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User Topic: What was the state of your marriage at the time of the A?
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the beginning of the A it was actually pretty good for him, me, not so much. He was always selfish and entitled.
I had been unhappy the year before the A and then started reading all these books from the Chaplain about XX days to a better marriage, blah blah blah. So for about 2-3 months he got the best treatment ever from me. Then It dawned on me that my happiness had nothing to do with him. I took what I learned from the books and applied it, but didn't expect him to reciprocate the good treatment back and started finding other things to occupy my time and give me some outside fun like kayaking, snorkeling, etc. I still gave him plenty of attention, but I wasn't constantly fawning over him.
There was absolutely nothing I could have done different other than kick his ass to the curb that would have influenced him having his A with Shrek.
I'm good with it now. I know I wasn't the failure of the marriage at all. Now if he had had his A the 2-3 year of M, it wasn't so great in the M yet. But he waited til he had it pretty good when he started an A.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2513 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Complete and total disconnect on his part.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miserable. An eventual death sentence for me. He was never faithful.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10045 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't good at all.

He has a hard time finding a permanent job when he first moved back with me, about 3 years ago. He got temp jobs but nothing was permanent so we went from financially ok to not every couple of months. The first year was pretty much taken up with my DD as well. Her marriage was breaking up and her ex was violent, she was evicted from her home and it caused a lot of stress to all of us. He, of course took it worse than anyone He was supportive to my DD but now I look back, I think he somehow blamed me.

The year before, when we were getting back together, our sex life was great. As soon as he moved in, it went down the pan. I initially put it down to him stressing about work, our DD etc. but when things settled down, yr 2 and I had tried everything and he wouldn't talk about it, I started to shut him out. He was still affectionate but there was nothing sexual in it at all.

He was always complaining about something or just miserable/depressed and he wouldn't talk to me. He complained that we never did anything but turned down any suggestions I made and took himself off out with 'friends'. He made a lot of 'friends' through his temp jobs.

He finally found a temporary job last August and got made permanent in Jan this year. He left the 1st week in Feb. Found out that he started phoning the OW on 15th Jan but that's just from phone bill. I have no idea how long he has actually been seeing her.

BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before mine- ok, child centered, conflict avoidant though...
Before his 1st- obviously awful
Before 2nd- on life support

I take more than 50% responsibility for the state of things before all this started. I was the one who didn't talk.,,

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5539 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ours was fine, even good. We had the stressor of a small child and I was trying to get pregnant with my second, but WH had a job he liked and felt valued at, and we were very affectionate with each other, had fun together.

Of course, he was avoidant about the impact of his infertility on himself and how it made him feel. But as a couple... no major issues.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My marriage was in the worst state ever when the A began. H was working out of town 4-5 nights a week. I was stuck working full-time, and taking care of our three kids completely by myself. I got so stressed that I quit my job. That left all of the financial responsibility on H. He became depressed and began to resent me. Communication completely broke down between us. He was able to vilify me to the point that he believed he was entitled to the affair. He also had convinced himself that our marriage was over, so why not do something for himself. He never told ME the marriage was over though.

BW: 40 (me)
WH: 42 (him)
Married 18 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 9 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the issue I had husband had convinced himself that the marriage was over. But never talked to ME about it. He says he actually didn't want to lose me or the kids. Ever. And that he would have fought for me if I had said D. But that he really thought I was just waiting until we could afford D. Sad that he didn't try to fight. I think he was just so deflated and broken that he couldn't see that. But doesn't excuse it.

The part that is hard for me is that about 6 weeks prior to dday we had a big conversation that ended in tears from all of us. During those 6 weeks we had started working on our marriage. I confronted him and he admitted that he wasn't happy. Pulled the I love you but not in love with you thing...(which he now forgets he did and it kills him when I remind him). From that day one we started working hard- or so I thought. I guess his interactions with OW decreased after that, but they were still happening. He still told her he loves her more than she will ever know on dday...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back, we had been disconnected for some time. Early in our M he displayed signs of having poor boundaries. Later, he had crossed boundaries with a co worker. These were behaviors that I did not address. Rather, I stuffed my feelings and resented him, further pushing him away.

