I rely so much on him for guidance on how to think and feel
Tell me more about this. Is this unique to your marriage, or have you always relied on others for this kind of guidance?
I think I get what you mean, in your tagline, about "trying to learn how to be human," because I've had similar thoughts. One of the defining characteristics of humanity, though, is fallibility. Making bad choices or mistakes doesn't make you, or me, any less human.
I always considered myself fairly independent, so it is strange to think that I relied on others for guidance on how to think and feel.
I know that none of what I just mentioned is wrong but just the fact that I do things a bit differently, does that mean that I am destined to be unhappy and feel like I'm suppressing myself in the relationship? I don't want him to feel like he always has to be a model citizen for my sake, but generally, he is. I also don't want to act so selfish. It isn't always about how I feel. I need to be able to suppress my own need to feel "content/happy/hyper in the moment" all the time, and recognize what I could be doing to better our future in terms of working harder, developing goals, etc.
He often asks me what I would do if he wasn't around. If I would start drinking again, or go to bars alone, or flirt with men. I wouldn't do those things anymore even if I was separated from him. They make me feel icky to think about.
[This message edited by TheWorstCase at 10:28 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]