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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: After all my work on me, and I go backwards again
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I broke NC last night after having far too much to drink, and more triggers than I could even begin to list. I should have posted here instead. But I didn't. Still codependent...still far from indifferent.
_____________________________

Me:
I went to my coworker's daughter's 3rd bday party today. We should be having a baby right now. I've never been sadder. I don't know if I'll have ever have what they have. I'm so alone it is pathetic. I hate myself for telling you. YOu don't care, you wasted so much of my time and tossed me aside

Her:
I can't stop thinking about having a family either. I would give anything to go back to the day we got married and do things better. I do care. I think about it everyday. I'm alone too. No one understands or cares. I feel terrible for wasting your time. YOu and your family deserve a much better wife and daughter in law. I couldn't face it. It was too hard for me. I would never feel accepted. Why should I be anyways? I did terrible awful horrible things.( you were not thinking about this when you were screwing him in our bed OVER AND OVER and when you were sending him sweet texts in the middle of the night while you were SUPPOSIDLY IN R with ME! )

Me:
You hurt me more than any person. It is so deep I don't know if I'll ever recover. I take sleep aids every night now just to cope. It's better than alcohol. I just want to forget you. But I can't. You're everywhere. No one and nothing replaces you. I hate that I loved you. You left such a hole.

Her:
I will never be able to make it right or make it up to you. I'm so fucking sorry.

Me:
I wish that helped. I really do. I am so jaded. I trust nothing and no one.

Her:
Nothing will help, I know. I stay away and don't reply so you can move forward. Not everyone is evil like me. There's good people in the world like you.

Me:
I said some things here about a new job I had been working hard to obtain, but how terrified I am and how I will perform, and how I finally got it. It has to do with youth, and how I am being instructed to seek more therapy for my divorce and wife's affair before being able to start. I am not inserting this part of the text in order to protect my identity.

Her:
:( I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. I wish I could go back. I wish I would have been what you needed and deserved.

Me:
You had your chance but you chose to contact OM again because you were "bored." It feels like you took a car and ran my heart over, only that you kept going regardless that you heard me scream in pain. That's what your false reconciliation did.

Her:
It wasn't false.

Me:
Yes it was. You just don't see it yet. You hurt me more than any person ever has. It doesn't matter. I need to move on. Goodnight.

Her:
It was just wrong. I realized it at the concert we went to. When we were about to leave and they player their encore song. Did you see that couple in front of us? Dancing and laughing and singing together? We were never going to have that. I had done too much damage. What would a baby have changed? You would have wondered...the first thought that would have ran through your head would have been, "is it mine?" There is no deeper sorrow and regret that I feel then for what I have done to you. Trust me I am saving your life by staying away and allowing you to heal and move on. I can't hurt you anymore if I disappear.

Me:
You're right. You did so much damage. Especially when you decided to contact OM again after everything. I don't know if you will ever understand the pain you caused that day ( I am talking about our last moment together early last month and what finally caused me to leave the marriage for good). I walked away, drove to a secluded spot, and just cried, my heart has never been so broken. You left something so permanent and deep. You don't get it and may never. You're wrong, you will always leave a hurt with me. It is what your carelessness has left in me. You may never really understand and that's just my reality. I hope someone comes along to show me what I deserve, but to be honest I don't believe in that anymore. I rather be alone than to ever love someone as much as you just to be screwed over in the end. That's MY truth. I regret being vulnerable to you again. It does no good. I was at least proud before for being strong and not contact you. I can't believe you contacted OM for attention again. I just can't believe it. I want anything I have for you or feel for you to just die. I don't want to care anymore. I want it dead. I honestly hate you for what you did. I wish I was better than this. But I am not. The pain is so fucking deep. I would have loved you forever and through anything. You were so careless with it and me. YOu turned out to be your mother. You may never really get how in the end, you made me feel like I was thrown away by you like a piece of trash... that's the best way I can describe how I feel...like a piece of trash. Nothing less and nothing more.

Her:
:'( ok you can stop now. Goodnight

Me:
You didn't stop. Up till the very end you kept on. I know you can't and won't face or deal with what you've done to me. One of these days i'll become indifferent to you and not need you.

