"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sarahstar posted 8/4/2014 00:19 AM

My WH betrayed me about 2mths ago with a prostitute. He got caught and has been remorseful. He previously had been caught with phone sex calls, porn, casual sex sites (for curiousity) and he also recently told me that he went for a massage with a happy ending, although he said it was way overrated and it was more a 'd'massage and he never actually came. Anyway, I wanted to reconcile and we have been having the best sex we have had in a long time. I finally felt as though I had my husband back. Then we did a stupid thing and I said why don't we look at these casual sex sites together and have a bit of fun with messages. HUGE MISTAKE! I wanted to somehow share his whatever it is that he likes and this most gorgeous woman sent him naked photos and really wanted him to meet her. We sent some messages together and laughed about it. It was a little harmless fun until one day they sent over 100 email messages to each other then more the next day after I told him I felt it went too far. That night I came home and he had written this erotic story for her that he was going to send then he was BREAKING it off!!! He asked if I wanted to read it and I started to and it literally broke my heart that he wrote that for her. There is no more messages apparently but I have this horrible feeling they are going to meet. He said he isn't interested in sex with her but is curious what she actually looks like.
I truly feel like I cant trust him now. I said I thought we were going well how can you get emotionally attached to this woman as he was concerned that she might be hurt him not having any more contact. She is a stranger, I am his wife. He should care more about my feelings than hers!! Have I really got a sex addict for a husband? I am so so disappointed in him. Even he got shocked that he got attached to her. I told him just don't send anymore messages you don't have to she is a stranger but he did to say that he loved me and it was to stop... so he said. So devastated AGAIN!
BW me 44
WH him 45
dday 10th june 2014
married over 25yrs

Lark posted 8/4/2014 00:31 AM

Hugs!!

are you guys in MC? IC?

From reading on here, it seems to be a normal part of trying to cope with what happened by trying to experience it in some way - by visiting the spots. So I imagine wanting to look at the sites is akin to that for you as the BS, to get a sense of what he was doing.

I'm sorry that it seems to have revealed him, though.

What work was he doing prior to all of this? Why did you feel things were going great?

Does he interpret you wanting to look at the sites as you being open to the idea of an open-marriage or 3ways or that looking at the sites is something to be taken lightly?

sarahstar posted 8/4/2014 00:59 AM

It was just for fun but I think once again he got carried away with the thought of having sex with someone else. He would never want an open marriage but did ask me about a threesome with this woman as she was open to it. Really just an excuse to have sex with someone else I think.
As for why I think our relationship was going great... We were talking more and could laugh about all the stupid things he had done. I kept saying that he was lucky that he had a good wife and that it was lucky I loved him so much with all that he had done over the years. He agreed and said that he can't believe how stupid he has been and that he did really love me. I know when my husband lies and our conversations have felt very honest. Some tricktruthing did come out and that wasn't the best to hear but at least it was coming out. Laughing about it all has been my way of coping otherwise I think I would go crazy. I believe he does truly love me. Maybe because we got together so young he feels he missed out? I don't know.

Rubix posted 8/4/2014 02:34 AM

Hey Sarah star. I asked my WH the same thing. Mainly, I was curious what all the fuss was about. We never did it and he didn't want to. It is sex addict behaviour. Someone lovely in here last night told me it's what they do when they don't get excited by porn anymore. As for weather they have/will meet, I can't tell you. Some men just like the fantasy, others take it too all the way. I'm very sorry your here. (((hugs)))

confused615 posted 8/4/2014 04:47 AM

I'm afraid you may have opened that door back up for him....and now he will blame you, saying you encouraged it.

Please keep in mind....this is not innocent fun. Most likely, those words.an are married...they usually are. And their husbands have no idea their wife is cheating.

I'm sorry. Did you tell him he could continue messaging her the next day when he was alone? We're there any rules at all.

I think you are right..He is going to meet her.

determinata posted 8/4/2014 05:47 AM

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. Your husband is displaying classic sex addict tendencies and you are behaving like a coaddict / codependent. This does not seem like 'classic' infidelity in any sense. There is a thread for Partners and Spouses of Sex Addicts in the 'I Can Relate' forum. I will bump it for you. Please, get yourself tested for STDs (full panel) and seek help. This isn't your fault per se but it is time to stop the dysfunction. Hugs to you.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/4/2014 06:46 AM

I'm not an expert by any means on sex addiction but I can't imagine this kind of behavior being anything but totally unhealthy. It concerns me that you "laugh about it to cope".

