are you guys in MC? IC?
From reading on here, it seems to be a normal part of trying to cope with what happened by trying to experience it in some way - by visiting the spots. So I imagine wanting to look at the sites is akin to that for you as the BS, to get a sense of what he was doing.
I'm sorry that it seems to have revealed him, though.
What work was he doing prior to all of this? Why did you feel things were going great?
Does he interpret you wanting to look at the sites as you being open to the idea of an open-marriage or 3ways or that looking at the sites is something to be taken lightly?
Please keep in mind....this is not innocent fun. Most likely, those words.an are married...they usually are. And their husbands have no idea their wife is cheating.
I'm sorry. Did you tell him he could continue messaging her the next day when he was alone? We're there any rules at all.
I think you are right..He is going to meet her.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
You mentioned "things he has done over the years", and I see you've been married over 25 years. How long has he been involved in "things" outside the M?
I would get tested for STD's and quickly! And please, get professional help...If he won't consent to go,do it for yourself! This is not NORMAL behavior and I'm afraid right now you are being an enabler to him.
Hugs to you, this cannot be easy to deal with. Make him be accountable for his own actions.
She MAY be a prostitute or have a paid website she's charming him into joining, or she MAY be an overweight, frumpy housewife living vicariously through a beautiful woman's picture she got on the internet.
Aside from that, your husband is constantly looking for a cheap thrill on the side. Hook up sites, massage parlor happy endings (you don't really believe that nonsense that he didn't 'finish' at the massage parlor, surely?), sex phone lines, and on and on and on. The guy clearly has no boundaries and it's very hard to believe he's 'remorseful' just because you caught him. I think he's regretful that you caught him, but I don't see ANY remorse whatsoever.
Then, you try to have an open mind and do a little exploring with him on one of his sites and he acts like a hormonal teenage boy and completely kicks you in the face.
Look, I totally get what you were trying to do. I GET it. But the guy feels zero remorse for what he does. Zero.
I know quite a few men who feel 'deprived' that they'll only have sex with one woman for the rest of their lives and they feel entitled - and justified - to continually try to find other women who'll have sex with them. Your husband is one of those men. They feel completely entitled and that's why they have zero remorse.
I was married to a guy just like your husband and left him. My husband, too, claimed to "love me," but that alone wasn't enough to satisfy his constant need to have other women.
Lastly, just because your husband is lamenting about what a bad guy he 'used' to be, don't let that fool you. The SECOND he got attention from someone else (the supposed 'beautiful woman' on the hookup site who I still think isn't real) he was off and running.
He hasn't changed. The things he's saying are NOT matching up with his actions.
Talk is cheap. Hell, it's FREE.
His actions tell a different story.
Good luck to you.
I soon turned into a bit of a monster and realised that it wasn't for me, what I wanted was a faithful, honest, intimate relationship and that wasn't where it was. We now have a no porn rule and are focussing on ourselves.
So I guess you need to reset the boundaries according to what you want and need and see if he wants the same. If not, you are better placed to make a decision.
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis
He's putting things in place to meet up with this woman. And placing you on the fringes to up the titillation factor because you "kinda/sorta" know about it and "kinda/sorta" gave your permission to allow it because both of you messaged this woman.
Stop it. Stop it now. You are enabling him to cheat on you.
Giving him ANY kind of permission to engage in illicit activity is playing with fire and you will find yourself burned yet again. Please get some help. This is NOT going to go away without some intense work on his part and, so far, he hasn't had much of a reasons to seek it out as you seem to be turning a blind eye.
Do you think, affait and him removed, it is ok to play on these types of sites? Is it ok if he uses them "to play"?
I think establishing boundaries of what is not actually lighthearted fun will be important.
I think mc, ic. And the SA resources will be helpful
All I want and no doubt everyone else on this site is for my husband to LOVE ME and only WANT ME. He needs to want that for himself though. I have told him that although this is a bit of an extenuating circumstance as were both started having the fun with it, he took it too far to the extent of cheating because he continued sending messages and deleting them when he was told it was to stop. It breaks my heart that he thinks with his "d**k" instead of his brain. Hopefully this may have finally made him realise because I told him even if he just met her, that is it. No more excuses. We would have been getting a divorce if he went last night. I can't take anymore disappointments.