Her:
I'm facing and dealing with it. I am not my mother. I know what I've lost. I know what my actions have caused me.

Me:
Sure but I'm your casualty. Glad to know you're dealing with it though. That's awesome. I loved you and believed you were remorseful. Stupid me. I'm sorry. Opening up to you doesn't help either of us anymore. I promise eventually I wont need you anymore soon. I mean it.


_________________________

I needed to get this out to people who understand what it's like going a 100 steps back after working so hard to go just one step forward. I wish I didn't contact my stbxww. All I did was cause more hurt to myself. Why did I contact her anyway? What was I expecting or wanting? Maybe I was hoping for her to relieve the pain I was in last night. How? I don't even know. Maybe I just wanted her to take away what she did.

I truly wish I did not love this woman. Looking back on our conversation in last night's texting bring me even more frustration (if that is even possible). She doesn't get it and never will. She's a coward and uses all her excuses as if she's doing me some big fucking favor for walking away from our marriage. It is pure bullshit. If it were true she wouldn't have betrayed me and our marriage AGAIN by contacting the douche bag behind my back.

I don't know... in a way I am glad I contacted her. I think her words and lack of remorse (all she has is guilt and regret) helped kill off the last remaining part of what love I have left for her. It is almost dead and the sooner it happens the better off I will be. I hate that she doesn't get it. I can't seem to let go of this anger and sadness over the fact she doesn't freaking get what she did. I really hate how I can't get rid of what she did to me. I can't begin to describe even what it actually has done to me. I don't have the words for this. She's a master manipulator and always will be.

Thank you for listening to me. I could use your input and clarity.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 9:33 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


"You will be tried, tested, pushed, betrayed, and hurt. You will feel pain and sorrow. During these moments if you remember but one thing, remember this: Never go to your knees - don't give up." -Justme

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after I left The Princess, I tried to engage in these kind of "exit interview" conversations on a regular basis. All it ever did was cause more pain.

While you probably do need to investigate these thoughts further, you know that she is not the one to do it with. She won't be able to say the things to make you feel better, or give you closure. But you already know this.

Don't feel down on yourself for doing this. You didn't take "a hundred steps back": You slipped. You broke no contact, and it hurt like hell.

Try to remember this pain the next time you want to contact her. Maybe that'll help you to not do it again.

Take care.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1896 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. It's painful, but don't contact her. It just adds to the pain.

She doesn't care. If she cared, she wouldn't have done it over and over.

Turn your focus inward. Big hug.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just like you, and despite all the excellent advice to the contrary, I touched the hot stove. I knew there was a huge chance it would really, really hurt but I did it anyway. Sure enough, I got burned. Badly.

Don't touch the stove again. You know what happens when you do that.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had many of these types of calls trying to "understand" trying to figure out the why. Reconciling the checks and balances of the ending of the relationship and trying to figure out why I wasn't good enough. Her words sounded so familiar. "I screwed up and you will never forgive me. I am lonely too, I I I I I.

Once your head and heart are on the same page and you really understand that it wouldn't have mattered who they married, they would have cheated. Broken is broken, we were collateral damage.

Forgive your heart, she was your person you went to with your problems and emotions. It is a hard habit to break when you bond as a married couple.

Next time, call a friend or just block her number.

Detachment will happen. Take time to heal and get her out of your system so when the right woman comes along you will be ready. You also won't just grab and marry the first one because you want a family so bad.


Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing she can say that will help you ease the pain she has caused. She repeated the pain. She didn't make the mistake just once.
Work on healing. Don't contact her anymore. There is nothing she can ever say that will make the pain go away and it doesn't matter how much we wish there was. It just brings more pain realizing this

Big hugs


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I'm so sorry. That was torturous to read.

I rather be alone than to ever love someone as much as you just to be screwed over in the end.

I sooooo feel this way right now. When someone figures out how to move past that shit, we need to vow to post it here on SI. I feel like he has damaged me beyond repair to the point that I don't know if I can be a suitable partner for someone again.

(((Hugs)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel down on yourself for doing this. You didn't take "a hundred steps back": You slipped. You broke no contact, and it hurt like hell.

Try to remember this pain the next time you want to contact her. Maybe that'll help you to not do it again.

