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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

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User Topic: A question for men - is it a hassle to have sex?
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like sex is a hassle to my WH.

Wh and I had off half a day yesterday. I hinted and then blatantly told my WH that I would like to have sex.

WH says that every day that we have off work, I expect sex. I told him that is because when we work he always says he is too tired to have sex. So I assume that they days we dont work...he wouldnt be so tired.


WH then complained that there is never any time to just RELAX without kids, without work...just rest. I told him sex is relaxing...he disagreed.

He accused me of just wanting to "get off" and I told him that sex is more to me than that, but it is a connection between us, a loving moment, affection etc.

So I guess Im just feeling down to the fact that I must have picked the only asexual man on this planet, or there is something wrong with me...considering he was able to have sex with OW.

Maybe its his age (him being 8 yrs older than me). He is 41.

Maybe its me and my body is ugly and he isnt attracted to me (he says its not)

Maybe its the kids?

Men please help give me insight. I am lost.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2013
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, heartbroken.

I am not a man, but what he said to you is just douchebaggery. And uncalled for. And in no way HELPFUL to reconciliation!

OK, so he's the WS?

It's possible he wants "easy" sex. Fantasy sex. "no intimacy" sex. Which, frankly, is disordered. AND DOES NOT REFLECT ON YOU.

NOTHING is wrong with you, heartbroken. This is a screwed up man, who instead of manning up and talking with you in a mature manner, turned it around on you and said whatever he could to get you off his back and make you feel like crap.

That he was "able" to have sex with OW is a reflection of his living in the fog, of living in la la fantasyville.

This is NOT on you.

Where are you in terms of reconciliation?

[This message edited by meleanoro at 9:23 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jan 2005
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am posting to let you know I get what you are going through. I dont have much advice. Actually, I was you when it came to me and my WW.

I always felt she was just getting off with me and wasn't making love to ME. I had tried to talk to her about this but it never worked.

It's tough...I know it. I never figured it out and still don't know.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's confusing. The fact is he is probably not being completely honest with you. You may not be dealing with all the facts, and only know the partial truth of what is going on with him. Until you know everything you won't be able to address the problem. At least, that is what it was for me and my WW.


"You will be tried, tested, pushed, betrayed, and hurt. You will feel pain and sorrow. During these moments if you remember but one thing, remember this: Never go to your knees - don't give up." -Justme

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was stressed out, I wasn't always in the mood. It wasn't about the ex, it was about me needing to decompress, and for me, sex was not a good way to do that.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

I'm 46 and I constantly want to have sex with my wife. Sex shouldn't be a chore unless the other partner makes you do so much to get them in the "mood" then after a while it becomes a chore!

Your WH is making excuses. Let me repeat for clarity....YOU WH IS MAKING EXCUSES. I work long hours and I still want to have sex most days. My wife and I don't because she gets so stressed out about all of the housework that she isn't in the mood most days. I find that to be very frustrating and we are working on the issue together.

Even if your husband didn't want a long session, he could easily give you a quickie. Quickie's in the shower are awesome!!! May not be as fully satisfying as a long session but it is far better than nothing.

I realize that sexual desire between couples can have peaks and valleys. I'm pretty sure that post A, sexual desires between spouses can have even more peaks and valleys. I think this is an issue that you need to address with WH and don't let him off with excuses. He really needs to find out why he doesn't want to have sex with you.

Just my $0.02. Hope it helps.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 160 | Registered: Apr 2014
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but is this a trick question? I've never considered sex a hassle. How could "affection, a loving moment, a connection" EVER be considered a hassle?

And so what if you just wanted to get off? Getting off is lovely too! It even is for those of us who are over 40.

If it were just the one time that he wasn't in the mood, I'd say, forget about it. But since this is his regular answer, something is wrong - either emotionally or physically. You two need to talk about this at a time when emotions aren't running so high.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1894 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I guess Im just feeling down to the fact that I must have picked the only asexual man on this planet, or there is something wrong with me...considering he was able to have sex with OW.

Maybe its his age (him being 8 yrs older than me). He is 41.

Maybe its me and my body is ugly and he isnt attracted to me (he says its not)

Maybe its the kids?

Men please help give me insight. I am lost.

It's not physical, and it's not your physical appearance.

My guess is that there is something going on in your relationship, which may be entirely within his own head, that is causing him to not want to have sex with you. It may be a combination of things. He may have a negative self-image of himself or feel some level of shame. He may be harboring some type of resentment or grudge against you. Those would be my top guesses.

Do you ever sit together after the kids go to bed and watch TV? Hold hands, kiss, without sex? Are you affectionate to each other? My guess would be that he is "too tired" or "too stressed" for those things, too.

