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User Topic: What was the state of your marriage at the time of the A?
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought our marriage was strong. I was busy, having gone back to college, but the kids were grown, we traveled, we socialized, we played badminton in the evening. Financially we were fine. My husband never talked much and I had given up years ago trying to get him to open up. He now says he was very unhappy, but he never told me and I didn't notice.

BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of the things that I find so frustrating about the A:

Our marriage was good. Really, really good. I thought we were happy. I certainly felt happy!

We were financially secure, had successfully sold our first house and bought our second one a little over a year earlier, and we as well as all of our immediate family members were in good health.

We could afford to travel overseas nearly every year. We took long weekend trips throughout the summer and fall. Sex was regular although not as frequent as either one of us would like. I certainly could have initiated more, but I was always up for it!

We never argued about anything major. (Looking back I'd say we were conflict avoidant.)

No marriage is perfect, but ours felt damned close. At the time I felt like we were in our own little groove and had figured it out for us.

None of the stupid stereotypes and blame-the-BS garbage was true in our case.

Child centered marriage? Nope, no kids!

Frigid BW? Nope, always willing.

BW lets herself go in looks? Nope, still fitting into the size 2 pants from 10 years ago. And putting more work into my looks every year -- makeup, highlighted hair, jewelry, better clothes.

Controlling, shrewish BS? I didn't care about poker nights or nights out with the guys.

Lazy BS? No more so than him, and I was working on my bad habits.

I have no freaking idea what possessed WH to have an affair. Plenty of guys would have envied his life: he was in his late 30's getting to live like he was in his 20's, but with a laid back good looking wife who indulged his whims, brought home a hefty salary and benefits, and did 90% of the cooking to boot.

Looking back I keep asking myself why. Our life had exactly zilch drama in it and everything was running smoothly. Did he feel an urge to just fuck it all up?

My career was going gangbusters. Was he jealous? Was his job not going well?

I had just taken up running and was doing well. In fact I ran my first half marathon exactly a month before the A went physical. Did he feel inadequate?

Was I giving too much and letting him give to little, so he was underinvested in the marriage? (This scenario is discussed in the book NOT Just Friends.)

Was he just bored?

I have no idea because he NEVER TOLD ME that anything was wrong. Whatever issues we had in our marriage could have been fixed without his having an A.

To WH's credit he has never blamed me for his A. He has never blamed the marriage and has said that there was nothing wrong with it. He's said that our marriage was fine and that the A was the only thing wrong with it!

Just goes to prove that the A is all about the WS rather than the M.

Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He now says he was very unhappy, but he never told me and I didn't notice.

Argggh! This is nothing less than blameshifting.

He's placing blame on the faithful spouse for not NOTICING that he was unhappy.

Even the best of spouses is not suppose to be able to read minds.

Why did he not suggest counseling or discuss his unhappiness.

Also, do waywards ever consider that maybe the faithful spouses have reason to be unhappy, too, but just cope with it more productively.

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
♀ New Member
Member # 37235
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

State of our marriage was not good honestly. We were like roomates. A huge part of the problem was H went on SSRI's back in 2008 and as our sex life had slowed down anyway before that I had no clue how bad the SSRI's were affecting him. He also had no clue..he thought it was me and he was not turned on by me anymore.

So for a year or so prior to me discovering his EA it was not good. Basically he went out seeking attention from other women to see if it was me that was causing his lack of desire. No friggin excuse but at the time of discovering his EA I took alot of the blame of driving him away. NOw I know better.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our marriage was good. Even he says that. He didn't do it because of our relationship. He did it to feel younger..MLC...he could have bought a damn sports car.

BW- 48
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
♀ New Member
Member # 41142
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a few days before Dday #2 he said that he couldn't wait to grow old with me and sit out on
the front porch in the rocking chairs watching our
grandchildren play.
We talked about all the things we were gonna do.