You are completely right here. It is nice being reminded. Thank you

She doesn't care. If she cared, she wouldn't have done it over and over.

A very hard reality, but it's the truth.

Her words sounded so familiar. "I screwed up and you will never forgive me. I am lonely too, I I I I I.
Once your head and heart are on the same page and you really understand that it wouldn't have mattered who they married, they would have cheated. Broken is broken, we were collateral damage. Forgive your heart, she was your person you went to with your problems and emotions. It is a hard habit to break when you bond as a married couple. Next time, call a friend or just block her number. Detachment will happen. Take time to heal and get her out of your system so when the right woman comes along you will be ready. You also won't just grab and marry the first one because you want a family so bad.

Thank you - seriously - thank you very much for this.


There is nothing she can say that will help you ease the pain she has caused. She repeated the pain. She didn't make the mistake just once.
Work on healing. Don't contact her anymore. There is nothing she can ever say that will make the pain go away and it doesn't matter how much we wish there was. It just brings more pain realizing this

You're 100% right. There is nothing she can say that will help. It was always about actions - always. This helps me not want to contact her anymore.

I sooooo feel this way right now. When someone figures out how to move past that shit, we need to vow to post it here on SI. I feel like he has damaged me beyond repair to the point that I don't know if I can be a suitable partner for someone again.

That's my fear too. Not being able to be a suitable partner with someone else...too closed off, unable to allow myself to love them as much as the WW. Fear of trusting again... you get the point. I think that's what pisses me off the most about what my WW did. She can walk away along her merry way and not have to see the damage she left behind. Eventually I will figure out a way to move past this. Be able to trust again, and be a suitable partner to someone great. No clue how, but I will figure it out. I could care less about revenge, but moving past her and all her bullshit is the best possible form of justice.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 1:51 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


"You will be tried, tested, pushed, betrayed, and hurt. You will feel pain and sorrow. During these moments if you remember but one thing, remember this: Never go to your knees - don't give up." -Justme

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can walk away along her merry way and not have to see the damage she left behind.

She may refuse to see the damage that she has left behind with you, and she may not even notice it's there. That's not the damage she has to worry as much about. SHE is severely damaged. That's what she REALLY has to fix, or the way she goes along never has any chance of being merry.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1896 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole thing is a process. Healing is not linear, as much as we all hope and wish it would be.

Expect setbacks. Expect the occassional bad day. It happens. You're only human. My fav questionfor myself is "who died and made me God?" (Until that happens,not holding my breath )

firm believer in honesty so...try to cut yourself some slack. Try to figure out what you hoped to gain from engaging and work on that. Though sometimes its as simple as "done taking high road, regardless of costs" and letting WW know we recognize their shit and not taking it anymore. regardless of the pain now,better than pain of being with them.

But then I'm justa bitch at times


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please be patient with yourself, you really are still making progress, sometimes it just feels like it's backwards.

It is so hard to not contact, really, really hard. I still struggle with it. I know that it ends up hurting me more, he does not have the capacity for empathy or remorse. Reading your interaction with you stbx was so familiar to me, almost verbatim to the convos with my stbx.

Even though I know it will hurt it is still so hard not to contact. It's almost like we need more proof to really believe that they are as cold and selfish as we think they are.

I wish that I could tell you that it gets easier but I am not there yet either. I do know that when I can maintain NC, I feel better, stronger, less at his mercy.

I must admit though it did feel good to tell him to google "sociopath". He actually posted about it here in wayward.

Her words really do sound so selfish, all about her and how her actions have hurt her. It is mind boggling, the thought process is just so convoluted. Makes you grateful that you can't quite grasp it, grateful that we don't think like that.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1330 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much all of us have been there. You know not to contact, but you think that maybe you have the magic words and can make them see. But if you had been able to convince her last night, all you'd be setting yourself up for was another round of False R.

Have you read the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott? There is also a book frequently recommended here called "Journey from Abandonment to Healing."

I know it's small comfort now, but you will get there. You (and I) were very lucky (as lucky as anyone in our situation can be) that you didn't have kids with her. So you can go true NC and heal more quickly.

I know you can't see it now, but someday this will be something in your past.

