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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I can't get this off my mind
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick background; my wife and I are divorcing. We (mostly her) ended it for good early this month. We are separated completely and do not talk anymore (my wishes).

When we were in R she spent the day with OM. We were separated physically still and living in different homes. I had found out because I had been trying to reach her but she was ignoring my calls. I had it in my gut that she was with him. So I drove out to her house and saw his car leaving her driveway. I confronted her and she had told me nothing happened, she invited him along with her friend for the day to "see" if she felt for him. She was convinced I was the right choice.
She explained how he lost his temper, yelled at her, blah blah blah.

I am so mad at myself when I look back. Why the holy hell was I so damn patient with her? It hurts me so much when I look back. I gave her so much love and kindness only to have her toss me aside at the very end of things. She begged me not to go, that it was over with the OM, that he was a horrible mistake and she now knows it. But why did I believe her? Why did I wipe her tears away? I wish I had told her how much of a harmful woman she is, how much of a liar she is, and to get the fuck out of my car and my life. I took her back, believed her, and gave her another chance. Only to have her tell me she doesn't love me weeks later, and to get caught texting the OM again.

I don't UNDERSTAND how a woman can be that manipulative and hurtful! I wish there was some sort of relief from all she has done. I am so sad and hurt by her time and time again. I can't even escape the pain she has caused now that we are COMPLETELY over and I have NC with her at all. She's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. IF there was a way to extinguish the love I have for her I wish I knew how. I am hoping I will move to hatred soon...anything would be better than this deep sadness she has left me with.


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so so so sorry.

How people we love can take actions they know will hurt us, how they can throw the gift we offer them in the trash and ruin everything...it does boggle the mind. You cannot make sense out of nonsense. So you just have to remember that it isn't about your worth, and forgive yourself for believing her. You were trusting because that is how we are supposed to be with our partners. You accepted what she told you because you so deeply wanted it to be true. That doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you human.

Let go of the anger and shame at yourself for not realizing that he was insincere. You are in very good company in that regard here--would you tell any of us that it was our fault we had been trusting, that we were to blame for not understanding the truth sooner?

It's very early days for you, and it's bad enough having to be hurt by what she has done without piling on yourself on top of it all.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry for you. I know feelings are hard to control. Right now I'm feeling intense hate toward my WW X. But, the feeling that I really want to end up with is indifference. The reason this hurts so much is that we love our Xs. How could I hate him so much if I don't still love him?

Posts: 283 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the holy hell was I so damn patient with her? It hurts me so much when I look back. I gave her so much love and kindness only to have her toss me aside at the very end of things. She begged me not to go, that it was over with the OM, that he was a horrible mistake and she now knows it. But why did I believe her? Why did I wipe her tears away? I wish I had told her how much of a harmful woman she is, how much of a liar she is, and to get the fuck out of my car and my life. I took her back, believed her, and gave her another chance. Only to have her tell me she doesn't love me weeks later, and to get caught texting the OM again

You were patient and loving because you're a patient and loving person. You wanted to save the marriage. Even though your wife was willing to throw your marriage away for a piece of shit, you weren't. If there was a chance to save it, that's what you wanted to do.

I did the same thing. I spent three months on a false reconciliation because I just couldn't imagine living without her. Sometimes I still hate myself for it - and, yes, there was probably some fear and weakness involved in that decision.

But then I made the strong decision - the one that was right for me - to divorce, just like you're doing. Trying to save your marriage doesn't make you weak. You wife throwing it away to screw the first guy who came along: Now that's weak.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2090 | Registered: Jan 2013
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the holy hell was I so damn patient with her? It hurts me so much when I look back. I gave her so much love and kindness only to have her toss me aside at the very end of things.

This demonstrates the kind of person you are versus your ex. Nothing to be ashamed of, and given the short amount of time you've already demonstrated far more integrity and courage than I did in my situation. I waited 4 years in false R knowing that OM#2 would surface sooner or later, as she demonstrated zero remorse or consideration of my feelings of her affair, the damage to our marriage, or my feelings period. Stay strong, it gets better.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all - I needed that. It's been a tough week. I plan on putting it behind me, hitting the gym tonight, then going home to a cup of green tea and a sleeping aide. I could use the rest; I am completely exhausted - emotionally, mentally, and physically.


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably like a lot of us that took the doormat stance for awhile....you wanted to know you had done absolutely everything you could do to save the marriage, so that if it came time to walk away, you would know you had given it your all.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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