Learn to Love Yourself, and Be Happy with Who You Are.
So I went down the road of R, and it worked for me. I was fully prepared to D though too, even going so far as having the retainer money ready for the Attorney, and splitting all funds.
I was horribly codependent, I found my happiness in life, based on keeping H and kids happy. A lot of damn good that got me. A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego, and two kids that didn't really respect mom because she was a doormat for H, and them.
I learned to find my own happiness, and put my needs first. I have learned that being strong and independent, and confident is the sexiest thing I can ever do for H. I have learned that I am pretty awesome. I also have the kids respect at a level that is amazing.
Because of finding me I am happy, and I do not tolerate any one disrespecting me. I do enjoy every day. Sure there are crappy times, and things, but for me, I am happy.
Learn to love you, learn to be happy with just you. The rest will follow. Then you will find yourself doing amazing things.
The most important thing that I have learned through this journey is that my self-worth and happiness is not dependent on anyone but me. I know that I have value and that my needs, desires and goals count. Once you have established your priorities, life has a way of falling into place.
A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego
This is so so true. It took me a very long time to realized this was happening to me. Still not sure why they do this. I guess to make us as low as them, they don't want to see us better than them. Not sure but I hear it all the time on SI. What a light blub moment for me.
Yes, we must love ourselves and not take responsibility for someone else's faults even if we love them.
Love kills slowly.
Funny thing is, I did love myself. I was happy with most of my life. I took responsibility for my own happiness. I was strong and independent, too. Because of my FWH's strange working hours (retail management) I was, essentially, a "single" mom. And, FWH resented me for it.
I can remember a few times him looking at me disdainfully and saying "You really think you are something, don't you?" and I was shocked. No, I don't feel I am anything spectacular. However, I like who I am. I have worked hard on myself, starting when I became a mama the first time, 35 years ago. Do I have areas that need improvement? Heck, yeah, but I work on it when I become aware of it and don't beat myself up for it. He resented that I was happy with being me. Because he wasn't happy being him and blamed me for it. He resented that I didn't "need" him. He felt that I only "needed" his paycheck.
OTOH, I was co-dependent, too.
I found my happiness in life, based on keeping H and kids happy. A lot of damn good that got me. A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego, and two kids that didn't really respect mom because she was a doormat for H, and them.
Was that a total t/j of your thread? I am so sorry. I just wanted to agree with you, but to also point out that some BS's already were doing that. Many may say if I was really healthy and loved myself I would have left the shabby treatment. I feel, in the back of my mind, I was getting my ducks in a row. I was dreaming of the day when last son graduated so I could feel free to leave. I was detaching from FWH. Not enough that it didn't hurt like hell when I was betrayed, though.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson