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User Topic: What have I done? Long
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I made the decision, and do I have the right to make that decision with regard to someone else's mother

You made the decision for YOU. From what I am reading you did NOT force your H to cut ties with her.

He did this on his own. He knows what kind of person she was/is. He supports you, and your M.
He tells you he supports you.

Some times I think we, especially women, try so hard to have others not hurt that we take on burdens that are really not ours to carry.

Could this be one of those times, nwdg??

Personally I think you did a great job of cutting her out of your life. Sometimes the good people just need to stand our ground.

If your H changes his mind, before she dies, than he can let you know, and do what he needs to do to live his life guilt-free.

From where I sit you should be guilt-free already!

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you mean me and my dad?

My father is a narcissist. He is also an alcoholic and a serial adulterer. He's a chauvinist, women are here to serve men don't you know. He had inappropriate boundaries in most aspects of h

is life. And to be honest, he's not very smart. He was a cop and relayed in graphic detail conditions of bodies he had to deal with during work to me when I was a young child. He was graphic with descriptions of sex as well but he never touched me sexually. Usually these descriptions came during drunken lectures.

My H didn't pry much but when we first got together he thought he could help me mend things with my father. And I understand that most people see it that way. They have decent fathers and can't imagine not loving them.

It took consistently seeing his behavior in action for my H to start to understand. He was sure my father molested me and I just couldn't admit it. To him that's the only thing that was drastic enough to cut someone out.

Then he started to see my fathers behavior in action and my father tried to appeal to my H to "straighten me out" and H realised his ability and desire to manipulate others.

So it took some time for him to understand and who can blame him, I had my whole childhood to experience it.

I think though if I hadn't been the one wanting to cut him out and if H suggested it, it would knock me off of that fence. I spent many years before making this decision going back and forth in my head. Was I overreacting, he's my father I owe him too..., no, yes this is inappropriate.

The only real issue with this was that after dday my H tried to say my issues with his cheating were because of my issues with my dad. I made it clear several times that he didn't need any "help" from my dad. His mess was large and serious enough on it's own.

I think what makes the biggest difference for you is that your husband called out his mother long before you knew all of this. Essentially he told her he wasn't allowing her skewed opinion affect his life anymore. By telling her this directly he also let ber know he was on to her and wouldn't be falling for her manipulations anymore.

You cutting her out isn't what divided her and your husband. His desire to be separate from her behavior is. Your decision just made enforcing his easier for everyone.

Imagine all the messed up stuff she jerked him around with during his childhood. He had enough, and was strong enough to tell her and back it up with actions. That's hard to do and very admirable. Messed up FOO issues are at the heart of many infidelities.

If he doesn't want anything to do with her that's his choice. You didn't force that on him. He was already feeling that way. And that's a great thing for your marriage. He's protective of your marriage, even from his own mother.

Breaking free of FOO is tougher than it sounds. There is tremendous pressure to fall into line, even from other family members who recognize the dysfunction.

I'm so glad you have an IC. I think your reaction shows you just need to work through this some more, and that's ok. With your husband and your therapist, you are in a position to succeed.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 4:43 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1989 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btraydwife, yes, sorry those comments were meant for you around your relationship with your father.
I can relate to the fact that your husband wanted to mend your relationship with your father. My husband never had a good relationship with his mother. I would sense the wall and try to get him to give her more of a chance and be more patient. He told me the other day that he now knows he couldn't ever be close to her because he could never trusted her.

But he never did cut her out truly. They ha a surface relationship and we hardly saw her; once a year. But even the day that I cut her out, when he called her and they argued, he never said that he was cutting her out of his life. They simply just have not spoken since that day 10 months ago. He says that he he cannot think about what he wants to do regarding a relationship with his mother right now. He has just left it dangling while we deal with what he has done to us and try to fix us.
I have so many really conflicted emotions about this and I am trying to work through them in therapy. But I am a peacemaker. I do what I can to keep things together. The fact that I, for the first time in my life actually took such concrete action to clearly and unequivocally cut a family member out of my life sends shivers down my spine. For me to take that kind of action for the first time in 44 years, indicates the depth of the sickness and betrayal. It still shocks me. I am still sad for my husband that he is at this pout in his life, and yet if I am truly honest with myself, while I do not want him to be estranged from his own mother, I cannot imagine what I will feel when he truly works through things and wants to begin some kind of contact for himself with her. It all feels overwhelming to say the least. thank very much for sharing what you and your husband have experienced. It helps give me some perspective.

BW: 44 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
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