The last couple of days I have felt so so numb. He cuddles me and instead of feeling safe and secure and really loved... now I feel numb... I'm worried that he went to far this time and has lost me even though that's not what I want. I know I love him and don't want to break up. Is this the normal process? or is it because I have lost him and I am sensing his distance in the cuddles?? I haven't felt any anger during any of this only disappointment and hurt. I want us to get through this and I'm hoping he does too.
I know that I was very unhappy then, desperate, and confused. I, too, have a habit of turning serious matters into a joke. It's my coping mechanism, but it really didn't serve me very well in my marriage. If you laugh about it, how can he realize that it actually hurts you?
I realize now that WH and I had very different assumptions about what it meant to be married to someone. To me, it meant exclusivity and loyalty. To him, not so much. Me agreeing to play with the idea of another woman n our bed or being "open-minded" when he flirted with women left right and center probably contributed to him having a PA several months down the road and countless EAs.
Another thing - the fact that your H is being cuddly and lovey to you right now would make me worry quite a lot. Mine would be extra happy and nice to me when things were going well with his other girls.
[This message edited by Ultramarine at 6:47 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
I am learning as I go through this and I know you can't "nice" him back, you can't join in the "fun" to get him back. You can't control anything he does.
Read the 180. Decide what you want. And settle for nothing less. You are worth it.
thankyou Blindsided, I will have a look
[This message edited by sarahstar at 11:54 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
Just when she was so gorgeous, she sent naked photos and a photo of her face he couldn't resist. Honestly, if I was a man and a woman as gorgeous as her "was throwing herself at me" sending sexy messages etc... it was the ultimate temptation.
You need to stop making excuses for him. Men are just as capable of resisting temptation as women are. There are many men on this site who have had opportunities to cheat with "gorgeous women" and have chosen not to.
He is your husband: Resisting temptation is a requirement.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
Your husband thought he was talking to Bo Derek but the chances are pretty high that he would have ended up meeting Bo DIDDLEY.
He knows this time is different and I won't be accepting any more excuses.
How does he know this? Is it because you and he chatted with a woman, he took it too far and you said, "That hurt me, don't do it again please."?
Because, honey, he didn't learn any lesson here. Boundaries were broken down and he got exactly what he wanted without any consequences. This is a pattern that will play on REPEAT until you stand up for yourself and lay down what it is you want out of this relationship. He is a cheater. Are you willing to live with that? He likes to chat with women online and arrange to meet up with them. Is that ok with you?
Do you have access to his cell phone and cell phone records? Those need to be checked. I don't think he dropped this latest woman. There are probably plans to lay low until you calm down a little, he'll do that with promises of being different this time, and then he'll start back up with the woman you two messaged.
Any sexual or intimate talk, chat, email, text, etc. to another woman is "too far."
And why would you be laughing about all of this with him? He surely thinks you don't care all that much when you laugh one minute and then tell him you're hurting the next.
Quit allowing this. You cannot control his behavior but you do not have to laugh about it or make excuses about it. And you don't have to stay married with someone who is so disrespectful to you.
If a really handsome man came on to you, would you be unable to keep from having sex with him? I'm guessing you could. You should expect the same from your husband. And he's not just having women come on to him - he's soliciting the attention.
Stop enabling his cheating. Figure out your boundaries (which I hope move drastically from where they have been), draw your line in the sand and let him know. And mean it!
Edited to add - I just read some of your previous posts. You posted on another thread that you didn't know if you could handle a second Dday. Gently, it sounds as if you have had numerous Ddays. You've just rugswept and tried to pretend it was less than it is. Doing what he is doing isn't okay because he's "curious." Likely there is way more than you know. And even if it isn't, your husband has used porn, chat numbers repeatedly and had sex with a prostitute at least once. Each discovery is a Dday.
You need to face what he is.
[This message edited by sudra at 6:17 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by sarahstar at 10:05 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
I love him and always will but I'm wondering if my subconscious is stopping me from getting too close to him again. Is this normal?
Here is your answer:
Your gut is screaming at you. Yet you are hopeful.
And on the topic of him knowing that you're seriously hurt because you are making sarcastic jokes - he doesn't. You, on the other hand, are afraid of and are avoiding conflicts. Stop.
Anyway, on Friday, I was feeling really down like something was up so I googled if you can recover deleted messages. You can, so I asked him straight out on Saturday if he has had any contact with her or sent her any messages. He looked me straight in the eye and said no. So I logged onto his email in front of him and told him I had found a way to recover deleted messages. He still denied anything. I recovered the messages and saw he was to meet her on Friday. Obviously that was why I felt so down... my gut was telling me. He was shocked that I recovered them.
