This is one of the things that I find so frustrating about the A:
Our marriage was good. Really, really good. I thought we were happy. I certainly felt happy!
We were financially secure, had successfully sold our first house and bought our second one a little over a year earlier, and we as well as all of our immediate family members were in good health.
We could afford to travel overseas nearly every year. We took long weekend trips throughout the summer and fall. Sex was regular although not as frequent as either one of us would like. I certainly could have initiated more, but I was always up for it!
We never argued about anything major. (Looking back I'd say we were conflict avoidant.)
No marriage is perfect, but ours felt damned close. At the time I felt like we were in our own little groove and had figured it out for us.
None of the stupid stereotypes and blame-the-BS garbage was true in our case.
Child centered marriage? Nope, no kids!
Frigid BW? Nope, always willing.
BW lets herself go in looks? Nope, still fitting into the size 2 pants from 10 years ago. And putting more work into my looks every year -- makeup, highlighted hair, jewelry, better clothes.
Controlling, shrewish BS? I didn't care about poker nights or nights out with the guys.
Lazy BS? No more so than him, and I was working on my bad habits.
I have no freaking idea what possessed WH to have an affair. Plenty of guys would have envied his life: he was in his late 30's getting to live like he was in his 20's, but with a laid back good looking wife who indulged his whims, brought home a hefty salary and benefits, and did 90% of the cooking to boot.
Looking back I keep asking myself why. Our life had exactly zilch drama in it and everything was running smoothly. Did he feel an urge to just fuck it all up?
My career was going gangbusters. Was he jealous? Was his job not going well?
I had just taken up running and was doing well. In fact I ran my first half marathon exactly a month before the A went physical. Did he feel inadequate?
Was I giving too much and letting him give to little, so he was underinvested in the marriage? (This scenario is discussed in the book NOT Just Friends.)
Was he just bored?
I have no idea because he NEVER TOLD ME that anything was wrong. Whatever issues we had in our marriage could have been fixed without his having an A.
To WH's credit he has never blamed me for his A. He has never blamed the marriage and has said that there was nothing wrong with it. He's said that our marriage was fine and that the A was the only thing wrong with it!
Just goes to prove that the A is all about the WS rather than the M.