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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Forgiveness!?
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard to forgive is to begin healing.

I think I have forgiven, but maybe it is just that I have given up.

It can't be forgiveness if when I think about what he has done it gets me angry and hurt.

I know there is the line. To forgive but not forget.

I will not ever forget. Maybe I can not dwell on it, but then something happens and it comes back.
I won't forget

But can I ever forgive and fully heal?

Maybe forgiveness happens better when the person that inflicted damage is truly remorseful. Maybe you have to get a true apology to forgive.

I don't want to hold onto this.
But the most damage was done when he decided what and how much was talked about it.
When he thought I should just be able to just get over it ....to stop dwelling on it, even after only 4 or 5 months.
When he goes on to have an EA (it may have even been PA but the texts I found can't prove that) after D-Day. And he calls me too sensitive and emotional, because nothing happened. The words were enough for me to be hurt by what they said to each other.
When instead of doing the work I needed, he decides what is good enough. He then buries further into his work...further into his tv sports and blames me for not moving forward in our marriage.

Funny part is that when I tell him I want a separation and for him to work on moving out or getting the finances straightened out so I can move out, he gradually thinks we are getting along better....it's really because I have given up....I have distanced myself from him. I started making plans for myself. Leaving him to himself.
So when he gets served the divorce papers from the lawyer he is "floored". Thought we were getting along better.

How can I forgive a person like this?? When I don't feel any true remorse from him?

Have I forgiven and just am still hurting?
How do I know

I am worried that I won't be able to really forgive and heal properly. I am worried that he is right I just can't let go of things. I am worried I will feel this hidden hate forever .

Sorry this turned into a rant.
There are so many of us hurt so bad.....can we all eventually forgive!!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2905 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no intention of either forgiving or forgetting. However, I no longer wallow in pain or anger over it. Hell, I don't even think about him unless I have to for some real reason! He is irrelevant to me. That indifference comes with time, and is not attached to forgiveness, IMHO. What XPOS did is unforgivable, in my book, and he does not deserve my forgiveness. I have accepted what has happened and moved on. But forgive? Not in my lifetime...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:40 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never forgive him. I don't feel any strong emotions about it (at least until my next trigger??) but I don't feel a need to forgive him. He was atrocious. At this point, working towards forgiveness (and how do you do that anyway?) would give him too much head space.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 458 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe forgiveness happens better when the person that inflicted damage is truly remorseful. Maybe you have to get a true apology to forgive.

I don't believe this is true at all. Forgiveness is all about you. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. To me, in many ways, forgiveness is the opposite of bitterness and is needed for acceptance and peace after this kind of trauma. Without forgiveness, you are holding onto a resentment and bitterness.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning or forgetting, it means the actions no longer have the same power over you. It's saying I *WILL* get better.

That being said, it's not easy, not at all and it's not a one time thing. You can forgive someone and be fine, moving on with life and then BAM some trigger sends you back to the all-consuming rage. So you make a decision to not let this thing have power over you anymore by forgiving.

I have forgiven STBXWH. I am not reconciling. But his actions don't have to control me anymore (USUALLY, I'm a work in progress). In many ways when I'm working on forgiveness it makes him seem irrelevant.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
soveryweary
♀ Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe for some people, they can only truly begin to heal when they forgive.
That's not true for me.
I have not and will not forgive him. But I am well on my way to healing.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 626 | Registered: May 2011
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still trying to figure out what "Forgiveness" truly means.

Merriam-Webster says 'to forgive' is "to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)." I'm a long way from letting go of the anger. And I don't think I'll ever stop blaming Dipshit for the end of our M, because it honestly IS his fault.

Of the two parts of the definition, I prefer to think of it as letting go of the anger, because I hope to achieve that eventually. As far as letting go of the blame? Oh hell no.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad to hear all of these sensible sounding advice.
The anger isn't as consuming for me anymore, but it does rear up fairly often. Yes I do blame him for his selfishness and I think I always will.
I am hoping the anger shows up less when we are actually separated. I do not want him and his actions using up space in my mind for the rest of my life. I want to be happy again.
This gives me hope
Because I don't think I can truly forgive completely.

Thank you all for replying. I am so glad to have someone to talk to


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2905 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgiveness is not an instantaneous event. It's a process. Ultimately your #1 priority should be you and your healing.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15324 | Registered: Jun 2006
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you go by the Webster definition, I call that acceptance, and that's where I am. I happened, it can't be changed, I'm no longer angry about it, I no longer feel the need to castigate him for it, and I no longer think about it.

To me, forgiveness equals absolution, and no, I'm not giving that to him. In fact, I don't feel qualified to give that to him. I have, however, forgiven myself for my part in allowing this to happen (believing the lies, looking for the 'smoking gun' for so long...) and I've examined my reactions and know where I can do better in the future.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20152 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I highly recommend the book

How Can I Forgive You by Janis Springs

You don't have to forgive to heal. That righteous manipulation make my blood boil. It's unfair and it's bullshit.

