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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My mom
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are other aspects of my mother that really concern/bother me. Her weight, for one. She is very heavy (perhaps high 200s, possibly more - I'm not sure). She struggles to walk up and down stairs. She has to park close to the door of a restaurant, etc. She has a handicapped tag - I am not sure how she got it - I am not sure if it is just due to her weight (she never discussed it with me). She has to sit at a table, not a booth, at a restaurant because she doesn't fit. I am also very concerned about her health.

We were talking at lunch the other day and she was telling me how next year she wants to go on a river cruise (not with me) through Germany, Austria, etc. I was thinking to myself that if she weighs what she does now, she will never be able to handle the touristy things of walking around. Anyway, during this lunch she told me that she was having a lot of pain in her knees (probably from supporting so much weight) so I told her that she should call a doctor. She said that she was scared to do it. The next day she called me and during the conversation I asked her if she called a doctor. She told me that she hadn't and to not "nag her" about it. I can't tell you how upset that that made me, but did I say anything like I'm worried about her weight? No. I just let it go. Classic pizzalover avoiding problems instead of tackling them head on. She did say that she knows that I love her and care about her. The thing is SHE ISN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT! It is extremely frustrating.

For those of you that read my post from a few months ago, you know that my mom is a hoarder (here is a link to the post: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=525873&HL=38336). I have tried to address the issue with her in a letter (you'll see that in my post), but she was unwilling to talk about it. My IC said that she may not be capable of giving me that emotional validation that I need. She also said that hoarders tend to be people how are not good at dealing with emotions. Her hoarding bothers me very much and has affected me in negative ways. She did make an interesting comment the other day. We were at lunch with my brother's godmother and she asked what my mom has been doing in her retirement. One of the things that my mom said that she was doing was getting rid of junk at her house. I am not sure if that is the truth or it was said for my benefit. Or maybe she is getting rid of stuff but nowhere near what she needs to do. I haven't been in her house in over 3 years when my brother and I initially confronted her, but I know she's still hoarding because I am have seen her car and she hoards in there too.

My mother can be very dismissive and judgmental. A few examples: Years ago when I was elected as secretary of my teachers union, she made a comment like that's good but are you going have time for that. Yes mom. I am going to have time for that. I wouldn't have run if I didn't have time for that. Can you just be happy for me without the judgmental comment (did I say any of this? no) Another example is she would criticize things that BH and I did to our house. She had bought us these stepping stones with the seasons on them. Instead of using them a stepping stones, we propped them against the side of our house (they look very nice), but she criticized what we did. When I am around her, I feel like she is always critical.

My embarrassment about my mom definitely fed into aspects of my affair, especially with AP's mother. In my mind, I somewhat idolized her. She was thin, fit, and attractive. She was a principal and well educated. She was active. Her and AP's dad did a lot of things together - trips, get togethers, etc. She was an great cook (I had dinner there a few times). There house was very neat and tidy. In many ways I wished that my mom was like her.

I am very embarrassed and ashamed of my mom. When I told my IC about how I felt, she said that I shouldn't feel that way, because I am not my mother and she is not a reflection on me. Yet I feel that way. I hope to not feel shame anymore. I can't do anything. She knows how I feel (from my letter) and if she chooses not to do anything about it there is nothing that I can do. My dad divorced her in 2000ish because she was unwilling to deal with these things about her. I feel like that wasn't a wake-up call to her then what is? Does she have to hit rock bottom first like I did at D-day? Is she ever going to own her shit?

I'm just feeling frustrated.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizzalover,

Your mom has a lot of mental health issues and I'm glad you're in IC to learn how to deal with them. Bottom line is, you can't change her, you can't love her into getting healthy...you can only learn how to change your reactions to her and live with it, or not, these are your choices. It sounds like your IC is helping you. Keep at it. Our FOO issues can be heavy but the important thing is that you are working on making yourself healthy. Again, that's all you can do.

I know it's not easy.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38611 | Registered: Sep 2007
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bottom line is, you can't change her, you can't love her into getting healthy...you can only learn how to change your reactions to her and live with it, or not, these are your choices.

That's what I trying to do in IC - change my reactions. It's hard but I'm going to keep working at it. I can't let her affect me as much as I do. You're right - I can't change her - she has to change herself.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right - I can't change her - she has to change herself.
Although this is true, please also know that she may not be CAPABLE of changing herself at this point. Hoarding is closely tied to anxiety (and often trauma), and as a mental disorder, it isn't something that can be changed through sheer willpower.

I know the frustration as well as the concern and fear over her health. It is all so very familiar to me. I know how difficult it is to watch, especially when you are powerless to effect a change on their behalf.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26075 | Registered: Aug 2011
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the frustration as well as the concern and fear over her health. It is all so very familiar to me. I know how difficult it is to watch, especially when you are powerless to effect a change on their behalf.

NIK, I do feel powerless. And I don't know what to do. I guess I just focus on me at this time?


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what you do, hon. It's really the only thing you have power over here, right? Sending you strength and comfort. This stuff is hard.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26075 | Registered: Aug 2011
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NIK! I appreciate it. It's hard, but I'll come through this.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking more today about my relationship with my mom. I am going to make an effort to spend more time with her and try to get to know her. At Christmas she shared all of these stories about her travels as a youth. It made me see her in a different and more positive light. We are going to have dinner on Wednesday night while BH is at his pool league. Maybe if we spend more time together she will eventually start to talk to me about the issues that I need to discuss with her.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. Maybe if we spend more time together she will eventually start to talk to me about the issues that I need to discuss with her.
I wish that for you, but try not to go with any expectations, this way you won't be disappointed.