My H moved his d and her child into our new home. He did not discuss it with me. This girl is a nightmare with a terrible personality. Not only did she come with an infant, she came with her baby daddy. Thankfully that did not last long and H put her out.

I thought that my H felt emasculated in our M. I had a high paying career and was always in boss mode. So, in an effort to help our M, I left my job. Leaving meant that my H was now responsible for our lifestyle. He would feel more control, giving him a sense pride.

Then his mother passed away. There were/are so many unresolved issues between them. It was after his mother's death that he began to "have to work out of town". I am sure that the seeds for his A were already planted. All he needed was a willing participant.

ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive

Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We'd just gotten engaged after she started.
Our marriage was literally going to be completely new.
She was totally checked out.
I blamed it on job stress but know better now.

Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was a workaholic. He worked overnight 6 nights a week. I spent all my time alone. He didn't even go to our son's football games or school events. I had given up trying to get his time or attention. I was numb and just trying to hold out until my son was done with high school. The only time we talked is when he would call me from work several times a night to vent. I resented this and hardly paid any attention to what he was saying. As distant as we were, I never thought he'd betray me. I trusted him with every ounce of my being. I didn't realize it at the time but he stopped calling to vent so much. And that's because he started calling/texting his recently promoted general manager. She got him. She understood his problems and wanted to hear about them. He was so good at keeping her a secret and meeting her at a casino in middle of the night. Never showed any guilt. I didn't suspect a thing.

Posts: 794 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only need to comment on the "it takes two to mess up a marriage" remark.

No it takes 2 for it to work but it only takes 1 to screw it up. That's not saying it's always just 1 messing things up, but it doesn't require 2 making mistakes, just 1.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 2417 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 43567
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our relationship was good, in every area, we were getting along, and we were building a new home when he began his A

He had a good paying job, ds was an adult and living with his gf, and her son, becoming a family.

DD was his little girl and everyone got along

None of this makes sense to me, he has lost more than he gained with her

Posts: 53 | Registered: May 2014
♀ Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The state of our marriage.

Our marriage was always great. We had survived the loss of my parents, 2 of my brothers, his brother, the loss of a child, losses of jobs (his, his,and mine) and our son leaving home and becoming just us again. So many great times and memories in over 41 years.

Then, he lost his mother (he was close to her and things went well) and shortly after, he lost his father. His father was most likely narcissistic but never diagnosed and WH could never be successful enough. WH seemed different after that. I tried to be supportive, but could sense something was different as he seemed to be distancing himself from me and stopped being as affectionate although our sex life was the same, but he was not as demonstrative (cuddling, kissing, touching).

During the year after FIL's death, he started going on websites where women post pictures of themselves (I found this out after DD) and started posting comments like how hot they were etc. A year after FIL death, he signed up on a website where people post pictures of themselves before and during sex. People say if they are looking for someone or not. His status was looking for female. He started exchanging pictures and sexting with women. I found out 5 months after that started. Too bad for me, I lost a beloved sister and her husband 3 months after DD and had no one to support me as I helped her children get back on their feet. He continued to sext one woman for nearly a year after DD and still tells women how great they are and trades pictures, but no sexting. Me, I have not had a compliment since FIL died, no presents for special days, nothing to make me feel special.

The state of our marriage was great, until he lost a father that he was always trying to get to love him. That broke him. He is still broken.