You mentioned "things he has done over the years", and I see you've been married over 25 years. How long has he been involved in "things" outside the M?

I would get tested for STD's and quickly! And please, get professional help...If he won't consent to go,do it for yourself! This is not NORMAL behavior and I'm afraid right now you are being an enabler to him.

Hugs to you, this cannot be easy to deal with. Make him be accountable for his own actions.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/4/2014 07:35 AM

Well, if it's any consolation, unless your husband looks like Brad Pitt (which I highly doubt) no beautiful woman is going to be that interested in a married man (unless she's whacked out of her mind).

She MAY be a prostitute or have a paid website she's charming him into joining, or she MAY be an overweight, frumpy housewife living vicariously through a beautiful woman's picture she got on the internet.

Aside from that, your husband is constantly looking for a cheap thrill on the side. Hook up sites, massage parlor happy endings (you don't really believe that nonsense that he didn't 'finish' at the massage parlor, surely?), sex phone lines, and on and on and on. The guy clearly has no boundaries and it's very hard to believe he's 'remorseful' just because you caught him. I think he's regretful that you caught him, but I don't see ANY remorse whatsoever.

Then, you try to have an open mind and do a little exploring with him on one of his sites and he acts like a hormonal teenage boy and completely kicks you in the face.

Look, I totally get what you were trying to do. I GET it. But the guy feels zero remorse for what he does. Zero.

I know quite a few men who feel 'deprived' that they'll only have sex with one woman for the rest of their lives and they feel entitled - and justified - to continually try to find other women who'll have sex with them. Your husband is one of those men. They feel completely entitled and that's why they have zero remorse.

I was married to a guy just like your husband and left him. My husband, too, claimed to "love me," but that alone wasn't enough to satisfy his constant need to have other women.

Lastly, just because your husband is lamenting about what a bad guy he 'used' to be, don't let that fool you. The SECOND he got attention from someone else (the supposed 'beautiful woman' on the hookup site who I still think isn't real) he was off and running.

He hasn't changed. The things he's saying are NOT matching up with his actions.

Talk is cheap. Hell, it's FREE.

His actions tell a different story.

Good luck to you.

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 08:39 AM

Yes its a dangerous path. I had a similar experience, kind of "if you can't beat 'em" attitude. Not a revenge affair but joining in with porn and chatting to get some of that sexual freedom I was jealous of. This was before the real truth came out and when the story was very different (turned out to be emotional as well).

I soon turned into a bit of a monster and realised that it wasn't for me, what I wanted was a faithful, honest, intimate relationship and that wasn't where it was. We now have a no porn rule and are focussing on ourselves.

So I guess you need to reset the boundaries according to what you want and need and see if he wants the same. If not, you are better placed to make a decision.

fortitudo posted 8/4/2014 08:48 AM

So sorry Sarah--my WH age 60 was hooked on Ashley MAdison and then solicited prostitute--he could never get any of the AM cheaters to actually meet him. In this day and age it is virtually impossible to prevent our husbands from seeing pictures of half naked women--its so prevalent in our culture. I looked at the AM stuff after he gave me his secret email and password and was repulsed by the women on there. He was incredibly embarrassed watching me look at the pathetic women he contacted. My point is that no matter what unless these men fix whats broken inside they will be triggered by the constant barage of nearly pornographic pictures that are an integral part of todays media. Its NOT YOU, IT IS HIM. I told my WH he spent the last 2 1/2 years training his brain circuitry to want to have sex with ANYONE BUT ME. And I spent that time reinforcing my brain to ONLY WANT HIM-because my marriage vows meant something. Sometimes the knowledge I honored them is the only shred of dignity I can hold on to.

k94ever posted 8/4/2014 09:32 AM

Sarah.....look, we told you there was more to his story than what he was telling you. And he's STILL lying to you and you STILL want to believe him.

He's putting things in place to meet up with this woman. And placing you on the fringes to up the titillation factor because you "kinda/sorta" know about it and "kinda/sorta" gave your permission to allow it because both of you messaged this woman.