Also, I would check to see if he is using porn instead of being with you.

I think when you hear of husbands not wanting to have sex with their wives, the reason usually comes from a similar place was when wives don't want to have sex with their husbands. In my experience it usually is negative self image or resentment.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:33 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2014
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do sit on the couch and watch tv together. I rub his shoulders, or feet sometimes. Other times we doo snuggle.

Its just sex that he seems to be too tired for.

Something has to be wrong because he complains he is tired ALL of the time. Even if we get 8 hours of sleep.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's also possible he's 'taking care of business' at other times, and doesn't feel the need to have sex.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has made it clear that he expects you to just be over this by now. He gets angry when you trigger. He is about as unremorseful AS it gets. You used to cry after sex because it triggered you..and it pissed him off. Didn't he tell you he just knew you were using your tears to try and make him feel bad..to punish him? And shortly after thAt, the sex slowed down. Honestly? I think he is withholding to punish you. You cry after sex..then no sex.

By the way...crying after sex when your husband has had an affair...is absolutely normal.

I could be wrong..but considering everything you have posted about him..I don't think I am.

It's just more abuse on top of the abuse he has already piled on you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has never been a hassle for me.

Maybe its his age (him being 8 yrs older than me). He is 41.
41 is most certainly not old and not too old to want sex.

Unless he is doing something else for sex, than he should see a doctor. I continue to read on here and elsewhere, that low testosterone really can cause this.

Maybe a good multivitamin would help him. Is he too tired to do other things like mow the lawn, work on some hobby or whatever.


Posts: 3922 | Registered: Jun 2002
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you found porn on his phone..which is something you think is new for him...So he is taking care of himself.

It has nothing to.do with his age.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure for some men, sex is a hassle. But to the vast majority, it is what we are programmed to do!! If my fww wants sex at 3am (I am out the door at 5am on days I do procedures), well, I'm ready.

Look, I know getting a man to the doctor's office is a challenge, but he needs to have his testosterone level checked as part of a checkup by his GP. It could be physiological.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may or may not be good advice but here it goes!!

What if instead of hinting or telling him you want to have sex you just start making out with him, or seduce him in some way. Make it fun. That might help him feel like you want him, not just the sex. Tell him nonverbally that you want him.

ETA:

is it a hassle to have sex?

Short answer ... no, but sometimes yes Stress or needing to decompress takes the desire away from me.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 12:45 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do sit on the couch and watch tv together. I rub his shoulders, or feet sometimes. Other times we do snuggle.

So it sounds like it's okay with him as long as HE doesn't have to put forth any effort. You're allowed to do nice stuff to him, but don't expect him to reciprocate?

It really does sound like he's just lazy and selfish. Please don't think this has anything to do with your appearance.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1894 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is compared to the ease of porn. He doesn't have to worry about performance, alone. The girl on screen doesn't care if he finishes early... In fact, he can just rub one out really quick, and not even worry about pleasing anyone else. No tired legs or achy knees... At worst a little cramp in the forearm, if it even lasts long enough. In short, it is, if he's selfish and lazy, it is. And I haven't even touched on the avoidance of emotion and intimacy. Sex can be downright exhausting to someone actively avoiding those things...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affection, love, connecting, "getting off" - all positive things in my book, at least within the context of a loving marriage. Things are good now, but I've been in your position a lot these past 18 years HB2012. No words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that you've been heard. This is definitely not a man/woman issue, I know what it's like to feel affection-starved in the marriage. And when the spouse who withholds the affection gives it to someone else, it makes it even worse. I think it's the commitment and true intimacy they can't handle, imo.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what it's like to feel affection-starved in the marriage. And when the spouse who withholds the affection gives it to someone else, it makes it even worse. I think it's the commitment and true intimacy they can't handle, imo.

I'll second this. Sometimes The Princess would be ALL about having sex all the time, then there was one year where we only did it twice! I counted! In recent years, whenever I would suggest it, she would pull out her iPad and watch some porn to "get ready".

All of this stuff was disturbing. Once I found out that she had been screwing everybody else through all of that, it was just fucking insulting. She just liked to have that protective wall of cold/porn around her.

We all deserve better!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1894 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Betrayeduk
♀ Member
Member # 43630
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We seem to be of a similar age. My WH tends to control the physical side. I'm 31 and he's 41. Maybe it is an age thing? I'm now holding back when he wants to get physical. I don't think its revenge. It's taking back control.

I think it is to do with the infidelity. Like a guilt thing maybe? I like to think they don't realise how much it hurts?

Xx


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2014
kenny55
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A guy that age does not pass the chance to get some. I am 8 years older than my WW and I wanted it all the time. He is making excuses maybe out of guilt.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Feb 2009
Topic Posts: 36
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