Did you mean me and my dad?
My father is a narcissist. He is also an alcoholic and a serial adulterer. He's a chauvinist, women are here to serve men don't you know. He had inappropriate boundaries in most aspects of h
is life. And to be honest, he's not very smart. He was a cop and relayed in graphic detail conditions of bodies he had to deal with during work to me when I was a young child. He was graphic with descriptions of sex as well but he never touched me sexually. Usually these descriptions came during drunken lectures.
My H didn't pry much but when we first got together he thought he could help me mend things with my father. And I understand that most people see it that way. They have decent fathers and can't imagine not loving them.
It took consistently seeing his behavior in action for my H to start to understand. He was sure my father molested me and I just couldn't admit it. To him that's the only thing that was drastic enough to cut someone out.
Then he started to see my fathers behavior in action and my father tried to appeal to my H to "straighten me out" and H realised his ability and desire to manipulate others.
So it took some time for him to understand and who can blame him, I had my whole childhood to experience it.
I think though if I hadn't been the one wanting to cut him out and if H suggested it, it would knock me off of that fence. I spent many years before making this decision going back and forth in my head. Was I overreacting, he's my father I owe him too..., no, yes this is inappropriate.
The only real issue with this was that after dday my H tried to say my issues with his cheating were because of my issues with my dad. I made it clear several times that he didn't need any "help" from my dad. His mess was large and serious enough on it's own.
I think what makes the biggest difference for you is that your husband called out his mother long before you knew all of this. Essentially he told her he wasn't allowing her skewed opinion affect his life anymore. By telling her this directly he also let ber know he was on to her and wouldn't be falling for her manipulations anymore.
You cutting her out isn't what divided her and your husband. His desire to be separate from her behavior is. Your decision just made enforcing his easier for everyone.
Imagine all the messed up stuff she jerked him around with during his childhood. He had enough, and was strong enough to tell her and back it up with actions. That's hard to do and very admirable. Messed up FOO issues are at the heart of many infidelities.
If he doesn't want anything to do with her that's his choice. You didn't force that on him. He was already feeling that way. And that's a great thing for your marriage. He's protective of your marriage, even from his own mother.
Breaking free of FOO is tougher than it sounds. There is tremendous pressure to fall into line, even from other family members who recognize the dysfunction.
I'm so glad you have an IC. I think your reaction shows you just need to work through this some more, and that's ok. With your husband and your therapist, you are in a position to succeed.
Hang in there!
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.