[This message edited by purplebreeze at 9:53 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

me 64
WH 66
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 357 | Registered: Mar 2011
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not nor have I ever been a "perfect" husband, whatever the hell that means. Prior to stbxw 1st A, she wasn’t contributing around the house. Huge sense of entitlement. I worked full time, with business taking me away from the house anywhere from three to four months per year (spread out). I went to school full time to finish my degree. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaned the bathrooms, yard work, etc. She sat on her ass with the exception of shopping and spending money like water, while accusing me of everything from cheating to verbal abuse, as I begged her (and yes, yelled once in a while) to help out. I wasn’t born with a cape, and couldn’t do everything on my own.
After her three week fling, she agreed to work on things. She never did. Four years later I still do all the cooking, cleaning, full time job, school (two classes away from a Masters), laundry, etc. And she’s involved, once again, with another OM. And according to her, I’m “abusive” because I asked her to clean up after herself and contribute to running a household and raising a family. I’m an asshole because I finally had it with her shopping and hoarding and rented two dumpsters which I filled completely with SHIT! There’s still enough left over to fill another one.
State of marriage prior to A? What marriage? I’ve been raising an overgrown teenager for 9 years!

36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
♀ Member
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a complete disaster at the time of WH's PA. He was taking my DDay very rough, not seeking IC for himself, drinking, partying every weekend. I think in his mind it was a way to help himself heal but instead it made it worse for him. I don't take responsibility for his actions but I do take partial responsibility for the state of our marriage because of my own infidelities.

Now...the EA that he continued with this OW for 3 years after his PA....that's a bunch of bullshit. I thought everything between us was great, that our marriage was on the right track and that we'd never ever do anything to hurt each other ever again. Boy was I wrong. He claims his reason for his continued EA was because I wasn't making him feel good about himself (sexually mentally). That I acted like sex was a chore and that I didn't show that I sexually cared about him. Yes we have a little improvement to make in that department but to go behind my back and talk dirty to another woman because I'm not doing that, bullshit.

Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA D-day 7/11/14
My PA D-day 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he decided to accept skankface's (OW#2) advances I thought we were great, as did our friends. Ordinary life - work, kids, sports, etc. She convinced him she was a better listener, better to tell his dreams to. This A was caught waaaaay too early for her

We did MC. We were on the same page for years.

Until......all hell had broken loose! DS's new GF causing massive problems, DS's XW, DGD. DS, H and I worked together every freak'n day! DS being a complete ass and H not having a spine to stand up to DS, causing the massive fights.

When he decided to look up bitchface (OW#1 & 3) things were not yet horrific, but they were too much for his widdle ole feelings

For 3 yrs we were mostly in hell. Some good days, some sex days After the last big fight I decided to move out, without telling him. Wish I had SI back then!!!

Didn't find out about bitchface for another month.

His reasons, to this day??? We weren't getting along (DUH!) and HE thought we were getting D, only I had NO idea! Only problem with that thinking is that was at the START of the shitstorm, not the end!

My conclusion is that no matter what is going on (good, bad, indifferent) IF they want to cheat, they will.

eta: for clarifications

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 1:06 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1330 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
♂ Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actuallly pretty damn good. We were living the American dream with three wonderful kids, great quality of life, lots of communication, intimacy, trust and freedom. We were happily married for 22 years. My WW an educated professional and seemingly mature and disciplined woman with excellent boundaries. All our friends thought we were the cutest most inspiring married couple they know. Didn't have kids until we were married and stable for 10 years. We didn't get married until after we dated for 2 years. "We did everything right and by-the-marriage-handbook".
We were deep in the grind of raising kids with children's activities dominating our lives. My WW was always trying to be SuperMom keeping up with the other SuperMoms. I became concerned. I would gently try and remind her that WE should come first-not the kids, and she would sometimes agree and other times get defensive and say I was not appreciating all she is trying to do for the kids. So I backed off.
Then out of left field, for the first time in 22 years of happy marriage, totally out of character, without warning she affairs down with some lowlife at work. Text flirting-sexting-to all out PA.
Ironically she tried, initially, to blame the affair on a dull life, lack of time for herself, lack of passion and intimacy. The very things "I" was trying preserve.
Moral to the story: Sometimes there is just nothing you can do. Usually nothing you did. This doesn't just happen to "Other People" the ones you see on Jerry Springer. This doesn't just happen to those who are not caring for, cultivating or paying attention to the marriage. This can happen to any marriage, at any time, if some of the-sometimes very insidious and seemingly benign, predisposing factors exist in the individual.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:40 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, we had an infant daughter and Crazz mother had passed away the year before. Our pugs both had severe health issues, one of which required surgery. We had no help with DD, and therefore had ZERO time for each other.