She didn't turn up on friday so he had messaged that he would be there today (Monday) and Tuesday. He had nothing to say... no sorry no nothing! All I said was how disappointed I was that he could literally lie to my face. He knows that I had said anymore and that's the end of us yet he still wanted to meet her for morning lunch just so they could see what each other looked like. WTF, of course they would end up having sex. They are both after each other like hot dogs!
Anyway, it was fathers day on Sunday so we acted normal for the children. This morning I sent him a message letting him know that he may as well meet her like the old saying goes...
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE
IF IT COMES BACK, IT IS YOURS
IF IT DOESN'T, IT NEVER WAS.
I know its silly but I feel as though... is it worth going through all this heartbreak and trying to reconcile and him still doing the wrong thing behind my back but the kids have their father at home and I can kind of keep a tab of it? Or do we split and everytime I see him with someone else... I go through hell again anyway and the kids don't have their father at home.
It is such a vicious cycle.
I did also say in the message that instead of him spending all this time looking at her emails and wondering what she looks like and looking at her pictures that he should be spending the time concentrating on us and trying to get my trust back and making me feel safe and secure again.
He didn't go to meet her today, but came into my work instead. Nice thought but he had also sent her a message that he couldn't meet her and the messaging had to stop. OMG he is still thinking of her feelings. I told him weeks ago not to message her... she is just someone on the internet that he doesn't know... I am his wife and partner for 27years! He truly doesn't get it. I just feel like there are constant lies. All I want is him to just tell the truth. Why lie? If you have to lie or delete stuff, obviously it is wrong. It makes me doubt everything now. For all I know the couple of sexual encounters not including the internet affair are not the only ones that have occurred.
I feel so undecided about the future. I am so devastated, yet I can't cry. I can't even get angry. I told him earlier that I haven't made up my mind if I can stay together anymore.
He is saying that it won't happen again and that he means it. That is what he says everytime! How do I know that he means it.. How do I know that he won't do it again? I truly don't know if all of this is worth it anymore. How many chances can a wayward spouse get? I haven't worn my wedding rings for months and he is cracking saying its like we aren't married. Hellooo, I am not wearing my rings but it was you who acted like we aren't married by having sex with a prostitute, a happy ending massage and an internet affair!
Sorry, a long message that probably doesn't make much sense. My mind is going a million miles an hour.
All I said was how disappointed I was that he could literally lie to my face. He knows that I had said anymore and that's the end of us
He is saying that it won't happen again and that he means it
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
[This message edited by lovesobroken at 1:46 AM, September 8th (Monday)]
He has NO, ZERO, NADA, intention of making this right, or even stopping. Because you are right he gets to do what he wants, and have the M.
Until you give him some serious, and impactful consequences he won't even begin to attempt to change.
I would go nuclear at this point, for your own sanity. Seriously. It's time. Continuing to allow him to stay, will weaken, and destroy you.
You deserve much more, but until you demand it, you will never get it. Quit being the doormat, and start being the guard, to your heart and well being.
is it worth going through all this heartbreak and trying to reconcile and him still doing the wrong thing behind my back but the kids have their father at home and I can kind of keep a tab of it? Or do we split and everytime I see him with someone else... I go through hell again anyway and the kids don't have their father at home.
Hugs, I am very sorry. You cannot reconcile with someone who is still doing this stuff. You can't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile.
As for your children - is this the role model you want for them? To be living with a "family" where the father runs around with prostitutes and meets up with people and treats their mother that way? I know the thought is that they will never find out, but they will. And even if they don't know the details they will know he disrespects you, you are unhappy. Their family life still suffers. It is better to be FROM a broken home than to be IN one.
And making him have actual consequences for his actions - what will come of that? strength for you. Strength in knowing you do not have ot put up with everything he throws at you. Strength in knowing that YOU can do this on your own, you do not need him, and your children will see a *healthy* mother who says and *lives* that people need to treat each other with respect. It will hurt, you will be in pain, you will be devastated seeing him with other women if he continues down that path. But you will also build strength and that hurt will go away because you will see who he is and know that you deserve better.
And if you leaving makes him want to R and actually do the *work* of that? Then you can decide from there. But it'll be on *your* terms, and it will be *your* choice. Not you waiting around for him to choose.
Sounds like a case of sex addiction. Revisiting the "scene of the crime", aka the sex sites, with your H was really not such a good idea. Just because you two went there together doesn't make it right. In fact, it's almost like the wife giving the husband the green light to continue his shenanigans.
It's like an alcoholic swearing off alcohol, only to have his wife offer to accompany him to the bar. The same temptation will still be there - one that he's shown an inability to control in the past - so why should the presence of the wife make the pull feel any different?
I've been reading here and elsewhere that NC has to be 100%. In this case, it's NC with the sex sites, etc.
[This message edited by LumpyLola at 11:51 AM, September 8th (Monday)]