Stop it. Stop it now. You are enabling him to cheat on you.

k9

outtanowhere posted 8/4/2014 10:01 AM

I agree with K9. SA's have a cycle. Once that cycle has started it usually ends with acting out. Maybe you aren't ready to hear the truth sarahstar but, for your sake I hope you start listening.

Giving him ANY kind of permission to engage in illicit activity is playing with fire and you will find yourself burned yet again. Please get some help. This is NOT going to go away without some intense work on his part and, so far, he hasn't had much of a reasons to seek it out as you seem to be turning a blind eye.

Lark posted 8/4/2014 10:38 AM

Unfortunately, while i understand the need to try and make light of it think its good to talk, it doesnt sound like he was putting in any work to address or change anything. WS dont change because they can joke and answer questions. They change by addressing the cause while healing the consequences.

Do you think, affait and him removed, it is ok to play on these types of sites? Is it ok if he uses them "to play"?

I think establishing boundaries of what is not actually lighthearted fun will be important.

I think mc, ic. And the SA resources will be helpful

sarahstar posted 8/4/2014 20:50 PM

k9forever, outtanowhere.
I know you told me, I know... you were so right!
Thankyou everyone for responding as well.
My husband is a very good looking man unfortuneately so he could easily get a woman in bed. Yesterday I found messages where he was going to meet her just to see her nothing else. She was bringing her young children so they weren't tempted at all. They were not going to talk either apparently. I have a phone tracker on his phone now and I knew the time and where the meeting was to take place so I just watched. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see the timing was perfect, he also cancelled something else so he could meet her. They were meeting up the road from OUR HOUSE! So she obviously lives in our area. But he turned and came home instead of meeting her. I told him I knew that he was going to meet her. He was shocked I knew and felt disappointed in himself as I was with him as he had the thoughts to meet her even though I made him promise he wouldn't. I feel devastated again that he came so close but also RELIEVED that he didn't go through with it. He said he couldn't do that to me again and he felt like he would be cheating on me even if he just walked past her knowing it was her. Doesn't make things better but it certainly helps that he is thinking a little more.

All I want and no doubt everyone else on this site is for my husband to LOVE ME and only WANT ME. He needs to want that for himself though. I have told him that although this is a bit of an extenuating circumstance as were both started having the fun with it, he took it too far to the extent of cheating because he continued sending messages and deleting them when he was told it was to stop. It breaks my heart that he thinks with his "d**k" instead of his brain. Hopefully this may have finally made him realise because I told him even if he just met her, that is it. No more excuses. We would have been getting a divorce if he went last night. I can't take anymore disappointments.

LARK, we did have boundaries and the day he sent 100 messages he asked if it was okay to send a message if I saw it later. I did say it was okay thinking there would only be a couple of messages and we could have a laugh later. That night I told him he went too far but it continued the next day.

[This message edited by sarahstar at 8:53 PM, August 4th (Monday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/4/2014 21:21 PM

All I want . . . is for my husband to LOVE ME and only WANT ME.

Then make that the new rule and stop trying to enter *his world*.

In your quest to spice things up in YOUR marriage, it seems that the following is the Pandora's box that you opened:

it seems to have revealed him, though.

I did say it was okay thinking there would only be a couple of messages and we could have a laugh later.

NO MORE *benefit of the doubt* for your WH. NONE. Married life now happens according to YOUR values, NOT his because his judgment and level of impulse control is obviously craptastic.

I'm sorry, but I feel that you have a very serious problem on your hands....and that has nothing to do with your agreement to *play* on those sites WITH your WH.

I can't take anymore disappointments.

Unless and until your WH understands that he has some serious *notasafehusband* deficits, then you are going to be disappointed by him time and time again. Trust me, I've lived it.....and it f'n SUCKS.

k94ever posted 8/5/2014 11:21 AM

Sarah...I need to ask you something.