LARK, we did have boundaries and the day he sent 100 messages he asked if it was okay to send a message if I saw it later. I did say it was okay thinking there would only be a couple of messages and we could have a laugh later. That night I told him he went too far but it continued the next day.
[This message edited by sarahstar at 8:53 PM, August 4th (Monday)]
All I want . . . is for my husband to LOVE ME and only WANT ME.
In your quest to spice things up in YOUR marriage, it seems that the following is the Pandora's box that you opened:
it seems to have revealed him, though.
I did say it was okay thinking there would only be a couple of messages and we could have a laugh later.
I'm sorry, but I feel that you have a very serious problem on your hands....and that has nothing to do with your agreement to *play* on those sites WITH your WH.
I can't take anymore disappointments.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Why do you think it's OK for you to laugh at another woman who you are helping your husband lead on?
You really need to sit down and figure out what you and won't tolerate from this point forward, and set some firm boundaries, and be prepared to carry through with consequences when those boundaries are broken. For him this was a real win win, he got to continue to do what he was doing, and you not only played along but encouraged it. You obviously learned that this is NOT healthy, or ok. So stop the blame game, and stop the excuses. Your H is seriously broken, and you need him to step up and do the work, and fix his shit, if he doesn't you need to have a plan in place.
I would also be very wary of any effort he makes until he proves himself for a time. Meaning if he agrees to no more of any of this, you need to keep your eyes and ears open for a burner phone, a hidden email, or other options for continuing this behavior.
I would also suggest you start focusing on you. Get your ducks in row, see a lawyer, find out what your rights are. Know that if he doesn't step up and do what is needed that you will make it through this, and you deserve more.
[This message edited by Lark at 4:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
Actions are relatively easy to change in the short-term. changing a brokenness inside of you is a longer-term endeavor, and if a WS doesn't do the actual soulsearching, reflection, and extremely difficult work to identify what created the problem to begin with, why they did what they did, and take actions to fix that - then they WILL fall back into WS behavior. Ultimately, that will be their coping mechanism, or desires, or whatever.
I think it's great that your husband seems to understand he made mistakes and is trying to be a good husband now - but what work is he doing to identify and fix the underlying cause of this?
He took it too far... it was to be a couple of messages only.
at this point your husband has shown you that he does not have boundaries, he is unable to stop himself. "Too far" is opening that page to begin with. And this is a dangerous game for anyone to be playing - casual dating site or not, toying with other peoples' emotions or thoughts or pretending to be single (even as a couples' game) is playing with fire.
Just when she was so gorgeous, she sent naked photos and a photo of her face he couldn't resist. Honestly, if I was a man and a woman as gorgeous as her "was throwing herself at me" sending sexy messages etc... it was the ultimate temptation.
He could resist and chose not to. This type of response enables his thinking that he "just can't resist" and is a victim of his own desires.
Fortuneately he didn't meet her but unfortuneately he nearly did.
I am deeply troubled that the thought of meeting her crossed his mind, that she was bringing along young children to a meetup (or at least said it) . This is horrifying that a mother would do that. That he would volunteer for a meetup with children. That he would entertain the thought of a meetup period. And if it was an innocent meetup, why on earth does anyone think it would stop there? Because her children were present? Now they've just crossed one more boundary and are that much closer to a sex meet-up. It doesn't matter why he wanted to meet up with her - that he wanted to "see" her is a flimsy empty excuse.
I definitely don't want to play any of these games again. I am hoping he has finally learnt his lesson.
What lesson was he to take from this? Why would he learn anything from this? Many WS hold off on sex the first time its offered, or stop mid-sex - only to resume again within days. The first time halting is just an assuaging their guilt. That's it. Now that their guilt's assuaged, they can reassure themselves they're a good person, and next time it's easier to just block that guilty voice entirely and go right ahead.
Hugs because this is a horrible thing to be going through. I hope you guys are in MC and you are both in IC as well. I hope he learned something from it as well, but from my (outside) perspective, it sounds like he is viewing this relatively lightly.