out', I'm suicidal!

Not funny, but that is where I have been for a while. Babyleaf, my ember, my love bug keeps me sane, keeps me present.

His Wide Open Wonder at the new world before him makes me smile.

I was able to find a number of books. Put them on his credit card, and delivered to his address.

He said thanks, 'you are so good at researching this stuff!"


As for the rage…it is worse when he slumps along, giving me bullshit lines of affection and protesting that he 'is still here', and that he 'can not seem to do anything right'.

Argh. Just shoot me and get it over with. Christ.

So, today is a rage day, can you tell.

Seriously tho…I am beginning to believe that he is incapable of ….
pulling his head out of his insufferable ass.

~sigh.

So, just keep on keeping on.

Tomorrow, is another day, another chance.

:)


Posts: 91 | Registered: Dec 2012
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The link she sent is a pdf of the book I suggested. How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. You can download the kindle app and buy the kindle version on Amazon and read it right off your phone or tablet. It has helped many Waywards. Mine included. That and not just friends are the top two reccomended books from what I've seen on SI.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 471 | Registered: Mar 2014
Littleleaf
♀ Member
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you FixYou71
I have that book ordered..should be delivered to him
tomorrow…

Hopefully he does more with it than wipe his )*(


Posts: 91 | Registered: Dec 2012
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littleleaf

I have my growing book list in my profile. Not all may be relevant. But they gave me a lot of AH HA moments.

Hope it helps


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 832 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
ScarlettA1
♀ Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other books that have been helpful with marriage issues is "Hold me tight" and "What makes love last". The healing library has some great stuff for the wayward spouse. There is one article that I printed out and read every day for a month. Hang in there.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Healing is a Choice by Steve Arterburn.

How Can I Forgive You by Janis Spring.

Codependent No More.

All are great books.

NOTE: Start with Codependent No More....read it for YOU.

I say this gently....you can't make your husband do what he needs to do for himself. Don't lead him....its fine to support him, but let him use the set God gave him in ways God intended him to! Can he do it? Not sure....but I KNOW you can't do it for him.


Projecting here....but I bet your husband, like my wife, has a life long pattern of under investing in their relationships. Meaning they are fine to float around the surface...but will be damned to show anything but independent, "I'm all good with or without anyone" to another person. I don't condemn her....I see where my wife picked up that pattern and it was well before she and I met. It was born out of a need to protect herself from a very destructive, non-nurturing home life. It served its purpose, but limits intimacy. I have compassion for her.


BUT, having compassion for this does NOT mean taking responsibility for it....either for creating it or fixing it. Responsiblity to "own it" and "change it" is for my wife to do. I can, and should, help her in her journey...but I gotta step back and let her do for herself, ask for help, seek help, read books, etc..

And this is a challenge for us.

My own brokenness wants to do for my wife....but not in a noble way. In a "if I do this, then I can avoid that".....many times the "that" was being abandoned. See the irony in MY destructive choices?


Point of that is this......you have your own brokenness and pain to work on and heal through. Don't waste precious time and energy on his shit. He's a big boy, he made his choices, now he has his consequences to face. I know how scary it is to do what I just told you to do....but to NOT do this is to greatly increase your chances of having your relationship stay where it is at or repeat itself.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:29 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 17

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