Why do you think it's OK for you to laugh at another woman who you are helping your husband lead on?

k9

sarahstar posted 8/6/2014 01:00 AM

k94ever, It was a casual sex site and although it was for a bit of a laugh, it wasn't meant to be leading another woman on as such. He took it too far... it was to be a couple of messages only. Just when she was so gorgeous, she sent naked photos and a photo of her face he couldn't resist. Honestly, if I was a man and a woman as gorgeous as her "was throwing herself at me" sending sexy messages etc... it was the ultimate temptation. Fortuneately he didn't meet her but unfortuneately he nearly did. I definitely don't want to play any of these games again. I am hoping he has finally learnt his lesson. He wants to show me how much he loves me tonight... obviously wants sex.. and I replied to him that he is really missing out...no sex from me and not allowed to contact her for her sexy messages. haha
I laugh and make sarcastic jokes about it all but inside I am devastated.... its my way of coping.He knows that too.

tushnurse posted 8/6/2014 07:48 AM

Sarahstar - You are causing yourself more pain, and allowing yourself to blame your choices, and this OW more than putting the ownness on your spouse where it belongs.

You really need to sit down and figure out what you and won't tolerate from this point forward, and set some firm boundaries, and be prepared to carry through with consequences when those boundaries are broken. For him this was a real win win, he got to continue to do what he was doing, and you not only played along but encouraged it. You obviously learned that this is NOT healthy, or ok. So stop the blame game, and stop the excuses. Your H is seriously broken, and you need him to step up and do the work, and fix his shit, if he doesn't you need to have a plan in place.

I would also be very wary of any effort he makes until he proves himself for a time. Meaning if he agrees to no more of any of this, you need to keep your eyes and ears open for a burner phone, a hidden email, or other options for continuing this behavior.

I would also suggest you start focusing on you. Get your ducks in row, see a lawyer, find out what your rights are. Know that if he doesn't step up and do what is needed that you will make it through this, and you deserve more.

Lark posted 8/6/2014 16:49 PM

double post

[This message edited by Lark at 4:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

Lark posted 8/6/2014 16:49 PM

I think you may be assuming a WS becomes a WS because a few mistakes... the type of mistakes and betrayals that create a WS do not go away overnight. They are much deeper than that. They indicate something is wrong, faulty, broken, however someone may define it with a thought process, needs, motivations, emotions, etc.

Actions are relatively easy to change in the short-term. changing a brokenness inside of you is a longer-term endeavor, and if a WS doesn't do the actual soulsearching, reflection, and extremely difficult work to identify what created the problem to begin with, why they did what they did, and take actions to fix that - then they WILL fall back into WS behavior. Ultimately, that will be their coping mechanism, or desires, or whatever.

I think it's great that your husband seems to understand he made mistakes and is trying to be a good husband now - but what work is he doing to identify and fix the underlying cause of this?

He took it too far... it was to be a couple of messages only.

at this point your husband has shown you that he does not have boundaries, he is unable to stop himself. "Too far" is opening that page to begin with. And this is a dangerous game for anyone to be playing - casual dating site or not, toying with other peoples' emotions or thoughts or pretending to be single (even as a couples' game) is playing with fire.

Just when she was so gorgeous, she sent naked photos and a photo of her face he couldn't resist. Honestly, if I was a man and a woman as gorgeous as her "was throwing herself at me" sending sexy messages etc... it was the ultimate temptation.

He could resist and chose not to. This type of response enables his thinking that he "just can't resist" and is a victim of his own desires.

Fortuneately he didn't meet her but unfortuneately he nearly did.

I am deeply troubled that the thought of meeting her crossed his mind, that she was bringing along young children to a meetup (or at least said it) . This is horrifying that a mother would do that. That he would volunteer for a meetup with children. That he would entertain the thought of a meetup period. And if it was an innocent meetup, why on earth does anyone think it would stop there? Because her children were present? Now they've just crossed one more boundary and are that much closer to a sex meet-up. It doesn't matter why he wanted to meet up with her - that he wanted to "see" her is a flimsy empty excuse.

I definitely don't want to play any of these games again. I am hoping he has finally learnt his lesson.

What lesson was he to take from this? Why would he learn anything from this? Many WS hold off on sex the first time its offered, or stop mid-sex - only to resume again within days. The first time halting is just an assuaging their guilt. That's it. Now that their guilt's assuaged, they can reassure themselves they're a good person, and next time it's easier to just block that guilty voice entirely and go right ahead.

Hugs because this is a horrible thing to be going through. I hope you guys are in MC and you are both in IC as well. I hope he learned something from it as well, but from my (outside) perspective, it sounds like he is viewing this relatively lightly.