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User Topic: This all could have been avoided
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I have to be put in the middle of this shit storm???? This all could have been avoided!!!! My pain and suffering DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN!!!!! Thats what makes this whole situation even more painful. When you suffer the loss of a loved one from death there is never anything that could have been done to prevent it. Death happens as the natural course of life and we must accept it and keep living. But when you suffer the trauma at the hand of the one who is supposed to be your protector, thats an entirely different twist of emotions that is nearly impossible to comprehend. As I sit here this morning filled with anger and resentment and realize that my WH has to make HUGE changes in himself that he may not be capable of doing. I can't help thinking to myself "this could have all been avoided" I didn't have to suffer this kind of everlasting turmoil.

None of us had to suffer like this.

Thats a hard pill to swallow when I think of what I go through on a daily basis. Mind movies. Thoughts of OW. Feeling less than. Uncertainty. Heartbreak. Anger. Grief. Sadness. Frustration. Etc.......

"this all could have been avoided"

Why the hell did I have to chose someone who would break my heart over and over and hurt the one he loves all because he "doesn't love himself"

Fuck that!!!! Today I'm not buying any of the self loathing bullshit. I'm sorry I'm just not feeling empathy for him today. He makes a mess and I ALWAYS CLEAN IT!! I always find an excuse for his behavior. His drug problem.....his business was failing and he couldn't deal properly with the loss and started using drugs. His raging jealousy issues.....he feels bad about himself because of his guilt from his past drug abuse so he projects his insecurities on me. His year long affair.....he didn't feel I loved him like I used to and needed to feel validation. Well you know what........FUCK HIM AND HIS INSECURITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what, I too had a shitty life growing up. Lots of people have. Get over it!!! I came from a broken home, I never had a stable home life always moving from place to place was even homeless for many of my adolescent years, I had an alcoholic step father, My "real" father never got involved in my life and still hasn't. ....The list goes on. I never felt confident and secure growing up, I have self esteem issues, but guess what?????? I DIDN'T FUCKING CHEAT ON MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE!!!!!!

Today I am not having one ounce of compassion for the man who is incapable of opening up his eyes and making the real changes in himself. For the past 4 years my life all of our marital problems revolved around HIM and his fucking issues!!!
I had to always focus on HIS PROBLEM, he would never stop. His jealousy took over and the fighting was constant. I could not be an effective parent when his fucking shit always overshadowed everything.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!! I dont care anymore about his fucking problems. This A is the final straw. How much can one person take? I'm beginning to wonder what wrong with ME???? Why do I continue to always have hope of brighter days? Why cant I just say "I've had enough?" I keep forgiving and try and work towards a happy future. I'm starting to believe there is no happy future with him. I took him back after I kicked him out of the house for 6 weeks. I'm starting to see the old patterns of his jealous behavior returning and we've already had a few blow outs. I CANNOT TOLERATE THIS FOR EVEN A SECOND. I don't want to go back to that dark place were we were the past 4 years. I REFUSE.

I cannot be an enabler in his self destructive life. He either fixes his shit or he can leave. And to think I didn't know what would be harder,staying together or separating. STAYING TOGETHER IS DEFINITELY THE HARDER CHOICE.

He's in IC. So am I. But I am not hopeful he is capable of true inner change. He is remorseful and wants to change. I just don't think he can.

BE A MAN. OWN YOUR SHIT. FIX IT!!!

So much suffering.

That all could have been avoided.


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Neecee))

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now.

I'm beginning to wonder what wrong with ME???? Why do I continue to always have hope of brighter days? Why cant I just say "I've had enough?"

I just want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you or feeling the way you feel. It's all understandable given the betrayal you've experienced and everything that went with it.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what is so cruel about infidelity. No matter the situation, it is never a solution. None of this pain had to happen to any of us, but they chose it for us anyway.

Please don't be down on yourself for being a good, honest, and hopeful person. If someone takes advantage of that, it's all on them. They are the one at fault, the one that is screwed up, not you.

Once you know what nastiness a person is capable of, then you pull back and protect yourself.