He turned to alcohol and isolation as a way to cope with his mother's passing instead of leaning on me, which I encouraged him to do to no avail.

He decided he hated his job, and there just so happened to be an insecure, loose woman at his place of employment who wanted his attention. It was the perfect storm.

I agreed with the above words and it is very similar to my own situation.

What marriage is perfect? What life is perfect. Good marriage partners work through the tough times together.

In my situation, yes I was distracted and distant due to my father's sudden death and my out-of-state mothers ensuing illness.

His dad had died a few years, before, and he was still sad about that, too.

We also had children with health issues and several years caring for our beloved but elderly sick dogs. They both lived to be older than average because they were both cared for and adored by the entire family.

I took care of the dogs, though, mainly.

My wayward even left me home alone to attend to one of our a very ill dogs in order to go out with his friends.

We had a little tiff about that, because even with a special harness, it was difficult for me to lift the dog to take her out to relieve herself.

Still I relented and let him go out, in the end. I relented mainly because he became peevish and I did not want to upset the dog by arguing.

When the dog started going downhill very rapidly, I had to call a neighbor to help me bring the dog to the vet because she weighed 130 pounds and I could not lift her into the sport ute myself. I weigh 110 pounds.

My wayward also was unhappy that he had not yet advanced further in his career, but so was I with my career.

Even worse, we had relocated for a better job opportunity for him and that really made my career prospects more trying.

We were BOTH facing crisis. I chose to dig in and work on my family, just as he chose to cheat with a coworker. We have a choice when we are faced with adversity.

You can't blame life events for our subsequent choices. Remember, when things were a total mess, YOU stayed faithful. That was your responsibility, and you succeeded.

Exactly, when things were "totally a mess" as normally happens in any long marriage, we remained faithful. Our spouses chose to use escaping reality as an immature coping mechanism.

A good spouse is suppose to be their for their spouse through thick and thin. They shouldn't be out dating.

One marriage counselor couple we saw, after months of counseling, told my wayward that given the background he and his wife had compiled on our marriage, and that with all things considered I had more reason to need to escape from reality than he did.

Yet, I chose to remain in reality and to deal with it rather than find relief in a fantasy relationship.

I can see when reading this board that the faithful spouses of many waywards had just as much reason to need to escape yet chose to face the adversity in an honest way.

In the end, too, I really did not believe that things were ever that negative between us. We never held grudges after a fight and he always said he loved me before going to sleep, as did I.

He seemed happy, and we were very affectionate with each other until he met the OW.

After meeting her, his entire personality seemed to change. And that is when he started rewriting the marital history in his mind.

So please pardon me if I bristle when a Betrayed spouse attempts to take too much responsibility for the rough spots in a marriage.

All marriages have rough spots.

End of rant.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't great. It wasn't awful.

When it was good, particularly when we had one-on-one time, it was VERY good. When it was bad, it wasn't terrible, but our attachment faded over time.

Over time, our communication had varied from fairly decent at times to manipulative, dishonest and/or passive aggressive at others. Earlier in our marriage, but for a good portion of it, I selfishly spent time with hobbies at the expense of my family. This built a level of resentment WW had toward me that was still cooking when the A started.

A year prior to the A starting, my work consumed me, I was working 60+ hours a week, with a 15 hours of commute thrown on top. I was absent from the marriage, and OM noticed. He spent six months grooming her for the A, and he was good at what he was doing. At some point along the way we stopped sleeping in the same bed.

None of these factors, up to and including OM's behavior excuse WW's decision to have an A. She agrees with this statement (thankfully).

[This message edited by Didact at 12:06 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R

Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 50
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