Just go with the intention of just being with her, no expectations .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38611 | Registered: Sep 2007
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll do that AN. I am not expecting anything. I would just like to try to like her more - I do love her but I don't always like her. Maybe I'll start to understand her more.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you put yourself through that pain? Have you thought about less contact with her.

Like everyone else has said you can't change her. You can change you.

Try to minimize your contact with her until she has not affect on you. Then when you feel strong enough maybe you can tell her face to face how you feel.

Don't let her ruin your life. Be strong and not give a shit about what she says or thinks when she is negative. React only to her when she is positive.

I am sorry that you must go through this my FWW has the same issues with her father. But she is getting better and she is to the point where she does not let it control her.

She still has a long way to go. She says well we cant change him that is who he is, and that is progress.

And I say but he can change himself if he chooses to.

Either way I choose not to be around him and my FWW has minimal contact.


Posts: 267 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the length of time it has taken me to come back to this thread.

10yearsafter

Why do you put yourself through that pain? Have you thought about less contact with her.
Like everyone else has said you can't change her. You can change you.
Try to minimize your contact with her until she has not affect on you. Then when you feel strong enough maybe you can tell her face to face how you feel.

Thing about less contact is that is what I have been doing for years - not having a lot of contact with her. I pushed her away for a long time. I used my BH's mom as a substitute for her for a long time and then I projected all of the ideals that I would want in a mom on AP's mother. I am tired of pushing her away. I want to feel comfortable with her and eventually tell her face to face how she makes me feel. I don't want to hurt her.

A little update on our dinner together that we had on Wednesday:
Before our dinner I had IC. My IC said that I should use the opportunity to have a "lab session" per say. She wanted me to focus on how I was feeling when I was around my mom. Also to focus on how I would respond if they she was critical with me. We practiced some scenarios in therapy so that I would be prepared. I picked her up and already I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed because she was struggling to get into the car due to her weight and her knee problems. I pulled up basically to the door of the restaurant so that she wouldn't have to walk far. When we sat down at the table, we just started by talking about everyday stuff, nothing much with any meat. I found that it is hard for me to look at her sometimes when we talk because I feel so uncomfortable with the way she is.

At first, I wasn't going to ask her anything about my childhood, but I figured I should. My IC asked me to ask my mom about was if I ever had any friends sleep over. The reason for this is that my mother's hoarding started at an early age. She was definitely hoarding during my childhood, but I probably didn't recognize it as that. My IC wanted to try to determine if maybe I started becoming ashamed of my mom at an early age. When I asked her if any of my friends ever slept over she said no. I asked her why and she said that I didn't want them to sleep over. I was probably embarrassed already at that time or was picking up on the fact that there was something wrong in my home. I also asked my mom if I had a lot of friends. I apparently didn't have that many. When she was naming my friends, I remembered them.

My IC also asked me to talk to my mom about who I dated. I brought up a guy I dated in middle school named "M". I remember riding on the Skyride at the local amusement park with him, kissing him in the Tunnel Ride, and somehow I will always associate Hold On to the Night by Richard Marz to him (not sure what the significance of that song was between us though). Anyway, my mom recounted to me that "M" and another guy I knew "P" egged our house, slashed my parents tires, and stole their license plates. We could never prove it was them but my mom said that "M" worked at Dunkin Donuts and when she went in there one day, he couldn't even look at her. "P", back when my FB account was still active, sent me a message saying something like "I know you may not remember what I did, but I am sorry for it and he never forgot about it." It could be in relation to that incident or the time that he chased me through a graveyard (where I felt like he might try to do something sexual to me).

It is amazing that I couldn't remember all of the details of the egging incident. I feel like there is so much from childhood that I can't remember. I am not sure if it was from the alcohol use in college or not wanting to remember things so I blocked them out. (Most of the "relationship" I had with the 19 year old who took my virginity I have blocked out). Maybe traumatic things I can't remember clearly.

A few times during the dinner, she said some critical things, but just like I practiced in therapy I was able to deflect them. For example, my BH and I sometimes let our cats hang out in the backyard. I told her about it and she was sort of like "why would you let them out?" I responded with a smile and a happy "Because they like it outside" and offered to show her a picture.

Anyway, there was a light toward the end of the dinner. When I was showing her my phone, I started talking about apps that I have. My mom doesn't have a computer and her cell phone is pretty old school. She was mentioning that she may want to get a computer or tablet so I was showing her all of the cool stuff that my iPad can do. Anyway, I immediately got excited because she asked me if I can get eBay on there. I almost feel off my chair. When I wrote her the letter about her hoarding, I mentioned that I would help her sell stuff on Craigslist or eBay. She said that she wanted to use eBay to sell some things. I showed her how to use the app. I actually felt like I was helping her in some way. She said that if she decides to get a tablet or computer she would like me to help her. We lingered at dinner for awhile, when I am usually looking at my watch wondering when it will be over. I am not getting my hopes up about her dealing with her hoarding, but maybe this is a small step in me being able to help her to start.

We made plans to have dinner again on Wednesday of next week. I am trying to spend some time with her now before the school year starts. Anyway, I just wanted to share how everything went.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 4:18 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 12

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