The book offers many options. You do what works for you.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call that acceptance, and that's where I am. I happened, it can't be changed, I'm no longer angry about it, I no longer feel the need to castigate him for it, and I no longer think about it.
To me, forgiveness equals absolution, and no, I'm not giving that to him.

Ditto Sazzy.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am facing the disappointment of my father at present because I simply don't have it in me to forgive. There is much for me to forgive, Perv is only part of it.

Many people knew what he was doing and did not tell me-over 50, when I used to count-I don't have room in my heart at present when they could not even give me the gift of truth, so that I could save my life and start rebuilding it sooner. Even more than the infidelity, for my own saftey, that of my kids and our life lost, that is what I cannot bear to let go of yet.

Maybe it's that it doesn't matter so much anymore. For me, as my own life is being rebuilt and my kids grow in strength, I am better, but in no way have forgiven anyone, including my own family-and my own mother, who's hurt me in the past in big ways as well. She is one who knew long before I did.

Maybe instead of forgiving we just don't dwell on it anymore and put it away, so that it's not forgive or forget, but not the most important thing anymore.

People I know use their work to hide in, as some people - me-do this with their kids or other vices. Sometimes the best thing we can really do is concentrate on ourselves and let the WS worry about themselves as you said you're doing now. It does help but at first is very hard.

Maybe you will know when it's not the first thing you think of in the morning or the last thing you think of at night. Or when more of your life is about you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you will know when it's not the first thing you think of in the morning or the last thing you think of at night. Or when more of your life is about you.

This I need!! ^^^^^
Hopefully in time. Thanks Ashland

Hurtbs you are right about the #1 priority being ourself.

Sad forgiving ourselves.....that makes sense now that you point it out. Thank you

Betrayd thank you for the book selection.

I think everyone opened up my eyes.
Forgiveness is something that maybe will come after I heal myself. And not so much forgiveness as more of a letting it go.
I will take this word out of my thoughts for now.

Big thanks to everyone!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2905 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
BigMo3516
♂ Member
Member # 30487
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told years ago that forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different. I have found over time that it's a daily thing. You have to wake up everyday and all of the areas of your life let go of that hope that they could of gone the other way. I the book the way of the peaceful warrior a character shares this:

“Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is… The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds. ”

I think forgiveness in the context I describe above allows us the freedom to move forward, Instead of dragging the past around like a child with his favorite stuffed animal. Lay it down let it go and resist it no more. Best of luck to us all.


"Others often have an awareness of, or question, what we think we have been able to conceal or cover."

Posts: 258 | Registered: Dec 2010
SoldieringOn
♂ Member
Member # 29487
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A more classic definition, and one I feel is appropriate, is to say forgiveness means you know longer hold that person in debt. When a spouse cheats on you there is a certain expectation for many people who decide they want to stay together that the spouse who cheated will perform certain actions. Transparency, counseling, maybe change jobs, giving up certain friends, etc. Those are the price to stay in the relationship. When you decide to divorce you're actually taking the first step on a journey of forgiveness. The divorce process can be hell; emotionally, financially, professionally and personally. Things are likely to get way worse before they get better. But eventually after the divorce you will reach a point where you no longer expect your ex spouse make things right. You drop the debt the debt that they owe the relationship and no longer have the expectation that they will do anything to correct their mistake. You don't ever need to allow an individual you've forgiven back into a position of trust in your life. That definition works for me. I've forgiven and moved on, but I won't allow her a position of trust with me on anything. Its not out of spite; I just know that she's a bad credit risk for interpersonal relationships. And she's a black hearted weasel.


Soldier 43
DBGS Ex Wife 42
Were Married 21 Years
Son - 11 years old
D-Day 23 AUG 10
Divorced 5 OCT 11

Posts: 735 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness for me means accepting what has happened and letting it go. Forgiveness is for you, not him.

If you continue to think about it, wallow in the pain of his/her actions, then you will never be able to truly move on. His actions still have power over you and will continue to dictate how you feel and the choices you make. It is not instant but a process and does eventually come if you are open to it.

I will never forget, but I did forgive.


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
23 years of Marriage down the drain
Filed 4/5/11
Divorced 4/17/12

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just know that she's a bad credit risk for interpersonal relationships. And she's a black hearted weasel.

I think I've reached a point where, because I'm increasingly grateful for my current life, I'm more able to let go of my anger. It's not exactly forgiving him, but it's acknowledging that it's the past and not being dominated by it. In other words it is part of healing (and the t word, time) to not be so concerned with forgiveness, and to not find it an idea that makes you angry. Being angry at the idea of letting him off the hook is a perfectly fine reaction to have right now and you shouldn't shame yourself for it. Don't try to rush yourself into forgiveness because you feel like you 'should'; it's okay to honor your anger.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4158 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Sleepingbeauty
♀ Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never forgive. If he is to be forgiven it ill not be here on earth. I do hope with time he will become just a fleeting memory and my ne life will only get better with each passing dy.

Posts: 257 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
sunny58
♀ Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have accepted what has happened and moved on.

Forgiveness is for you, not him.

^^^^
((((hugs))))


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 19

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