DDay # 1 I didn't find out about it until it was revealed at Dday #2

***Go with your gut***

Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Ga
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought our marriage was very strong. Our children were grown, we didn't have money issues like we did raising kids. We were really enjoying being empty nesters. At least it appeared that way. I have come to realize that the marriage is not the problem. The cheater is the problem. My marriage is terrible now, and he doesn't cheat. All marriages have ups and downs. Mentally healthy people deal with them appropriately, fix it or divorce.

Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
♀ Member
Member # 43745
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had been together for four years working in jobs in one overseas country. Then he lost his job, then got another but had an overseas posting in different country, with me staying behind in original overseas posting. I thought everything was okay, we had this saying "this is what we do because of what we do". Hell, in June of last year he was the one who started making plans for us to finally get married, got the license, set the date of Christmas Eve 2013. Being apart was tough, but it looked like we were fine. My to be -H then started his affair in September of 2013. Went hell for leather on it. At our Christmas Eve wedding he looked into my eyes and pledged his love and devotion and I remember us giggling like mad... and three days later I had to return to my job in other country. And on New Year's Eve he wrote to the OW that the best thing he had done in the past year was have the "courage" to take her in his arms and start his A. And two weeks after that, when H and I had a precious week together as a sort-of-honeymoon, he was writing to her about how they could shack up together at her apartment under the guise of him saving money by boarding with a "friend".

So, yeah, given my own experience, I don't think the state of a marriage is always an indicator of why the WS is doing what they are doing. They are badly broken people living in some sort of fantasy world that supplements their reality. I found out in June, six months after our wedding; he hadn't yet broken it off yet, but he had been out of contact with her for three weeks, after having sent her an email complaining how bitchy I was after he totally blew off my May birthday, and telling her he had decided to leave me. Oh yeah

He says that it was all such a mistake, he doesn't know why he got in so deeply, and that sending that email "scared him" about how deep he was in the rabbit hole, yadayadayada... but I know if I hadn't found out, he would have gone back to his behaviour. BUT...

We are actually in R, and it will be a lot of hard work. I know EVERYTHING (from emails, skype history, hacking his phone accounts, and his coming clean with every little in-between thing I didn't have direct access to). But H also admitted to pre-A distancing as long as two years ago, as he felt worse and worse about himself and thought he was not measuring up in my eyes. Why he was so insistent on wanting to marry me and then starting his affair is still a mystery, but, I can see him for the broken soul he is.

I also now see that my not recognizing that broken soulness helped to make me blind to a very vital aspect of our relationship: how we needed to take care of each other, and being in two different countries with stressful crazy jobs was not ever going to be a good idea for the health of our relationship. This does nt excuse his A, but it does set the parameters for what we both need to recognise for the future.

ME: 58 BW
HIM: 57 EA & PA, ten months (madboomer)
Married: December 24th, 2013; Together: 4 years
D/Day: June 3rd 2014 (karma allowed that it happened on OW birthday); NC June 4th 2014
"Once in a while you get shown the light..."

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought it was strong. We had just built our dream house, almost had our youngest through college, our oldest was getting married. He was working all the time, 2 jobs which was totally unnecessary as we had plenty of money.

He says that he was happy in our m before, but I have a hard time believing that. Can't imagine cheating if your happy in your m. He had always had a problem with depression, it runs rampant through his family, but he showed no signs of it before the a. Sex had become less frequent over time but that was the only problem. I had tried to talk with him about it and he wouldn't engage in a conversation about it.

I almost wish there had been more problems with our m, then we would have had more to fix. We have fixed the problem with sex, and the depression, but those were maimly fixed by a trip to the doctor. We are more affectionate which I always wanted, he actually tries to address issues now instead of just, taking them personally and trying to get away from conflict asap. He has worked on himself alot, but there wasn't alot to fix in our m.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost wish there had been more problems with our m....

I always said the same thing. The marriage never needed fixing. He would tell you the same thing. But we aren't reconciling because I came to realize, after he went to years of therapy, that he was/is too broken to be fixed. Who knows what he might do next as a result of his brokenness?

[This message edited by Skye at 8:38 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
Topic Posts: 50
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