Humans are terrible at knowing how we're going to feel in the future (I'm reading "Stumbling on Happiness" right now which summarizes a lot of the research that has been done on these topics and it's pretty eye-opening.)

Believe that you will get there. It gets so much better. Be kind to yourself.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Dec 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((justme)) I wish I could give you a glimpse of how wonderful your future can be. But I can't so you have to be in this hell for a little while.

I am thankful every single day that the sad clown was such a monster after S. It made letting go of him and the future I thought I was going to have and worked so hard for so much easier.

I've been where you are now. You HAVE to stop contacting her or responding. There comes a point where it becomes an act of self harm as well has delaying and derailing your healing.

Last year I posted about the Final S email exchange. You'll see many of the same things. Read it knowing what I have to deal with now. Read it knowing that 20w later this then 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/I office gopher to my then 4.5 and almost 2 year olds as his GF. She wasn't even DDOW. I didn't realise she was an OW until she was about to meet my children. It just about killed me. Honestly.

He meant none of it. He felt bad for making me feel bad momentarily but it wasn't any kind of remorse.

Here it is if you're interested.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500928&HL=35229

I read this here recently and it hit me hard in the guts: "There's nothing crueller than having an Exit A and not exiting."

It is cruel. Agonisingly cruel.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB I read your post and it was a hard read. I can't fucking fathom what it felt like having that OW meet your children. My heart breaks for you. I am just so sorry. There are not any words..there just aren't.

I won't be contacting her anymore. I can't take the constant disappointment to my hope that she is capable of empathy and remorse, only to be reminded she is not. She can't even see that her attempt to R was false for fawk sake! I meant what I said to her...I want anything and everything I feel for her to die. There is nothing left in this marriage but pain.

This entire weekend and today is some of the hardest I have had yet. My heart is starting to come to terms with what my mind already has - my stbxww is incapable of being remorseful. Not just that, but she is also utterly blind to the damage she's done. The only thing she may know is what it has done to her life.

I can't remember where I read it, it may have been in this post...someone said how they are thankful their Wayward forced them to walk away... and how using an exit A was especially cruel. I believe my wife did this very thing by contact OM again during our reconciliation.

I don't GET how she doesn't see that her reconciliation was false. It is as plain as can be. How doe she continue to believe she was remorseful? The only answer I can find for myself is that it is because she has no empathy and is deeply self-centered, selfish, and does not love me. Or at least in the healthy sense of love. I believe she loved me how she knew how to at the very least. I know it in my mind, but my heart is struggling to come to terms with it. It is near impossible to accept that this woman I adored so very much, the same woman with the incredibly adorable laugh, heart wrenching smile, heart-melting eyes, immense amount of passion, refreshing humor, incredibly smart, and the list goes on, can be so un-remorseful and destructive to the one man in her life to loved her completely and without restrain. It is cruel and heartbreaking.

This is what keeps me in bed in the morning longer than I rather. My heart can't yet accept that the woman I once thought was my best friend turned out to be my biggest mistake - such a liar and cheater.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 11:59 AM, August 4th (Monday)]


"You will be tried, tested, pushed, betrayed, and hurt. You will feel pain and sorrow. During these moments if you remember but one thing, remember this: Never go to your knees - don't give up." -Justme

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point, you will stop caring. That is the truth. It will take some time but you will STOP caring.

Every day that you don't text or call you grow stronger and your broken bond grows weaker. When the divorce becomes final, you will have NO need to contact her which will further weaken your bond.

My X and I have been divorced for over 4 years. I go days, weeks, months without any random thought about her. I have no desire to contact her and ignore any and all texts and emails. I go out of my way to block her attempts to contact me because I just don't give a flying f*ck about her or her life. I don't miss thinking about her. I don't miss being with her. I don't miss hearing anything about her and her life.

My motto now about my X is I could care less or "ICCL" as my dad likes to say.

I'm not going to say this will be easy or that you won't fall off the NC wagon again. Disengaging is hard. I have struggled with this for YEARS with all of my relationships. It took me a long time to disengage when a relationship ended. I've finally learned the skill. Doesn't mean I don't think about some things from time to time but I don't dwell on it either.

