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User Topic: Love Yourself
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok we all know I'm an old veteran here, and there are certain things I spew repeatedly here, but out of all of them, I truly believe that this is the most important lesson in healing.

Learn to Love Yourself, and Be Happy with Who You Are.

So I went down the road of R, and it worked for me. I was fully prepared to D though too, even going so far as having the retainer money ready for the Attorney, and splitting all funds.
I was horribly codependent, I found my happiness in life, based on keeping H and kids happy. A lot of damn good that got me. A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego, and two kids that didn't really respect mom because she was a doormat for H, and them.

I learned to find my own happiness, and put my needs first. I have learned that being strong and independent, and confident is the sexiest thing I can ever do for H. I have learned that I am pretty awesome. I also have the kids respect at a level that is amazing.

Because of finding me I am happy, and I do not tolerate any one disrespecting me. I do enjoy every day. Sure there are crappy times, and things, but for me, I am happy.

Learn to love you, learn to be happy with just you. The rest will follow. Then you will find yourself doing amazing things.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eloquently stated tushnurse.

The most important thing that I have learned through this journey is that my self-worth and happiness is not dependent on anyone but me. I know that I have value and that my needs, desires and goals count. Once you have established your priorities, life has a way of falling into place.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego

This is so so true. It took me a very long time to realized this was happening to me. Still not sure why they do this. I guess to make us as low as them, they don't want to see us better than them. Not sure but I hear it all the time on SI. What a light blub moment for me.

Yes, we must love ourselves and not take responsibility for someone else's faults even if we love them.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jun 2008
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you, tushnurse. Many a BS (and WS, too) come here not happy with themselves or loving themselves.

Funny thing is, I did love myself. I was happy with most of my life. I took responsibility for my own happiness. I was strong and independent, too. Because of my FWH's strange working hours (retail management) I was, essentially, a "single" mom. And, FWH resented me for it.

I can remember a few times him looking at me disdainfully and saying "You really think you are something, don't you?" and I was shocked. No, I don't feel I am anything spectacular. However, I like who I am. I have worked hard on myself, starting when I became a mama the first time, 35 years ago. Do I have areas that need improvement? Heck, yeah, but I work on it when I become aware of it and don't beat myself up for it. He resented that I was happy with being me. Because he wasn't happy being him and blamed me for it. He resented that I didn't "need" him. He felt that I only "needed" his paycheck.

OTOH, I was co-dependent, too.

I found my happiness in life, based on keeping H and kids happy. A lot of damn good that got me. A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego, and two kids that didn't really respect mom because she was a doormat for H, and them.
Actually, for me, it was more just the kids. I had put up a big giant wall with FWH. Because of all the criticism, I knew there was nothing I could do to please him, so basically, in my actions, I just gave him a big "Fuck You!" . I mean, I wasn't 180'ing him physically, but mentally and emotionally I was.

Was that a total t/j of your thread? I am so sorry. I just wanted to agree with you, but to also point out that some BS's already were doing that. Many may say if I was really healthy and loved myself I would have left the shabby treatment. I feel, in the back of my mind, I was getting my ducks in a row. I was dreaming of the day when last son graduated so I could feel free to leave. I was detaching from FWH. Not enough that it didn't hurt like hell when I was betrayed, though.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9792 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a pretty darn happy camper! I worked full time until first child born...then worked per diem on a weekend so kids were never in day care.....
spent lazy days at the beach with kids and other moms...always ate dinner as a family ....you know the drill...loved those days....still do!
I know I can take care of myself if I have too....
Other than this infidelity crap I am still happy....
But I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought and I appreciate knowing that now!
Thank you tushnurse and sistermilkshake...I always love your posts!!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 606 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Topic Posts: 5

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