Wanting to assign some blame to yourself (like having a bad picker) is what we do when we need to feel like we are more in control of a situation than we are. It gives a false sense of comfort to think we made some mistake and we can correct it to avoid this pain in the future.

The truth is we can't control what other people do. There is nothing we can do if someone else comes along, hides that they have serious issues inside, assures us that things are good and behaves as if they are, and then BAM, screws us over. We can't prevent that. We can watch and not deny red flags and things that don't make sense but we can not prevent a good liar and actor from hurting us.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what is so cruel about infidelity. No matter the situation, it is never a solution. None of this pain had to happen to any of us, but they chose it for us anyway.

Please don't be down on yourself for being a good, honest, and hopeful person. If someone takes advantage of that, it's all on them. They are the one at fault, the one that is screwed up, not you.

Once you know what nastiness a person is capable of, then you pull back and protect yourself.

Wanting to assign some blame to yourself (like having a bad picker) is what we do when we need to feel like we are more in control of a situation than we are. It gives a false sense of comfort to think we made some mistake and we can correct it to avoid this pain in the future.

The truth is we can't control what other people do. There is nothing we can do if someone else comes along, hides that they have serious issues inside, assures us that things are good and behaves as if they are, and then BAM, screws us over. We can't prevent that. We can watch and not deny red flags and things that don't make sense but we can not prevent a good liar and actor from hurting us.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what is so cruel about infidelity. No matter the situation, it is never a solution. None of this pain had to happen to any of us, but they chose it for us anyway.

Please don't be down on yourself for being a good, honest, and hopeful person. If someone takes advantage of that, it's all on them. They are the one at fault, the one that is screwed up, not you.

Once you know what nastiness a person is capable of, then you pull back and protect yourself.

Wanting to assign some blame to yourself (like having a bad picker) is what we do when we need to feel like we are more in control of a situation than we are. It gives a false sense of comfort to think we made some mistake and we can correct it to avoid this pain in the future.

The truth is we can't control what other people do. There is nothing we can do if someone else comes along, hides that they have serious issues inside, assures us that things are good and behaves as if they are, and then BAM, screws us over. We can't prevent that. We can watch and not deny red flags and things that don't make sense but we can not prevent a good liar and actor from hurting us.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what is so cruel about infidelity. No matter the situation, it is never a solution. None of this pain had to happen to any of us, but they chose it for us anyway.

Please don't be down on yourself for being a good, honest, and hopeful person. If someone takes advantage of that, it's all on them. They are the one at fault, the one that is screwed up, not you.

Once you know what nastiness a person is capable of, then you pull back and protect yourself.

Wanting to assign some blame to yourself (like having a bad picker) is what we do when we need to feel like we are more in control of a situation than we are. It gives a false sense of comfort to think we made some mistake and we can correct it to avoid this pain in the future.

The truth is we can't control what other people do. There is nothing we can do if someone else comes along, hides that they have serious issues inside, assures us that things are good and behaves as if they are, and then BAM, screws us over. We can't prevent that. We can watch and not deny red flags and things that don't make sense but we can not prevent a good liar and actor from hurting us.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, 4 times! Sorry!


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you neecee, sometimes I really think they aren't worth it. Who do they really think they are...they did this shit ON PURPOSE to us...not a mistake, not because they were abused or whatever excuse they make...on purpose, deliberately, carefully, with intent. And oh yeah, AFTER they fuck someone else or let naked strippers bounce all over them for hours or whatever the individual situation may be, and get to slobber all over someone else and feel all excited and tingling over some new person, THEN they suddenly want even MORE attention because of ______ (whatever, fill in the blank) which "made" them do it.

Sorry, just wanted to rant with you! I really have no healthy advice right now tbh...I think in very simple terms: some things are evil. Murder, rape, INFIDELITY.

Sometimes I feel stupid. Not for being cheated on, but because I am focusing energy on a person -on a grown ass man!!!-- who cheated (mine is not as bad as some other cases, he was at a strip club for hours, but how do I really know what happened) when I can't help thinking there might be better men out there that would appreciate my loyalty and return it. NOT that I am thinking of cheating, I'm not, but just in terms of a giving and receiving dynamic. I feel like I am always giving more than WH...more loyalty, more stability, more forgiveness, more understanding for his "problems". Sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to be in a solid, stable, less dramatic relationship with someone else rather than put up with this constant almost-cheating-but-could-be-worse, boundary crossing, rugsweeping, all attention on him stuff.

yeah, I'm feeling kind of negative today. Thank god I have SI.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
Questioningall
♀ Member
Member # 43959
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice here, just sympathy. I feel the same frustration and anger. And you're right, it all could have been avoided. I really don't understand why WH did what he did. FOO issues, alcoholism, self esteem issues, fear of conflict (Um, yeah, you can guess how much conflict he's dealing with now!)--it still doesn't make sense to me. I still want to scream, "How could you do this to me???" Because I was in the same relationship and I tried to talk about problems with him and I didn't cheat.


Me-BS 50
Him-WS 50 Sorrowfulmate
Married 26 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 Timeline given

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because


Posts: 67 | Registered: Jul 2014
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{neecee}}}

Sympathy as well.

There are so many bad things that can happen in life that our completely out of control, but all this suffering could have been avoided SO EASILY.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one starts to heal when they realize that the affair didn't have to do with them, but rather their wayward. He didn't do this to you, he did in spite of you. And, likely, he'd have chosen better had he had the ability at the time to do so. For whatever reason, he didn't. He needs to figure out why, and all the blame and hurt in the world (which is justified) isn't going to fix that for him.

You 100% have a right to your anger. But, don't get stuck in self pity.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:51 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think today I have finally reached my breaking point. WH has demonstrated more of his jealous behaviors and I will not tolerate that shit anymore. I am just plain DONE with him and his patheticness. I'm tired of him projecting his feelings onto me!!!! I've been MORE than a caring, loving, supportive, LOYAL, dedicated, compassionate wife and partner for nearly 30 years. I'm not gonna be his sift spot to land when he falls anymore!!! WHERE'S MY SOFT LANDING PAD????

I WANT IT TO BE ABOUT ME......FOR ONCE!!!!!!

I'm just sick of being the good supportive wife only to be treated like shit by someone who doesn't know how to love me or treat me with the respect I deserve or be supportive.

I wish I could ho back to when times were happier and effortless. In my wildest craziest dreams I never thought this is were my life would be at the age of 44!


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
GonnaGetThru
♀ Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same exact way. The whole A probably could have been avoided if my H had worked on his emotional recovery after rehab. One of his excuses for the A was he was so miserable BC we were fighting all the time. I went off on him. We fought all the time because of his refusal to try MC, IC, meetings, anything to figure out his issues. I swear our marriage got WORSE when he got clean. Spent 4 years with an emotionally unavailable man-child, then he takes the easy
way out and has an affair. Makes me so mad!!!


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonnagetthru, I think we married the same man!


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine too. Isn't there a law against one man marrying more than once?


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
GonnaGetThru
♀ Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? Nar-Anon helped me a lot in understanding that his issues are HIS. I haven't been to a meeting in awhile though and I think it's partly why I'm feeling stuck. Definitely recommended for anyone dealing with the addiction stuff. And yes, starting to wonder if our H's are all related!

[This message edited by GonnaGetThru at 3:36 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to nar-anon when my H was in the throws of the addiction. It definitely helped. One thing that struck me was that there were woman there who were dealing with their H addiction for 10-12-14 years, all I could think was FIFTEEN YEARS???? NOT ME!!!!

His choice was get clean or get divorced!

I dont know how some people can put up with that craziness for that long, I couldn't. I feel the same now with his issues. Get your shit together or its divorce. For God sakes, I just want a peaceful life, is that too much to ask????


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STAYING TOGETHER IS DEFINITELY THE HARDER CHOICE......."staying together" with an unremorseful WS is soul suicide.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8182 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
GonnaGetThru
♀ Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I saw that too. The few spouses that attended the meeting I went to seemed miserable, dealing with that crap for YEARS. Some were prepping to leave but several, for whatever reason, refused to. For me, anyway, staying feels more and more like emotional suicide :-( Well, one day at a time I guess


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
Topic Posts: 19

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