One day in the future you will think about your STBXWW and you will go ICCL! When that moment comes the weight will be gone and you really won't care. It is a great feeling! The pain she inflicted on you will lessen and may one day go away. Your future will be better.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2014
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Frmr - I look forward to the ICCL day. Although it is near impossible for me to imagine what it would look like not caring about my stbxww. I can't fathom not caring about her. Maybe that's my problem.


"You will be tried, tested, pushed, betrayed, and hurt. You will feel pain and sorrow. During these moments if you remember but one thing, remember this: Never go to your knees - don't give up." -Justme

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up. I think most of us have done this at one point or another. I did this in the beginning too. the Gnat would send me back these really "apologetic" texts. All the while he had already moved his whore in with him and just hadn't bothered to tell me yet.

You will move past this. Now, I can't even imagine allowing him to see anything personal about me or my life. I keep him at arm's length. He's just some creepy stranger that I unfortunately have to co-parent with. I do still get sad at times, but it's just at the injustice of my current situation. It's not about him anymore. I don't miss him even a little but any longer. You will get to this point too.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 890 | Registered: Mar 2013
LoveHerStill
♂ Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to your pain hustle, you have described many of my feelings. Sometimes it is just impossible to accurately describe feelings with words, they just fall short.

My XWW would not allow me any exit interviews. She would just say "I don't see how any of this is helpful, I'm gonna go now." It was incredibly cruel too. Your XWWs lack of accountability and remorse is truly cruel as well. I believe that they do know that what they did was so cruel and so beyond the pale, that they themselves don't know what to do to come back from it. They are litterally at a loss for what to do. So they run. They run from the BS. They run from themselves by ignoring the BS pain and trying to justify their behavior. They must run from it because it is too horrifying for them to look at it, to face it, and to try to reconcile with the BS. They are broken and not capable of the work necessary to reconcile and work on themselves. Once I realized this about my XWW, it helped me understand the big picture better. The pain is still there, but in a way slightly reduced because of this realization.

It does get better with time. It can be quicker if you start to truly focus on you and your new life, at least for me, when I finally focused on me and my life, healing seemed to accellerate.

I am a slow learner. I wouldn't do NC becausse I believed it would drive her away and I subjected myself to solo much unnecessary pain. Once I finally did NC, and it took several failures to get it right, I started feeling obcessed and experienced much less pain. NC is really fundamental to healing.

Strength and honor brother!


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 462 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
LoveHerStill
♂ Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to your pain justme, you have described many of my feelings. Sometimes it is just impossible to accurately describe feelings with words, they just fall short.

My XWW would not allow me any exit interviews. She would just say "I don't see how any of this is helpful, I'm gonna go now." It was incredibly cruel too. Your XWWs lack of accountability and remorse is truly cruel as well. I believe that they do know that what they did was so cruel and so beyond the pale, that they themselves don't know what to do to come back from it. They are litterally at a loss for what to do. So they run. They run from the BS. They run from themselves by ignoring the BS pain and trying to justify their behavior. They must run from it because it is too horrifying for them to look at it, to face it, and to try to reconcile with the BS. They are broken and not capable of the work necessary to reconcile and work on themselves. Once I realized this about my XWW, it helped me understand the big picture better. The pain is still there, but in a way slightly reduced because of this realization.

It does get better with time. It can be quicker if you start to truly focus on you and your new life, at least for me, when I finally focused on me and my life, healing seemed to accellerate.

I am a slow learner. I wouldn't do NC becausse I believed it would drive her away and I subjected myself to solo much unnecessary pain. Once I finally did NC, and it took several failures to get it right, I started feeling less obcessed and experienced much less pain. NC is really fundamental to healing.

Strength and honor brother!


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 462 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
norabird
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Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This reminds me eerily of the chats I had with my exWBF after DDay2, when shit was really truly over and yet I somehow needed to keep hashing it out, to be reassured in a sick way that he did love me and was sorry, despite the obvious actions to the contrary. It's not the best thing but it's human. It's okay. You've hurt yourself and now know to avoid hurting yourself in this way again--or else you'll learn the lesson next time. We can't turn off our vulnerability and pain and love just because we should. Next time, try to just sit with your feelings of pain instead of going for the old faux reassurance and escape...but forgive yourself for this, too.

((((Justme)))))

Maybe drink less too!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
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