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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dd's first overnight with ex and ow
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never responded negatively to him about not responding to my text. I got his text last night, and responded this morning, saying that her staying the night again is fine, as that is part of our custody agreement anyways, and just said "please have her call me tonight so I can say goodnight" and left it at that. I have learned to not respond with anger. It never gets me anywhere.

I know dd cannot choose where to live. Its hearing her say these things though. Its him getting the satisfaction that she chooses him over me. Is ow getting the satisfaction that she not only "won" him, but my dd as well. I would NEVER agree to let dd live with him. She's my baby. My mini me. My "best friend". Will she view his place as more family oriented because there is a daddy and a "mommy" figure there??? I just don't know. That is my fear...


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

......so I just saw that you're already divorced and so your custody stuff is already settled.

When we modify I will make sure this is touched on more clearly.
.....but I think that everything I said still stands since it sounds as if you guys are going to be going back to court. Is there an actual modification scheduled or are you just assuming it's going to happen at some point? Either way, continue to follow your current decree and document all events that occur.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its him getting the satisfaction that she chooses him over me.
Your ex is an immature ass. Parenting is not a contest.
I completely understand having an ex/stbx who has to make YOU 'less than' because s/he gets some kind of superior feeling to do that. It's quite sickening.

Just remember her age and her development. At 4, one day she's gonna love green lollipops the mostest and think they're the BEST ONES EVER, and the next she'll hate them with a passion and insist on throwing them all out into the backyard.

Also, try not to *believe* what your ex is saying because it's most likely a version of reality that he's twisted into a way that suits him best, kwim?

You are your DD's mom. No one else will ever have that claim to fame.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe, My sister is loaning me the money, I am hiring my divorce lawyer again to modify our custody and child support agreement, as so far (knock on wood) we both agreed on the terms. Our divorce decree states he gets her every other weekend. That was written up when I was pregnant. Now that dd is older and knows her daddy and wants to spend time with him, I have agreed to 50/50--my state would have enforced that anwways. I talked with my lawyer, and on her advice, agreed to terminate child support as well, since we are 50/50. ex has agreed his is responsible for 1/2 of her childcare bill, 1/2 of her medical bills, and 1/2 of all of her extracurriculars (monthly payments, registrations fees, accessories, costumes, etc, 1/2 of EVERYTHING related to extracurricular). I will also have her put in there that on my time with her, he has access via phone/text to speak to dd daily, and vice versa. I am not interested in keeping dd from him or in using her as a pawn. I am not interested in "proving" she loves me more. I just wnat my daughter on my time, spend quality time with her, and I want her to have a meaningful, quality time with her daddy as well. I just want whats best for dd, even if it hurts me.

If anyone has any other suggestions for modifications as well, I am more that eager to hear! I want to make sure I cover all of my bases.


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could there be something in the about when a parent doesn't consistently take their time? I've seen so many times where an XWH fights for 50/50 in order to avoid CS. Or takes it until the shiny newness wears off then can't be bothered.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly-

My lawyer actually did mention this, and said in that case, I would need to do another modification. She said I cannot force a parent to spend time with his/her kid, but that modification is always on the table, and if he slacks in getting her, then I would have to modify again. I guess I could have it worded in there that if he goes below 50/50, then I will have the "right" to modify the agreement and child support. I'm sure that won't fly with him, but it can't ALL be his way or the highway. For the most part, I am working with him as his requests aren't completely insane. They are actually reasonable requests. I am worried that because I do not react the way he probably wants me to react (with anger and fighting) that he may up teh ante and try something ridiculous. I just want to move on and have zero interest in teh drama. So hopefully, he feels the same way. Fingers crossed!


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not interested in keeping dd from him or in using her as a pawn. I am not interested in "proving" she loves me more.
I *get* this. I believe that you have very good intentions and are attempting to co-parent in a responsible manner.

I was just curious about the modification since I kinda have a "if it ain't broke, don't mess with it" attitude. I'm concerned that you are going out of your way to show your willingness to *work with him* by LEGALLY giving up time with your DD and CS from him......while he's acting sketchy (ie: the *missed* good-night call). The LAST thing that you want to do is give up whatever legal entitlements you have now...only to end up back in court because your ex is unwilling to uphold his end of the agreement, kwim? Once you give up and forego what you have now, it'll be REALLY hard to *go back*.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. I am hoping...I hope my lawyer gives me good advice. I was actually thinking about not modifying for a few months, that way I can gauge how he will be with visitations. Technically, since I am the only one who works (he does not work, ow supports him), I would owe him child support, so I'm trying to protect myself too. I honeslty think he would do better with ever other weekend and one night a week. But, we will see. I may wait until October to modify to see how he does...


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
vcr1995
♀ Member
Member # 22106
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why you are borrowing money to change things for his benefit. Once she starts school, 50/50 may not work for you or your dd. Would you both be zoned for the same school? Will he work with her on homework? If you have her 90% of the time now, he is Disney dad, and that will change once he has her 50% of the time. What are you going to do if she decides it's not as fun anymore and cries to go back to the way it was. He won't agree to going back to paying child support and you will have trouble modifying it back.

Posts: 302 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 29
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